On the Run: The ending gives away the story, dumbass

It’s the clip-art magnifying glass of doom! Despite witnessing the murder of their houseguest’s girlfriend and then almost being butchered in a garage, the twins lives are pretty much back to the ho-hum of Sweet Valley. They are back interning at the Sweet Valley news for free, and Elizabeth is still believing that one day the editor will give her the assignment of her life, she’ll write it and win the Pulitzer Prize. Keep making coffee and making photocopies, loser.

Meanwhile, the news has a new intern named Darcy Kaymen, who is a redhead and immediately takes a dislike to Elizabeth, who she deems as pompous and boring. We love Darcy! The great thing is, Liz doesn’t try to win Darcy over and concert her to a Wakefield-worshipping zombie, she just kinds of sits and takes it. Awesome! Meanwhile, Darcy and Jessica become besties, because they both enjoy lipgloss and psychopathology.

But oooooo, there’s national news about a well-known criminal case in New York. Frank DeLucca, a notorious mafia leader was arrested but people are afraid to testify against him. Ned has something to say about it: He “feared that DeLucca might be let off and horrible chain of underworld crime would continue.” Because they live in a 1930s film noir. And this guy’s conviction would make New York virtually crime free. Rumor has it that they found a witness but he was going into the witness protection program.

Meanwhile…there’s a new guy, Eric,  that works in the coffeeshop downstairs. He just moved to town and seems very mysterious. I WONDER HOW THAT IS RELATED TO THE SEEMINGLY PASSING MENTION OF SOMEONE GOING INTO THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM. Darcy gets hard on for him, but Liz gets a bigger hard on when she finds out that Eric likes sappy love poetry. This makes Darcy mad, so she hates Elizabeth more. Some other business comes up where Darcy thinks that Eric is really some guy who murdered a girl in Shaker Heights, Ohio, and that Liz is in trouble, but meanwhile some weird guys in suits are following the twins around but meanwhile, some kid starts choking in the coffeeshop and Eric’s father is revealed to be…dum dum dum….the doctor who testified! of COURSE they moved to Sweet Valley of all places.

Just when everyone has a big laugh about the mixup and about to head to Casey’s for a deep fried quadruple scoop of bacon and nutella ice cream, some of DeLucca’s guys come in and hold Eric’s family and Liz hostage! Liz somehow saves the day by teaching Eric and his father about the power of trust and they are saved, the bad guys are arrested, and the seedy crime underworld is virtually eradicated. Yay!

I couldn’t deny you the pleasure of hearing Eric’s poetry that caused Elizabeth’s high-wasted briefs in a knot.

No sparrows light here

the sheaves picked clean,

and summer gone

with nothing left to stave off cold

or hunger.

Maybe to love

is always to hurt deeply and not just

to hurt, but to destroy,

knowing this

awful farewell

has been in store for us.

Liz was ready to cheat on Jeffrey with this sap. The only thing stopping them from getting to third base was that Eric and his dad needed to leave Sweet Valley and go ON THE RUN again. See what they did there? Good thing that the nothing else crazy and murder-related happens during this summer….except when it does.

Redundancy, Inc.

I am really running out of ways to express how awful these are, how ludicrous the plots are, and how despicable the twins are. So, this time, I will just explain the plot and then scream about how dumb it is.

Liz and Jess are both having money woes. Elizabeth wants to buy an expensive warm-up jacket for Todd, and Jessica wants to buy…probably some baby hooker outfit at Lisette’s so she can snag some town drug dealer/serial killer in disguise. Okay, for real, she wants a portable disc player, a birthday present for Sam, and to repaint her Hershey Bar room. They are bemoaning this while having party at their house, where conveniently the only people who are invited the main characters and characters that conveniently fit the plot du jour.

Abruptly, Lila and Amy have to leave because they both have to write letters to people that they have been putting off (on a Friday night).

YES, BECAUSE THAT IS THE NUMBER ONE ABSORBER OF TEENAGER’S TIME! KEEPING UP CORRESPONDENCE! WOW, THANKS FOR REALLY CAPTURING THE STRIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEENAGER!

This suddenly gives Jess an idea for how to make money. She will start a letter-writing business! Because so many people always have letters they want to write!

