Trouble at Home, as acted by the cast of Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room”

Picture provided by L.L.Bean's special emo edition


Ned: Oh hi Alice.


Alice: Oh…hey Ned.


Ned: Wow, you look really sexy.


Alice: I guess. My mother has breast cancer. And I just got a big interior decorating design job at the mall, so I won’t be around more.


Ned: Wow, that’s great Alice. Haha.


Alice: Did you get the big case at work?


Ned: No.


Alice: You didn’t get it, did you?


Ned: No, it’s not fair. I have to work harder. But I bought you something.


Alice: Flowers again! I love you!


Ned: I love you to, Lisa. Let’s do it.

—–

[The next day…]


Alice: Hey everyone, sorry I’m home late. I was spending lots of time on my important architecture project.


Steven: Hi everyone.


Ned: Oh hi Steven!


Steven: I’m home from college.


Ned: Oh that’s nice. Your mother and I are going upstairs.


Steven: Can I come?


Ned: Oh, Steven, you are so funny. Haha.


Alice: Steven, I told you not to!


Steven: I just like to watch you guys. You are like the perfect couple.


Alice: btw, the way, I have to work tomorrow also.


Ned: Alice, YOU ARE TEARING ME APART! You don’t care about this family at all!


Alice:  I don’t want to talk about it!

—-


Maria: Oh my god Liz, my father, the mayor, was framed as a briber. Now he will go on trial. He needs a lawyer.


Liz: My dad will probably do it.


Maria: Thanks Liz. Your dad is my dad’s favorite lawyer.


Ned: That’s me!


Liz: Dad, are you going to defend Mr. Santelli in his bribery trial?


Ned: Yes. No one hurts Peter. Those motherfaaaaakers.


Steven: Thanks for meeting me for coffee. So Dad, how’s your sex life?


Ned: Oh Steven, not so great. Maria Santelli’s father, the former mayor, asked me to defend him in his trial. I’m a very important lawyer, who can practice every type of law. Although, this will cause your mother and I to see each other even less.


Steven: Oh that’s too bad. Well, I have to get going.

—-


Liz: Oh my gosh! Mom and Dad fighting is awful. It makes me not believe in love.


Enid: Oh hi Liz, I didn’t know that was you. You are my favorite friend.


Liz: Yes, that’s me. I am so glad we are going on vacation as a family. It will finally reunite my parents. No work will be involved. Although, I did give my mom’s secretary the number at the cabin just in case they need her.


Ned: Oh wow, we are taking a vacation and you invited the whole family. What a good idea.


Alice: Yes, but I just have a little work to do.


Steven: Mom, you promised!


Liz: Mom, the front desk says you have a call from your secretary.


Ned: That’s it! Everyone deceived me! I hate everyone! Goodbye world!


Liz: I can’t believe Mom’s secretary called us on vacation and Dad got so mad he said they were getting separated!


Jess: Oh Liz, stop being judgmental. I can do what I want. In fact, since Mom and Dad are barely paying attention to us anymore, and I wanted to something that will impress Lila, I’ve been calling a party chat line, and I’ve met someone!


Liz: Wow, that’s great Jessica. What’s he like?


Jess: Well, we haven’t actually met yet….

[flashback to the teen line]**


Charlie: How’re you doing gorgeous? I’ve been thinking about you all day long….I’ve been building a mental picture of you today. I’ve decided- just from your voice- that you’re blond. Am I right?


Jess: [giggling] You’re right.


Charlie: I could tell. You have the blondest voice I’ver ever heard.


Jessica: [thinking] Imagine how thrilled Charlie was going to be when he discovered how blond she really was! I can’t wait until we actually meet. It will be perfect.

**This scene contains the actual dialogue from the book.

—–

For those not familiar with with the masterpiece that is The Room, check out info  here and here.  Even if you don’t, there is nothing in this book that is important, except that Ned and Alice break up after squabbling. Ned is allowed to work at all hours, but once Alice starts putting more time into her career, she is neglecting her family. Good old fashioned family values. We know that Liz makes it all about her by running away and Jessica doesn’t give a shit about Charlie after she meets him, and prefers his hot but stupid impostor and then the twins get their parents back together whilst exposing a political scandal.

I guess this makes Jessica “Deepthroat”

Cover Courtesy of The Closet

Ned Wake field is running for mayor of Sweet Valley! Here’s his campaign platform:

Qualifications: he’s handsome, dark and broad-shouldered. He’s a successful lawyer who practices all kinds of law: criminal, family, litigation, corporate, you name it!

He’s a family man- he’s so virile that he has identical twins! Oh, except for the fact that he is currently separated from his wife, Alice. Don’t let that get out to the press.

How does he stand on the issues?

ENVIRONMENT

We must protect the environment! Secca Lake must be kept to a standard! How else will the teens have a picnic! Miller’s Point must be registered in historical places so no mall will ever be built on them!

SAFETY

We really need to eamine our police department. We have the highest rate of murder, stalking, kidnapping, bombing per capita of any city on the world!

COMMERCE

We need to shut down all seedy bars, like Kelley’s. And open more joke shops whwere high school kids can get props for their comedy.

TOURSIM

We need to keep spreading the word that Sweet Valley is the best place to live in the world! We need more photo essays of this town! And for more teenagers to make documentaries about it!

Ok really folks, Ned is running for mayor but there  is no mention of his ideas, or even who he is running against. But anyway, who cares,right? it reminds me of when someone bought me the Barbie for president doll and her campaign platform was something like “kindness to animals, physical fitness, and world peace” or something like that.

Again, another misleading title and cover. It makes it seem as if the twins are hatching dueling schemes to get their parents back together. Really, it’s just Jessica being a selfish brat and seeing her parents’ separation as fullfilling her needs. In fact, she goes out of her way to try and set Alice up with men. One of them being Mr. Collins. He takes Alice out to dinner, probably to squint at her and pretend she’s Elizabeth. Elizabeth schemes to get her parents back together because…if they can’t be in love, THEN HOW CAN LOVE EXIST???

Oh yea, there’s a political scandal. If you were hoping for semen on a dress…come on this is Sweet Valley! You know better. Apparently some evil consultant, Mr. Knapp, framed Maria Santelli’s father, which is why he resigned as mayor. Now Mr. Knapp is helping Ned, and somehow tricking him into campaigning for a commercial development to be built on the beach. I don’t know, don’t ask. But, not their precious beach!!!! How will they still hold surf contests, have romantic strolls in the moonlight, and meet random men who turn out to be psychopaths??

But of course, Ned is clueless and the only ones that can help them are the Scooby gang. The twins and friends hideout in the campaign office and videotape Mr. Knapp or something. I’m being vague because I don’t really give a shit. Mr. Wakefield realizes that Peter Santelli was framed and should be reinstated as mayor.  Ned’s holier-than-thou behavior gets Alice all hot and bothered, and they get back together.

Oh, and Ned wants to better understand the plight of Sweet Valley’s homeless, so he wants to sleep out on the street for a night to understand. That’s right up there with blindfolding yourself so you know what it feels like to be blind.