The winter of my discontent

Exciting news! Our super sleuths have uncovered a relic of the SVH series, the Automatic Super Edition Plot Generator ™, which the ghostwriters used to save time. Some would say it is the precursor to the Family Guy Joke Generator (as seen here). Ghost writers just had to pick these categories out of a hat and throw in some stuff about lavelieres and the beach, and bam! Another super edition.

Time of Year:
summer
Christmastime
a break from school
an unspecified time that will never be mentioned again

Jessica is: (you may choose more than one)
in love with a new boy
out to make herself a celebrity
having a pity party
hatching a plan to ruin the life of an overweight/ugly girl
fucking Liz over

Elizabeth is: (choose six)
bending over taking it from Jessica
enabling Jessica’s behavior
cheating on Todd
cheating on Jeffrey
fighting with Todd
fighting with Jeffrey
fighting with Jessica
solving a crime
talking about writing

The big event where everything comes to a head is:
A dance
a party at Lila’s
a trip to a foreign country
a vacation
a battle of wills against a crazy psycho

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Seriously though, this one was kind of a rip off. We didn’t get to the actual fucking carnival until the last few pages, and it seemed like it took bits and pieces from every other plot.

Firstly, the time continuum thing here was so wacked. So, it’s wintertime again, and Liz is with Jeffrey and Todd is going to be in town. However, not the same winter where Todd and Suzanne get together, or where Enid gets with Jeffrey because Liz already dumped him for Todd. I’m not even going to try to wrap my head around that.

There’s a big winter carnival up at a ski lodge for Sweet Valley high students and alum. Of course Steven will be there, because why the hell would be be at class? The way they word it is that Steven is “taking time off from college” to attend. Like he actually contacted his professors and asked to be excused because he wanted to romp in the snow with his high school friends, instead of just leaving for the weekend. That is something Steven would do, and in the SV world, it would be perfectly acceptable.

Liz is with Jeffrey and Todd is coming in for a visit, and he wants Liz to go to an awards banquet with him to honor him for being a Big Brother is a child or something. Because Todd’s a saint. Jeffrey gets mad and Liz has no idea why, when, oh SHE GETS FUCKING JEALOUS EVERYTIME HER BOYFRIEND IS WITHIN 5 FEET OF ANOTHER WOMAN. There’s also this bullshit where she keeps mentioning that Jeffrey really doesn’t understand how relationships work because this is his first relationship. Excuse me, WHAT? Because Liz is an expert? Bish plz.

Oh and Jessica keeps fucking her over, what else is new. Liz and Enid were going to be on a trivia show but Jess and Amy stole their answers and went on the show instead. (And Jessica tried to get on the opposing team captain to convince him to let them win. Prostitute much?). Oh, and Jess forgot to give Liz several phone calls which causes her to look like a fool. For once, Liz actually gets pissed. Finally, Jess is tired of watching Liz and Jeffrey fight (welcome to the club) and up at the lodge pretends to be Liz so she can have them make up. Liz sees them and thinks that Jess and Jeffrey are doing it (although according to one of the stupud Secret Diaries, Jeffrey and Jess did get up on each other). Liz proclaimes “I wish I never had a sister.” Dun dun dun. This is the equivalent to “I wish the goblins would take you away…right now.” Anyone? Anyone?

So Liz becomes a huge attention whore and runs away to the bus stop and goes home. Jess calls her and demands whats wrong but Liz won’t tell her. Jessica then drives home from the lodge but on the way home gets into an accident and is killed.

OR IS SHE?

We can only hope, right? I wonder if people reading this one for the first time thought it really happened. Turns out Jess is alive and Liz forgives her for everything because she was so upset aout her dream. Therefore, Jessica is once again enabled and doesn’t have to truly apologize for the crap she did to Liz.

All is well and they have a jolly time at the carnival, throwing snowballs and luging and crap. Jeffrey and Todd share a homoerotic moment. Maybe I am just overananalyzing it.

Shit, I was bored just writing the recap. This one totally fails.

At the carnival, Liz is sharing a room with Enid, Olivia and Regina. Most boring room ever.

Everyone thinks Winston is a kook because he wants to name the dance “The Snow Ball”. I think it should be called “The Blue Ball.”