WOW, BRILLIANT IDEA YOU GUYS. BECAUSE THIS IS THE #1 COMPLAINT OF EVERYONE IN THE EARLY NINETIES. TOOOO MANY LETTERS TO WRITE! I MEAN, THE iPHONE WOULD HAVE BEEN INVENTED IN 1994 BUT STEVE JOBS WAS JUST TOOOO BUSY WRITING LETTERS TO WORK ON IT.

Elizabeth actually likes the idea, and they decide to start their own company called Letters R Us. They will take requests from people who need to have letters written, and charge $5 for each letter. Jessica will be in charge of setting up the PO Box for people to send their requests, will organize the requests, and drop off the finished letters at the post office. Elizabeth will write the content of the letters.

REALLY LIZ? REALLY? THAT’S EQUAL WORK? DO YOU REALIZE THAT ALL JESSICA NEEDS TO DO IS ORGANIZE LETTERS? THAT IS BASICALLY STACKING ONE LETTER ON TOP OF THE OTHER, BUT YOU NEED TO TYPE OUT EVERY SINGLE ONE? IF YOU ARE THAT DUMB, YOU DESERVE TO BE TRAMPLED ON MY JESSICA.

They put up ads all over town (ah, these pre-internet stories are so quaint) and they get several letters the first day they check the PO box. They go through some of the requests where people write to them explaining the background info about why they want to send a letter, and what they want the letter to say.

OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IF YOU TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE ALL THAT, THEN WRITE THE FUCKING LETTER YOURSELF! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

Jessica looks through the letters, and sees one from a girl in high school who is feeling neglected by her boyfriend, and starts to develop feelings for someone who she is becoming friends with, the star of the boys’s basketball team. Omg! Jess realizes that shwe is talking about Todd “Wizzer” Wilkins and the person is Shelley Novak, annoying emo star of the women’s basketball team, who is feeling neglected by her boyfriend Jim, who is spending a lot of time putting the yearbook together. (Save your time, Jim. This school year lasts 15 years). Jessica sees this, and doesn’t want Liz to see it. She figures that Shelly will send the letter, and Todd won’t do anything but just be flattered. So, she wakes up extra early, takes the letter, retypes it and changes Shelley’s name, and puts it back in the pile so Liz won’t get upset.

AS OPPOSED TO JUST THROWING OUT THE LETTER? WOULDN’T THAT HAVE BEEN QUICKER AND EASIER, YOU FUCKING MORON?

Liz happily writes the letter and is clueless. Meanwhile, Liz is spending so much time on the letter writing business to get the jacket for Todd, that she starts neglecting Todd, even though he makes picnic lunches for them with strawberries and brie cheese that he plans on feeding her. Liz gets frustrated and wants to write a letter to Liz saying they want to break up. He requests Letters R Us to write it, and Jessica sees it first, and intercepts changing the name, and Liz ends up writing her own break up letter. OH THE IRONY! Jessica figures Liz will figure it out, and Todd will finally come to his senses. Actually, it’s more like she feels guilty for not telling Liz the truth the first time she figures she’ll just keep up the charade and avoid the outcome.

REALLY JESSICA? YOU DID IT AGAIN? INSTEAD OF JUST TELLING LIZ THE TRUTH, OR CONFRONTING TODD, YOU TAKE THE TIME TO REWRITE THE REQUEST??? AND ARE YOU REALLY THAT STUPID LIZ??!?!?!

Well, what do you know, Liz and Todd break up, and every time one of them times to explain the mishap, one storms out of the room, prolonging the fighting for at least five more chapters. Finally, Jessica, probably feeling bad, writes a letter to LETTERS R US, posing as Todd, asking for a letter to his girlfriend explaining he is sorry and how much he loves her. Aw, all is well, Todd and Liz make up, and Liz is able to give Todd the jacket. What does Todd do in response?

BUYS LIZ A FUCKING MATCHING JACKET!

Todd: “I wouldn’t think of wearing this unless you let me order a matching one for you. After all, I want everyone to know we’re meant for each other, now and for all time.”

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WILKINS, THEN HOW ABOUT YOU STOP GIVING HER KISSES THAT HAVE NAMES AND STOP FIGHTING AND BREAKING UP AND NOT MATCHING CLOTHES?

These books are not helping my anger management issues.

the plot, in a nutshell

Plans to create very Aryan offspring were thwarted when Wakefield and French broke up, authorities said on Tuesday.

