The New Elizabeth

Photobucket

I know you all wanted me to make this into a dramatic reading, but I really, that won’t help me express how goddam ridiculous and loop-holed this is.

Firstly, I don’t think the ghostwriters even keep up with the series. Pretty much there was a “New Jessica” book, and this one is about Elizabeth learning to surf, and later on, when Jessica wants to learn to surf, it isn’t even mentioned.

Ok, so Liz is finally tired of everyone saying she is predictable and boring. Doesn’t this happen like every third book? And isn’t she all smug about it all the time? So, instead of maybe, say, getting a little tipsy at a party like many a teenager would do to prove their wildness, she decides to learn to surf. Uh, okay.

Well, CONVENIENTLY at the Big Mesa Surf Club, a few friends are betting some guy Sean that he can turn the first person that walks in the club to be a champion surfer. CONVENIENTLY Liz is the one that walks in. CONVENIENTLY Liz is so amazing he can’t help but fall in love with her. CONVENIENTLY Liz neglects to mention she has a boyfriend because she is an egomaniac who loves the attention. CONVENIENTLY Liz has amazing skills that allow her to surf like a pro within a month. Like how she can suddenly do flips and cartwheels.

Liz tells everyone that she is spending her time doing some dorky extra credit science project on the beach, and they all believe her, but Todd suspects she is cheating and gets all mad. I’m fucking falling asleep thinking about it. Liz is of course about the win the big surfing competition, but she throws the win to some girl Laurie, who is secretly in love with Sean and only when she wins a surf competition will Sean he pay attention to her. Wow, Liz being a champion surfer but also can’t resist helping the poor and pathetic. CONVENIENTLY she never speaks to Shaun again, because he is never mentioned again. I guess because she didn’t need him anymore because she was done with surfing. She can go back to playing scrabble on Saturdays with Todd (which she does in this book. Hawt.) Liz is so high and mighty but acts so self-centered. She even knows what sciopathic plan Jessica is hatching and just waves it off.

Which is making Caroline Pierce’s life a living hell. Caroline is working at an expensive boutique, and Lila and Jessica go to be difficult and make her wait on them. Finally Caroline gets back at her by managing to trick Jessica into be left in her underwear in the dressing room. Noyce!

Sigh.

So what did we learn? That Elizabeth is pretty much as conniving, manipulating, lying, cheating as Jessica, but at least Jessica is up front about it and doesn’t hide behind some facade as a bookish, well-behaved saint. In a weird way, I can respect Jessica for being honest.

The winter of my discontent

Exciting news! Our super sleuths have uncovered a relic of the SVH series, the Automatic Super Edition Plot Generator ™, which the ghostwriters used to save time. Some would say it is the precursor to the Family Guy Joke Generator (as seen here). Ghost writers just had to pick these categories out of a hat and throw in some stuff about lavelieres and the beach, and bam! Another super edition.

Time of Year:
summer
Christmastime
a break from school
an unspecified time that will never be mentioned again

Jessica is: (you may choose more than one)
in love with a new boy
out to make herself a celebrity
having a pity party
hatching a plan to ruin the life of an overweight/ugly girl
fucking Liz over

Elizabeth is: (choose six)
bending over taking it from Jessica
enabling Jessica’s behavior
cheating on Todd
cheating on Jeffrey
fighting with Todd
fighting with Jeffrey
fighting with Jessica
solving a crime
talking about writing

The big event where everything comes to a head is:
A dance
a party at Lila’s
a trip to a foreign country
a vacation
a battle of wills against a crazy psycho

Photobucket

Seriously though, this one was kind of a rip off. We didn’t get to the actual fucking carnival until the last few pages, and it seemed like it took bits and pieces from every other plot.

Firstly, the time continuum thing here was so wacked. So, it’s wintertime again, and Liz is with Jeffrey and Todd is going to be in town. However, not the same winter where Todd and Suzanne get together, or where Enid gets with Jeffrey because Liz already dumped him for Todd. I’m not even going to try to wrap my head around that.

