The best SVH books never written

If only these had been written….

The Collins’ of Sweet Valley. In which we learn how Mr. Collins came from a long ancestry of teachers. In the 1800s, Jed Collins risked his life in starting a school for unaway slaves and was a hero of his time. Mr. Collins, fresh out of college, risked his life and set out for Afghanastan to set up a school for women to receive an education. However, he realized that the people who needed his help the most were right in his backyard- spoiled rich kids in Sweet Valley. And thus he ended up as the beloved, rugged English teacher.

Prince Albert’s Story. We learn the past and desires of the Wakefield’s beloved golden retriever, starting from when he arrived at the Sweet Valley animal shelter, complete with sun-streaked fur and a perfect size-six collar. He became bitter rivals with a cute, demure beagle who competed for the attention of the most gorgeous potential adopter ever, who had piercing green eyes and a muscular, tanned figure. Realizing he was just in it for the game, he graciously stepped aside and let the other dog have her man. Finally he was adopted by the Wakefield family, where he lived perfectly ever after, padding along the Spanish tiles in their kitchen.

Characters’ Secret Diary entires welcome….

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86 thoughts on “The best SVH books never written

  1. upstatestruggler says:

    Prince Albert’s Story. We learn the past and desires of the Wakefield’s beloved golden retriever, starting from when he arrived at the Sweet Valley animal shelter, complete with sun-streaked fur and a perfect size-six collar.

    holy fucking shit!!

  2. Amy Slutton says:

    I don’t know if this is just in the particular book I own, but I have one super-early SVH that has a little section in the back with several pages of text dedicated to giving background info on a character. I have one book that has Bill Chase’s background story, and one of Mr. Collins. It talks about how Mr. Collins apparently used to be married to some drunken whore, who at one point after the divorce even tries to kidnap Teddy. It says that after that incident he never hears from her again.

  3. Magpie says:

    The Collins’ of Sweet Valley should of course demonstrate that Mr. Collins comes from a long line of men with no idea of personal boundaries.

    Personally, I’ve always wanted Todd’s Secret Diary. I bet he was secretly thinking, “jeez woman, when are you just going to sleep with me already?!”

    Or better yet, Margo’s Secret Diary. That would be some crazy shit.

    • ( ・ω・) says:

      Todd’s secret diary will also show the reaction he gets when Liz finally loses her virginity to some guy in England she’s known a week (okay, maybe not a week) while he’s been holding out since sixth grade.

  4. Amber Tan says:

    “Shouldn’t that be a size 4 collar?”

    Hee, aggrrl! Vanity sizing for dogs — love it! My chocolate lab will be delighted to hear it since she’s getting a little roly-poly.

  5. Enidrollins says:

    About how Winston came from a long line of class clowns. His great-great grandfather lived in Germany and made jokes about sauerkraut. Years later, his [Winston’s] grandfather joined WWII and made Nazi jokes, which got him put in a German POW camp and he used a whoopie cushion to confuse his jailors and escaped…

  6. Winnie Egbert says:

    There isn’t much in the way of plotlines that haven’t been covered by the six different series of SV books, but try this:

    Bizarro-SVH –

    Jessica gets a zit
    Elizabeth fails a test
    Todd doesn’t break up with Liz or punch anybody
    Enid isn’t boring
    Lila gives bad advice
    Bruce gets rejected by whomever he’s trying to bang
    Winston gets some depth
    Ned and Alice pay attention and do some actual parenting
    Steven stays at college for more than a week

    Should I go on…?

    • Sarah says:

      How about Jessica gets on Sam’s bike and tries motocross. Then Liz and her parents find out and major fireworks ensue! Or one with Mr. Collins and Ms. Dalton getting married! Or a hurricane hitting Sweet Valley! Or a volcano!

  7. Amy Slutton says:

    Ha, Magpie, that would be an excellent idea. They should have made Secret Diaries for the guys, assuming they would have the guts to truly make them juicy. Imagine Bruce’s? Or Tom McKay’s? 😀

  8. BartTempleton says:

    Killjoy alert: I actually like the orig. books leaving all the hot n’ heavy action to the imagination–scratch that, to hilarious euphemism (notable exception: Bruce’s hand sliding onto Liz’s “breast” in _Dear Sister_ : even at age 10, my jaw dropped that Pascal et al let that through).

    If I wanted to read about serious fornication, I turned to the adult romance novels; SVH was my pettiness arena, wherein a Carl the Orderly kidnapping was described in terms designed to most obscure (hence, thus oddly highlight) any hint of sexual deviance.

    For those who made the mistake of reading the first several SVUs, I remember my feeling of betrayal at the sexcapades (still mild by today’s YA standards, I’m told); “Liz having sex is even more annoying than Liz fake-chaste.”

  9. upstatestruggler says:

    BRUCE’S SECRET DIARY
    chapter one
    pulling into the parking lot of sweet valley high, I glanced at my reflection in the polished mirror of my black Porsche. I swept my bangs off to either side of my forehead- I guess that when birds do this, it is called feathering. huh. that’s pretty funny. I spent some time in swinging London last summer and picked up a little British slang – they refer to girls as birds. get it?

    I pulled into my regular spot by the gym doors. Winston had joked about me putting up a sign, but for what? everyone knows that it belongs to me.

    Glancing around the parking lot, I realized how many of these girls I have put the knob to. sweet valley is really getting tired… Jessica Wakefield’s bitch ass over there- or is it Liz? honestly, I have put zero effort in telling them apart all of these years. the only time I have ever known the difference was when I was in their pants, and only because Jessica’s lips hang like the proverbial wizard sleeves. Or were they Liz’s?
    I guess it must be Jessica, because there goes Amy, bounding over to talk to her like a mill puppy. Amy bores the shit out of me too.
    I guess that the only girl that I ever really even considered falling in love with was Regina. that was mostly because she didn’t take any of my rich bitch shit. she had her own money and her own life and she was so beautiful…
    the roar of a small sportscar engine shook me out of the trance I had put myself in by staring at myself in the mirror. a lime green triumph pulled in next to me. Lila Fowler.
    the only girl I have ever wanted and not had eight different ways by lunchtime.
    I sat there and watched her apply gloss to her pouty lips. open her eyes wide and get out a mascara. run a brush through her lustrous brown hair. I thought about how much more exciting a brunette is- it is like blonds think they are such hot shit that they don’t even try. I am so sick of this California bullshit.
    I want nothing more right now than to grab her out of her car, throw her in the front seat of my Porsche, and drive away and never come back.
    but I can’t. I can’t ever let her know how I feel. she has watched me hit on every girl in the school. she has listened to her friends cry over me. shit, I think she even paid for one friend’s abortion.
    I am used to getting what I want, but I am starting to realize that I am a mere mortal and may never have my goddess in leather pants.
    christ. I need to get laid. I am talking like siegfried and roy up in this bitch.

  10. BartTempleton says:

    upstate,

    if you want to start a fanfiction blog, I will line up to write serial installments for it. I have dibs on a Secret Diary for Jacqueline, Lila’s bitch-ass almost-step sis.

    Or ihatewheat can add a section here.

  11. ihatewheat says:

    Tom McKay’s Secret Diary! In which he has a secret affair with Bruce. And they do it on the tennis court. But then Bruce meets Regina and he is forced to keep his secret forever!

  12. BartTempleton says:

    Gay overtones between Tom and Bruce–F*ck yeah, ihatewheat! We also need a man-on-man Todd and Bruce piece, because, y’know, opposites attract.

    Sorry we keep asking for more sections, but my hope is this be THE SVH hotspot; the other pretenders need not apply.