Lila: Todd is moving back to Sweet Valley!

Liz: Oh no, I still love him. Wait, but I love Jeffrey!

Todd: Hi Liz.

Liz: I love Todd!

Jeffrey: Hi Liz!

Liz: I love Jeffrey!

Todd: Hi Liz!

Liz: I love Todd!

Jeffrey: Hi Liz.

Liz: I love Jeffrey!

Todd: Hi Liz.

Liz: I love Todd!

One week later….

Jeffrey: Hi Liz!

Liz: I love Jeffrey!

Todd: Hi Liz!

Liz: I love Todd! But wait, Todd doesn’t love me. I guess I love Jeffrey. By default.

Todd: Liz, I still love you.

Liz: I love you too! Jeffrey, despite risking our relationship, hatched a plan so you and I can get back together! He’s so unselfish! Let’s reward him by sending him into the SVH character Bermuda Triangle. Only to emerge as a funky fresh DJ in our alternate reality senior year.

Todd: Too much talking, not enough smooching, Liz.

Working Class: Only if they are hot, please

I can’t believe at only book #19 the ghostwriters went downhill so quickly. Also, I was kind of saving this one for a bit because I thought it would be one of the more fun ones. Why do I continue to have expectations?

What this book could have been:

  • Lila and Jessica both have an interest in the same guy.
  • The guy seems mysterious and too good to be true.
  • Lila and Jessica both try antics that result in hijinks to compete for the guy
  • They both realize the guy is not worth it and decide to remain friends (frenemies)
  • OR the guy realizes the girls are mean-spirited and dumps them both, both teaching them a lesson

What we get is:

  • Jack is a LOWLY construction worker that Lila meets, and everyone is all judgmental and disgusted by that. However, Lila’s digging it and declares him her new man. Everyone is convinced that Jack is really hiding some secret identity, like he’s the prince of some tiny nation, because no one can REALLY be just a construction worker. Ugh, the working class!
  • Jessica proves her insane sociopath personality and hits on Jack at Lila’s party while Lila is not looking and gives Jack her phone number. Really Jess? You are a disgusting, mentally ill manipulator.
  • Jack begins to date both the women, but only Jessica knows. Jack convinces Jessica that he went out with Lila because he felt bad for her. After one, date, Jack and Jessica are walking on the beach and Jessica declares she is in love. From what? He smells her hair and he talks about how hot she is. Furthermore, Jack, who is older and has his own apartment, doesn’t even try to tap that ass. yea right.
  • After one weekend together, Jack tells Lila he wants to marry her. Because…why? All we see is them making lovey talk over lunch. Francine, can you please show the normal steps of attraction? Even with teenagers?
  • Coincidentally, Nicholas Morrow sees Jack out with Jessica and recognizes him as someone he used to go to prep school with in Connecticut. What are the odds? Also, Francine, did you know that there are other states on the east coast besides Connecticut? Nicholas remembers that Jack had an evil side and held a girl at knifepoint at school and was kicked out. Also he had violent mood swings that made him like “Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.” In other words, he was probably bipolar. But god forbid these books are medically correct.
  • Nicholas uses this an excuse to go impress Liz by being the hero and saving Jessica. Nicholas, Liz, and Nicholas’ unimportant friend go to Jack’s apartment to save Jessica. Well, good! They are just in time! Jessica, determined to find Jack’s real identity, rifles around in his bathroom and finds a shoebox of pills and marijuana. Oooooo nooo, teh drugs! If having a shoebox full of pills and a pinch of skunk is a crime, than put me away forever. When Jessica confronts Jack, he holds her at knife point. Good judgment on guys, Jess! Well, this wouldn’t have happened if Jack worked at, say,  his father’s company, but he was a construction worker, for god’s sake.
  • The Scooby squad bursts in and saves Jessica at the last minute! Boy was that lucky! They all laugh about Jessica’s shenanigans with boys and then go out for a triple bacon cheesburgers at the Dairi Burger. You know, normal reactions when your life is threatned by the man you thought you loved. Deb Morgan would agree.
  • There is never a g-damn SHOWDOWN between Lila and Jessica, so wtf? Liz calls Lila to find out Jack’s address, Liz tells her that Jess has been seeing Jack and now Jack is probably trying to kill Jessica, Lila responds with “thank Jess for saving me the trouble!”. Ok.
  • Oh? And the subplot? Penny Ayala has mono (what? I thought guys didn’t want to kiss her? ZING!) so Liz of course is taking over as editor and she’s a fucking martyr about it. Turns out there’s a fantastic photographer at SVH who leaves their photos under the Oracle door. Liz wants to find out who it is, and it turns out that it’s Tina Ayala, Penny’s sister, who doesn’t want Penny to know its her because Penny never takes her seriously. Liz, always happy to tell families what to do, and convinces Tina to tell Penny. Well, this happens “offscreen” and all is well. Way to build up tension and suspense, ghostwriters. NOT.

