‘Tis Pity She’s Not a Whore.

I don’t know why I subjected myself to more of this miniseries, it’s not like the previous one was so stellar.  This miniseries was also the point where the big changeover happened, where SVH tried to change into multi-book storylines. Kind of like when Beverly Hills, 90210 went from self-contained stories in single episodes (Brenda may have breast cancer! Brandon dates a teenage mom! Kelly almost gets raped on Halloween!) to a continuous melodrama. Yea, it didn’t work for that, either.

Nothing much has changed in this one. Elizabeth still feels guilty for killing Sam. Sam continues to be dead. Jessica still mourns over Sam and is mad at Elizabeth. Lila continues to not shut her trap about her mother Grace. Margo continues to murder small children, drowning them in lakes and killing old women in public restrooms. You know, the usual.

How does Jessica extract her revenge on Liz? By leaving the newspaper article about the arrest where Liz can see it. Oooo, burn. And putting the moves on Todd. You know, because he is just dumb enough to fall for it.

Lila finally meets her mother but is mad because she also has an annoying French boyfriend she pays attention to instead of Lila. This guy is such a French stereotype he wears a stripe shirt and beret while miming eating a baguette.

Also, Liz is arrested for the murder of Sam, and she spends the evening in jail. Uh, would they really put a minor in jail? Maybe, I don’t know. Also, while she is in the clink, Liz gets harassed by some badass hookers.  One of them was “wearing a lot of makeup, and was dressed in a short, tight, satin skirt, a skimpy halter top, and glittery silver stockings.” Isn’t that something Jessica would wear to the beach disco? They taunt her and call her rich girl, and tell her that her blond California looks drives the guys wild and could earn her a lot of money.  I am surprised at this point Liz doesn’t talk to these women and talk them out of a life of prostitution and into a life of crocheting or something. But Liz just shrinks back and is scared. Of course, because all sex workers are disgusting, immoral people who choose their line of work. Thanks, Sweet Valley for another lesson. Also, I am intrigued that Sweet Valley actually has sex workers. Where’s the demand? Probably when Ned is entertaining clients.

And does Sweet Valley have the WORST police force ever? Liz cannot remember anything about the night of the accident, and doesn’t know why she had alcohol in her system. Don’t the cops ever ask her IF SHE HAD ANYTHING TO DRINK at the dance and finding out the punch? Spiking punch at the dance is the oldest high school cliche in the book, right up there with spying on girls in the locker room. They couldn’t think of this? What the hell are they teaching them in the police academy?

There’s also some, ahem, comedy, in this one. I guess the ghosties wanted to offset the image of the bloated body of a dead child floating in the lake. Nicholas Morrow goes on the show Hunks and has to go on three dates with three girls and talk about it on the show. And it’s about as funny as Winston’s lunchtime comedy shows. It also reinforces that anyone outside of the mainstream, chino-wearing, cheerleader/football player archetype is beyond FREAKISH! The first woman he goes out with is kind of punk, has tattoos and takes him to a biker bar. Therefore, is a total freak who doesn’t deserve to live. Nicholas is all embarrassed by her and is harassed by the people at the bar who think he is a narc. I just think he is a tool. The other girl he goes out with giggles all the time and wears a sweatshirt and jeans on their date, The NERVE! She should be burned at the stake. The third girl is pretty and perfect looking, but Nicholas screws up the date by getting a flat tire and puking, but she doesn’t mind and kisses him on the show. She doesn’t seem to have any sort of personality. Just like the perfect Sweet Valley girl should.

Can I get an ahem for this being the worst cover ever? Todd and Jess have the longest legs ever, and Liz’s hair confuses me. And OMG! Is that the Wakefield’s splkit-level pefect house in the background??? Is this the first time we’ve seen it?

Yea, because that’s the most logical explanation.

[photo from The Closet]

Andrea Slade is the new girl, that’s who. Instead of Liz putting her hand on her shoulder, we have the other option, Jessica looking with such hatred that it may cause the person to try to kill themselves. However, love Andrea’s “bish plz” look.

So Andrea Slade is the new girl, and her appearance causes many an internal monologue.