There’s a big winter carnival up at a ski lodge for Sweet Valley high students and alum. Of course Steven will be there, because why the hell would be be at class? The way they word it is that Steven is “taking time off from college” to attend. Like he actually contacted his professors and asked to be excused because he wanted to romp in the snow with his high school friends, instead of just leaving for the weekend. That is something Steven would do, and in the SV world, it would be perfectly acceptable.

Liz is with Jeffrey and Todd is coming in for a visit, and he wants Liz to go to an awards banquet with him to honor him for being a Big Brother is a child or something. Because Todd’s a saint. Jeffrey gets mad and Liz has no idea why, when, oh SHE GETS FUCKING JEALOUS EVERYTIME HER BOYFRIEND IS WITHIN 5 FEET OF ANOTHER WOMAN. There’s also this bullshit where she keeps mentioning that Jeffrey really doesn’t understand how relationships work because this is his first relationship. Excuse me, WHAT? Because Liz is an expert? Bish plz.

Oh and Jessica keeps fucking her over, what else is new. Liz and Enid were going to be on a trivia show but Jess and Amy stole their answers and went on the show instead. (And Jessica tried to get on the opposing team captain to convince him to let them win. Prostitute much?). Oh, and Jess forgot to give Liz several phone calls which causes her to look like a fool. For once, Liz actually gets pissed. Finally, Jess is tired of watching Liz and Jeffrey fight (welcome to the club) and up at the lodge pretends to be Liz so she can have them make up. Liz sees them and thinks that Jess and Jeffrey are doing it (although according to one of the stupud Secret Diaries, Jeffrey and Jess did get up on each other). Liz proclaimes “I wish I never had a sister.” Dun dun dun. This is the equivalent to “I wish the goblins would take you away…right now.” Anyone? Anyone?

So Liz becomes a huge attention whore and runs away to the bus stop and goes home. Jess calls her and demands whats wrong but Liz won’t tell her. Jessica then drives home from the lodge but on the way home gets into an accident and is killed.

OR IS SHE?

We can only hope, right? I wonder if people reading this one for the first time thought it really happened. Turns out Jess is alive and Liz forgives her for everything because she was so upset aout her dream. Therefore, Jessica is once again enabled and doesn’t have to truly apologize for the crap she did to Liz.

All is well and they have a jolly time at the carnival, throwing snowballs and luging and crap. Jeffrey and Todd share a homoerotic moment. Maybe I am just overananalyzing it.

Shit, I was bored just writing the recap. This one totally fails.

At the carnival, Liz is sharing a room with Enid, Olivia and Regina. Most boring room ever.

Everyone thinks Winston is a kook because he wants to name the dance “The Snow Ball”. I think it should be called “The Blue Ball.”

Also, the cover picture never happened in the book. I wish they would fall down that mountain on their size six asses.

Deceptions: A play in 3 acts

Photobucket

ACT I

Scene 1: The Wakefield’s split-level, Spanish-tiled house. A party celebrating Liz’s return from her crazy orderly captor.

NICHOLAS MORROW: Liz, I’ve taken one look at you and your perfect California looks, you’re ill-cut feathered bangs, and I’ve fallen deeply and madly in love with you. I must have you at any cost.

ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD: Wow, that is not all inappropriate considering a creepy man just kidnapped me and said the same thing. But he fed me frozen pancakes.

NM: Oh, I’m very rich and good-looking.

EW: In that case…wait! I’m in love with Todd!

NM: Fuck Todd I want you.

EW: Well, you are feeding my ego, so yes, I’ll go out with you secretly.

Scene 2: Enid Rollins’ pathetic fucking non-Spanish tiled house.

ENID ROLLINS: (answering the phone): Hello?

EW: Enid, omg! What am I going to do? This is SUCH a disaster!

ER: Ok, I’ve cleared my schedule. I’ve canceled visiting my dying grandmother to talk to you.

EW: Oh my gaaaawd! Nicholas is like totally in love with me! And he’s so rich and good-looking! But I am supposed to be in love with my good-looking boyfriend Todd! Two guys are in love with me! Life is SO HARD!