Wow, what. an. absolute. stinker. The plot made no sense, had no purposeful plot turns and devices, and none of the conflicts were ever resolved thoroughly. Why was Jack even manipulating the two girls/ just because he was crazy and on drugs? Well, the one thing we got was a great cover, loving Lila’s pearls and general hotness, where Jess looks like an anorexic soccer mom.

Jack has got some game! Here’s how we wooed the ladies:

The ocean wind blew softly as they strolled down to the water’s edge. “It’s so vast, so wild,” Jack reflected as he stared out at the seemingly boundless sea. “It makes you feel like nothing more than one of these tiny grains of sand. Know what I mean?”

and here’s the deal sealer:

“I think I’ll name a star after you.” He and Jessica looked upward. Every star in the sky sparkled like a cut diamond. “That one,” Jack proclaimed, reaching his finger out to point towards the star. “Because it shines more brightly than all the rest.” Jessica followed his outstretched arm with her eyes. “But, Jack, that’s the North Star!” “Not to me, it’s not. Not any longer.” Jack carewssed Jessica’s cheek with his fingertips. “From now on that star is called Jessica, and every time I look at it, I’ll tink of this wonderful evening.”

Wow, it was great seeing my lunch again.

Cara and Steven vie for the title of most irritating couple. Ever.

Photo courtesy of The Closet.

This one has me 100% convinced that each writer makes no effort to read the previous books. Or the editors suck. Or else they don’t care. I hate Cara and Steve.

Star commenter Rio pointed this out for an earlier book, but this one is basically a to-do list of SVH cliches.

1. Jessica manipulates other people to serve her. Despite wanting them to get together originally, she finds Cara boring and always talking about Steve, and doesn’t like it. She convinces Cara that she needs to play hard to get and addm mystery to the relationship. Thus backfiring. And thus Jessica not having to take any responsibility for it.

Steven Wakefield today.

2. Steven has a phobia of college. Get this- he’s sick and arranges to come home for two weeks because HE HAS ALLERGIES. My theory is that the wet the bed the first night of college and the guys in the dorm constantly berade him. Cara is stoked to spend time with him but he acts all annoyed because he has work to do. Yea, I'[m sure a guy would come home for college for two weeks and NOT want to spend time with his underage girlfriend who is constantly rubbing up against him.

3. The Oracle is apparently the most important journalistic medium in the world. Oh noes! Readership is down. They decide that they need a humor section. Don’t worry, they ask Winston to be the editor. He turns them down. They decide to have a contest for a new humor columnist. Cue convenient plot device to introduce Abbie Richardson.

Abbie' future cartoon career.

4. A poor pathetic schmuck is taken under Elizabeth’s wing. Abbie Richardson dated a guy from another school for two years, and thus never hung out with anyone at SVH. They broke up and now she is trying to reintegrate herself into SVH social scene. I have to say, that’s pretty weak of Abbie. “Oh, I didn’t need you when I had a boyfriend, and now that I’m alone, I’ll make the effort.” Of course, her dream is to hang out with the Scooby gang, who kind of finds her annoying. SWhe’s not invited to Cara’s super special birthday lunch at the yacht club (what is she, 67?) and is devastated. She does, however, enter the humor contest with a comic strip called Jenny, about a socially awkward sixteen year old girl. Get it? She can’t express her feeling through real life, so she does it through the comic strip. OMG SO DEEP. bbir comes and hangs out at the Wakefields every afternoon and Elizabeth helps her with her comic strip. How?

