Loser Hippies need love too

Guess what, SVH administrators have found a way for students to spend even less time in classes; each period is shortened by 5 minutes so they can have a special two-week workshops. The big thing on everyone’s mind is which class should they take? Lila’s doing dressmaking, and Elizabeth is taking painting, so Enid bribed the principal to also put her in painting. And Olivia decides to take painting because she appreciates art but never really took the time to create it. WHAT? This is blowing my mind! Isn’t Olivia’s whole identity based on her being artsy fartsy and folksy? Really? I’m not going to let this bother me, because barely through Chapter One and Olivia is whining to Liz that she really wishes she had a boyfriend and how her life would be better if she had someone.

Liz takes this opportunity to pity Olivia while simultaneously being smug about how awesome it is that she has a boyfriend like Jeffrey. Liz iof course is preoccupied with Olivia’s need for a boyfriend, and talks about it with whomever would listen. Because she’s such a good friend and cares about her well-being. Excuse me, I meant HAS TO PITY THOSE THAT ARE NOT HER.

Enter Stuart Bachman, the art teacher for the workshop. He’s a local artist. Hold up here- is Sweet Valley REALLY where he wants to live? If he’s such an up and coming artist, why doesn’t he move to LA? He probably is hypnotized by the perfect beaches and the existence of one mall and the five restaurants, and two nightclubs in Sweet Valley. Olivia goes bananas over Stuart. Batshit insane. Really. She drools when she looks at him, always offers to clean up and set up, and constantly asks him to critique her work. She also manages to snag his address from the alumni origination from where he went to school (well done for a pre-google world) and stops by his house. Yikes! He is really patient with her and even lets her hang around in his house for a bit. He asks her to come to his gallery opening on Friday and says he has a big surprise for her. It’s also Olivia’s birthday on Friday, so she is stoked, and thinks his surprise is either (a) his dick (b) a date to the Box Tree Cafe (c) his declaration of his love for her and (d) all of the above.

Elizabeth is…wait for it….concerned about Olivia. She thinks Olivia is acting way crazy, and that she should know that Stuart is out of her league…woops, she means too old for Olivia. At first Enid doesn’t believe Liz and thinks she’s overreacting. Then Liz pulls Enid into her plan to spy on them, and Enid sees what a douche Olivia is being, and swears she’ll never doubt Liz again. And then goes home and shoves bamboo strips under her fingernails.

Stuart Bachman

Olivia goes to the gallery opening all a-flutter. She even bought a new purple silk jumpsuit for the occasion (Cameltoe city). She sees Stuart with his fiance, and freaks out and runs out of the room. There she sees that Stuart included one of her paintings in the gallery, which was his surprise. Luckily Olivia bucks up, and realizes what a shithead she’s been. In a split second, she gets over her lust for Stuart and thanks him for including her. He tells her she has “promise” as an artist. Except until she gets crushed by a fridge. Oops, did I spoil that for you? Too bad.

Let’s go back to this workshop thing for a quick sec, mmkay? Jessica gets STUCK in an electronics workshop. Mind you, she put that as her second choice, because she assumed it would be mostly boys. Well, it is, but it’s nerds like Winston (natch) and computer geek Randy Mason. Oh the horror! Jessica is trying hard not to cry. Poor Jessica. This may actually be worse than the time she was almost killed several times and all her boyfriends were murdered. However, the thing that is most horrid about this whole thing is that it is an ELECTRONICS workshop. What does that even MEAN? Each student has to work on their own project. Jeffrey is designing a computer game, Winston is building a singing toaster, and Randy is making a spaceship or something. How are those even related? Are these students just supposed to know how to do this? With no prior experience? Or even a concept of how circuits work” Christ, this irks me. One of my per peeves (are you keeping count?) is when in movies are shows, technology, computers and electronics are oversimplified. The first Mission Impossible movie is the worst offender. The Ving Rhames character is at a computer to help Tom Cruise, break into the supercomputer, and he types in “overide security system” and presses “ENTER”. THE FUCK? Did he design that program? How did he format it to make sure it worked? That drives me crazy!

Little known fact: the character of Don Draper is based on George Fowler.

Jessica has no idea what to make because electronics are for nerds and she’s just a GIRL. Meanwhile, Lila is flapping at the mouth about how her father is currently dating a famous movie star. Jessica doesn’t believe her and thinks Lila is doing it for attention. Wow, George Fowler gets around. I’ll bet he met her at a party celebrating a new microchip he just invented. So, with about three days left of the workshop, Jess decides to build a lie detector. Because it’s just that easy! Well, our Jess has a plan. She’ll flirt with Randy Mason and convince him to do it for her. Did I just eat a brain tumor for breakfast, or was this a plot line from another book? Where she convinces Randy to do her schoolwork for her? Oh, Randy.