Yup, the Wakefield twins are the same annoying shrews in France, too

Elizabeth "Wow, France is full of poor schmucks I can help"; Jessica: "Hey France, check out my boobs!"

I really hate when an SVH book exceeds my expectations, but that happens…rarely. Here is the last of the “old school” Super Editions I have yet to caption, and I was avoiding it because I thought I knew the plot. The twins head to France, so I thought that meant Elizabeth getting a job as a famous artiste and meeting men at the Louvre, and Jessica falling in love with a guy in a beret and making out on top of the Eiffel Tower. But shame on me, the girls are actually off to Cannes, not Paris. Way to throw me a curve ball, Francine!

Yea, but the book turned out to be full of rehashed plots from other books. I ask for the thousandth time- do the ghostwriters even READ the other books? Quality control was not big in the 80s I guess.

So we are on another mysterious Spring Break, this is when Liz is between Todd and Jeffrey (not that way, you pervs!) The twins are on a French exchange program, sponsored by Ms. Dalton, who, is nowhere to be seen chaperoning this thing; the twins are by themselves on the plane. I don’t even know where the other students are. Furthermore, the twins are just pawned off onto a single mother who does enough and now has to feed and house these spoiled brats.

Liz is excited to improve on her French and thinks that by the end of the week she will be fluent. Ferme la bouche, Liz. Also? The twins are like, super stoked to make friends on this trip, and the first few days are all up in arms that they don’t have someone to hang out with. Like they can’t possibly fathom being somewhere where not everyone is clamoring to hang out with them.

They are staying with a woman named Avery Glitze, who we hear several times is a slender woman. The fuck? Like it matters? The fam speaks English, but Liz insists on speaking in French. Of course.

Avery has a son named Rene, who at first is awesome, because he hates the twins on site and makes overtly snotty remarks to them all the time.  But as meddler Liz finds out, Rene is ANGRY! He’s HURT! Because his American father abandoned the family. And you know what happens to teens without a heterosexual two parent household…So Rene hates all Americans. Plus, he was swimming at the beach once and his friend drowned so he’s also afraid of the water. Kind of unrelated, but very convenient to the plot. The meaner he is to Liz [he actually invites her to go to lunch with he and his friends, and berades her the whole time. It’s kind of awesome] the more she tries to meddle with him and find out his feelings about his father and Americans. It’s such an unstable inverse relationship between the two.

Jessica decides to take a jog one morning, and meets some guy at his house because he drivesd an expensive car. She agrees to let him take her out and see the town. Oh, I mean “the Riviera”. She finds him boring because he doesn’t want to talk about her all the time. Meanwhile, Liz finds a puppy and it turns out that it belongs to a Countess. The Countess invites Liz over and they chat and she tells liz that she is an intelligent, intriguing young lady. This is the theme of the trip- Liz seeking out people who will kiss her ass. The Countess instroduces Liz to her grandson, Jean-Claude (of COURSE that’s his name) and they go and hang out. J-C is like the French Bruce Patman.

Jessica is bored with Marc but of course gets all hot under the collar for J-C, so she pulls the old twin switcheroo (A-GAIN) and pretends to be Elizabeth and secretly hangs out with J-C behind Elizabeth’s back. Liz thinks J-C dumps her so she spends her time working on Rene. She discovers that Rene’s father writes him every month but Rene throws away the letters. Liz, in her meddliest of meddling, SAVES one of the letters behind Rene’s back and convinces him to read it. BUTT THE FUCK OUT, LIZ. (I couldn’t figure out how to say that in French).

Meanwhile, nerdy Marc stops by the house and Liz figures out what Jessica’s been up. Liz, so devastated by the fact that she hasn’t made ANY friends on the trip, forces Marc to hang out with her. He takes her to a gallery opening, where she talks to the artist about her interpretation of his work, and the artist points out that Liz is a mature, intelligent insightful young lady. Of course.

Liz, of course, is talking to all of these people in perfect, fluent French. Of course.

One night Jessica is late for dinner because she and J-L were picnicking on a small island (where J-C of course brought several types of cheeses to sample) and the sailboat capsized in the storm. Liz makes Rene help save them and they both dive in the water, saving them! I feel like this is the eighth time that one of the twins jumps in water to save someone. Well, at least here , here, here, and here. In fact, Rene suddenly overcomes his fear of swimming, JUST TO SAVE THE WAKEFIELDS! Liz cures his fear! He also then decides that Liz helped him overcome his hatred for his father! Liz is all, “good thing I saved the letter from your father and read it!”