But Abbie didn’t want to burden Elizabeth with her problems. That wasn’t the way to make friends, she reminded herself. The way to make friends was to be nice to people, to listen to them, to offer the help them, not to dump your own troubles on their shoulders. Abbie thanked Elizabeth warmly for all her help and sighed as she watched her walk down the hallway. She wished she were Elizabeth Wakefield- she was so popular, so self-assured.

Since Steven is always around, he befriends Abbie too, because he loves hanging out with high school girls. Abbie is so sweet and kind, he tells her all about his problems with Cara. Abbie foams at the mouth because she hangs with the Wakefields. Jessica is suspicious, and suspects Abbie is trying to steal Steven from Cara. Yawn.

5. A ghost of Tricia Martin haunts Steven. So, in order to add mystery to the relationship, Cara starts writing anonymous love notes to Steven on floral stationary. But guess what? It’s the same magical wonderful stationary that perfect wonderful brave Tricia used to have. What are the odds? Steven thinks its someone playing a joke on him. Turns out it was Cara, and they laugh about the whole thing and promise to be more open and communicative with each other. Except until they get engaged when neither of them wants to get married. Not to speak ill of the dead, but what was so great about Tricia? Her pale, luminescent skin and her thin figure (caused by the Leukemia?)

Once everything is straightened out, the whole gang realizes they were not treating Abbie all that great. They all make a pilgrimage to her house and declare how awesome she is, and Elizabeth tells her that her cartoon Jenny won the humor competition. It’s the happiest day of Abbir’s life! Except that we never see her again after this book. Typical.

The Stolen Diary, as performed by the cast of Battlestar Galactica


[cover photo from The Closet]

Cast:

Caprica Six as Jessica

Natalie as Elizabeth

Lee “Apollo” Adama as Todd

Gauis Baltar as Kris Lynch

Samuel Anders as Mr. Collins

Hi Todd, I missed you at lunch! We were supposed to feed each other french fries!

God woman, you’re suffocating me! We should see other people! Namely, I should start dating Peggy, who just wants to make out and doesn’t want to tie my balls up with a gold lavaliere and lead me around.

Well, two can play at that game!

Ah, Liz, I know I’ve never been mentioned before this, but I’m Kris Lynch and  I work at the Oracle and have been masturbating to your Eyes and Ears column all year.

Ok, let’s go out and go to the dance together! That’ll show Todd!

Ah Liz, I am so glad you decided to go out with me. I’ve been dreaming of this moment forever.

Did you just inhale oxygen? Todd does that when he breathes! Speaking of there he is! Omg! He’s dancing with Peggy! I can’t take it!

Then let’s get out of here and go to Miller’s Point!

Um, I’d rather not. In fact, I don’t like you?

WHAT? You little tease! I know you like me! I’m going to force you to make out with me!

Let me go! Although I think this is my fault for leading you on, you’re a creep! You don’t even go to football games! What kind of freak are you?

FINE! You’ll be sorry.

Hey everyone, your midterm is postponed because there is some gossip about the Wakefields. Apparently, Kris Lynch and Elizabeth Wakefield are going out and apparently she goes to second base. Whatever, that’s old news to me.

Omg! I can’t believe everyone is talking about me! And Kris keeps telling my friends about the secrets I swore not to tell anyone! Oh, on an unrelated note, I can’t find my diary! But anyway, I WONDER HOW HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!

I’ll get to the bottom of this. I’ll bet Kris Lynch stole Liz’s diary. I know this because the title of this book gave away the plot twist.

Jessica, Enid, Todd I am sorry that I blackmailed Liz and tarnished her reputation after I tried to force her with violence to have sex with and she refused. It was just a goof! Will you forgive me?

Well, okay, I guess it happens to the best of us. Let’s just laugh it off over a double-cheese bacon and ham pizza!

Kris: Okay, but what are you gonna order?

All: HAR HAR HAR HAR! [All link arms and skip to the pizza place.]

The Big Night- the prom they’ve been waiting fourteen years for where everyone acts like a complete sociopath and I can’t believe I fucking read this whole thing

Elizabeth shook her head, fresh tears streaming down her face. “But it’s prom night…and I’ve ruined it! Because I’m such a ba-bad person.” She swiped at the moisture soaking her eyes and cheeks, knowing she was probably smearing mascara all over her face but not caring. What did it matter now? Bit by bit she ripped the tissue in pieces, watching morosely as the scraps fluttered to the floor. Just like her chances with Todd and Devon, the tissue was shredded and mangled.