    Soon you will rule the YA empire…

  13. upstatestruggler says:

    one more, because this is my second-to-last day before vacation. I have all of my shit in order like a good little do-bee…
    TODD’S SECRET DIARY
    chapter one
    sometimes it seems like I have never left this sweet, sweet valley. I know that we left for Vermont once, just for a while. most days, I can’t even remember whether or not I grew up here. sometimes I dream that I had a brother and sister.
    ever since Liz and I had that motorcycle accident, my mind gets fuzzy and then focuses. people made such a big friggin’ deal about ken matthews going blind, but he is fine now. I will never be the same.
    last week I punched a guy. a few hours later I saw him in the cafeteria and asked Liz who gave him such a righteous black eye. she just gave me her patented withering stare and shuddered a little.
    I know that she knows that something is just not right with me, even though never in a million years will I admit to her that I was hurt in that crash… if that fucking rag bitch sister of hers ever found out, she would never shut up.
    the worst part about that whole thing was hearing Jessicunt shriek about ‘Rexy’ over. and over. and over again- I mean, say it out loud a few times! it sounds like a goddamn golden retriever’s name, and a better one than prince albert, might I add-I just about tore Liz’ hair out. I probably would have if she hadn’t woken up from that coma. too bad I wasted the time that she was ‘out’ doing other things. heh.
    a few days after I forgot that I punched a guy out, I decided to walk over to the Wakefields’ and see what Liz was up to. maybe she and Enid would be out by the pool. man, don’t tell anyone I said this, but that Enid is one hot piece. you think she’s got a fro on her head…
    I bet you are wondering how I know so much about Enid. well, when Liz was in the hospital, I got a little tired of Wakefield condescension and had to get away. of course, my bike was trashed, so I had no way to get home. I was standing outside, getting some fresh air and watching the walls breathe (I told you the accident messed with me!) when Enid walked up.
    “Todd! How is she? Is she going to live?”
    At that point, no one was really sure, and I told her so. in no uncertain terms.
    Enid burst into tears. I took her in my arms and noticed, for the first time, that she was quite stacked. more so than Liz, anyway. I mean, check out the covers sometime. she’s a little flat, right?
    she was crying and her nose was running all over me and, frankly, it was a little disgusting. I wanted to get the hell out of there.
    “Let’s go”, I said. “You got a car?”
    “I have my mom’s Escort wagon.”
    we rode home in silence. Enid pulled up in front of my house. I thanked her for the ride and she began to cry again. I pulled her close to me.
    then I put my hand down her pants.

    “TODD! what the fuck? Liz is my best friend! get your goddamn mitts out of my pants!”
    “Enid, please. Liz may die. if we are going to do this, it needs to be now, before she becomes an omniscient spirit and can see us…”
    “Todd, you are one freaking crazy weirdo! get the out of my car!”
    “it’s your mom’s car.”
    “FUCK! WHATEVER! GET THE HELL OUT!”

    I got out of the car and stepped on to the curb. The sidewalk felt uneven, like a trampoline. I staggered towards my front door.

  14. ihatewheat says:

    upstate struggler, I am not worthy!

    Anyone want to do Lois Waller’s secret diary?

    “what the fuck? Another school dance? So that’s why the education taxes are so high here. Oh, there goes that condescending bitch Liz Wakefield. Little does she know I snuck into the Oracle office and wiped her markup paper on my ass and put it back. Also, Jessica Wakefield had some period blood on the back of her tight white satin jeans from Lisettes’s. Made my day! Sorry, gotta go stuff my face in the cafeteria.”

  15. Dwanollah says:

    ““Enid, please. Liz may die. if we are going to do this, it needs to be now, before she becomes an omniscient spirit and can see us…””

    *weeping* and *howling*

    Sweet Jesus, you know GhostLiz would be all roaming around with her Pitying Looks and Shoulder Touch of Great Condensation….

    Seriously, Brain Damaged Todd would explain so, so much.

  16. upstatestruggler says:

    THE SECRET DIARY OF BRUCE PATMAN
    chapter two

    Lila swung her tanned legs out of the car. The contrast of them against that poison green triumph drove me crazy. somehow, that color brought to my mind the sultry strains of my favorite butt rock…
    “You know I never
    I never seen you look so good
    You never act the way you should
    But I like it
    And I know you like it too
    The way that I want you
    I gotta have you
    Oh yes, I do”
    then I realized that it was coming from my own radio. and I was humming along! god, I am a total idiot!
    she finally noticed me. not in the way I wanted to be noticed, of course.
    “Bruce. nice vocal stylings. are you trying out for that Ratt lead singer replacement show?”
    “fuck off, Fowler. I heard you and your dad are going on ‘your mama don’t dance’. you two really have that dry hump down.’
    her deep brown eyes narrowed. she looked down at me through the open roof of my black Porsche and shook her head.
    “typical Patman. lewd, crude and rude.”
    I don’t know why I can’t help shitting on the girl. verbally, I mean. for some reason, I would rather have me hate every fiber of my being than know my true feelings. why is that?
    “bitch, why don’t you hop your skinny ass back in that neon roller skate and go shopping or to the beach or something?”
    she sneered haughtily, “Bruce. We have SAT prep today. I don’t know about you, but I want more out of life than tennis and sex with my friends’ moms…er, dads? whatever. you see where I am going with this.”
    before I could come up with a snappy retort, she turned on her Italian-leather-kitten heel and sailed into the building.
    and I wanted to die.

  17. upstatestruggler says:

    oh, shit, man. this was fun.
    I know that I got a little misogynistic in places, and hope that didn’t upset anyone. it cracked me the fuck up.

    bart templeton, any time. any place.
    ihatewheat,you hostin’?

  18. BartTempleton says:

    upstate: there could also be a back and forth from the different POVs. As in, Todd’s Secret Diary installment:

    “Dear Diary, I had just parked my Datsun outside the High yesterday morning when I heard a high horsepower engine rev and turned to see Bruce Patman’s gleaming, hard, wet-waxed Porsche pull into the slot. His parking slot, that is. I waited for him to emerge but he stayed inside for like, WTF, three minutes, looking at himself in the rearview.

    ‘Asshole,’ I muttered to myself.

    Just thinking about that big dick–that big dickhead, Patman, you know–made my face flush–with anger. Liz never would have put out for that man-whore even when she had her little ‘spell’ and ran off with him. Patman thinks he can have his dirty nasty way with the girls of Sweet Valley…well, I’ll be the one to help put a stop to that.

    Just then, the Cocktease Lila’s lime-green Triumph/Spider pulled up next to Bruce’s. I know she’s a foul little whore/ Jessica’s best friend (same thing), but my jaw dropped and my coffee-colored eyes flashed when Bruce stepped out of his car and I saw the tremendous hard-on he was harboring in the front of his Bill Blass slacks.

    “Fuck,” I whispered.

    Suddenly, feminine breasts pressed against my back and I turned to see Liz.

    “Oh, Todd! Jessica did …”

    Blah the Fuck Blah. Why in sweet hell do I have to listen yet another Jessica litany?

    She stopped mid-diatribe and stepped away from my embrace, and her blue-green eyes went huge. “Oh, Todd!”

    I looked down to see my erection she had brushed against.

    “I’ve been thinking about you since I drove up this morning, Liz…”

    “Oh, Todd…” she melted into my arms.