Also, the cover picture never happened in the book. I wish they would fall down that mountain on their size six asses.

Welcome to Enid’s pity party.

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I actually like the way Enid is depicted here. I like her full (healthy) face and think she looks pretty. Don’t love the hairstyle and the pink/green outfit combo, but you win some and lose some.

I decided to read this one because Enid is so often depicted as Elizabeth’s “yes” girl that I have been lying awake at night wondering what ENID’s hopes and dreams are. Well, the twins have their own chapters from their POV in this one. Enid can’t even get a whole book to herself!

Magically, it is Christmastime again. Not to be mistaken with the MS hoax or the psycho killer Christmases, mind you. Liz is fucking moping around because Todd is going to Vermont for the break. GET OVER IT. Really. She’s like so depressed about it and mopes the entire time. He’ll be gone for about 8 days. Liz, why don’t you cheat on him, that always seems to make you feel better.

So Liz is depressed so Enid of course feels it is her personal duty to be there for Liz and drop everything to make her feel better. Enid gushes how luuuuucky she is to be friends with Liz, because “she was warm and friendly and everyone at school likes her”. Once, when Enid was a raging alcoholic wildchild, she would never DESERVE the friendship of someone like Liz. Enid got high freshman year and drove around with a guy named Brian and they killed a kid. Yet another thinly veiled reason to scare kids off alcohol and drugs.

Oh barf: “Enid didn’t have a boyfriend at the moment. Recently she broke up with Hugh Grayson. It would be fun to go shopping, see movies, and just hang out with Elizabeth. Romance was special, but so was best-friendship.” Seriously, Enid has a really unhealthy obsession with Elizabeth. For her Christmas present, Enid buys her a silk, heart-shaped box. Um.

What else is going on in pathetic Enid’s life: oh yea, her parents are divorced, and her father is coming into to town but her mother is bad mouthing her father to Enid. Enid meets him at his hotel, and realizes he is already drunk before noon. She calls him out on it and tells him his drinking is out of control, he tells her “I remember a time when you enjoyed a drink or two.” BAM! HE WENT THERE!

Also, Enid has been hanging out with Jeffrey French, but it seems all he wants to do is talk about Elizabeth. Elizabeth, being the egomaniac she is, brings cookies to Jeffrey on Xmas Eve, and further torments him so he can still be in love with her. HATE. LIZ. SO. MUCH. Enid’s pissed because she came over to Jeffrey’s in her very special Xmas outfit, which consisted of “a white turtleneck, swingy red skirt, and green headband.” Welcome to third grade, Enid. And her present to Jeffrey, a quart of ice cream (wtf? Please don’t ask.) Enid finally starts to get mad at Elizabeth for always having to be the center of attention and making it all about her.

Furthermore, she sees Jeffrey and Liz together at the Xmas party, so she finally gets some ovaries and gets mad at Liz, and goes of with her friend Brian, a guy from her “wild past”. They get high and drunk at Miller’s point.  Jess meets a guy at the party and five minutes later she drags him to Miller’s point- and she calls people a slut? She sees Enid all sloshed and immediately runs back to the party to gossip about it. When she gets back everyone calls her a fucking idiot for not helping Enid. Hah hah. Also, why in the holy hell are these kids so uptight about alcohol and drugs? It’s one of the most unbelievable aspects of the books.

Enid and Brian go for a joyride and then drive off and Brian flips the car. Luckily, Enid’s father gets there just in time to save them from the exploding car! Plus, he’s cured! He’s going to rehab! Everything is perfect! It’s the miracle of Christmas!

So Jeffrey is suddenly over Liz, he and Liz have a hearty chuckly over their painful breakup, and he realizes that he maybe does like Enid, but Enid actually grows bigger ovaries and decides she doesn’t just want to be Jeffrey’s alternative to Liz. So it ends with their relationship up in the air. Hundred bucks says their realtionship is never mentioned again.

Enid really needs to get a new idenity other than Liz’s best friend. Actually, Enid with a substance abuse problem is waaaayyyy more interesting than Enid the sycophant.

