This patterned jumsuit will make you feel as pretty as Linda Ronstadt! or #28 Alone in the Crowd

Raise your hand of Elizabeth’s all-knowing, demeaning look (plus her baby blue polo and matching barrettes) makes you want to punch her in the face! Also, Lynne is not bad looking. Those glasses…yikes. Although, take a trip to Williamsburg, Brooklyn. You’ll see some of the hipster kids wearing those.

Wow, Lynne Henry is a sad sack of shit. And the author really wants us to know that. This girl is actually someone that should be on suicide watch. And I’m not being fecicious. She wears dirty old clothing, has frizzy brown hair (because anything other than sun-streaked blonde is FREAKISH) and has glasses (THE HORROR). Plus, she looks like a stringbean, because she is tall and lanky and awkward. Wait, hold up, now that’s a bad thing? Of all the modeling that goes on in Sweet Valley, SHE should be the one who actually does the modeling. To make matters worse, her mother is head of a beauty salon and always trying to tell Lynne to take care of her looks. Could it get any worse?

She realizes what an unloveable loser she is when she hears Mr. Collins reading an Emily Dickinson poem: “I’m nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too?” She feels like Mr. Collins is saying this directly to her.
Check out more of these deep lyrics: “I never thought I’d be the one to say/A day is something more than just a day”. Wow…deep?

Ugh. Check out what Lynne thinks when she sees Jessica:

She couldn’t get over how grogeous Jessica looked in that shiny red sports car. She looked like an actress in a movie- her tanned skin, her perfect skin, her perfect hair, her sparkling bluish-green eyes. Lynne would have given anything in the whole world to be Jessica Wakefield just then. It just wasn’t her beauty, either, Lynne thought, Jessica was confident [I like to call it sociopathic].

Can it get worse? Yes it can. Guess who has taken an interest in Lynne? Yes, Liz “God complex” Wakefield. Liz bites her lip worrying about Lynne most of the time and thinks about how she can “save” her. Shut up and just go back to your privileged life.

The Droids are sponsoring a song writing contest. They don’t say why, but I am pretty sure that it is because since they play at every fricking school dance and they are running out of material. Lynne totally lurves Guy Chesney, the keyboard player, who lives in her neighborhood. They walk to school together and talk about music a lot. Lynne loves music and songwriting, but doesn’t tell anyone. At LEAST the girl has something she enjoys. I wanted to kill myself by proxy just reading about her. However, they talk about Linda Rondstadt and Lynne thinks Guy only likes attractive singers. [Checking date of book: 1987? Did teenagers seriously like her then?] I can see her wanting to look like Samantha Fox, Madonna or Susanna Hoffs, but Linda Ronstadt? Omg, remember Samantha Fox? Anyway…

Lynne secetly enters the singwriting conrest with a song about Guy. I seriously want to make fun of the song, but it is seriously so pathetic it hurts to laugh.

Day after day I’m feeling kind of lonely,
Day after day it’s him and him only.
Something in his eyes
Made my hopes start to rise.
But he’s a part of the world that doesn’t include me.
Nothing he says could ever delude me.
I’ll never win.
This is how it’s always been.
I’m on the outside…looking in.
Night after night I’m saying a prayer
Night after night…hat somebody will care!
Somebody to hear me,
Somebody to stay near me…
But nothing’s going to change. Dreams can’t deceive me.
I’m all alone. You’ve got to believe me.
I just can’t win.
This is how it’s always been…
I’m on the outside- on the outside…
Lookin’ in.

Oh, get a load of this. Jess and the cheerleaders need new uniforms, so they are sponsoring a fundraiser. (Why not give the money to the needy families of Sweet Valley? Oh yea cuz they are gross and deserve whatever they get.) So she decides to have a rock-a-thon at the gym where people will pledge the cheerleaders for each half-hour they rock. They turn it into a party and have the Droids play. (Won’t the dance cost money therefore eating their profits???) The Droids are going to annouce the winner of the contest at the dance.

Of course they are BLOWN away by Lynne’s song, and Guy practically goes insane with lust for the girl who wrote it. I think he actually puts the cassette down his pants. Lynne doesn’t want to reveal herself because she thinks Guy will be disappointed.

Elizabeth is at the guitar store (for no fucking reason) and hears Lynne giving lessons and realizes that she is the songwriter. She of course, gives Lynne the pep talk that only Liz can give In fact, Guy ALSO confides in Liz about his obsession with the singer. Why is Liz always the patron saint?

So, obviously, all the plot twists can only point to one thing: A MAKEOVER! Lynne decides that she needs to start taking care of her looks and puts on some stylish clothes- which includes a patterned jumpsuit and her mother’s earrings. HAWT! Her mother then takes her for a day at the salon and they do her hair and makeup. Lynne has “never felt closer to her mother”. Thanks Ms. Henry for withholding your love until Lynne wants some finger curls. Also, they have the requsite “self-esteem comes from the inside, not the outside” speech. So why the hell do we need this makeover montage? (Not that there is anything wrong with makeover montages. I happen to love them).