    My eyes followed Patman as he sauntered up to the school…

  19. Sara2008 says:

    “…You know GhostLiz would be all roaming around with her Pitying Looks and Shoulder Touch of Great Condensation”

    Oh, so true, so true. The worst part is that she’d probably see her boyfriend and best friend doing it and then, instead of being pissed off, go up to Enid and try to help her “figure out her feelings.” Because even when she’s dead she has to be in everybody’s freaking buisness. 🙂

  20. Amy Slutton says:

    OMFG Upstate… the Poison reference…. and I used to be so in love with them too, LMAO!!!

    All of these Secret Diaries entries are great!!

  21. Emily says:

    ihatewheat, would you be cool with a “secret diary” section? these make me laugh soooooo hard, but i pulled a muscle in my stomach, so it hurts a lot.

  22. ihatewheat says:

    Ok, this is in bad taste, be warned:

    Super special: Heaven Can Wait

    Tricia Martin is the toast of heaven, with her green eyes, pale transparent complexion and slender, sickly frame. She has always gotten everything she has wanted and is the Lord’s favorite. The arrival of Regina Morrow shakes up her world, and an immediate rivalry begins between the girls. Things get worse with the arrival of Sam Woodruff, who has just started interning as an angel under Tricia’s supervision. Will Tricia ever be able to win Sam’s affection from Regina? With the help of her fairy godmother Mrs. Porter, there’s sure to be hilarity and heartbreak along her journey.

  23. ihatewheat says:

    ps I thought about posting a fanfic section but then I started thinking about guidelines etc and for now feel free to post more stuff here.

    Please try to keep the content PG-13/Rish (I’m no prude or one for censoring but I am just thinking about the audience of the blog- cuss words totally welcome) but keep snark to the max.

  24. ihatewheat says:

    oh wait Margaret and Nora both died eventually?

    I thought margo’s body disappeared after Jess pushed her through the glass.

    I think we need a Margo/Nora super special where they vacation in Branson, MO.

  25. Cheryl Slade says:

    How about Lila’s Secret Diary, involving Girls Gone Wild and possibly a politician or two? Actually, what I’d really like to see is Enid and Olivia finally hooking up.

  26. Amy Slutton says:

    LOL Cheryl Slade, did you know there is a Girls Gone Wild-esque parody of SVH on some website out there? I can’t even remember how I found it — all I know is that someone created a whole snarky volume of SVH called “Double Penetration” where some GGW-like team comes to SV and gets all the girls (and Bruce) to film stuff. The way it’s written is EXACTLY like a SVH book. Definitely got many laughs from me!

  27. Alicia says:

    Haha Amy Slutton, I LOVE that one. For the record, it’s on the blog Four Minutes Older (the link to it is actually on this site).

  28. Amy Slutton says:

    Ooo thanks Alicia — I must have gotten there through here then! It helped me waste a good portion of time at work 😀

  29. Sarah Louise says:

    So I’m reading this book by Jill Mansell, called “Making your Mind Up”. This character Liana has just been dumped by her boyfriend because he likes the main character, Lottie more. She confronts Lottie and says:

    “I’m the one who deserves him, you see. I’m beautiful, everyone says so. I’m a perfect size six.”

    I almost fell off my chair. Do you have blue green eyes and perfect blond sun streaked hair too Liana?

  30. Amber Tan says:

    “Super special: Heaven Can Wait”

    Of course this book will have to include a fashion show that features a harp-playing competition between Tricia Martin and Regina Morrow, the outcome of which will decide who will receive the Most Popular Angel Crown. And Sam Woodruff is one of the judges natch.

  31. BartTempleton says:

    AmberTan, that book would have a cast of hundreds. What about that little dude alcoholic Enid and her boyfriend ran over in _Secrets_? Or was he not killed?

    And I know there was a suicide or two, though they may have taken place off-scene.

  32. Amy Slutton says:

    Hehe, the little boy mentioned in Secrets apparently escaped with only injuries, I believe.

    All I know is the book would have to have those classic soap opera-style scenes where a character who is in a coma/on the verge of death on earth can briefly appear in “heaven” and have a Meaningful Conversation with Tricia/Regina/Sam/etc., before being jolted back into the land of the living.

  33. BartTempleton says:

    Amy Slutton and AmberTan,

    do people in SV heaven get to have sex?

    Sam is owed something, after all the c-teasing he experienced at the hands of BOTH JESSICA AND HER TWIN SISTER. Out of all the b-friends, Sam is the one I could actually halfway stand. His down to earth-ness helped bring Jessica out of Wakefield-centric orbit.

    Speaking of which, all of the Wakefields of Sweet Valley from past centuries would be in heaven, too, so even in death, the killed-off secondary and tertiary characters wouldn’t have their own books.

  34. Cara Walker says:

    I have to say, this site is hilarious! Personally, I would LOVE to see a secret diary for Margo – totally insane! Upstatestruggler – I love your work. Or how about a Cara Walker diary – her life in London? It always amazed me that Jess and Liz spent books 104-106 in London, but Jess never thought about catching up with her old bestie. Gotta love those SVH ghost writers…

  35. upstatestruggler says:

    Okay, ladies, it has been a busy few weeks. I went on vacation to Myrtle Bitch, SC which was just the bees’ knees. I work in higher ed finance, so this time of year sucks porsche tailpipe for me.
    But what kind of selfish person could read such glowing praise and not give everyone what they want? The kind of person who is the subject of the newest secret diary, of course!
    ————————————————————
    THE SECRET DIARY OF:
    MARIE VANDERHORN PATMAN

    Chapter One

    Whoever said that good help is hard to find these days clearly never fucked my pool boy.

    The last few years have been such a trial. My darling son Bruce can’t seem to keep himself out of trouble. Since he lost that fast piece Regina Morrow to the Colombian koolaid, he has never been the same. I remember him as a young boy on the playground, with his tiny little topsiders. He LOVED to tie a little Lacoste sweater around his shoulders and play ‘mayor’. I can close my eyes and picture him sitting under the monkey bars, gazing delightedly up the skirts of the little girls as they went across…

    So the night when I heard ‘1bruce1’ roar into the driveway and screech to a halt was quite a shock to my fine-boned system. I met him at the door with a highball of Maker’s on the rocks and my bathrobe on inside out (okay, it wasn’t my first glass- or bottle- of the evening).

    He had his head down, and I could see our very expensive Swedish recessed lighting glinting off of his glossy brown hair. He raised his head and looked into my eyes. His eyes were filled with tears. It was then that I realized I had never seen my son cry. Not when I used to make Luz, our laundress beat him with my mason-pearson hairbrush for me when I caught him playing in my makeup. Not when his uncle died- not that any of us shed too many tears over that, that slummer [dammit! that could really use italics!].

    “Bruce, my little lamb! Whatever is the matter with you?”
    “Mother!” he cried and fell into my arms.

    If I hadn’t been under the weather, I might have been able to support his weight, but I was so just smashed that we both fell to the imported Italian marble floor. I pulled a WC Fields and held my arm- the one with my precious drink in it- up over my head. I set the drink down- I mean, it was a crystal highball glass a platinum base!- and pulled myself out from under my son. It was easy to maneuver because that marble is just so polished!

    Bruce lay prone on the floor, moaning.
    I simply cannot stand to see people feeling sorry for themselves. It is just so unbecoming. What had happened to my son, the one who once took advantage of a girl in a coma and laughed about it? The one that I had some respect for?

    “Bruce, darling,” I purred, “whatever is the matter?”
    He looked up at me, started to speak in a strangled gasp. “Lila!”