Dear Diary: I’m boring

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Sorry all, I gave this a try and I had to stop. It was too horrid. It’s like DVD extras; sometimes you watch the deleted scenes of a movie and you think, wow, there was a reason those scenes were deleted. Do we really need to rehash some of the Saint Elzabeth moments? his is Elizabeth’s secret diary volume three, which means it takes place over bookslike 60-80 or something.

You’d think that hearing about Elizabeth in first person point of view would give more insight into her character but it gives us the insight that she is as boring and condescending as we thought she was. She also constantly refers to Diary by name, like “Diary, you wouldn’t believe what happened today!” Gross.

The infurating thing is that Elizabeth meets Sam first and they have a fling. It’s love at first sight of course, so I am sure he is just as happy with Jessica. This, of course, does not fit in any other plot line, because Liz never again mentions any other times her romantic feelings for Sam, not even when she, um, I don’t know, drives drunk and kills him.

What is that house in the background? is that guy supposed to be Sam? Liz looks like Lauren Conrad. Please shoot me for knowing who Lauren Conrad is.

I seem to have a touch of the multiple sclerosis, or Super Edition: Special Christmas

Reeeeediculuuuuuusssss! But, this one reminded me of why I love SVH. As in, truly enjoy it for its own sake. The drama! The intrigue! The scheming!

First of all, I want you to know it took me a lot to do a “Christmas” book. I don’t celebrate it, detest the commercialization of it (I suggest you watch this movie) and am tiring of it being shoved down my throat every year. My current job is the first job I’ve had that has not forced me to take vacation days during the break. Anyway, this is not about me. On with the drahma.

It’s nearing winter vacation, and SVH classes are winding down. In fact, they cancel classes one day to have a Christmas party in the gym. Okay, maybe it is before schools realized the idea of inclusiveness (my elementary school classrooms always had Xmas trees) but canceling classes? They are also doing a secret Santa, and Jessica has her sights set on rubbing her loins on the new German exchange student, Hans. She is convinced that he has her as her SS. but actually he has Lila. Also, Lila and Jessica are competing for the title of Miss Christmastime, which a useless titles sponsored by the town. Probably the same town councilmember that proposes the Miss Teen Sweet Valley. Gross.

Oh, and the Xmas ball is being held at the Patmans. Is everyone invited? All 83 students?

The Wakefields set up their tree and Ned suggests blue and silver decorations. Maybe because he is secretly one of the chosen people? Do the twins even know they are a quarter Jewish? If they found out would the whole school be spreading rumors about it? Would Jessica be kicked off the squad?

Ok, onto the good stuff: the Wakefields find out that Suzanne Devlin is coming to visit again…her last visit was less than good for the frail egos of Sweet Valley. The Wakefield offspring are horrified and they pretend it is because Suzanne was so horrible last time. Really, Liz is mad because Suxanne made a fool of her, Jessica is pissed because someone will potentially out-sociopath her and take the attention away from her. Steven, I am not sure why he is mad. Maybe because Suzanne being around will cause him to spend more time at college, where I’d imagine his parents are paying through the roof for his housing which he is never at.

The Wakefield bunch scheme and scheme…Liz tries calling Suzy to convince her not to come. Jessica plans on…shortsheeting her bed. Steven just sits there and offers no helpful suggestions. Pretty much like always.

Meanwhile Todd is planning a visit home. He will be staying with Ken and the genetically-engineered Matthews family. Firstly, Liz doesn’t blonk an eye at this…considering SHE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH KEN RIGHT AFTER TODD MOVED. Oh, that’s right, they stuck that in after the fact. Liz is nervous about being alone with Todd.

Meanwhile, we get a lil bit from Todd’s perspective, including a flashback to when he was skiing in Killington, Vermont when he ran into Suzy. And one thing led to another and…they took a WALK TOGETHER! I know, totally scandalous. What a whore.

So we also get a brief POV from Alice when she picks up Suzy from the airport. I actually hate when the writers write from the adults’ perspectve. It’s insulting or something. Alice has decided to hide the fact that Suzanne has multiple sclerosis from the twins because Suzanne has asked her to. Of course, the parents in this worls are always at the mercy of the sixteen year olds that tell them what to do. Alice notices that Suzanne looks pale and weak, and that made her look “lovlier than the last time she saw her.” Note to teenage girls: get a serious illness.