Liz also forgives Jessica for deceiving her, pretending to be her, and stealing her date, and thus enabling her. Audrey Glitze also forgives Jessica by totally disregarding her rules and staying out late. Because she’s a fucking Wakefield.

This all happens in the first three days of their vacation. I shit you not. The book ends with the twins looking forward to the second half of their time in Cannes, now that they all have made friends and established themselves as the center of the world. If the book were to go on, I am sure the French president would have made them dignitaries or something.

Oh, I almost forgot. Audrey’s daughter, Ferney (yea), is staying with the Wakefields. It is an exchange, remember? Ferney is a dead ringer (pun intended) for Tricia Martin. Wait, another one? What, is she a cylon? Of course, Steven, who is always home to hang out with her, total neglects Cara and Cara has a near-meltdown. The exact same thing that happened when that Andrea girl showed. up. DO YOUR HOMEWORK EDITORS. Is that too much to ask. Also, do Cara and Steven fight as much as Liz and Todd? That might be true.

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Shouldn’t this be a super chiller?

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The Ghost of Tricia Martin: A Play in Two Acts

Act 1

[Scene 1: Lisette’s Boutique]

Andrea: Woooooooooo!!! I’m a ghost!!! Whooooooooo! Of Tricia Martin!!!!!! WhooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooo

Steven: Your haunting beauty and nondescript personality reminds me of my dead girlfriend!

Andrea: WhooooOOOOOOOoooooooo

[Scene 2: on the phone]

Cara: Hi Steven!

Steven: Fuck you bitch, why are you so annoying? You’re not Andrea! Go away! I hate you!

Cara: Oh my god! This is all my fault? What did I do wrong???

[Scene 3: At the aquarium]

Andrea: So what are we doing for lunch?

Steven: THAT’S AMAZING! TRICIA LIKED LUNCH! This is such a coincidence.

Andrea: Ok, whatevs, can we just go?

Steven: AMAZING! Tricia also spoke English! I can’t believe my Tricia is back for me! Steven: Andrea, I am going to give you a test now to see if you are like Tricia or not….so I am thinking of taking hang gliding lessons….

Andrea: Ok, whatever…so as I was saying…

Steven: OMG! Tricia would have totally supported me in my desire to randomly hang glide! It’s a miracle!Also, can you wear your hair down and put on this ruffly shirt?

Andrea: Um, why?

Steven: Because it will make you look like Tri….it will make you look good.

[Scene 4[At hang gliding lesson]

CRASH!

Steven: Ouch!

—-

Act 2

[Scene 1:At the hospital]

Steven: Oh, Andrea, swo glad you can visit…that means you are really in love with me.

Andrea: Actually, my boyfriend is waiting for me outside. You creep me out, kinda. Stop trying to make me wear a dead girl’s clothes.

Steven: Um, okay. Shit, I should have been nicer to Cara.

—-

[Scene 2: Later that day at the hospital]

Steven: Cara, I know I cheated on you and treated you like shit, but now that Andrea dumped me, I figured I should probably try to win you back as my backup plan.

Cara: Because having a spine is not hot in Sweet Valley, I will take you back! Besides, it was my fault!

Steven: How so?

Cara: I don’t know, just give me a tender kiss!

[FIN]

Postscript:

Seriously, the ghostwriter was phoning this one in. And everyone say it with me on the count of three: STEVEN, GO BACK TO COLLEGE! Stop hanging around the mall and picking up chicks. Oh, but wait, they conveniently had him “taking time off” to work on an independent study project. At least they tried to give an explanation. As if that ever happens during the semester— all your classes agree to stop for an independent project? I guess they were banking on young girls not understanding how college works. Or something.

What were the twins doing? Being super annoying, of course! Liz of course was shaking a finger at Steven trying to tell him what to do. Jessica was annoyed at Cara for being depressed about Steven because it took the attention of her and she was being a drag. Jessica also met a guy at a beach party who was a crunchy lefty hippy but went for him just to prove she could. He was all into pamphletting, going to council hearings, on environmental issues, watching documentaries and playing the guitar and actually talking about world issues. Of course, this was played for comedic effect, and Jessica ends up dumping him because he is JUST SO BORING. Seriously, with Jessica in this one, bewtween getting mad at Cara for being a “drag” and with this guy, it could go either way…it’s a wink from the ghost writer to show how obnoxious Jessica was or it is played without any satire….maybe I am putting too much hope in SVH ghostwriters.