    I just rolled my eyes and sipped my drink. Lila Fowler- another Sweet Valley Whore. The only daughter of some ‘software’-which I imagine has something to do with cashmere-magnate, who rattles around a mansion while her lout of a father travels for ‘business’. I know all about George Fowler’s business- I have done it every which way, which is why I haven’t been too keen on the idea of the two of them together. Sure, it would be nice for Brucie to meet a girl with her own money, as opposed to some gold-digging middle class girl, but can you imagine the rehearsal dinner? That slug George would probably put his foot in my Casabella’d crotch during the toasts. Or ‘release’ into my finger bowl. Oh, the horror! I simply can’t bear to think of it! My poise never has been able to stand up to carnally awkward moments.

    So when my little peach Bruce cried out Lila’s name, I was hoping that it was nothing more than a case of blue balls. Of course it was much more serious- more serious than I could have imagined.

    “Bruce, pet, tell mummy what happened.”
    He took a deep, shuddering breath and began to speak.

    “Well, I wanted to run in to Lila tonight, so I went out to the Beach Disco. I saw Jessica Wakefield and Amy Slutton- I mean, Sutton- out on the dance floor. I started to walk out to them, but my sweater fell off of my shoulders. When I bent down to pick it up, I felt a size-six hand on my ass. I stood up slowly, and turned around to face Liz Wakefield. She said that Todd and she had just had a huge fight, and that she didn’t have a car, so could I give her a ride home? I said sure and we left.
    So when we get back over to Calico Drive (I wrinkled my nose in disgust- that neighborhood is sooo nouveau riche! All of that faux-mediterranian nonsense), she asks me if I want to come in. The house is all dark, and she says that her parents are away, Steven is at college for once, and Jess won’t be home till dawn. Then she starts sobbing and throws her arms around me. I couldn’t help but want to put the screws to her, mom! It has been so long!”
    “I know, darling,”I said, but inside, I was positively boiling! If there is anyone in the town that I just can’t stand, it is that pageboyed square Alice Wakefield. Ever since that time we invited her and Nerd, I mean Ned, to that swinger’s party and they left in disgust, I have had zero time for them. And those girls! I remember once when Jessica was trying to sink her claws into Bruce or Roger-or maybe both!- she came over and tried to kiss my ass by waiting on me hand and foot. I wanted to say, “hellooo, sweetie- I have people who are trained to do that the right way. Why don’t you take your cheap ass lisette’s suit over there and sit down.”*
    I had to stop letting myself get distracted. My baby needed me to listen!

    “…so we were out by the pool, and I was giving it to her on this float, when Jessica walks out on to the deck. She jumped on my back while I gave it to Liz and it drove Liz nuts! Then Liz pushed me off and they flipped me over on my back and just defiled me!”

    I couldn’t figure out what he was so upset about! I mean, the twins are the lowest common denominator, but every boy wants two girls, right? I kept quiet and waited for him to finish. It was kind of an exciting story, after all. I know that sounds sick, but you know how us blue bloods are- positively decadent!

    “So we wrapped it up and I got up to leave. All of a sudden, the cordless phone rings, and Liz answers it.
    ‘Jess, it’s Lila.’
    I said, ‘don’t tell her I’m here!’ Jessica smirked and pushed the speakerphone button.
    ‘Jess, it’s Li. Listen, I have been doing some thinking. I have been on all of these terrible dates the last few weeks and, I don’t know, I just need something different. But by different I mean familiar. I don’t know what I mean. All I am trying to say, and this is really hard to say, is that I have been noticing Bruce noticing me lately and I think I would maybe like to give him a chance.’
    I couldn’t believe it! Lila was talking about me!
    ‘Plus he is the only guy I know that hasn’t fucked all of my friends.’
    My heart sank even as Jessica’s nasty smile got nastier.
    ‘Listen, Li, I think it sounds perfect. Let’s talk about it tomorrow at the beach, though? I am beat!’
    So they hung up and Liz and Jess just leered at me. ‘What a shame. At the very minute Lila realizes she has an interest in you, you are naked with her best friend. And one of her biggest enemies!’
    So I got up and walked to my car, sneering and muttering. What could I say? Now those bitches have something on me.”

    A smile spread across my face. “Bruce, my dear, they may have something on you, but they do plenty of filthy things themselves. If they have dirt on you, all that we have to do is get some dirt on them- and let them know it.”

    Bruce grinned through his tears. “You might not have been the warmest mother in the world, but you are the greatest!”

    We hugged and he went up to bed. I stretched myself out on the napa leather couch in the sunroom and smiled to myself.

    I couldn’t wait to ruin those Wakefield sluts!

    *I think someone pointed this out here once. If so, THANKS!

  36. Amber Tan says:

    “that book would have a cast of hundreds.”

    Good point, Bart Templeton! Just imagine all the inconsistencies that would ensue! The mind, it boggles.

    “do people in SV heaven get to have sex? Sam is owed something, after all the c-teasing he experienced at the hands of BOTH JESSICA AND HER TWIN SISTER.”

    Er, admittedly I wouldn’t know as I’d be regarded as a ‘bad girl’ by SV standards (i.e. non-size 6 brunette). But I agree — Sam certainly does need some sugar, doesn’t he?

    Gawd, that was beautiful, upstate struggler. [wiping away tears of mirth]

    Looks like your little va-cay did you all sorts of good. 🙂 You had me at “Whoever said that good help is hard to find these days clearly never fucked my pool boy” and never let up. Brava! Brava!

    “My poise never has been able to stand up to carnally awkward moments.”

    NATLBSB

  37. Cara Walker says:

    I would love to see something along the lines of the ‘Lois Waller’ Diaries, given the poor token fat chick has no storylines in the SVH stories. Upstatestruggler, I know you have your hands full with the Patmans, but if you could somehow find the time to do this it would be truly awesome…

  38. yasoup says:

    Lois Waller’s Diary.
    ***

    Day 1

    Today at lunch, I had a big burger, a ton of fries and a chocolate bar. I was still full, so I pulled a candy bar from my purse. Because, as you know, we fat people are powerless, awkward socialites. Why is food obsession different than Jessica Wakefield’s whore-teasing? All tease, no sex. But she’s blonde, shapely, and blue eyed. Sigh!

    Another thing. Liz, Jess, and their thin popular bitch friends eat at the Dairi Burger EVERY night! WHY don’t they GAIN WEIGHT? Oh yes…because they are blonde, and popular, and God–whom we call Francine–wants skinny popular heroes. Damn damn damn. I almost feel like I’m in some cheesy teen drama…

    I need to go drown my sorrows in buttered popcorn and Cocoa Krispies, ’cause fat people always eat when sad\depressed\angry.

  39. Cara Walker says:

    lol yasoup – it’s great someone fulfilled my greatest desire for the Diary of Lois Waller… sigh. Totally laughing at the pulling a chocolate bar from the purse comment – didn’t Robin Wilson do this once in her fat days? Gotta love that great stereotype of overweight people being so food obsessed that they feel the need to carry fattening foods like chocolate bars wherever they go… Plus, the last two lines reminded me of #74, where Robin becomes anorexic. At the first sign of stress with George, Robin heads to the fridge with the urge to chow down.

  40. Rio says:

    They’ve already written about twenty versions of this plot, so what’s twenty-one?

    TITLE: Desperate Times

    PROTAGONIST: Jane Brown. Does not have silky blond hair, sparkling ocean-blue eyes, a peaches-and-cream complexion, or a perfect size-six figure, so is therefore U-G-L-Y. Is secretly an amazingly gifted painter. Has a single mom and lives on the wrong side of town. Is very shy and does not have many friends.

    ANTAGONIST: Jessica. Dur.