I’ve always been a fairly advanced reader, but seriously this whole Sweet Valley High project is seriously making me dumber. The writing above makes Stephenie Meyer look like Tolstoy.

Really, in order to be a ghost writer, you’d think a requirement would be to at least be familiar with the other books. So we won’t get something like this which makes no sense and rehashes almost 30 other book plots.

But, kudos to making this about the junior prom! We’ve made some progress in our completely illogical timeline! No worries that a Jungle Prom already happened and Jessica’s beloved died after it and Elizabeth was almost given the electric chair. Nah, it wasn’t even mentioned despite some of the prom stuff triggering that. But our twin femme-bots have much more to worry about.

This is part of a five-part miniseries [good lord] and this is the second book, and apparently in the book before this, Liz and Todd break up (no you guys, for realsies this time!) and she starts going out with Devon Whitelaw, a poor little rich boy with a motorcycle. Wait, a MOTORCYCLE? Didn’t Liz, uh have some issues with that, say 130 books ago? never mind that. Of course Jessica wanted him for herself, but he preferred Liz. What else is new? Jessica should have cried rape on him like she did with Todd, because that worked so well last time. No, I’m not being sarcastic. She and Todd actually did have some flings, no?

Meanwhile, Lila and Jessica don’t have dates, and they interviewed guys but both liked the same guy but promised each other they wouldn’t ask the guy, but they both did behind each other’s backs because they are heartless nasty bitches. This guy, Jordan, is awesome because he called shenanigans on them and dumped them both. So for Lila, this is the worst thing in the world for her. For Jessica, she decides to steal someone’s date. Just another day in the life of these horrible wenches.

Meanwhile, on Friday afternoon, Elizabeth was out doing something and Jess was home to take Devon’s message that he would meet Liz at the restaurant instead of Secca lake. Jess is too busy getting ready to remember to tell her. So Liz is waiting like a sad sack at Secca Lake, and Tood shows up because he wanted to go there and think about all the good times he had with Liz. Of course, they get back together and Liz is all fuck Devon, he stood me up and decides to go to the prom with Todd. [smacks forehead] Gah Liz, you were making so much progress with breaking up with him!

Jessica decides to go to the restaurant to explain things to Devon but takes one look at him and her loins vibrate and she decides to be Liz for the evening and at the end of the night Devon will be so in love with her that he won’t care that she tricked him. She acts all Jessica and they head out to the prom. Meanwhile, when they get there she runs into Liz with Todd, and hatches a plan. She convinces Liz to let Devon think she is Liz, therefore she won’t hurt Devon’s feelings and Liz can also be with Todd. Liz, supposedly being the sensible one, agrees.

Back the fuck up. Soooo many stupid things about this.

So what will Liz do at the end of the night? Date them both? Think that they won’t ever find out about each other?

Will they not see each other at the same prom, supposedly dancing with “Elizabeth”?

Apparently, their personalities don’t matter, because no one can ever tell what twin they are with. This is what annoys me about the twin switch- apparently people are so enraptured with their looks, that they don’t seem to notice the person has no idea about any past conversations. Hey, if Margo and Nora pulled it off, go to town.

Yea, so as you can imagine, it doesn’t work out. Lila is so pissed that Jessica is with Devon and that she doesn’t have a date, she decides to tell Devon the plan, and Devon feels like a total ass, so he yells at Liz, and so does Todd. Waaaaahhhhhhh! Liz runs off and Enid of course is right behind her, foaming at the mouth about the thought of comforting her.

Meanwhile, Courtney Kane, who we know is evil because she is wearing a slutty dress, is pissed because Todd dumped her for Liz. For like the third time. Oh Court, when will you learn that the Wakefield twins poop rainbows? She and Lila hatch a plan to make them miserable and Lila can get with Devon. Apparently this plan includes locking the twins plus Enid and maria Slater in a tool shed while the rest of the class goes on a yacht for the after prom party (all paid for by the school, mind you).

Finally the Scooby gang gets out of the shed and they miss the yacht launch, and here is where the book turns into a Michael Bay film. Liz and the gang jump into a speed boat and Liz drives the thing at like 90 miles an hour and they catch up with the yacht and they see Courtney push Todd over the edge. Liz of course jumps off the boat to save him, and pulls him to safety. She is more concerned that he will then profess he undying love to her instead of him being alive. He gives her the brush off and she bursts into tears again.