Finally, Jessica cooks up a scheme with Aaron Dallas, whom Suzy screwed over last time. Jess makes Aaron invite Suz to a pre-party as his cousin’s house and tells her to meet him there. When, in fact, he will give her the address of a run-down warehouse or something. What? That is the worst they could come up with? Oh yea, this is coming from the twins who once in middle school decided to get back at someone by making them a faulty chair.

So the twins and Suzanne share some champagne before they head out [WAIT, THE TWINS ACTUALLY ARE DRINKING? And they do it like it is no biggie. I am actually kind of proud of them for acting like real teenagers.] Suzanne also takes her new meds and wonders briefly about the interactions. She calls her doctor in NYC to ask him but just leaves a message. Suz heads out in the Fiat and of course passes out while driving and the car flips over or something. She ends up in the hospital and the “look on Todd’s face” was all she needed to know about how he felt about Suzanne, and she is okay with that.

Also, Suzanne’s doctor from New York flies in to see Suzanne. Um, inappropriate much? He also comes to deliver the news that…oh my god, this is the worst plot twist…that she has mono, not MS. Can someone revoke his license immediately? “We’ve been racking our brains all day, and we finally figured out what happened. You see, you had an udetected virus and several months later began to experience a very rare complication from it.” I don’t have a medical degree, but isn’t there a very simple blood test to see if someone has mono? I only know because everytime my nose starts running I am convinced I have mono and demand that my doctor do the test.

So Todd and Suzanne have Liz’s blessing…yea right, like she’s give Todd up that easily.

Oh, and Winston is really Jessica’s secret santa. Yawn. Jessica switches Lila’s Miss Christmastime dress with an elf costume and hilarity ensues. Double yawn.

So many tidbits!

  • Dues for Pi Beta Alpha are seventeen dollars a semester, and Liz complains its too much. YOu know what Liz, then QUIT!
  • Olivia’s secret santa arranged for the swim team to come serenade her in the Dairi Burger wearing only speedos! Hotttt!
  • The Droids were performing at the Beach Disco, and they wrote a song for Todd’s homecoming for him and Liz called “I’ll Wait for You.” Why are the Wakefields in the center of the fucking universe?
  • Aaron Dallas: “Jessica, you should really go into politics. You’re really good at getting people on your side you know that?” Jessica: “What a wonderful way to put it.” Don’t encourage her!
  • When their parents tell the twins about Suzanne’s MS and how she could possibly end up in a wheelchair: “A wheelchair!” Elizabeth exclaimed. As hard as she tried , she couldn’t imagine pretty, vivacious, independent Suzanne trapped in a wheelchair. I know! It is such a tragedy when an attractive person has a disability!

My grade: A++++

p.s. I totally scored at a used book store and got one of the BSC Claifornia Diaries, a Friends Forever book, and other good stuff. Stay tuned.

It’s a ho-down, literally, or Super Edition: Spring Fever

Jessica seriously needs a bra.

I kind of like the ones where they travel. And by like I mean are horrified by the way they make every place they travel into a horrid, cliched version of the actual place. This time: the twins tackle the midwest!

It’s Spring Break AGAIN and the gals are off to spend a week with their great aunt and great uncle, The Walkers in Walkersville, Kansas. Their relatives own the fucking place and run everything in it. Their great-uncle is the mayor. It’s basically like the town in Pleasantville, and Jessica is the one that brings color to the people. Or something.

Also, many of the cliches are for southern towns, not midwest, so I think they may have even screwed up in their offensiveness. There’s barns a plenty and five and tens, and a soda shop. Apparently anywhere outside of Southern California also is in a time warp. The gals just think it is adorable, and oooohhh and ahhhh throught their Southern Califorinian entitlement. I this were real life they’d be complaining that there is no In ‘n Out Burgers. Whatevs. The Walkers (their great aunt and uncle, no relation to Cara) are pretty old fashioned and want the girls to act like proper ladies. You and me and everyone else do too. Seriously. Jessica is all pissed at the oppression. They go the carnival and Jess rubs herself over one of the carnies who runs a corral. She sneaks out at night to see him as he teaches her to ride his horse. Of course, after one date, Jess is using the l-word. Seriously, this falling in love business is annoying. The guy, Alex, has a twin brother Brad, who may be perfect for Liz. If you can’t predict how this will turn out, you’re a moron.