  • Liz: Oooooo!!! A new girl! I must insert myself directly up my ass and help her! New girls are usually a pathetic mess, so it can be a project for me! Plus, I am getting bored of this Enid girl who keeps following me around.
  • Nicholas Morrow: Thank god there’s a new girl in the junior class! I’ve dated my way through all the high school girls, and I thought for a minute there I would have to date someone my age.
  • Andrea: Oh my god, thank god I moved to Sweet Valley from New York City. I mean, Sweet Valley is so damn perfect people who don’t live here must be jealous!
  • Jessica: Ugh, any new girl is bound to take any attention away from me. I’m going to completely ignore her. Besides, anyone Liz likes must be boring.

Conveniently, this is then first book we hear about Jame Peters, the hunky rock star that makes Lila, Amy and Jessica squirm in their panties. Conveniently, hmmm, Andrea is secretive about her father…and conveniently, Jamie Peters mentions that he’s going to move to a small town in Southern California.

If you are not a complete moron, you’ll figure out that Jamie is Andrea’s father. She wants to keep it a secret because people will treat her differently when they know her father is famous. I’ve learned this lesson from watching numerous episodes of Hannah Montana. Not only that, it must be weird and icky to hear people mention all the time that they find your father hot. However, from the way he is described, Jamie Peters appeared in my mind as the douchey singer of Puddle of Mudd.

After spying on Jamie Peters’ backyard, the bitch trifecta (Lila, Jessica, Amy) see Andrea hanging out at the house and jump to the conclusion that Andrea is Jamie’s underage girlfriend. Yea, because that makes the most sense? You’d think that being his gf would make Andrea more popular and the envy of the other girls, but in bizarro Sweet Valley World, this makes her someone worthy of being burned at the stake. Because she is judged for supposedly having sex.

So everyone finds out, and Andrea runs away to sit forlornly at the marina, and then who does Jamie call for help- ELIZABETH! Because he’s heard Andrea talk about her new friend Elizabeth a lot. Barf. Nicholas ans Liz find her, bring her back and they all hang out at Casa Peters and make nicey nice with Jamie.

is Andrea never mentioned again? She is another blond, pretty nice girl, who in my mind is played by the same actress as Heather Sanford. She really should tell people Jamie Peters is her father, because really there’s nothing else about her that screams interesting personality.

Also, a funny secondary storyline, and I mean for real ha ha funny, is that Lila decides she’s going to be a musician and is working with a hippy drippy music teacher who tries to find an instrument that speaks to her, which is the marimba. Lila gets all into it and forces Jessica and Amy into listening to her play all the time, and they give her shit for it. I know it doesn’t seem funny when I write it, but seriously, it’s nice to see some scathing humor make into these books.

And do we ever hear about Jamie Peters again? I am surprised he doesn’t write a song dedicated to Elizabeth and her kind heart. Maybe he can perform at a school dance and give the Droids the night off for once.

You never forget your first time.

I guess I never mentioned it before, but No Place to Hide was my first Sweet Valley High book, ever. I think I had been reading a couple of the twins books before I picked this one up at my local B. Dalton. And I remember totally choosing it for the cover.

Yes, that Microsoft Paint magnifying-glass thing totally hooked me. I guess I thought the twins were beyond gorgeous on the cover and my shallow self wanted to glance at the glossy cover and dream of the day that I, too, could grow up and be just as glamorous.

Hoever, I have NO idea why I continued reading, because this was beyond wretched. Maybe even worse than the other non-chlling super thriller. I think after this one I was at the library and saw All Night Long and decided to give it another chance. I cry wolf all the time, but really, this may be the worst one yet.The plotline of this is off the grid. ANd unecessarily complicated.

But, I suppose you want a summary, eh? Okay, I’ll try to muster up the patience to tell you this inane plot.

So it’s back during the summer, and the twins are back working at the newspaper, and Liz is with Jeffrey, and it’s supposedly right after Regina Morrow (shout out to my cat!) has just died. So you work with that timeline.