What would a Sweet Valley prom be without deranged killers, high speed boat chases and a Liz and Todd fight?

Also, I want to note that Enid’s date was Blubber Johnson. And he’s kind of a moron.  Maria Slater’s (who is she? Another Liz disciple?} goes with a black model named Tyler Becksmith, obviously supposed to be Tyson Beckford. Ah, the late nineties.

This Devon Whitelaw character is so entranced with Liz that he’s kind of scary stalkerish. And he may be even more of a tool than Todd. “You have a way with words, Ms. Wakefield. The next thing you know, you’ll be spouting poerty. maybe you’ll even write a special poem abouyt our first dance together and read it to me by the beach one night.”

A Sorta Fairy Tale; #91 In love with A Prince

Dana: Ugh! Everyone is fawning all over the Prince of Santa Dora that has come to Sweet Valley. I’m so disgusted. Because I’m an individual.

Prince Arthur: My oh my! Dana is such a spunky American woman! She’s getting my royal britches in a bunch.

Dana: I am a spunky individual! Therefore, I need to totally hate on aristocracy!

Mr. Collins: Great! I was too busy fondling a lock of Elizabeth’s hair last night to do lesson plans, so let’s host a debate! Prince Arthur, I’m not sure why you are even in class, since you are just visiting. But I guess I’ll go with it to advance the plot.

Dana: Oh, the Prince totally pwned me in the debate. But what is this I’m feeling?

Prince Arthur: Oh Dana, I am so glad that you now like me. And how flattering that you are wearing the flag of my home country as an outfit.

Dana: Oh this dress? I got it on sale at Dress Barn.

Prince Arthur: Oh never mind. Will you marry me?

Dana: Oh yes, of course! And everyone totally supports it! Nevermind that I’m sixteen, since you are rich it’s all good!

Lila: Since I was just almost raped in the last book, I have to act as a desperate, torn woman and creepily stalk Prince Arthur and force him to pay atrention to me. To get back at Dana, I will reveal the Prince’s secret: that he must announce his engagement before he turns seventeen! He was just settling on Dana!

Dana: No! I’ll never love again! I hate Prince Arthur!

Dana: Prince! I had to see you before you left! And because this book’s plot really had no focus, so we have to wrap things up in the last few pages!

Prince Arthur: Oh, Dana, your American spunkiness has taught me so much. I will stand up to my whole country and abolish this archaic tradition. Thank god for the people of Sweet Valley to tell me how to run my country!

Dana: Ok, one second I was ready to marry you, now I’m fine with you leaving! I guess I’ll have to count on getting a part in a Super Edition to see you again.

————

Seriously, I have to give them credit: Dana and Prince Arthur are one of the only couples in SVH that actually have interesting things to talk about- they actually talk about politics and even a bit about each other. Although, Prince Arthur talks like a 60-year-old butler. Of course, Todd gets all jealous because he’s Liz’ pen pal (seriously, they actually referenced something that happened in a Twins book. And there was a even a mention of the Unicorns!). Jessica is vile, and so convinced that the Prince will fall instantly in love with her and doesn’t give a fuck about hitting on the Prince right in front of Sam. Lila’s a mess, because she can no longer have a functional relationship because she was dumb enought to almost get herself raped. Sigh.

Lynne Henry makes an appearance! I thought she disappeared. She hangs out with The Droids and writes songs. She wrote one for the Prince called “Rule my World”. And Dana sings it to the Prince. Do they actually charge for gigs? Or do they just drop everything when Lila has a party?

Dana = still really boring. For a singer of a band, I couldn’t give less of a shit about her.

#129 Cover Girls

Cover Girl? What?

Oh, Cover Girls. Damn.

There’s a two-week minibreak at SVH so the students can take two-week internships. Actually, not a bad idea, Chrome Dome, it’s good to give these kids a slice of the real world. Except it would make for a boring series if the twins were REAL interns- making photocopies and staring at a computer. I’ll give you my opinion about interns- if they don’t have a specific role or position, they are really a pain in the ass. I was at a previous job when I supervised several interns and it was actually way more work for me to give them things to do, and when I did, they complained it wasn’t enough substance. What did they expect, they weren’t getting paid! Ugh. Anyway, I’ve uncovered the ads that the twins answered when looking for their internships.