ER: Wow, that IS a huge problem. I mean, forget that I have a drunk father, I once almost killed a kid, and I was born with frizzy brown hair, how can you stand to be you! [puts a gun to her head]

Act II- at The Cote D’Or, a posh restaurant an hour outside of Sweet Valley

Scene 1- back of the house

WAITER: If I have to make one more pat of butter look like rose petals I am going to quit.

BUSBOY: If I have to clean up after one more of these waspy couples, I am going to scream. Wtf is with this place? Cote d’Or means Gold Coast in French. We should be serving fried chicken skins in a basket.

WAITER: Oh jeez. I have to go check on table number 3, which is some rich daddy’s boy and his underage date. Shoot me now.

Scene 2: front of the house

NM: So computer, computers, computers…my daddy’s Ferrari, computers, my deaf sister, computers….

EW: writing, writing, writing, my sister, journalism, writing, being boring….

NM: Well, do you love me now that’s I’ve tried to buy your affection?

EW: Nope, you’re actually quite boring…. and I’ve gotten the ego boost I need…Omg! Is that Todd? What is he doing here?

Todd Wilkins: (approaching the table) Liz? is that you??? Why are you cheating on me????

EW: No, asshole, it’s Jessica.

TW: Phew! I know Liz wouldn’t cheat on me. She’s the patron saint of morals.

ACT III

Scene 1: The basketball game

TW: Well, I’m glad that I found out that Nicholas and Elizabeth had a date without causing any drama or anything. I’m just going to fuck up the entire basketball game.

Scene 2: boy’s locker room

NM: Glad I could talk to you in here Todd, where the half-naked men are.

TW: hold on, let me lather up. Can you get my back?

NM: I wanted to tell you that I tried to get into Liz’s pants, but there’s a double padlock on her crotch with “Todd Wilkins” written all over it.

TW: Okay, I’ll let it go this time, because I know Liz would NEVER cheat on me again.

Scene 3: outside the school

EW: Oh Toddie! I never meant to hurt you! Will you ever forgive me?

TW: Well, I wasn’t going to, but I talked to Nicholas about it and..uh…well, those luscious lips, that Greek-god sculpted body, the….uh, I mean he was honest with me.

EW: Great! I’d never cheat on you! And I am 100% sure this is the last time we will ever fight or one of us will be jealous!

Bill Chase: just a fool in love or #8 Heartbreaker

Photobucket

I’ve decided to go old school and go back to the early numbers I haven’t recapped yet. Before I rip into the content, this might be one of the best (worst) covers ever. Firstly, it looks like they took Jessica’s head from the Double Love cover and glued it on another body. And that two-tone bikini! Straight out of the Newport News catalog! Bill looks big, dopey and scary. I know Jessica is supposed to be slender, but he looks out of proportion. He’s trying to impress Jess with his armpit aroma. Also, is there a Sweet Valley Surf club? Methinks not. Finally, the awesome part. It looks like cover model was William Zabka, famous for playing the high school asshole in classic teen movies. You know, the blond ringleader of Cobra Kai. Hit it, Joe Esposito!

Photobucket

And now for the er,um…plot. Hit it, Mariah! At the end of the last book, Bill was in love with Elizabeth, but while Elizabeth was in her coma-induced slut mission, Jessica tricked Bill into going out with her and made him fall in love with her. Don’t question, just go with it. So now Bill and Jessica have the lead in a school play and he is hopelessly in love with her and she eats it up. But has no real interest in him and strings him along. Why is she doing this? “I’m only getting him back for ignoring me in the beginning.” Let’s all say it in unison: Jessica is a SOCIOPATH! Ugh. And Bill likes her because Jessica looks like his old girlfriend Julianne who died tragically a few years back. Boo-fucking-hoo.

However, DeeDee Gordon is also in love with Bill, but he sees her as just a friend, and someone who he is teaching to surf. You know that DeeDee is a fucking loser because she has brown hair and freckles. Finally Bill realizes that Jess is a douchebag maniac and realizes that the very thing he is looking for is something he can’t see. And she is just fine being second choice. Hit it, Vanessa!

