I am doing this after watching Bring It On: In It to Win It on ABC Family this weekend. It was SO Sweet Valley High. Although it was very difficult for me to tell all the blond girls apart. The VERY blond girl was Jessica, and the other blond from California was so Eizabeth. And they stole the plot from this book. Although, I guess there is a finite amount of cheerleader plots one can think of. Anyway, it was often. Not only was there a cheer-off, but there was an honest-to-god cheer rumble. No joke.
Previously, Jessica quit the squad because Heather Mallone was a beotch, and then Jessica formed her own quad but then the squads combined and they won the state championships after most of the girls learned backflips within a span of a week. And Todd and Ken found out that Liz had an affair with Ken, so none of the four are speaking to each other.
So SVH has a huge sendoff for the team, which included the whole school at yet another pep rally with the marching band (SVH has a marching band?) and all the MEN’S sports teams sending them off. There is a big parade to lead them out to their bus where they will head to Yosemite for the competition. Who is driving the bus? Why aren’t they going with a chaperone? These kids are minors. They could have easily had Mr. Collins. I am sure he would love to be in the middle of a cheerleading competition. They also painted the bus. So they own it? The lowly copy editor who reviewed this book never caught these things?
So they get to the competition and are sharing a bunk with a team from Alabama, which you know talk in exaggerated accents and walk around with haystalks in their mouths. Because they’re not from California. There’s tons of combinations and cheerleading terminology are thrown around, and I’m convinced half of it is fake. Jess and Heath fight about what cheers they should do, because apparently at a National competition, you can do that last minute. Reason #345 that this teams needs ADULT SUPERVISION.
Heather’s old team is there, and the new captain Marissa James is an ass. Heather seems threatened by her and suddenly starts fucking up during the competition. Obvs because Marissa is blackmailing her to do so. So we are left with what Heather is trying to hide. I was thinking a coke habit or a lesbian love affair. Jessica boots her off the team (again, can you do this at a National Competition?) but Liz is all in a huff and gets sexually aroused about follow rules exactly, so she makes her put Heather on the squad. It turns out Heather cheated on a math test to be a part of the squad. Yea, that’s the big secret. The gals come through in the end and come in second overall.
Now that that is out of the way, on to the GOOD STUFF. Ken and Todd approach each other in the hallway and start to have words with each other. They get into a physical altercation, and Bruce walks by and says “hey, the Wakefield twins are not worth it”. Bruce, stop making me want to make out with you. So Todd and Ken jump him. There’s a lot of boys rolling around on each other, and it’s mega-gay. So the boys make up and realize what they really want are their girlfriends back. You know what this calls for..ROAD TRIP!
They head out and plan to surprise the girls at Yosemite. They pass Winston on the way and drag him along, although he really doesn’t want to go. They get there and there are no boys allowed inside. I am surprised that Jessica agreed to go. So as they turn around to drive back the six hours they came, they HAPPEN to stumble upon a cheerleading uniform store. What are the odds? So they decide to get costumes and go in drag to get into the competition.
Okay, Which commences my biggest pet peeves ever– men dressing in drag and acting “feminine” for comedy. I am not talking about an actual drag show, but taking supposed “manly men” and making them act “gay” or “girly” with the punchline being acting this way is so stupid and ridiculous because the irony being that “real” men don’t do this. When men act “like women” they usually act really dumb, shallow, week and stupid, which is pretty sexist. I am not sure if I am explaining it well. but the end result is some massive transphobia and homophobia. Like men who act “feminine” are ones to be laughed at. Also, several people are killed and tortured and ridiculed each year fro acting or appearing different from the gender they are “supposed” to act like, so no, it’s not really that funny to me.
However, this is the most personality that Ken has shown-ever. Even when he was blind for a while. I just really need to quote this verbatim.
“Ken!” called Todd. “Can I borrow your blue eyeshadow?”
“Coming!” Ken called in a falsetto voice. A moment later he sashayed into the bathroom like a runway model, adorned in a classic cheerleader costume. “How do I look, dah-lings?” Ken drawled, his hands on his hips. He pirouetted slowly, pausing to exhibit the cheerleading costume from a variety of angles…Ken whirled in a circle, displaying the flare of his skirt.
Todd put his fingers to his lips and let out an approving whistle.
“Hubba hubba!” said Winston, twisting around to watch the show.
“I always know you’d make a great girl,” said Todd with a grin.
Here’s your eyeshadow, honey,” said Ken, batting his eyelashes at Todd, “but make sure to return it.”
Ugh. See what I mean? Furthermore, I think that Ken and Todd have been dying to do this and flirt with each other, but haven’t had an excuse.
So they sneak into the competition and apparently all the officials are idiots and believe they are women, but everyone else knows that they are men and think it’s a big joke. Jessica gets onstage and makes them do a routine, which includes a lot of “gay” type dancing and “flitting around” which makes me ill. I can’t even talk about it. By being onstage, the guys realize that Marissa’s team slicked the stage with baby oil so SVH would fuck up. Thus, her team is disqualified.
Finally, I HAVE to share all the dumb cheerleading stuff. Could the ghostwriter PLEASE do some research?
There are some triple herkies, Y-split, a “funky monkey” routine where they wear sunglasses and try to act like gangsta rappers, a cheer where they spell “R-O-W-D-I-E” (isn’t it”rowdy”), of course the twin factor “mirror-imaging” .
This was one of the most unbelievable plots ever. And that is saying a lot.