    GUY: Gavin Reynolds. Brooding artiste. Makes girls melt just by lifting one eyebrow.

    COVER: Jane sits glumly in front of an easel while Elizabeth, wearing a royal blue oxford shirt and matching barrettes, puts her hand on her shoulder and looks (sym)pathetic.

    PLOT:

    It’s time for SVH’s annual art contest. Elizabeth is in charge of the organizing committee, which consists of Enid, Olivia, Todd, Roger, Winston, Annie, Ken, and Bill Chase, and is advised by Mr. Collins and Ms. Dalton. Meanwhile, Pi Beta Alpha is in charge of planning the dance that will immediately follow.

    The prize for the art contest (dubbed “Art Palpitations” by Winston) is a scholarship to the world-famous Chester von Douchebag School of the Visual Arts, which is conveniently located in Sweet Valley. If Jane wins this scholarship, her single mother won’t have to work so hard to give her some college money. Because as we all know, single mothers in Sweet Valley NEVER have decently paying jobs.

    Jane holes up in the SVH art studio to work on her painting, which is of a girl staring sadly at an old family portrait. Elizabeth wanders in to gather together some construction paper to make posters. She immediately senses that she has another unpopular girl to cure. “As Jane looked into Elizabeth’s caring blue-green eyes, she thought that maybe, just maybe, someone could understand what she was going through.” Yeah, right. Elizabeth tries to encourage Jane to showcase her talent at Art Palpitations. Jane says she’ll think about it.

    Meanwhile, Jessica decides to use the dance to debut the low-cut red dress she bought at Lisette’s. This will be the place to catch her latest crush, Gavin, who is in line to win the contest. Gavin is not yet aware of how . . . shall we say, PSYCHO Jessica is, so when he takes her to the Box Tree Café and she pretends to be all artsy and sensitive and non-psycho, he falls for it.

    Elsewhere, Jane decides to submit her painting to the contest, but anonymously. Jessica goes into the art studio to look for some props with which she can continue to fool Gavin, but she finds the painting instead. “After checking over her shoulder to make sure no one was behind her, Jessica carefully painted her name in the bottom-left-hand corner of the canvas, adding a little flourish at the bottom. She smiled with satisfaction.”

    In the hallway, Jane bumps into Gavin, accidentally dropping her wallet. It contains the same family portrait of the painting. She picks it up and bolts. “As Gavin entered the Sweet Valley High parking lot, he tried to get the image of that photograph out of his head, but he just couldn’t. Had that smiling little girl really been Jane Brown once? What had happened to that family to make her so sad?” More importantly, who the hell CARES?

    The next afternoon, Jane looks for her painting in the art studio, but can’t find it. Dun dun DUN.

    Fast forward to Art Palpitations. Jessica immediately drags Gavin to see “her” painting, which everyone oohs and aahs over. He recognizes the family portrait, but can’t place it. About five minutes before the winners are announced, he realizes what happened, grabs Elizabeth, and tracks a distraught Jane down in the art studio, where they give her some more encouragement. She finally agrees.

    COOPER: “The winner of the $3,000 scholarship to the Chester von Douchebag School of the Visual Arts is . . .”
    GAVIN: “Jane Brown.”
    EVERYONE: “GASP!”

    Jane finally gets up and accepts the award. Applause, applause. Jessica storms off in a huff. No one pays any attention to her.

    Cut to the dance. Todd says something sweet to Elizabeth that makes you want to gag yourself with a fork. Jane and Gavin have The Kiss. Done.

  41. Amy Slutton says:

    LMAO Rio, that was priceless. “You’re my work of art” would make an equally gag-worthy title of a song the Droids wrote specifically for the dance, like they always do 😀

  42. Lila Flower says:

    this is amazing!

    gotta hand it to barttempleton, i loved todd’s “but my jaw dropped and my coffee-colored eyes flashed”. Everyone’s eyes in SV always seemed to display a range of emotions. They were flashing, clouding and ‘glittering like emeralds’.

  43. Rio says:

    THE SECRET DIARY OF KEN MATTHEWS

    As I pulled my shining [colour] [make] into the SVH parking lot, I noticed Jessica sitting on one of the marble front steps, surrounded by a cluster of her Harajuku Girls (all Caucasian, natch — this is Sweet Valley, after all) from the cheerleading squad. Her blue-green eyes were sparkling with excitement and every toss of her head made her long honey-blond hair catch the sunlight. I would so hit that. If I had a penis, I mean.

    A lot of people say I look like the original Ken doll. They have NO idea. But then again, the boys’ locker room has never exactly been what I’d call a sausage-fest. Must be the uranium in the drinking water. Why else would we not have sex with every girl who rubbed her va-zsa-zsa against our thighs?

    What? No, Tom, I TOLD you that you’re the only gay guy here! Just give up on me and go for the bartender at the Beach Disco, dammit!

    Anyway, I got out of my car and headed across the well-manicured green lawn to the school building. Out of the corner of one of my sparkling blue eyes, I saw Elizabeth Fakefield heading my way. She looked concerned. Fuck.

    “Ken, is it true?” she asked, her goddamn blue-green eyes wide and red-rimmed. “Todd just told me that the reason he never has sex with me is because none of the guys in Sweet Valley have penises! I became so distraught that I broke up with him AGAIN!”

    I sighed heavily. “Yeah, it’s true. But what does that have to do with me?”

    She sniffled and pulled down on the peach-coloured oxford shirt she wore over her chinos (what the hell is a chino, anyway?). “Well, Todd won’t let me help him get over it, so I have to start somewhere. Will you let me put my hand on her shoulder and look at you with thinly veiled contempt while you stare sadly into the distance?”

    “WHAT?”

    “In case you haven’t noticed, the cover of this book is as empty as that way-oversized cup in your pants. Now do it, KENDRA, or I’ll get my father to sue your ass after he finishes with that murder trial and that trust fund administration thingy.”

    I figured it would be easier to just do what she wanted; she already looked so pissed that I thought her peach-coloured barrettes would fly off her head. So I sat down on the curb and stared at the ground as if my mom had just admitted to being in a German scheiße movie. Elizabitch clutched my shoulder with one hand and snapped the picture with the other.

    “Thanks, Ken! I’m going to run right to the Oracle office to get this developed. Mr. Collins won’t mind. He thinks I’m bigger than Jesus, you know.” She ran off.

    I stayed on the curb for a moment longer, watching her perfect size-six ass bouncing in the sun. If my cup was full, I’d hit that, too. At the same time as I hit Jessica. They’re twins, for God’s sake. Why hasn’t anyone thought of that before?

    Oh, right. It’s because we have no penises.

  44. Rio says:

    Addendum to “Desperate Times”:

    That evening, Jessica takes Gavin to Lila’s masquerade ball so she can show him off. The next few minutes pass by in a blur of Lila being a jealous twat and her maid, Conchita, passing out crustless cucumber sandwiches. Then Jess and Gavin go out to the terrace overlooking Fowler Crest’s sparking pool and perfectly manicured lawns, where she tells him about “her” painting. Gavin is so impressed with her love for art that he kisses her more passionately than she’s ever been kissed before.

    The next morning, Jessica bounces into the Wakefields’ Spanish-style kitchen and announces, “Elizabeth, I think I’m in love.” Elizabeth just grunts in response, as her mind is too full of self-actualization exercises and assertiveness workshops for Jane. Also, because that’s the third time she’s heard that line this month, and it’s only the 10th.