Oh, DeeDee’s dad is a famous movie producer and he is bringing his producer friend to the play to scout some talent. Pshaaahhhh! Jessica of course thinks they mean her but really they want to nake Bill is a star, but he’s not sure he wants the moviestar life. “Come on” the producer says. “I can get your great roles in The Karate Kid one AND two, plus a featured role on Just One of the Guys.”

As much as Francine depicts the girls horribly in these books, she’s not really too keen on the men. The boys in these books are seriously interchangeable, and have no distinguishable personalities and are really just playthings of the girls. When they do have distinctive personalities, it’s to be a misogynist asshole (Bruce) or a nerdy loser (Winston). The only way to tell the guys apart is which sport they play.

The other dreadful plotline is that Liz is jealous of an old girlfriend of Todd’s that transfers to SVH and they fight about it and Liz gets all insecure until Todd has to profess how perfect she is and how in love he is with her before she feels better. VOMIT. Did they really get this annoying so early? The gal is Patsy Webber, who could be a supermodel, apparently. “Patsy looked too sophisticated to be in high school. She was wearing a straw-slim skirt belted with a wide leather sash around her tiny waist and delicate high heels. Her coppery-red hair was cut fashionable short in back, with a tumble of curls that dipped over her forehead. A pair of slanted green eyes regarded Elizabeth with friendly interest.” First of all, that haircut sounds dreadful. Second of all, she’s dressed like a hooker at the Paramus Mall in New Jersey.

This one was so quote-tastic, so here we go:

When Jessica sees Bill and DeeDee at the beach together, she determinedly set off down the beach. Aware of the stares she was getting in her bronze, wet-look bikini, she added a slight swing to her hips, for the benefit of the male audience. Ugh. What’s wet-look? That must be an eighties thing.

Oh also, Jessica orders a cheeseburger, double fries, and chocolate milkshake at the DB, but is scared that it may make her breakout. Remember when people thought acne was caused by junk food? Oh, the eighties.

“You’re in love with Liz, and she’s Jessica’s twin,” Bill defended weakly. “Jessica’s not Liz,” Todd said. “They may look alike, but that’s where the similarity ends.” Has Todd been reading the other books?

Lois Waller has nothing to do with this plot, but they had to have her make an appearance so that they can ridicule her. The nerd brigade (Olivia, Enid, and Lois) roll up into the parking lot and Lois is “always trying so hard to impress people and be the center of things.” And Jessica ISN’T? “Please, spare me the cracks about being blind,” Lois chimed in, blinking behind the thick glasses she wore. They were always slipping down her nose, no matter how often she poked them back into place. “I can’t even find my way out of the shower without my glasses!” Heh! O misfortune for not being blond, size six and blessed with aqua-marine eyes with perfect 20/20 vision! Is there even a book in the series where Lois gets some plotline? Or is she just there as a cautionary tale of what happens when you are not a Wakefield?

There’s an actual mention of sophomore year! The neverending junior year time continuum explodes!

The plot of the play they are in is: “Deanie tries to commit suicide by drowning herself and afterward, her boyfriend, Bud, feels so guilty he can hardly live with himself.” A little heavy for high school? Wtf, school board?

I think this ghostwriter is still bitter that she did not score a job writing harlequin romances and is taking one last shot at impressing them:

“Bill…” DeeDee murmed weakly. She was stopped from saying anymore by the warm, gentle pressure of Bill’s lips against hers. DeeDee forgot that she was half drowned and shivering from the cold. She forgot that her head was throbbing as if she’s charged straight into a brick wall. The only thing she was aware of was the wet, salty warmth of Bill’s kiss. Heat flooded through her. Her frozen toes and fingers tingles as they thawed. She sighed-a long, shuddery sigh- as Bill gathered her to him in a sandy embrace. With her cheek pressed to his strong chest, she could hear the steady hammering of his heart. A strange, floaty feeling crept over her. None of what was happening seemed real somehow. Was she dreaming it? His lips were moving over her hair, gently brushing agaist her cheek. His mouth closed over hers once again. At that moment they were caught in a sudden surge of white water. It swirled around them, sending up fans of foamy spray. DeeDee forgot how threatening the sea had seemed such a short while agao. Now the water felt teasing and delicious as it fizzed over her body, mingling with the salty taste of Bill’s kiss.