Oh, the big news? Sweet Valley’s mayoral campaign. Russell Kincaid v. some other old white guy. I can only imagine their campaign promises: “We promise to limit the sumber of ‘minorities’ in the town, make Wakefield day an offical holiday, and build an expansion on the valley mall.” What about the insanse crimes that happen in Sweet Valley?! The cults recruiting innocent kids? The gang warfare?

The twins invite Nicholas Morrow with them to their company picnic down in some podunk town and they take a walk and find this big old house and meet this gal, Barbara who Nicholas gets a big bone for. The big old house belongs to Babs; grandmother, and she is staying there with the housekeeper and her very strict uncle. Okay, so the uncle is kind of a dick and controls Barbara, but Nicholas and the twins kind of freak out and feel it’s a crime and Barbara is totally being abused and want to call Human Rights Watch on them or something. All the man does is give her a curfew and shit.

Nicholas sneaks to the house every night and he and Barbara hang out in the woods, NOT fooling around, NOT groping each other over their clothes, but hanging out with her dog Rory and talking about woe is Babs and her mean family. And talking about possible escape. Um, how about, what movies you like? Silly stuff? They’re teenagers for god’ sake. There are some close calls where they almost get caught and Nicholas keeps getting followed.

Then, of course, instead of calling the police and say, some ADULTS to help, the twins and Nicholas hatch a plan to help Barbara escape. Who do they think they are, the Baby-Sitters Club?

Fast forward about 70 more pages of close calls and Nicholas bemoaning Babs’ plight and we find out that Russell Kincaid, mayoral candidate is the brother to Babs’ Uncle John, and Uncle J wants to get back at Russell for something, so he lures Babs to the house for the summer because she is the spitting image to her grandmother Barbara, who Russell murdered way back in the day, and John wanted him to think he saw a ghost. Because it’s really appropriate to have you middle-aged brother lusting after an underage gal who reminds you of your dead lover. Nice one, ghost writers.

So Barbara of course will never show up in another book, so she breaks up with Nicholas when she moves to Switzerland. To the land of doctors that cure deafness.

Ugh, Terrible. Awful. Shit, the twins are still working at the Valley News? Couldn’t they get real interns from Sweet Valley University? Why am I questioning the logic?

Family Secrets: a play in no acts

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Ned: Well family, gather ’round! I have an announcement. Your cousin is coming to live with us. Her parents are divorced, so you know that means she is on the fast track to whoresville. Her mother is getting remarried too, that trollup.

Alice: Oh Ned, that’s horrible.

Ned: I know! That’s why I’m having Kelly come stay with us for a while. It’s up to us to show her what a perfect family looks like. It’s the Charles Ingalls thing to do.

Jessica: Omg! The three of us look alike. We should go to school dressed as triplets. That would be sooooo rad.

Liz and Kelly: ‘kay!

—-

[Everyone crowds around the twins and Kelly and oohs and ahhhs for a good twenty minutes.]

Chrome Dome: [over the loudspeaker] Attention students! Classes are canceled this morning so you can all meet the new Wakefield.

At the Dairi Burger

Kelly: My Daddy is so wonderful! He is gonna by my a horsie! My Daddy! Goo goo ga ga!

Nicholas: You’re hot. I am going to take you to the Country Club Costume dance.

Kelly: Da da?

Kirk Anderson: Hey hottie! Let’s go dry hump somewhere.

Kelly: Ga ga?

—-

Miller’s point

Kirk: Hey baby, how are you doin’

Kelly: Did I tell you my Daddy gave me a ribbon for my hair?

Kirk: Mmmmm hmmmmm

Kelly: Wait, stop! I only let my Daddy touch me there!

—-

Alice: Kelly, your Mom’s on the phone!

Kelly: No! I hate her! She’s getting remarried! I want to live with my Dad in Sweet Valley!

Elizabeth: Now Kelly, parents are an important part of our lives. You should forgive your mother. Parents are our future. It would behoove you to converse with your matriarchal partner.

Epilogue, spoken by Greek Chorus:

Well, folks, that is the legend of the girl who has Daddy issues. Cousin Kelly finally remembered an incident in which her father threw plates around the house and that is why her father left her, which she was suppressing and secretly hating her mother for. And that’s why she was attracted to asshole Kirk, because he reminder her of her violent father. And so goes the fable of Sweet Valley, do not attempt to sleep with men who are like your father.