  45. Jennifer says:

    I recently found this site and I love it! While I don’t have a synopis for an actual book never written, I think there should have been something more about the whole Margo/Nora thing. Maybe some kind of saga about them or something? After all, if they are identical, and identical to Liz and Jess, and then in Return of the evil Twin it talks about Nora looking “so much like her mother” what was the connection here? It would have been GREAT to somehow time them into the whole history thing and work that out. Hmm, I have an idea for some fanfic. I’m surprised that that never went anywhere, after all the spin-offs. Create a Margo/Nora of the SVK years, the SVT years, and so forth.

  46. Scott says:

    no – the best possible follow up to the margo/nora story would be to link back to the wakefields of SV saga. alice was a twin too!!! her sister was presumed still born, but a crazy woman who lost her child stole the baby and raised it as her own. that baby grew up to be mother to margo and nora, as well as william white!!! unfortunately, all 3 kids were put up for adoption – which leads us to M&N’s back story as foster kids. WW was adopted by a wealthy family and we all know that storyline, right…?

  47. gemma says:

    I have an idea of “Sweet Valley Day Care” starting from the twins begining in the maternity wing of the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital up until the start of SVK. This is just a rough idea I made up of the 1st chapter, sorr it’s not very good:

    “Push Mrs. Wakefield, push!” urged the midwife, her frost green eyes flashing. Alice Wakefield griped her husband’s powerful, manly hand as she pushed with all her might “Uurgghhhh….Ned! I’m never letting you near me again!”. She digged her perfectally manicured nails into her husand’s hand. “One more push! I can see the head!” encoraged the midwife. Just then popped out a beautiful baby girl, four minutes later another arrived.

    With their sunkissed dowdy blonde hair, blue-green eyes and perfect size 6 diapers everyone agreed the Wakefield twins were the most beautiful children to have ever been born in Sweet Valley.

    • Amber Tan says:

      Continuing gemma’s idea:

      “Carl the Orderly pushed his bedraggled mop down the hospital corridor, past the nursery, and paused to adjust his ill-fitting coveralls. Brushing away the lank brown hair from his illiterate neanderthal brow, Carl’s eyes widened as he caught sight of the beautiful size-6 months Wakefield twins angelically dozing in their adjacent cribs. They were so fragile, so perfect. And someday he would feed them frozen waffles. But not yet, not yet…”

    • Amber Tan says:

      Correction: “Someday he would feed them frozen PANCAKES.”

      Sorry — I just re-watched the South Park episode where the boys have frozen waffles for dinner at Kenny’s house.

  48. noonelikeslois says:

    THE SECRET DIARY OF ENID ROLLINS

    It was anoher beautiful day in sweet valley. the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the water fountain in the courtyard at school bubbled cheerfully. ‘I am so lucky to live here. sweet valley is the most beautiful, perfect town in southern california’. Enid caught a glimpse of her reflection in a window and grimaced. It was really too bad that that she didn’t have the looks to go with the town. First of all, she had hazel eyes, next she had brown hair and last of all …. she was a size ten!!!!! It sometimes made Enid want to kill herself, but then her best friend, Liz Wakefield, would remind her that they were all so much more fortunate than other people in the world – she was a Wakefield and Enid was best friends with one – and Enid would have to agree with her that life could be worse.
    Liz was so beautiful and slender and she was always so concerned about others who were not as pretty or as rich or smart or had a such a handsome boyfriend. At nighttime, Enid would lie in bed, clutching an old shirt of Liz’s that she had stolen one day when liz was distracted by her skanky-ass dumb bitch sister. It still smelt like Liz – perfect and teary and totally constipated. Sometimes, Enid would pretend she was Todd and play with herself all night thinking abt everything she would do to Liz.
    “hey, Enid!”
    Enid shook her head to clear away the trance. Imagine what people would think if they found out? Tom mackay already had the Resident Gay title all sewed up. There was no room for two homos in sweet valley. it just wouldn’t do.
    “hey Enid, get your head out of the clouds!” It was Liz!! Enid’s heart hammered. That sun-streaked blond hair. Those sparkling blue-green eyes. That athletic, tan, size 6 figure!!
    “Hey liz,” Enid replied. “How are you?”
    “I’ve just been to see mr collins. Im having trouble keeping all the boys Im fucking behind Todd’s back a secret. He reminded me it was like that time he and I got drunk and had anal on penny ayala’s desk; what everyone else doesn’t know, won’t hurt them!” She laughed. “i feel so much better. Mr Collins always puts things into perspective for me.”
    Enid wasn’t really listening. She watched as Liz’s perfect, pale pink lips moved open and closed and wished she could throw her down and make sweet love to her. “Yeah, i think he really wasted his talents as a high school english teacher,” Enid agreed. “he would have made a great porn star.”
    Just then, Liz’s sister Jessica appeared around the corner, flanked by a horde of adoring boys. One held her books, another held a little mirror so she could check her hair and a third carried a trumpet to herald her arrival. She sauntered over and several groups of girls gathered on the lawn turned to watch her, then threw their lunches in the nearest bin. “Hey liz,” Jessica called as she approached. “Ive just heard about a new competition the school is having. Miss Sweet Valley Slut. Will you help me with my campaign?”
    “I don’t know jess,” replied liz. “Im already all tied up with my homeless person projects and my Clean Up Sweet Valley Day preparations and also writing that stupid, useless fucking gossip column for the oracle [btw, if im so smart and socially aware, why do i write a column in my newspaper every week that totally slams everyone and exposes all their secrets? fuck im a cunt]
    “Oh no fair!” jess screeched. she threw herself face down and started kicking and screaming and flailing her fists against the ground. “You don’t love me! You’re supposed to be my big sister! boo hoo!”
    “Ok, ok ill help you!” cried liz. jessica leaped up from the ground and patted her hair.
    “Thanks liz! You’re the best!” she chirped.
    Bruce Patman came over to join the little group. “has anyone seen my phone? I had it a second ago.”
    At thatb moment, the song “Tits and Ass Man” started playing, the noise emanating from the front of Bruce’s chinos.
    “oh that’s right!” he said, pulling it out of his pants. “I was using it to stratch my junk. I don’t know which one of you girls it was, but one of you gave me the herps.”
    “Oh, that was probably me,” jessica giggled. “You know me. Im always so forgetful and disorganised! I took a tic-tac instead of the meds that day!”
    Everyone laughed and shook their heads. Jessica lived by her own rules and nothing ever started until she got there because she was so super fabulous. Enid was mostly laughing abt the Special K she had just managed to slip into jessica’s water bottle. ‘You thot you were so good breaking up me and ronnie bitch! Well Ive been simmering over it for the last 100 books! Now you’re gonna pay!’
    Todd suddenly appeared behind Liz and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind. “Oh there you are my little cherub pie!’ he crooned.
    “Todd! Your boner!” Liz exclaimed, annoyed. Todd looked embarrasssed as he quickly made some adjustments.
    “Sorry Liz, but you can’t keep taking me to Miller’s Point and cock teasing me and then make me take you home without so much as as a boob feel. Didn’t patman get a boob feel?”
    “Yes, but that is when she was a totaly nymph after that tragic motorcycle accident you caused!” Enid reminded him.
    Bruce grinned and slapped high fives with the other guys.
    Todd’s coffee-coloured brown eyes flashed in pain. “Do you have any idea how blue my balls are right now?”
    “What are balls?” Ken Mathews wondered.
    “Oh no, ive got to go and see Chrome Dome before I go to class,” Jessica remembered. “Im supposed t get kicked off the squad cos im such a dumb fucking wench and Im failing everything, but Im just going to give him a lap dance and Im sure he’ll just call another assembly to talk about how great we wakefield are.”
    “You’re so right Jess,” Liz agreed. “You should have been expelled years ago, but lucky he loves blonde cheerleaders and he wants to tap mum.”
    “is there anyone in the whole town who doesn’t love the wakefields?” Enid asked.
    Everyone looked at each other. Was there? They all began to laugh. How could anyone ever question it?