I’ve been reading A Conderacy of Dunces, and for one, wondering why I never read it before now, and two, have taken to having Ignatius J. Reillyesque outburts as I read SVH books. My thought about reading the above passage was “can I believe this revolting offense to literature? What an abortion to the eyes!”

Dear Diary: I’m boring

PhotobucketPhotobucket

Sorry all, I gave this a try and I had to stop. It was too horrid. It’s like DVD extras; sometimes you watch the deleted scenes of a movie and you think, wow, there was a reason those scenes were deleted. Do we really need to rehash some of the Saint Elzabeth moments? his is Elizabeth’s secret diary volume three, which means it takes place over bookslike 60-80 or something.

You’d think that hearing about Elizabeth in first person point of view would give more insight into her character but it gives us the insight that she is as boring and condescending as we thought she was. She also constantly refers to Diary by name, like “Diary, you wouldn’t believe what happened today!” Gross.

The infurating thing is that Elizabeth meets Sam first and they have a fling. It’s love at first sight of course, so I am sure he is just as happy with Jessica. This, of course, does not fit in any other plot line, because Liz never again mentions any other times her romantic feelings for Sam, not even when she, um, I don’t know, drives drunk and kills him.

What is that house in the background? is that guy supposed to be Sam? Liz looks like Lauren Conrad. Please shoot me for knowing who Lauren Conrad is.

The Gangs of Sweet Valley, or #121 The High School Wars

I cannot tell a lie. I had to skim this one. I had to do this so I wouldn’t gouge my eyes out. Dreadful. Ok, remember all the gang stuff that started because someone insulted Ken? And Jessica fell madly and deeply in love like she’s never felt before and with the most gorgeous guy she’s ever seen? Yea, that happened. He’s the rival Palisades gang leader.

So really I’ll just say there’s lots of drama and Jess and Christian Gorman act like they are Romeo and Juliet.They’ve known each other a week, don’t even know anything about each other, and constantly talk about how they love each other. Let’s call it what it is, they are teenagers in lust. Oh, and Ken finds out when he catches them on a “real date”. That’s what the cover depicts. Ken is coming out of a restaurant, not a restroom. Jessica lies to the police about the brawl. And Todd gets arrested for beating the crap out of the Palisades guys. Liz blames the whole drama on herself.

Yeesh, so after the big warehouse dance brawl (which was really some skinny white guys throwing some punches at each other) Chrome Dome calls an assembly. He forbades anyone from wearing school colors or SVH paraphanelia. What if Liz wants to wear her “Oracle” press pass? Is that forbaden now? Wow, my father can relate. He taught at an inner-city school for 30 years where he watched gang fights going on in the hallways and he has had to confiscate razor blades from his students. I should totally tell him to read this, he could relate. The principal is putting together a task force of students to help assuage all the violence. Task force? Liz just had an orgasm. The task force is useless, duh. But it is like a halfway home for forgotten characters. Jade Wu and David Prentiss are on it, and off course, Jade is described as “exotic” and “almond-eyed”. Oh, and A.J. Morgan! He’s there too! He lives! It’s amazing when one of Jessica’s boyfriends gets out alive. I wonder why Jeffrey French is not there too.
Ken has a cell phone! They call Jessica from his car because she is afraid she drowned at the beach while surfing. “Drowned in Christian’s pool of love” is more like it.

Jessica and Christian spend much of their time on an infaltable mattress in the back of his van. Classy.

Todd lives at 1010 Country Club Drive, in case you were wondering. And lives in a mansion. Wtf, he’s rich now?

Yea so…these middle books in the trilogies blow. Just the same scene over and over again. But some good quotes:

“Jessica had kissed plenty of boys, and she’d been in love, seriously in love- but she’s never felt quite like this. It’s like we’ve always known each other somehow, and at the same time it’s so exciting , and brand-new, she thought, gazing deep into Christian’s soulful blue eyes. Like we’re meant to be together. He’s my destiny.” We’ve NEVER heard this before.

