The New Elizabeth


I know you all wanted me to make this into a dramatic reading, but I really, that won’t help me express how goddam ridiculous and loop-holed this is.

Firstly, I don’t think the ghostwriters even keep up with the series. Pretty much there was a “New Jessica” book, and this one is about Elizabeth learning to surf, and later on, when Jessica wants to learn to surf, it isn’t even mentioned.

Ok, so Liz is finally tired of everyone saying she is predictable and boring. Doesn’t this happen like every third book? And isn’t she all smug about it all the time? So, instead of maybe, say, getting a little tipsy at a party like many a teenager would do to prove their wildness, she decides to learn to surf. Uh, okay.

Well, CONVENIENTLY at the Big Mesa Surf Club, a few friends are betting some guy Sean that he can turn the first person that walks in the club to be a champion surfer. CONVENIENTLY Liz is the one that walks in. CONVENIENTLY Liz is so amazing he can’t help but fall in love with her. CONVENIENTLY Liz neglects to mention she has a boyfriend because she is an egomaniac who loves the attention. CONVENIENTLY Liz has amazing skills that allow her to surf like a pro within a month. Like how she can suddenly do flips and cartwheels.

Liz tells everyone that she is spending her time doing some dorky extra credit science project on the beach, and they all believe her, but Todd suspects she is cheating and gets all mad. I’m fucking falling asleep thinking about it. Liz is of course about the win the big surfing competition, but she throws the win to some girl Laurie, who is secretly in love with Sean and only when she wins a surf competition will Sean he pay attention to her. Wow, Liz being a champion surfer but also can’t resist helping the poor and pathetic. CONVENIENTLY she never speaks to Shaun again, because he is never mentioned again. I guess because she didn’t need him anymore because she was done with surfing. She can go back to playing scrabble on Saturdays with Todd (which she does in this book. Hawt.) Liz is so high and mighty but acts so self-centered. She even knows what sciopathic plan Jessica is hatching and just waves it off.

Which is making Caroline Pierce’s life a living hell. Caroline is working at an expensive boutique, and Lila and Jessica go to be difficult and make her wait on them. Finally Caroline gets back at her by managing to trick Jessica into be left in her underwear in the dressing room. Noyce!


So what did we learn? That Elizabeth is pretty much as conniving, manipulating, lying, cheating as Jessica, but at least Jessica is up front about it and doesn’t hide behind some facade as a bookish, well-behaved saint. In a weird way, I can respect Jessica for being honest.

Bill Chase: just a fool in love or #8 Heartbreaker


I’ve decided to go old school and go back to the early numbers I haven’t recapped yet. Before I rip into the content, this might be one of the best (worst) covers ever. Firstly, it looks like they took Jessica’s head from the Double Love cover and glued it on another body. And that two-tone bikini! Straight out of the Newport News catalog! Bill looks big, dopey and scary. I know Jessica is supposed to be slender, but he looks out of proportion. He’s trying to impress Jess with his armpit aroma. Also, is there a Sweet Valley Surf club? Methinks not. Finally, the awesome part. It looks like cover model was William Zabka, famous for playing the high school asshole in classic teen movies. You know, the blond ringleader of Cobra Kai. Hit it, Joe Esposito!


And now for the er,um…plot. Hit it, Mariah! At the end of the last book, Bill was in love with Elizabeth, but while Elizabeth was in her coma-induced slut mission, Jessica tricked Bill into going out with her and made him fall in love with her. Don’t question, just go with it. So now Bill and Jessica have the lead in a school play and he is hopelessly in love with her and she eats it up. But has no real interest in him and strings him along. Why is she doing this? “I’m only getting him back for ignoring me in the beginning.” Let’s all say it in unison: Jessica is a SOCIOPATH! Ugh. And Bill likes her because Jessica looks like his old girlfriend Julianne who died tragically a few years back. Boo-fucking-hoo.

However, DeeDee Gordon is also in love with Bill, but he sees her as just a friend, and someone who he is teaching to surf. You know that DeeDee is a fucking loser because she has brown hair and freckles. Finally Bill realizes that Jess is a douchebag maniac and realizes that the very thing he is looking for is something he can’t see. And she is just fine being second choice. Hit it, Vanessa!