    • Rodney says:

      Non profit used to mean small and contumimy based or growing and contumimy based. Now it includes large institutions that pay good salaries and benefits to their regular mid to upper level employees. This chart needs to segment different size NPOs.

  49. Lila Flower says:

    L.O.V.E.D Enid’s secret diary.

    ‘the third carried a trumpet to herald her arrival’

    Oh, I nearly lost my lunch 🙂

  50. Lila Flower says:

    THE SECRET DIARY OF WINSTON EGBERT

    As the bell chimed throughout the school hall, I carefully checked my digital watch that I had rigged to monitor the movements of Jessica Wakefield. There she was again, in the female bathroom. Possibly brushing her hair. Her long, sweet, blonde hair… I reached into the left hand pocket of my pants and gently fingered the ball of blonde hair tied in a pink ribbon. I had been collecting strands of her hair since Sweet Valley Kids. Reaching into the right hand pocket of my jeans, I twisted my Jessica doll and sighed. One day, one day soon, Jessica Wakefield would become Jessica Egbert. For now, I could only dream about it. I walked through the hall towards the cafeteria in a daze, thinking about how Jessica would look with chest hair. When I reached the cafeteria there was a banner hung across the door. It said ‘No Homosexuals’. I grinned. Sweet Valley was pure and we were going to keep it that way. Sometimes you have to prune through the weak to get to the strong. And then… There she was… My Aryan queen. Standing on top of a long cafeteria table with a megaphone to her mouth. Her soft, pink mouth. I reached into the right hand pocket of my pants and gently traced a finger over the mouth of my Jessica doll. So close yet so far.

    “Give me an S! Give me a H! Give me a V!” Jessica shouted, pumping up the crowd for the afternoon football game against Big Mesa/Palisides/El Carro hasn’t been introduced yet. I felt the blood pumping through my veins as I watched the crowd, watching her, watching us. Oh Jessica, Jessica my darling. How could I prove my love to her? She hadn’t taken it kindly when I had burst in on her in the female toilet. But how could I explain to her that it was my love, OUR love, that compelled me to watch her urinate? No… it couldn’t be this way. There was only one way Jessica and I could be together…

    When the afternoon bell rang I ran from my French class (FYI: Miss Dalton is also hot. But she is not blonde. Therefore, she must be pruned). I got into my beat up car and drove straight home. When I reached home, the house was empty. I walked through our living room towards the door leading down to the basement. I carefully unlocked the ten locks I had fitted to the door. You can never be too careful. I made my way down the flight of stairs into the basement and, once I reached the ground, lit a lone candle. With this light, the room was illuminated and, like every time before, I sucked in my breath. Jessica’s face stared at me from all over the walls. Every corner, every inch, I looked at Jessica. Sometimes, I found that I was unable to take as many secretive photos of Jessica as I liked. When this happened, I would go through magazines and white out their heads and draw Jessica heads on them. They were all blonde. So blonde. I pulled the blonde ball of hair from my pants and held it up to my nose. I breathed in deeply. I put the hair in my mouth. I tasted the hair. I sighed. Jessica…

    • noonelikeslois says:

      oh my god priceless!!!!!!!!!
      ‘one day jessica wakefield will be jessica egbert’
      it has a certain ring to it

      • Lila Flower says:

        I was thinking the same thing…

        I was also considering getting good ‘ol E Rollins in on the Jessica-Winston action. Perhaps being used as Winston’s faithful servant to collect Jessica hairs?

  51. upstatestruggler says:

    Okay, I know this is a little off topic/the wall, but I ran into a piece of what I think may be a portion Heidi Pratt-Montag’s stab fiction while cleaning up trash on the side of the highway today. had to share it with someone and Found Magazine wasn’t interested…
    ********************
    Everyone knew that Maura was just jealous. She had tried to blow Spengler in Rhode’s hot tub like fifteen times the night before. How could Heddy help the fact that, after he dscovered her willingness to meet with a plastic surgeon on their third date and made a sex tape/music video on their first visit to his Nanny’s, that he liked her best of all?

    And speaking of sex tapes, she was getting a little tired of it being chalked up to his ‘rumors’ and ‘lies’ and ‘fakedness’. She knew that tape existed because she filmed it herself! Heddy wished so bad that she had never allowed Maura to sign that release. The one that said we, I mean they, couldn’t tell anyone about it, you know, or they’d get sued.

    It was all Chad Nutshack’s fault anyway. He was the wierdo that brought the whole thing together. He was Spengler’s mentor in the art of being a modern-today Sgve…Spen…SVENGALI, yeah, that’s it. Anyhoo, If Chad hadn’t told the girls that one night in his sauna/living room when that little Asian boy was setting off those firecrackers that they needed to remember the power of the release form…

    Shirlena couldn’t write her own name, but there were so many pictures of her with boobs, without boobs, in the middle of getting said boobs that it rilly didn’t matter. Why buy the cow if the milk’s free, Heddy’s mom Marlene always says. Nasally.

    Everything was cool between Maura and Heddy until that bitch with the allegedly high IQ showed up. Mo was used to being the most smartest girl in her world after growing up in Kahuna Flats and she never let anyone forget that she got the highest Iowa Test scores KF Elementary had ever seen. She came in with her high-falutin’ ideas of the ways a girl representing Kahuna Flats should be behaving and having a camera shoved right up your butt during a twelve-way wasn’t one of them.

    “Oh, Jesus, what more do I want?” Maura sighed as she brushed her hair in the mirror, pausing only to pick up extensions as they fluttered to the carpet made of REAL ANIMAL SKINS her, um…oilman! Yeah, that’s it! Oilman! Daddy shot in his private game reserve. “I have everything. I got married in Calexico last year, in a real American church this year, forgot to have a wedding reception, and now my sister Dolly is dating Sanjay Mallomar from the incredibly popular hit factory/juggernaut/modern-day gong show United States Awesome Person With Moderate Talent! When am I going to let go of the incredible night of passion I shared with Maura?”

    The mirrored door swung open and her one-toned husband walked in.

    “Wifey, have I got some news for you!”

  52. noonelikeslois says:

    OK so I was an sv fan from abt the ages of 8-13 and used to collect the books religously. Every fortnight I would go to the bookshop and buy the latest SVH or the latest SVT novel and then read them within about an hour. Collecting them in this way allowed me to notice a lot of disturbing descrepencies in the storylines. Being the manic, OCD person I am, I, like all the rest of you, whiled away precious innocent years attempting to establish some sort of continuity for the series and ended up harried and frustrated as the twins appear to live in some strange land where you never got old. One of the biggest stumbling blocks I ever came across was that the twins were 12 in grade 6 and 16 in grade eleven. Thankfully, Francine decreed the girls had been through enough for one year, it was time they went on to their final year at school and had the GWs write the Earthquake series. (Whatever happened to the senor year series?)

    Anyway, so I hadnt picked up an SVH book in YEARS when a friend showed me this site and I suddenly felt whole again! You see, like all of you, Francine’s sick little fantasies had caused me to end up with some fucked up expectations and to see that others had experienced the same thing was relieving. I now enjoy reading the books in a different way – I find myself cackling with laughter over the most inappropriate things – Liz with her hand on people’s shoulder, Jess with her sociopathic cock-teasing. Since my brother ‘accidently’ threw out the box I had my SVH books in the last time we moved, I have about 2 of the Senior Year books left and have had to some from a friend. I read the SVTAF books ‘Poor Lila!’, ‘Jessica and the Money Mix Up’ and ‘ Jessica the Nerd’.

