The winter of my discontent

Exciting news! Our super sleuths have uncovered a relic of the SVH series, the Automatic Super Edition Plot Generator ™, which the ghostwriters used to save time. Some would say it is the precursor to the Family Guy Joke Generator (as seen here). Ghost writers just had to pick these categories out of a hat and throw in some stuff about lavelieres and the beach, and bam! Another super edition.

Time of Year:
summer
Christmastime
a break from school
an unspecified time that will never be mentioned again

Jessica is: (you may choose more than one)
in love with a new boy
out to make herself a celebrity
having a pity party
hatching a plan to ruin the life of an overweight/ugly girl
fucking Liz over

Elizabeth is: (choose six)
bending over taking it from Jessica
enabling Jessica’s behavior
cheating on Todd
cheating on Jeffrey
fighting with Todd
fighting with Jeffrey
fighting with Jessica
solving a crime
talking about writing

The big event where everything comes to a head is:
A dance
a party at Lila’s
a trip to a foreign country
a vacation
a battle of wills against a crazy psycho

Photobucket

Seriously though, this one was kind of a rip off. We didn’t get to the actual fucking carnival until the last few pages, and it seemed like it took bits and pieces from every other plot.

Firstly, the time continuum thing here was so wacked. So, it’s wintertime again, and Liz is with Jeffrey and Todd is going to be in town. However, not the same winter where Todd and Suzanne get together, or where Enid gets with Jeffrey because Liz already dumped him for Todd. I’m not even going to try to wrap my head around that.

There’s a big winter carnival up at a ski lodge for Sweet Valley high students and alum. Of course Steven will be there, because why the hell would be be at class? The way they word it is that Steven is “taking time off from college” to attend. Like he actually contacted his professors and asked to be excused because he wanted to romp in the snow with his high school friends, instead of just leaving for the weekend. That is something Steven would do, and in the SV world, it would be perfectly acceptable.

Liz is with Jeffrey and Todd is coming in for a visit, and he wants Liz to go to an awards banquet with him to honor him for being a Big Brother is a child or something. Because Todd’s a saint. Jeffrey gets mad and Liz has no idea why, when, oh SHE GETS FUCKING JEALOUS EVERYTIME HER BOYFRIEND IS WITHIN 5 FEET OF ANOTHER WOMAN. There’s also this bullshit where she keeps mentioning that Jeffrey really doesn’t understand how relationships work because this is his first relationship. Excuse me, WHAT? Because Liz is an expert? Bish plz.

Oh and Jessica keeps fucking her over, what else is new. Liz and Enid were going to be on a trivia show but Jess and Amy stole their answers and went on the show instead. (And Jessica tried to get on the opposing team captain to convince him to let them win. Prostitute much?). Oh, and Jess forgot to give Liz several phone calls which causes her to look like a fool. For once, Liz actually gets pissed. Finally, Jess is tired of watching Liz and Jeffrey fight (welcome to the club) and up at the lodge pretends to be Liz so she can have them make up. Liz sees them and thinks that Jess and Jeffrey are doing it (although according to one of the stupud Secret Diaries, Jeffrey and Jess did get up on each other). Liz proclaimes “I wish I never had a sister.” Dun dun dun. This is the equivalent to “I wish the goblins would take you away…right now.” Anyone? Anyone?

So Liz becomes a huge attention whore and runs away to the bus stop and goes home. Jess calls her and demands whats wrong but Liz won’t tell her. Jessica then drives home from the lodge but on the way home gets into an accident and is killed.

OR IS SHE?

We can only hope, right? I wonder if people reading this one for the first time thought it really happened. Turns out Jess is alive and Liz forgives her for everything because she was so upset aout her dream. Therefore, Jessica is once again enabled and doesn’t have to truly apologize for the crap she did to Liz.

All is well and they have a jolly time at the carnival, throwing snowballs and luging and crap. Jeffrey and Todd share a homoerotic moment. Maybe I am just overananalyzing it.

Shit, I was bored just writing the recap. This one totally fails.

At the carnival, Liz is sharing a room with Enid, Olivia and Regina. Most boring room ever.

Everyone thinks Winston is a kook because he wants to name the dance “The Snow Ball”. I think it should be called “The Blue Ball.”

Also, the cover picture never happened in the book. I wish they would fall down that mountain on their size six asses.

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