Ned: Oh hi Alice.
Alice: Oh…hey Ned.
Ned: Wow, you look really sexy.
Alice: I guess. My mother has breast cancer. And I just got a big interior decorating design job at the mall, so I won’t be around more.
Ned: Wow, that’s great Alice. Haha.
Alice: Did you get the big case at work?
Alice: You didn’t get it, did you?
Ned: No, it’s not fair. I have to work harder. But I bought you something.
Alice: Flowers again! I love you!
Ned: I love you to, Lisa. Let’s do it.
[The next day…]
Alice: Hey everyone, sorry I’m home late. I was spending lots of time on my important architecture project.
Steven: Hi everyone.
Ned: Oh hi Steven!
Steven: I’m home from college.
Ned: Oh that’s nice. Your mother and I are going upstairs.
Steven: Can I come?
Ned: Oh, Steven, you are so funny. Haha.
Alice: Steven, I told you not to!
Steven: I just like to watch you guys. You are like the perfect couple.
Alice: btw, the way, I have to work tomorrow also.
Ned: Alice, YOU ARE TEARING ME APART! You don’t care about this family at all!
Alice: I don’t want to talk about it!
Maria: Oh my god Liz, my father, the mayor, was framed as a briber. Now he will go on trial. He needs a lawyer.
Liz: My dad will probably do it.
Maria: Thanks Liz. Your dad is my dad’s favorite lawyer.
Ned: That’s me!
Liz: Dad, are you going to defend Mr. Santelli in his bribery trial?
Ned: Yes. No one hurts Peter. Those motherfaaaaakers.
Steven: Thanks for meeting me for coffee. So Dad, how’s your sex life?
Ned: Oh Steven, not so great. Maria Santelli’s father, the former mayor, asked me to defend him in his trial. I’m a very important lawyer, who can practice every type of law. Although, this will cause your mother and I to see each other even less.
Steven: Oh that’s too bad. Well, I have to get going.
Liz: Oh my gosh! Mom and Dad fighting is awful. It makes me not believe in love.
Enid: Oh hi Liz, I didn’t know that was you. You are my favorite friend.
Liz: Yes, that’s me. I am so glad we are going on vacation as a family. It will finally reunite my parents. No work will be involved. Although, I did give my mom’s secretary the number at the cabin just in case they need her.
Ned: Oh wow, we are taking a vacation and you invited the whole family. What a good idea.
Alice: Yes, but I just have a little work to do.
Steven: Mom, you promised!
Liz: Mom, the front desk says you have a call from your secretary.
Ned: That’s it! Everyone deceived me! I hate everyone! Goodbye world!
Liz: I can’t believe Mom’s secretary called us on vacation and Dad got so mad he said they were getting separated!
Jess: Oh Liz, stop being judgmental. I can do what I want. In fact, since Mom and Dad are barely paying attention to us anymore, and I wanted to something that will impress Lila, I’ve been calling a party chat line, and I’ve met someone!
Liz: Wow, that’s great Jessica. What’s he like?
Jess: Well, we haven’t actually met yet….
[flashback to the teen line]**
Charlie: How’re you doing gorgeous? I’ve been thinking about you all day long….I’ve been building a mental picture of you today. I’ve decided- just from your voice- that you’re blond. Am I right?
Jess: [giggling] You’re right.
Charlie: I could tell. You have the blondest voice I’ver ever heard.
Jessica: [thinking] Imagine how thrilled Charlie was going to be when he discovered how blond she really was! I can’t wait until we actually meet. It will be perfect.
**This scene contains the actual dialogue from the book.
For those not familiar with with the masterpiece that is The Room, check out info here and here. Even if you don’t, there is nothing in this book that is important, except that Ned and Alice break up after squabbling. Ned is allowed to work at all hours, but once Alice starts putting more time into her career, she is neglecting her family. Good old fashioned family values. We know that Liz makes it all about her by running away and Jessica doesn’t give a shit about Charlie after she meets him, and prefers his hot but stupid impostor and then the twins get their parents back together whilst exposing a political scandal.