Meanwhile, the gals of the town totally hate the twins. Mostly because the Walkers have talked them up so much as sophiticated Californians and the gals feel threatened. Annie Sue Sawyer (what a hick name, ghostwriters) especially hates them. Meanwhile, other gals in town start copying Jessica’s cutting-edge, California fashion sense. Even the chubby girls in town. How dare they! What is Jessica’s cutting-edge fashion? A headband. With rhinestones. Seriously.

The twins works for an afternoon at the soda shop. They milk cows on a farm. Blah blah blah. Jessica is a total brat for disprespecting the Walkers and sneaking out each night. They are so UNREASONABLE to expect her to be in by nine every night. Of course, Liz bends over and takes it and covers for her. Sigh.

Annie Sue sees Jessica with Alex, and blackmails her so she won’t tell the relatives about her hanging out with a “carnie”. She blackmails her by making Jess give her her hideous accessories. In a storyline totally ripped off from Little House on the Prairie, Annie Sue’s Dad buys her the horse that Alex has been training and Jessica has bonded with. Annie Sue insists on riding her and the horse gets out of control, but Jess saves the day by fucking getting on another horse and rescuing Annie Sue from the crazy horse. From then on Annie Sue totally forgives Jessica and admits she hated her because she was jealius. They make up and are bffs. Annie Sue has a party for the twins at her house and there is a big toast to Jessica and she is the hero. The Walkers totally forgive her for sneaking out and acting like a brat the whole week because she saved the day. Note to everyone: STOP VALIDATING JESSICA’S BULLSHIT!

So there is a big town squaredance and the twins want to double-date with Alex and Brad. Their grandparents don’t want them going with boys they don’t know. Jessica declares that this is the worst. thing. that’s. ever. happened. Elizabeth agrees. I know this is early in the series, so they don’t have the gang wars, werewolfs, vampires and killing each others boyfriends while driving while intoxicated. However, Elizabeth discovers theor boyfs secrets! He’s really one person! FUCKING SURPRISE! Did they not realize it the second they also realized they never saw the two together! Alex declares he feels like two people and wanted to get to know both of them. Liz doesn’t tell Jessica so she can remain happy. They all squaredance off into the sunset.

Other stuff:

When they arrive in Walkersville, Liz muses, “this is what I imagined when I read about the pioneers moving West.” Seriously, get a grip. It’s not like they use outhouses and covered wagons. There is life outside Southern California.

Jessica, of course, packs like 10 suitcases, including her new favorite outfit: a jumpsuit with rhinestones all over it. Sweet!

When Liz is hanging out with “Brad”, he tells her he’s never seen the ocean before, but looking into her aqua-blue eyes is like seeing the ocean for the first time. BARF!

I love (aka hate) how when they travel, they use every cliche about the place they travel. What’s next? A trip to Alaska where Liz rescues some abandoned huskies, and three days later wins a dogsled competions, and Jessica falls in love with an “eskimo” and convinces them to decorate their igloos pink?

Grade: B

The one where we learn that Ms. Dalton has a double identity, or Super Special: Perfect Summer

Perfect summer indeed! Wow, these kids must be left back a lot. Because this is about their eighth summer after their junior year in high school. So they are going on a bike trip up the coast of California, and camping out and staying out in hostels along the way. Actually, that does seem pretty cool. We get all Saved By the Bell style, and out of the twelve students who are on the trip, most of them our the Scooby gang: Jessica, Elizabeth, Lila, Bruce, Charlie something, Annie Whitman (former slut), Todd, Olivia Davidson, Roger Patman, and Chome Dome’s nephew, Barry from Ohio….uh, I don’t even know who the others are. They don’t even mention them. You’d think they could throw in a couple more names. I am surprised they don’t throw in Ken Matthews, he’s always a good placeholder. And guess who is chaperoning…none other than our favorite inappropriate teacher, Roger Collins. Oh, and Ms. Dalton. But it’s awkward between them! More on that later. Enid has to stay home for the summer and work at Casey’s. Hahahaha, fuck the poor kids.