Todd calls Liz out on her shit and says “she’s …writing holier-than-thou editorials and campaigning for the Nobel Peach Prize.” Ha! Todd’s been reading this site.

We’re left with the cliffhanger, will the schools ever put their rivalry behind them? What will become of Christian and Jessica? I may never know because I don’t know if I can bear to read the next one in the series. Except that I do know what happens.

Grade: F

The Bloods and the Crips have nothing on SVH and Palisades; or In Love With the Enemy, #120

As I was reading every word of this, I felt like this book was written to be ridiculed. Like the ghostwriters were giving me a big wink with every inane pararaph. Yes, I know this was written in 1998, but let’s just pretend that they came into the future and knew I would one day be embarking on this project. Also, this convinced me that the ghostwriters were about 67 years old, from another country, or raised in a cave by wolves because their depictions of teenagers and high school is so fucking off-base.

Oh my god. Head spinning. So much to cover. So, the book opens at the big Palisades v. SVH football game. (Isn’t every one of their games the big game?) and Jessica is leading the cheerleaders in a super-amazing, awesome routine. Ready for this? It’s a rap routine and Amy puts on a backwards baseball cap and they point their fingers at the audience like “rappers”. WTF???? So bad I cringed when I read that. I think Heather stole this routine from the East Compton Clovers.

Well, Greg McMullen, a Palisades player, knocks Ken over and he gets all huffy about it. Isn’t that what football is? Get over yourself, pretty boy. After the game Greg and his neanderthalls rough Ken up in the parking lot.

Meanwhile, Jessica and her witches are at the beach during a surf competition, and the winner of the contest gets a trip to Hawaii and a tv interview. So Jessica decides she has to win the trip and be on tv, so SHE DECIDES SHE WILL WIN THE SURF CONTEST. Lucky we have Lila who reminds Jessica that she is a stupid egomaniac. Rosie Shaw, the top female surger totally overhears this and laughs at Jess. I like this Rosie. Can we get a spin-off series please?

So Jess gets up at five every day to try surfing. Luckily, a hunk from the beach is there to help her and of course falls for her instantly. His name is Christian Gorman. He could be Jewish, no? Except for the first name. Of course.

h, backtrack a little. At the aformentioned game, Liz and Enid meet Marla and Caitlin, who are the editors for the Palisades newspaper. They decide they need to out-nerd each other and collaborate on an event that will foster teamwork between the schools. So they wrack their brains and come up with….I’ll let you guess what the event is…haven’t figured it out yet?…. a DANCE. Because they NEVER have the idea to do that. And, it must be a Friday coming up. Also, don’t they need permission from the school? Of course not, when Chrome Dome bends over and takes it in the ass whenever a Wakefield wants something. I’ll bet Mr. Collins will be there.

Meanwhile,the two schools start to prank each other, which includes stringing toilet paper all over Ken’s lawn, spray-painting the foo0tball field, and other hardcore gangsta stuff. It reminded me of the East-West Coast rap wars.

Bruce, Ronnie Edwards, Ken, Todd and others go really hardcore and show up in school wearing jean jackets and sunglasses. WATCH OUT! They may start…breaking out in song! To save money, I am surprised Bruce didn’t pull out his Club X leather jackets. Also, I wonder if they are also wearing jeans? Because that would be horrifying, a jean jacket with jeans, which I call a jean tuxedo. It’s a big no-no.

Liz is all pissy that Todd is involved and that Todd is thinking for himself, and Jess actually doesn’t care what Ken is doing because she is ducking face with her mysterious surf teacher. He doesn’t tell her anything about himself and that unbalance of power in the relationship only makes Jess want him more. They exchange I love you’s after two days together.

So the rumor is that a big throwdown is going to happen at the upcoming dance, which is now a masquerade ball and will take place at an abandoned warehouse. This sounds more like a rave to me…where are the glowsticks? Also, who is funding this? Liz and Enid and Caitlin and Marla consider cancelling it, but it turns out the rumble will happen anyway, so they figure it is better to have people around. I don’t even know why Enid is involved, it just seems she is doing it because Liz is. Enid needs to go back to crystal meth, she was way more interesting then.