Ok seriously? Kelly sucks. And has some serious problems and talks about her father all the time. And I think she is kind of developmentally challenged.

Her father also cheated on her mother and Liz is all “that’s the WORST thing anyobe can ever do”….Um, have you READ your own diary?

Also, the three girls dress as the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil for the biig costume party. And Kelly goes as “See No Evil”?! Get it? She can’s see the evil that is right in front of her? Omg! Do you SEE the symbolism? SOOOO DEEEEP!

Deceptions: A play in 3 acts

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ACT I

Scene 1: The Wakefield’s split-level, Spanish-tiled house. A party celebrating Liz’s return from her crazy orderly captor.

NICHOLAS MORROW: Liz, I’ve taken one look at you and your perfect California looks, you’re ill-cut feathered bangs, and I’ve fallen deeply and madly in love with you. I must have you at any cost.

ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD: Wow, that is not all inappropriate considering a creepy man just kidnapped me and said the same thing. But he fed me frozen pancakes.

NM: Oh, I’m very rich and good-looking.

EW: In that case…wait! I’m in love with Todd!

NM: Fuck Todd I want you.

EW: Well, you are feeding my ego, so yes, I’ll go out with you secretly.

Scene 2: Enid Rollins’ pathetic fucking non-Spanish tiled house.

ENID ROLLINS: (answering the phone): Hello?

EW: Enid, omg! What am I going to do? This is SUCH a disaster!

ER: Ok, I’ve cleared my schedule. I’ve canceled visiting my dying grandmother to talk to you.

EW: Oh my gaaaawd! Nicholas is like totally in love with me! And he’s so rich and good-looking! But I am supposed to be in love with my good-looking boyfriend Todd! Two guys are in love with me! Life is SO HARD!

ER: Wow, that IS a huge problem. I mean, forget that I have a drunk father, I once almost killed a kid, and I was born with frizzy brown hair, how can you stand to be you! [puts a gun to her head]

Act II- at The Cote D’Or, a posh restaurant an hour outside of Sweet Valley

Scene 1- back of the house

WAITER: If I have to make one more pat of butter look like rose petals I am going to quit.

BUSBOY: If I have to clean up after one more of these waspy couples, I am going to scream. Wtf is with this place? Cote d’Or means Gold Coast in French. We should be serving fried chicken skins in a basket.

WAITER: Oh jeez. I have to go check on table number 3, which is some rich daddy’s boy and his underage date. Shoot me now.

Scene 2: front of the house

NM: So computer, computers, computers…my daddy’s Ferrari, computers, my deaf sister, computers….

EW: writing, writing, writing, my sister, journalism, writing, being boring….

NM: Well, do you love me now that’s I’ve tried to buy your affection?

EW: Nope, you’re actually quite boring…. and I’ve gotten the ego boost I need…Omg! Is that Todd? What is he doing here?

Todd Wilkins: (approaching the table) Liz? is that you??? Why are you cheating on me????

EW: No, asshole, it’s Jessica.

TW: Phew! I know Liz wouldn’t cheat on me. She’s the patron saint of morals.

ACT III

Scene 1: The basketball game

TW: Well, I’m glad that I found out that Nicholas and Elizabeth had a date without causing any drama or anything. I’m just going to fuck up the entire basketball game.

Scene 2: boy’s locker room

NM: Glad I could talk to you in here Todd, where the half-naked men are.

TW: hold on, let me lather up. Can you get my back?

NM: I wanted to tell you that I tried to get into Liz’s pants, but there’s a double padlock on her crotch with “Todd Wilkins” written all over it.

TW: Okay, I’ll let it go this time, because I know Liz would NEVER cheat on me again.

Scene 3: outside the school

EW: Oh Toddie! I never meant to hurt you! Will you ever forgive me?

TW: Well, I wasn’t going to, but I talked to Nicholas about it and..uh…well, those luscious lips, that Greek-god sculpted body, the….uh, I mean he was honest with me.

EW: Great! I’d never cheat on you! And I am 100% sure this is the last time we will ever fight or one of us will be jealous!