Oh, DeeDee’s dad is a famous movie producer and he is bringing his producer friend to the play to scout some talent. Pshaaahhhh! Jessica of course thinks they mean her but really they want to nake Bill is a star, but he’s not sure he wants the moviestar life. “Come on” the producer says. “I can get your great roles in The Karate Kid one AND two, plus a featured role on Just One of the Guys.”

As much as Francine depicts the girls horribly in these books, she’s not really too keen on the men. The boys in these books are seriously interchangeable, and have no distinguishable personalities and are really just playthings of the girls. When they do have distinctive personalities, it’s to be a misogynist asshole (Bruce) or a nerdy loser (Winston). The only way to tell the guys apart is which sport they play.

The other dreadful plotline is that Liz is jealous of an old girlfriend of Todd’s that transfers to SVH and they fight about it and Liz gets all insecure until Todd has to profess how perfect she is and how in love he is with her before she feels better. VOMIT. Did they really get this annoying so early? The gal is Patsy Webber, who could be a supermodel, apparently. “Patsy looked too sophisticated to be in high school. She was wearing a straw-slim skirt belted with a wide leather sash around her tiny waist and delicate high heels. Her coppery-red hair was cut fashionable short in back, with a tumble of curls that dipped over her forehead. A pair of slanted green eyes regarded Elizabeth with friendly interest.” First of all, that haircut sounds dreadful. Second of all, she’s dressed like a hooker at the Paramus Mall in New Jersey.

This one was so quote-tastic, so here we go:

When Jessica sees Bill and DeeDee at the beach together, she determinedly set off down the beach. Aware of the stares she was getting in her bronze, wet-look bikini, she added a slight swing to her hips, for the benefit of the male audience. Ugh. What’s wet-look? That must be an eighties thing.

Oh also, Jessica orders a cheeseburger, double fries, and chocolate milkshake at the DB, but is scared that it may make her breakout. Remember when people thought acne was caused by junk food? Oh, the eighties.

“You’re in love with Liz, and she’s Jessica’s twin,” Bill defended weakly. “Jessica’s not Liz,” Todd said. “They may look alike, but that’s where the similarity ends.” Has Todd been reading the other books?

Lois Waller has nothing to do with this plot, but they had to have her make an appearance so that they can ridicule her. The nerd brigade (Olivia, Enid, and Lois) roll up into the parking lot and Lois is “always trying so hard to impress people and be the center of things.” And Jessica ISN’T? “Please, spare me the cracks about being blind,” Lois chimed in, blinking behind the thick glasses she wore. They were always slipping down her nose, no matter how often she poked them back into place. “I can’t even find my way out of the shower without my glasses!” Heh! O misfortune for not being blond, size six and blessed with aqua-marine eyes with perfect 20/20 vision! Is there even a book in the series where Lois gets some plotline? Or is she just there as a cautionary tale of what happens when you are not a Wakefield?

There’s an actual mention of sophomore year! The neverending junior year time continuum explodes!

The plot of the play they are in is: “Deanie tries to commit suicide by drowning herself and afterward, her boyfriend, Bud, feels so guilty he can hardly live with himself.” A little heavy for high school? Wtf, school board?

I think this ghostwriter is still bitter that she did not score a job writing harlequin romances and is taking one last shot at impressing them:

“Bill…” DeeDee murmed weakly. She was stopped from saying anymore by the warm, gentle pressure of Bill’s lips against hers. DeeDee forgot that she was half drowned and shivering from the cold. She forgot that her head was throbbing as if she’s charged straight into a brick wall. The only thing she was aware of was the wet, salty warmth of Bill’s kiss. Heat flooded through her. Her frozen toes and fingers tingles as they thawed. She sighed-a long, shuddery sigh- as Bill gathered her to him in a sandy embrace. With her cheek pressed to his strong chest, she could hear the steady hammering of his heart. A strange, floaty feeling crept over her. None of what was happening seemed real somehow. Was she dreaming it? His lips were moving over her hair, gently brushing agaist her cheek. His mouth closed over hers once again. At that moment they were caught in a sudden surge of white water. It swirled around them, sending up fans of foamy spray. DeeDee forgot how threatening the sea had seemed such a short while agao. Now the water felt teasing and delicious as it fizzed over her body, mingling with the salty taste of Bill’s kiss.

I’ve been reading A Conderacy of Dunces, and for one, wondering why I never read it before now, and two, have taken to having Ignatius J. Reillyesque outburts as I read SVH books. My thought about reading the above passage was “can I believe this revolting offense to literature? What an abortion to the eyes!”