So the dance happens and the SVH gang heads out back to start the rumble with the Palisades guys, who are in leather jackets and sunglasses. They start to fight and it like West Side Story, although more like the the Gap commercials than the real thing. Ken goes down and Jessica runs out to see….that the gang leader is none other than Christian Gorman! Gasp! Then she passes out for some reason. Cliffhanger!!!!

Grade: A+ for being a complete parody of itself.

At the dance Bruce tells Jessica she looks like a bruise because she is wearing blue and black. Love that Bruce.

Liz and Enid meet Caitline and Marla over brunch at a swanky place. Now, I brunched all the time when I lived in NY, but what teenagers do this? Liz is a fucking grandma.

The one that is a big commercial for a Ouiji Board or Super Thriller: Deadly Summer

I have been reluctant to do a Super Thriller, because I remember them being tedious and quite frankly, not all that scary. I was RIGHT!

The timeline of this one is blowing my mind! So it’s summer, AGAIN. But Liz is dating Jeffrey, in the summer. But didn’t Todd move back to SV before the end of the school year? Was this before or after they spent the summer in Malibu? Or after the big bike trip? My head is exploding! Also, the twins are interning at the Sweet Valley News. Why would Jessica even want to do that? And wouldn’t she get fired during her first day? Also, what the hell really happens in Sweet Valley? But the office is always bustling like it’s the Daily Planet or something.

The first half of the book doesn’t have much thrill in it. Elizabeth chided Lila for believing in a Ouji board, and Lila was pissed and plans to get back at Liz for being a condescending asshole. You and me both, Li. She and Jess plan to trick Liz into making her scared of the Ouji board by haing it predict things that will actually happen. The big Endless Summer concert is postponed, and they lead her to believe that the Ouji predicted it. Then Jess reads one of Jeffreys letters to Liz and has it predict that. Soon Liz is believing it and getting freaked out and Lila is loving every moment of it. And so am I- Liz being made the fool is okay in my book.

They also trick Liz into believing that Bruce is dying of an unnamed illness, so of course Liz is going to jump in and comfort him and act like Mother Teresa because she can’t resist “saving” someone. Bruce finds out about Jessica and Lila’s plan, and totally hams it up to manipulate Liz into fooling around with him. He’s actually a little bit hilarious. Liz seems to forget the whole coma-forced-intercourse thing. Jeffrey finally arrives home and is super jealous that Bruce and Liz are spending time together. (Jeffrey had been working as a camp counselor in San Francisco. I think that means he was camping it up in San Francisco, if you know what I mean. Wink. ) The folks who wrote Almost Married should have read the other books first to realize that the Liz/Bruce romance thing had already been done.

Okay, we finally get the the Super Thriller part. Some guy is an escaped from a mental insitution. When he was in high school about 10 years ago, he was in love with a pretty cheerleader who snubbed him so he kidnapped her for a while.

If you do not see exactly where this is going, then you are a moron.

He is also planting fake bombs everywhere, sending SVH into a panic. Liz is also getting prank phone calls. Yawn.

Liz is also doing some baby sitting for Elsa Bennett. One night when she is there a strange guy stops by, looking for Elsa, claiming that he is an old friend, and that Liz “looks like someone he used to know”.

Oh, this is the best: it’s the middle of the summer, and the cheerleaders hold a pep rally at SVH to “get the school back in the team spirit”. Is this legal to have a school event during the summer? Can these people take a fucking break from SVH and get away?

Okay, I’ll admit that I totally skimmed the rest: This crazy guy, Donald, who is Elsa’s brother,takes Liz, Bruce, and Jeffrey hostage at the stadium and threatens to set off a bomb. Becauase Liz looks like the pretty girl that snubbed him. It’s just the curse of being beautiful! Bruce saves the day by grabbing the bomb and running off with it and it explodes. He emerges with like soot on him and a singed collar. It is like in the cartoons, where something explodes. Was the bomb made by ACME? Whatever.

Liz has been kidnapped/held hostage like eighteen times. How does she not have PTSD?

Super thriller my ass.

Grade: F