So finally, mentoning Linda Ronsdtadt to guy makes him realize it is Lynne Henry. Okay, random: he has a POLICE SKETCH artist sketch what he thinks the artist looks like and of course it looks like Lynne and she knows that he knows and BOOM! They fall in love and of course, everything is sealed with one big kiss. Isn’t that magical? [VOMIT]. I wonder if he would have kissed her pre-jumpsuit.

You can probably predict what I am going to say. Lynne’s happiness and “success” should be because she wrote a great song and won a contest, gained some self-respect, and finally connected with her mother. Instead, the ultimate end result is kissing the boy she likes. It seems that Guy’s and Lynne’s relationship is based on something deeper than most relationships, but it is so not going last. Lynne has dealt with serious depression issues and the second Guy doesn’t call her back right away or says something that she interprets wrong she is going to freak out and get seriously clingy. You can’t “cure” the years of depression and self-doubt with one kiss. She needs to be okay with herself before she is able to love someone else. I hate to sound like Dr. Phil, but that’s the reality. And I hate that this is sending the message that getting a boyfriend cures all ills. But am I really surprised at the lack of social accountability?

Other thoughts:

Guy actually seems like one of the more interesting guys at SVH. And thats not saying much.

Jess dances with Ken Matthews at the dance and Liz doesn’t blink and eye. Isn’t she supposed to be crazy jealous? Oh, that’s right, the writers put in that story AFTER THE FACT! CONTINUITY PLEASE!

Aside from her stupid rocking chair dance, Jessica actually did not do anything manipulative or assinine. it was kind of weird.

In case you care, the team DID raise enough money for the outfits. They bought ones that were super-slutty.

Classes are canceled on a Friday so the school can play a softball game in the park. You can guess who the members of the team are- the same ones on the volleyball team. How does the school allow this? The school board is probably in the Soviet Union again.

Grade: B

Rubber minis! Or Sleepover Friends #4, Patti’s New Look

The gals take a magazine quiz which asks if they are boring. Stephanie, obvi, scores high and it says she is daring. Patti scores low and says she’s a bore. She takes it seriously and once again freaks out. The next day the gals go clothes shopping (by themselves, people) and Patti picks out a wild outfit, the one seen on the cover. Goddam!!! My eyes are bleeding. She looks like a prostitute clown. The other gals pick out loud, oversized sweaters to go with their black stretchy pants. That confirms it, I think they live in New Jersey.

I also remember thinking that Stephanie looked the epitome of cool and trendiness, right down to the bitchy look. But those big bows attached to barettes? Oversized cardigans. Oh my god! How awesome I thought that was! Lauren and Kate are being kind of mean, laughing at Patti.

Jane Sykes, a gal in their class, is having a mega-sleepover with all thirteen girls in their glass, because her parents are a glutton for punishment. A family friend of Patti’s is visiting from California and is a total bimbo and is supposedly sophisticated. Check out this decription, because when I first read this, I was nearly blown away with how gorgeous and awesome this girl sounded.

“Is that a rubber mini?” Stephanie squeaked. “We read about rubber minis in Style– it said they’re the latest fashion statement from Southern California, remember? I’ve never seen one in person.”…Comfortable or not, the mini looked great. It was deep red. Karen Lawson had on white legwarmers, and her sweater was red sprinkled with black lines and white circles and crosses, like a tic-tac toe game. One of her arms was loaded with sparkling bangle bracelets that clinked as she moved , and a gold feather earring dangled from one ear…and she didn’t even look tacky! Her hair was honey-colored, shoulder-length, and a mass of tight little waves.

Rubber minis! I totally forgot about that! Is it what is seems? A miniskirt made out of rubber? All I can think of is that must give you a rash when you sweat.

Turns out Karen is not who she seems, and stole her older sister’s identity to seem cooler. The moral of the story is: just be yourself! Pass the ten bags of Doritos and the tub of ice cream!

Speaking of, during a sleepover at Stephanie’s, Lauren goes downstairsto raid their kitchen. I am sure the parents appreciate that.

Also, the fab four are all bored at Jane Sykes’ party, being all sleepver experts.

Karen talks like a valley girl, further perpetuating California stereotypes. As a (northern) Californian, I take offense. But then again, people ask me all the time if New York is “just like Sex and the City”. I usually just tell them yes.

The one with the infamous Jessa Fields #32 The New Jessica

Firstly, I love the way people find their way here through internet searches.

Here are the most popular searches that have gotten people here:

  • Jessica boobs
  • touching boobs
  • Amy Wilkins (some fanfic maybe?)
  • bulimia tips

Nice, guys. Nice.

This one comes right after the whole Jeffrey French hoopla. Jessica is getting all pissypants after maybe one or two people mistake her for Liz. She is wearing Liz’s peach sweater knit dress (ew) so what should she expect? She feels she doesn’t have her own identity (I could call her some things that could give her an identity) so what better to solve this than…A MAKEOVER! Makeovers give her a sense of control in a world of chaos. Luckily, Lila’s Dad just recently tried to buy his daughter’s respect by bringing her back tons of stuff from Paris. I am surprised she lets Jess borrow it.