Ok, first things first. Why would Bruce and Lila go on the trip? Wouldn’t they be going to Europe or something? Do they really want to rough it?

Second things second. I have phantom camel toe looking at Jessica’s shorts. Are those comfy for bike riding? Also, is Liz wearing a onesy?

Actually, this totally felt like a Baby-Sitters Club book because most of the chapters started with a letter the twins wrote to Cara and Enid. Elizabeth’s letters are annoying and she analyzes everyone on the trip and thinks she knows all and also assumes that Enid gives a shit. There are so many stories intersecting, I hope you’ll be able to follow. Their first stop is to some movie star producer that is a family friend of the Patmans. But get this….they set up tents and stay outside on the lawn. The fuck? They don’t have a guest house or something? The guys daugher, Courtney Thomas is a total beotch to everyone and is always sneaking off with her boyf, Nolan Ruggers. He has tats! And drives a motorcycle! And is bad news bears. To get his daughter away from him, the prducer guy makes Courtney go on the trip with them. How is that logistically possible? She doesn’t go to svh, so is she allowed? Are their liability issues? Also, Jessica is so judegmental about Nolan. Didn’t she whore it up with Rick Andover not so long ago? And stay out all night with a college guy? And dry hump Bruce Patman? I could go on and on…

Meanwhile at one of the hostels, Lila meets some boys who tell her Ms. Dalton is a former teacher of theirs from Arizona, who was called Beth Curtis. Lila uses this to blackmail Ms. Dalton into doing her chores and picking up her shit. She has it out for her because Ms. Dalton is dating her father. My god, Lila has massive daddy issues.

Barry Cooper, Chrome Dome’s son is overweight…so you know what that means….he’s a disgusting, lazy, idiotic awkward person desperate for approval. And the kids make fun of him the whole time. And he has a crush on Jessica. Because she’s sooooo beautiful. She’s a perfect size six, you know. Because they never mention it.

Courtney does a 180 and acts totally nice and everyone loves her, except Elizabeth, mostly because Todd is friendly with her. Courtney’s plan is to steal Todd away from Liz and bring him home with her to give her Dad the illusion that she’s reformed so she can keep sneaking off with Nolan Ruggers. I don’t know how that will work exactly. She concocts this story that her dad is an alcoloholic and she’s had a terrible childhood, blah blah. Elizabeth doesn’t buy it and Todd basically calls her a heartless bitch. It’s kind of one of the best fights they’ve ever had, and that’s saying a lot because they fight every five seconds. They actual break up and Liz mopes around. Todd is such a gullible prick. Finally he agrees to go home with Courtney for the rest of the summer.

Meanwhile, Jessica meets an older guy, Robbie October, at one of the hostels and is in love with him. He is totally not interested, and Jessica keeps trying. I loved seeing Jessica rejected and embarassed. Bruce cock blocks her a couple of times, and it’s awesome. Finally they meet up at a campsite and Jessica plans to sneak out of her tent at midnight to go into the woods with him. And we are supposed to believe that she has no intention of giving it up. Pshahhhh.

They get caught in a cave with a bear and her cubs and are on the brink of death. The crew starts a search party and Courtney says she wants to stop because she doesn’t feel well. Todd takes her back to the campsite, obviously not caring that Jessica could be dead. Frankly, I don’t blame him. Finally….duhn duhn duhn…Barry saves the day! Now everyone accepts him and is nice to him and he feels like a winner. Bar, these people were mean to you not so long ago. Fuck ’em! They are not your friends! But asw Francine has taught us, the best revenge is to be accepted by your tormentors.

Ms. Dalton comes clean and explains that she was married to a schizophrenic man who killed himself after she left him and his family blames her for his death, and were stalking her, so she had to create a new identity. Um, WHAT? That is heavy shit. This is a teen novel, people.

Other stuff:

Once in a while, there is maaayyyybe a funny line that is actually funny. When they were visiting the estate of a historical figure, Bruce and Lila were competing over who seemed the most unimpressed. Heeee!

