The ten commandments of the Wakefields

1. Jessica acts like a sociopath but everyone forgives her because…gosh darn it, it’s so hard to stay mad at her for long!

Jessica wants Liz to try out with her for a part as twins on a soap opera. Liz is like, above all that nonsense (despite filling in at the Miss Teen Sweet Valley Pageant, and appearing on the talk show as Jess) so Jessica tricks her into going by making her believe she’s been invited to a focus group about twins. Which of course, Liz is stoked about, because it’s super-important research . Then they have a fight in the waiting room for the audish, and they are so awesome they are hired right on the spot!

2. Liz Wakefield is an amazing writer and reporter, and we always need to be reminded.

Jessica finally convinces Liz to do the show when she sends her stuff to the Los Angeles Times and offers Liz up to write articles about the experience for the. The editor of the times says he knows her work because HE SCOURS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPERS LOOKING FOR TALENT. Oh, jesus.

3. Ned and Alice come in last place for parents of the year.

Not only do they let Jessica go and party with the cast, she allows her to spend the weekend in LA with Lila and Amy under the watchful eye of Mr. Fowler. She also lets the star, Brandon Hunter, take her to a rock star’s house in the Hollywood Hills. Where they just hang around playing charades, not doing coke off every surface like it would be every week (Hey, I’ve seen Californication). Speaking of…

4. Famous movie stars and rock stars fall in love with one or more of the twins.

Jessica starts dating Brandon,despite him being twenty-two and she sixteen. Really? parents are ok with this? And the tabloids? pedo much?This is not the first time this has happened- Didn’t Elizabeth date some rock star in Malibu? And then later Jessica dates some guy in Manhattan? Not to mention Jeremy Frank, Jamie Peters…

5. The entertainment industry has no realistic rules.

Wouldn’t Jess and Elizabeth have to be supervised on the set?  Aren’t there child labor laws? Do all actresses really get to keep their outfits? Also, when Jess and Liz decide to get back at Brandon for being such a douche, they fuck up the scene to make him confused. Sure, great, waste the director’s and the crew’s time to suit your own needs. Furthermore, the show airs the same afternoon as it’s filmed. Really? Also, the director did not like how one of their final scenes worked out, so they DECIDE TO DO THE SCENE LIVE during the airing. REALLY? REALLY?

6. Everyone gives a shit about what the Wakefields do.

Apparently, everyone hears about Jessica’s dates with Brandon because they are ALL OVER THE TABLOIDS. I know soaps were way bigger in the early 90s, but really? All over the tabloids?  Perhaps in a sad little soap opera rag you see at the checkout stand. Everyone at Steven’s college is jerking off to the twins pictures apparently. And probably also Steven.

7. Once again, everyone forgives Jessica because she’s just so…well, she’s Jessica!

Elizabeth thanks Jessica for tricking her into doing it because she had so much fun. And Jessica basically cuckolds Sam in the tabloids, but he forgives her only after Jessica realizes Brandon is a douche. So she goes to her backup boyfriend. Sam, dieing a fiery death is much better than having to deal with this fucking maniac Jessica.

Also, this is an Elizabeth gem. The director asks her how she likes working on the show.

“I have to admit that at the beginning, I was skeptical, maybe even a trifle smug. I thought soap opera actors were overpaid and underworked, and I really didn’t see the appeal of watching a bunch of people dig themselves into one problem situation after another.”

“Liz!: Jessica tried to shush her.

“It’d alright,” William said, his eyes twinkling. “I appreciate her honesty. What do you think now?”

“Now I realize how hard everyone works to put out a good product. I plan to talk about the glamor and the hard work aspects in my latest article. And I appreciate how the cast and crew has been so open and helpful with me. “

Oh, gee Liz, thanks for giving your approval to soap operas, they were going to cancel them because of your disdain. Oh, and people digging themselves into one problem after another? Shall I count the number of times you’ve been threatened by a killer? Or saved someone’s life? Or started a class war? And did she use the words ‘a trifle smug”?

But, as a postscript, this is one of the “better” SVHs. And by “better” I mean quite entertaining with all the random shit they throw in and the ridiculous events. Also, Lila is the schemer who comes up with the ways to trick Liz. Lila is at her best when scheming.

Oh yea, that’s only seven commandments. Whatevevs.