So Jessica’s makeover consists of:

  • dying her hair black
  • appearing paler
  • losing more weight to be “gaunt” (those exact words)
  • speaking in a “slightly” British accent (wtf?)
  • reading European fashion magazines
  • sipping capuccinos at Sweet Valley’s Eurotrash coffeeshop
  • renaming herself “Jessa Fields”

Of COURSE she makes a splash at SVH. I hate how Jessica always gets so much attention, it totally validates her borderline behavior. And the kids of SVH (all 5 of them) canNOT stop talking about Jessica. In fact, the day she shows up in school with her new look, “girls were jumping up to surround Jessica, touching her hair, walking around her to inspect her outfit, exclaiming excitedly”. Fucking please. And Ms. Dalton totally allows it.

One of the best.covers. ever!

Liz is rocking the Mom jeans. And the goddamn barettes, again. This is the sad part- Jessica’s outfit is kind of what people are wearing lately. In fact, I am a lil ashamed to say I wore something similar yesterday, A Blazer over a tunic with a chunky beaded necklace. Don’t worry, I’ll burn it. The belt over the shirt is even “back in”, as they say. I still don’t like it, I can’t stand clothes that defy functional purposes. And the hair would look good if it weren’t for those awwwwful bangs. I hate how it makes the wave over the forehead. It’s almost a little Donald Trump-esque.

Also, the one disappointing this is that SVH never really detailed outfits, which was my favorite part of most YA novels (I had a field day with Claud and Stacy’s outfits from the Baby-Sitters Club, and loved Sam’s stupid Mickey-Mouse boxes, suspenders, and red cowboy boot ensembles in Sunset Island) but here we get full descriptions!

  • “She had tied her hair back in a lose ponytail, and a few tendrils curled in wisps at her cheeks [I hate this look. Very Laura Ingalls Wilder]. Her eyes were drakened with lavish makeup- definately sultrier than her usual look. White powder helped achieve the ethereal , pale effect she was striving for….she was wearing an olive green leather skirt with a slit up the back. The skirt was so straight it was hard to walk. Matching hose with a lacy pattern and three-inch heels…a silky, oversized blouse and green leather belt worn on her hips…a chunky necklace and big gold earrings” ICK! So matchy-matchy!
  • “a black silk jumpsuit [cameltoe central] and red high-heeled boots…a red scarf completed the look…along with oversized earrings that Elizabeth thought were a but much for everyday.”
  • “a new outfit from Lisette’s [where else?]…a white, really slim-cut skirt that that was several inches longer than what she usually wore, with a white sweater with sequins on it. A white beret completed the look”. [I think this was the outfit I wore to my sixth grade class photo].

Liz gets really upset because she loves being a twin…I guess she forgot all the times Jessica fucks her over and stole her boyfriends. Liz even thinks Jeffrey likes Jessica’s new look and they have a dumb fight and Jessica even tries to make a move. Blah.

How many books does modeling have to be a central plot point? So everyone obvs tells Jess she should be a model so she goes to a photographer who tells her about a gig in the local dept store, but then they see Liz and they’re all, THAT’s what we want, a gorgeous, perfect size six California blonde with silky blonde hair and blue-green eyes. Well, not in those words, but you know what I mean. So finally Jess drops her look so she could be in the show, and then the twins BOTH get to be in the show! Yay! Happy ending! The moral is, beauty is more than skin deep. And by that I mean, you should always base your appearance on what a model casting agent tells you.

I was feeling very listy today!

Other thoughts:

Jess uses shampoo-in black dye that supposedly washes out after 2 washings. Uh, wouldn’t that rub off everywhere? And does that mean she didn’t wash her hair throughout the whole book?

Jessica thinks her new look makes her look “slightly Eastern”. Does she mean Eastern European? Middle Eastern? Wtf?

Oh, there’s a subplot where Liz thinks she loses her diary. Snoozefest 2007.

When complaining about her chores to Cara, she assumes Cara does the dishes and her brother takes out the trash. Obvs, how dare we go outside the gender norms.

Mr. Collins recognizes the peach dress that Jessica is wearing as the one that Liz wore a couple days ago. Why in the hell does he remember that? Dirty old man.

Jessica’s white outfit, the whole thing, cost $67. I know there’s inflation, but I thought Lisette’s was high-end fashion, not a loosely veiled version of Mandee.

Fun fact: the twins’ grandmother has a PhD in history. Random.

Also, I just realized that this book contained no school dance/picnic/auction/big game/danceathon! Omg! How did they survive?

Grade: A + +

Today’s poll: was there ever an outfit from tv/movie/books that you tried to emulate? Many of you know that I rocked the Brenda Walsh bangs through much of high school and college. I also was OBSESSED with the outfit MaryAnne Spier wore to the dance with Logan- the skirt with pictures of the Eiffel Tower and the words “London” and “Paris” and whatnot. I wanted one so bad, so my mom bought me some E.J. Gitano version of it. I can’t believe I admitted that.