    Oh. My. God.

    No WONDER I ended up a little strange! Im going through Jessica the Nerd right now and I am dumbfounded. These kids are freaks! Im sorry, I know Im probably not allowed to do my own reviews on here, but I just had to share the awesomeness (awfulness) with you guys. I will never compare to ihatewheat but ohmygod this is just so amazingly SV that I couldnt help myself.

    So first off ill tell you about SVMS. Like SVH, it on a beautiful campus. Elizabeth writes for the Sixers, a middle school version of The Oracle, although Elizabeth seems to be an investigative reporter on this rag. I think she may be editor also. Jessica is in the Boosters, the school cheerleading squad (which also includes Winston Egbert, Amy Sutton and Lila Fowler). Only, in middle school, as we know, Amy is Elizabeth’s friend but she is dog ugly and likes science. Amy is half-bearable sometimes in the SVT series but int his one she was a freaking drama queen. Jessica is also part of the Unicorns, this club that includes, as we hear on every second page, the ‘prettiest and most popular girls in school’. The Unicorns are headed by this jumped up little dictator named Janet who is in grade 8. What kind of a thirteen or fourteen year old hangs out with kids two years younger that them? It seems most of the members are in Jessica’s grade. If someone had started a club and named it Unicorns and made everyone dress in purple (the colour of royalty) at my school, they would have been laughed out of the place. Or beaten up just because they’re a wanker and should have been drowned at birth.

    Anyway, so in this book everyone has to sit a test for this new science program they’re doing called SOAR! It lasts for two weeks and only those that do really well are allowed in the class. naturally, Elizabeth and her mates are all “We totes have to get in!” and Jess and Lila think it will be Geeky McGeeksville and don’t take it seriously at all.

    So, as one probably guesses by the title, of course, Elizabeth AND Jessica both get into the class. Because, as I think we all know, if Jessica put in a little more effort she would be doing as well as Elizabeth. Its like, the twins are so perfect that they are naturally incredibly smart as well. This really shits me, just like it’s annoying that Elizabeth is a master gymnast/cheerleader whenever the need arises. It’s insulting that Francine makes them these perfect all rounders.

    I digress.

    So, everyone is all surprised that Jess gets in, except Amy, who is fully down because she didn’t get into the program and all her friends did and Amy LIKES science but Jessica doesn’t but she gets to go to class. The Unicorns all feel bad for Jess and try and help her think of ways to get out of the class. Honeslty, these girls are IDIOTS. Their ‘meetings’ consist of sitting around and doing their nails and hair. Me and my friends NEVER did that shit hey. And as mentioned before, Janet is a bossy fucking cunt. Um, why doesn’t Jessica just say “Im not going” if its a problem and thats that? Its not like Nalice would really put up much of a fight because every time they do, Liz gets all riteous on them and tell sthem how to parent.

    Anyway, so the first class is actually fun for Jess, only she doesn’t let on to anyone she is enjoying herself or it will be social suicide. Meanwhile, Amy starts acting all weird around Elizabeth and won’t talk to her or any of their other friends. The SOAR! class (and yes, everytime they say SOAR! it’s in capital letters with an exclaimation mark) is run by a total ‘science geek’ with crazy silver hair and a clouds-on-a-blue sky tie. I rolled my eyes into the back of my head. Jessica keeps making little mistakes around the Unicorns like suggesting they do an experiment to see which hair spray is better and forgetting Ellen Riteman’s brithday (now that one’s a TWIT). One afternoon, Amy comes over and her and the twins start studying together but in five minutes Amy has a tanty because she isn’t in SOAR! and runs out.

    Oh, and Janet and Lila try and ‘help’ Jess get out of the class by sending an anonymous letter to the principal accusing Jess of cheating. There is a delightful scene where jess gets called into the office and thinks its cos she and Lila got into a hairspray fight in gym and there is a little communication breakdown. When he tells jess why she’s really there, she gets all Elizabeth on him, but gets away with being rude cos she’s a Wakefield. Finally, Janet snaps and tells Jess she has to choose between SOAR! and the Unicorns. Um, doesn’t it only last for two weeks?

    I will say one thing for Amy; she has more balls than Enid when it comes to fighting with Liz. Amy is the star baton twirler on the Booster’s squad and there is a big game coming up next week that she is supposed to do a solo routine at. She just can’t get the routine down right and it is inferred its because she is so down abt not being in SOAR!. She makes all these glum comments abt ‘all the empty seats in class’.

    I think Francine was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 stone in this book. The oublishers obvs wanted a book that dealt with global warming AND 1 that dealt with sexism. So she fused them into one (and didn’t really address either) so she could go back to writing the usual vapid nonsense. There is a lot in the science classes about global warming and greenhouse effects and the whole class plants some trees (Jessica forgets Booster’s practice and stays after school to finish putting hers in the ground). There is also this storyline that has Janet telling Jessica and all the Unicorns thats science is a male domain and women can’t possibly compete. She also gets angry wth Jessica when she tells her sort-of boyf (wtf?) that she knows more than him about basketball. Apparently, girls should NEVER seem to be smarter than boys because ‘they don’t like it, they like thinking they’re better at things’. I vomited in my mouth when I read that. How do they sleep at night?!

    So Jessica is all upset when Janet tells her to choose but the science teacher explains to Jess without science there would be no TV. cable, beauty products etc. Jess tries to pass this on to the Unicorns, but janet throws her out anyway. It turns out Janet is actually jealous of Jess – because Jess is in the same class as the luuuuuuurve of Janet’s life, Denny Jacobson. So Jess is allowed back into the group, it’s cos the Unicorns felt Jess was dissing them that they all acted like bitches. Amy wows everyone with her baton solo at the big game and she and Liz are bffs again because the SOAR! class has ended.

    So what do we learn? I think the moral is to let your friends shit on you when they’re jealous, particularly if it involves something that needs brains cos, as we all know, that’s only just in front of scurvy on the list of disgusting diseases.

    Oh and just to touch on the cover, Jessica sits at a desk with four nerds clambering around her gazing in rapture over her Liz-like smirk and massive purple jumper. One of the kids wears a shirt reading “E = MC2” and is totes channelling Harry Potter.

    So to sum up, Liz is a doormat with infinite understanding (she never tells Amy to shut the fuck up and get over it) for those who arent as well off as her. Jessica will probably go back to being a total dumbass in the next book. In fact, if memory serves, Jessica spends most of her future years balancing precariously on the line between pass and fail.

  53. gemma says:

    “If someone had started a club and named it Unicorns and made everyone dress in purple (the colour of royalty) at my school, they would have been laughed out of the place. Or beaten up just because they’re a wanker and should have been drowned at birth.”

    This made me LOL. I read some of the SVT books when I was in first year of high school (I’m from England we start at 11 over here so was the same age as the twins were in the books) and even back then I thought that. You could possibly get away with it when your 6 or 7 in primary school but after that you’d be considered the biggest outcasts at school, certainly not the most popular. Then again I went to school in Liverpool not perfect Sweet Valley.

  54. Karla Keffer says:

    I think I’d just like to see Death from Sandman show up every time someone does two lines of coke/drinks and drives/gets trapped under a fridge during an earthquake. It would be a shame to drag poor Neil Gaiman into this travesty, though.

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