Oh also, Charlie, who is Bruce’s friend, starts up with Annie Whitman, but Bruce keeps telling him about Annie’s slutty past (double standards much?) but love prevails. They also mention every line that Annie is “thin”, “slender” or some derivative. We get it. THIN IS IN! OK! STOP SHOVING IT DOWN OUR THROATS!

Every place they visit, they hang with some locals and tell them how awesome Sweet Valley is. Uh, really? A waspy town with one bar and judgemental residents?

Apparently Todd’s eyes crinkle when he smiles. Swoon!

They make a stop in Anaheim and Disneyland, and this ghostwriter actually stops to explain what Disneyland is. Wtf.

Robbie October was kicked out of a hostel for throwing a beer bottle out the window! The horror!

There’s a really cringe-worthy chapter that is written from Mr. Collin’s POV and then Ms. Dalton’s where they make up. He saves her from a jellyfish. It’s just bad, having these writers trying to take an adult perspective.

Todd and Liz make up, Jessica lives, Roger and Nora get back together, Courtney is exposed as a fake. Whatever, just another day in Sweet Valley world.

My grade: B

Next up: #27 Lovestruck, and then Francine’s attempt at diversity, #50 Out of Reach. I’m doing that one for you, Onnie.

The one where they think they’re in a baby sitters’ club book, or Super Edition: Malibu Summer

I don’t know what makes this a super edition. Maybe because it’s about 20 pages longer than the usual book? In case we forgot that Elizabeth is the Madonna and Jessica is the whore, Liz gets to wear a hideously conservative suit and Jess gets the bikini.

So, it’s summer vacation and I am pretty sure the next book after this they are back in their junior year. Whatevs. That won’t keep me up at night. Jessica wants to work in Malibu as mother’s helpers, so she convinces (i.e. manipluates) Liz into giving up her job at the Sweet Valley news to do it with her. She even makes Liz interview for her as well. That’s ethical. Jessica takes a job at a small house with a baby because the family are cousins of Tony Sargent, a famous singer. This is someone that was just mentioned here, and I am pretty sure will never be mentioned again after this book. Liz gets a job in a large rich house for a girl that is unloved and neglected. Weird, because I just caught Uptown Girls yesterday. Of course, Liz, at sixteen, teaches them how to raise their child and how to treat each other. Blech.

This one was so bad and tedious I can barely tell you the rest. If I wanted a book about mother’s helpers, I would read Sunet Island. For reals. So….Tony Sargent, the singer, needs to hide out because apparently he banged a groupie and now her boyfriend wants to kill him. So he hides out at his cousin’s house and poses as a Yale senior. Elizabeth meets him when she is over covering for Jessica and they fall in love. Because he likes books. But he is 21! and too old! Her parents won’t approve, so she is struggling. Yelllooooo, you’re in Malibu without them, stop being such a LOOOOOOSSSSER, Liz. Seriously, this is so unrealistic. I think they are trying to create a good role model character, but Jesus H Christ I want to fucking punch Elizabeth. Ok, so there is some sort of big rainstorm and the little neglected girl runs away and Liz runs away with the singer. Jessica saves the little girl from being swept away by the storm and the stalker finds Elizabeth and the guy and attempts to kill him. Ho-hum.

All is well, but Elizabeth is mad when she finds her lovah is really Tony Sargent undercover. She is mad? Pleez. Also, they can never really have a relationship because he is such a big celeb. So she has to give him up. um, WHAT? This put me over the edge. Yea, it couldn’t work, but if you had the chance to DATE a celeb, you TAKE IT! I am nearing thirty and if I made out with a celeb, even B-List, I’d do it! Liz is such a fucking grandma!!!!!!! I am acting as if I am surprised that SVH is unrealistic.

Other thoughts:

Elizabeth talks shit about Lila yet hangs out with her all summer. Just sayin’.

Because Jessica and Lila are sooooooo pretty, they pick up guys wherever they go. Lila picks up a guy at the mall (so unlike her). Turns out he is a younger guy and he hides that fact from her (geeeee, we’ve never seen THAT plot device before.

My grade: C-