The one where someone actually allows Jessica near their children or #101 The Boyfriend War

Seriously, did it really take a 100 books to use this title? I feel like it could be the title of every SVH book.

Ow wow, Jessica and Lila are brutal! First of all, it is nice to see that Jessica has completely forgot about when some crazy lookalike tried to murder her sister and several of her boyfriends died horrible, gruesome deaths. Well, who wouldn’t? it’s Spring Break! WOOO HOOOO!!!! Jessica is bragging to everyone that Lila invited her on a trip to the Carribean to her Uncle’s resort. It totally sounds like its a Sandals resort, which on my list of places to go on vacation, would be my absolute last place to go. Well, second last. Disneyworld is my last.

Liz is staying home working on a school project, because she is a fucking nerd. Todd is away with his parents, so for this book we get a break from his doucheyness. Olivia and Enid are in town, so the nerd brigade goes daily to see old classic movies. Okay, I have to admit, I can’t make fun because I actually wish my friends were organized enough to have a somewhat cool activity like that. But these gals are sixteen, it seems a bit off.

Alice, on the other hand, got offered a consulting job (aren’t all interior designers consultants? I mean, they don’t just keep redesigning the same place over and over again. Anyway.) with Henry Wilson Patman in Chicago, so she is off to there (no doubt filling her days with eating deep dish pizza and seeing the Sears Tower) Bruce has his speedo in knots because his parents are fighting and he suspects that Alice W. and Hanky are having an affair. He’s not upset about his parents, he’s upset that it breaks the perfect image of his family. Omg, that is like sooooo Bruce.

So Elizabeth’s school project is doing some research and a report on a family members life. She is reseacing her mother, because Alice is so fascinating! And successful! And blonde! And this! And could be the twins’ older sister! She finds a wedding picture of Alice and Hank and suspects that they were once married and confirms her suspicions about the affair.

Meanwhile, Jess and Lila arrive at Club Paradise, and Jessica finds that they are to be counselors for the week at the Kiddie Kabana, and Lila tricked her into coming to do it. That was pretty fucking mean of Lila, so she and Lila stop talking. [Why does Lila have to do this? Can’t she get out of working? Doesn’t make sense at all.] Jessica is in charge of seven kids, and they all have names and personalities but honestly I just skimmed because I personally dislike children, and what is this a Baby-Sitters Club book? For real. Anyway, they are unruly, and I honestly can’t blame them because their parents are taking a vacation to an island resort and don’t want to spend time with them. However, Jessica is horrible to them and calls them brats to their faces and yells at them to shut up. Yeesh. They also embarass her when she does her morning perfance (don’t ask).

Of course, she is totally judgemental about the other couselors. They are not pretty enough to hang out with and one of them – OH MY GOD – is overweight. ick! How do they let her walk around in public? Apparently, the only person worthy of being her friend is Lila, but they are still ot speaking and Lila totally has control over her kids. We get a pov from Julia (the chub) and of course she is in awe of Jessica and Lila and the only thing to boost her self-worth is to gain acceptance from them.

So starting with this book, I think they totally overhauled the ghost writing team, because this almost seems like a different book. I am not saying the themes and characters get any better, but for some reason the writing is…a bit snarkier. But the plots get more and more ludicrous, so that’s always fun.

Meanwhile, there is a beefcake windsurfing instructor at the resort named Mick and he is apparetly the most.gorgeous,guy.ever. He is described is being tall and lean, broad shoulders, and incredible tan, and hair that shone like silk. Here’s the first thought that popped into my mind when picturing him: a teenage Fabio. Complete with the accent. So of course all Jessica has to do is flick her hair and put on a skimpy bikini and he runs up to her and professes his love. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why these ruined my childhood. I of course believed that I just had to wait around for a guy to randomly profess his love for me, and it was unecessary to be proactive or show anything about my personality. Unfortnately, my extra llbs and Brenda Walsh bangs didn’t invite this much, so I was a bit crushed.

Mick professes his love to Jessica after 5 minutes on their cheesy date. He speaks in stupid cliches and puns. He is a total ass and Jessica falls for it. Meanwhile, he is also professing his love to Lila. Mick is a alsoa dick and conceited. He’s literally all, “Aren’t I your type? Do you go for tal, attractive guys with great bodies and long, sexy hair?” and “Our kids would be gorgeous and blond, because we are gorgeous and blond”. Gross.

They STILL fall for it, and one day meet each other on the beach and play a game of chicken with Mick and another guy from the club, and they beat the shit out of each other. Hence the cover:

Uh, I presume the guy on the left is Mick. EEEEWWWW he’s got a bowl cut and is wearing bike shorts. Lila looks purty, and I want to smack Jessica, which Lila does. Hard.

So finally, they find out about his two-timing and make up so they can scheme. Turns out Mick is also dating about 6 other girls at the time, including Julia and omg HOW DUMB of her to think that a guy like Mick could like a chub. Take that lesson home, folks. They get back at him at the camp talent show and use him in their magic act, and chop of his prized locks and dye it purple. Don’t tease the queens of all teases, folks!

We end with Liz imgining Alice and Hank getting married, and she and Jess becoming Bruce’s stepsisters. Now THAT is a book I’d want to read.

Other thoughts:

I hate Jessica. Just so you know.

Amy Sutton wants to be a pain in the ass and borrow Elizabeth’s great great grndmother for her own project- the bitch who was in the circus. We totally get reference to the Sweet Valley Saga, where we hear about all the perfect, size six blonde ancestors of the twins.

Finally, after about 95 books, Bruce acknowledges the amnesia incident:

Bruce had never liked Elizabeth Wakefield- in fact, he thought of her as one of the most uptight, sanctimonius kids at schoo. [I’d actually have to agree with Bruce there.] Actually, he reminded himself, there was that one time, early in the school year. Elzabeth had amnesia and her defenses were down. Bruce had tried to take advantage of her- what guy wouldn’t?

WTF? Way to excuse yourself from your behavior. Yea, any guy would have probably tried to rape her, so he was just doing what any guy would do, so he is not at fault.

Grade: B+

Poll: If you could have SVH do a crossover with other dumb YA series, what would it be? I’d like to see a Sunset Island crossover series, where Jessica and Samantha would dress is hideously slutty 80s outfits and fight over the members of Flirting With Danger. And Liz and Carrie can nerd out together. And Lila and Emma can play “who’s richer?” I should start writing fanfiction. Or not.