EDITORIAL INTERN

Looking for an aspiring writer, who despite turning up their nose at fashion mags, suddenly will attach their lips to the ass of anyone that works in the editorial department. Preferred qualifications: someone who is so full of themselves that when they pitch an idea, and it is not immediately the cover story for the magazine, will pitch a fit and feel like they are not being appreciated. Will neglect friends and boyfriends because she actually believes she will get a job at Flair if she works hard enough. Will ignore needs of friends because she thinks her internship is superior. Will automatically be given the job if she can manage to finagle her boyfriend to visiting her at work and he magically is offered a job as a model and then throws jealous fits when he talks to supermodels. Send resume and cover letter. No calls please.

And Jessica’s , um…”Internship”

PHOTOGRAPHER’S ASSISTANT

World-famous fashion photgrapher Quenton Berg looking for an underage girl to be his personal slave. Must be willing to hatch a plan to seduce him in order for him to make her a model. Must endure humiliating tasks and put up with a supermodel’s bitchy antics. Preferred qualifications: must flaunt their goods with a poor lowly mailroom clerk in order to create love triangle. Will stop at nothing to be noticed as a supermodel.

I wasn’t too thrilled about this one at first because quite frankly the cover makes me want to punch someone in the face. The Daniel twins always looked like 35 year old porn stars to me. Also, what does it have to do with anything? Liz is also wearing a three-year old’s bathing suit. Although it does remind me of when sunflower patterns were all the rage. I maaaayyyy have had a sunflower babydoll dress that I maaaayyy have worn with bike pants and Doc Martens.

But seriously! How do they come up with this stuff! Of course, even at Flair magazine, everyone clamors over the twins despite being two-week only high school interns. It’s like the Hills, where they are magically handed glamorous jobs and talk about absolutely nothing but themselves. And what happened to Ingenue magazine? At least Flair mag is actually in LA.

And isn’t it just like SV for someone to be discovered as a model in two seconds flat? And Todd totally gets to march around in a skimpy Speedo, and Liz is kind of disgusted. And apparently sexual harassment is on the menu at Flair. While Jessica is napping, the mail room guy makes out with her. And Jessica shuts herself in the darkroom with Quentin and makes out with him so he won’t know who it is.

However innocuous, this quote really cracked me up. “As they walked to Todd’s car he chatted excitedly about the possibility of modeling for Quentin- studiously avoiding any mention of Simone, Elizabeth noticed. She had never seen Todd look so happy and alive. And she never felt so rotten.” O rly Liz? Being jealous of Todd working with a supermodel makes you feel the most rotten ever? Even more than when you were kidnapped and almost raped? And when you were held at gunpoint several times? Or attacked by a werewolf? Or when you got drunk and killed your sister’s boyfriend and was on trial for murder? Yea. those don’t even compare.

Raise your hand if you are soooo over Todd and Liz cheating on each other and/or getting jealous and/or fighting in every g-damn book.

Shouldn’t this be a super chiller?

Photobucket

The Ghost of Tricia Martin: A Play in Two Acts

Act 1

[Scene 1: Lisette’s Boutique]

Andrea: Woooooooooo!!! I’m a ghost!!! Whooooooooo! Of Tricia Martin!!!!!! WhooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooo

Steven: Your haunting beauty and nondescript personality reminds me of my dead girlfriend!

Andrea: WhooooOOOOOOOoooooooo

[Scene 2: on the phone]

Cara: Hi Steven!

Steven: Fuck you bitch, why are you so annoying? You’re not Andrea! Go away! I hate you!

Cara: Oh my god! This is all my fault? What did I do wrong???

[Scene 3: At the aquarium]

Andrea: So what are we doing for lunch?

Steven: THAT’S AMAZING! TRICIA LIKED LUNCH! This is such a coincidence.

Andrea: Ok, whatevs, can we just go?

Steven: AMAZING! Tricia also spoke English! I can’t believe my Tricia is back for me! Steven: Andrea, I am going to give you a test now to see if you are like Tricia or not….so I am thinking of taking hang gliding lessons….

Andrea: Ok, whatever…so as I was saying…

Steven: OMG! Tricia would have totally supported me in my desire to randomly hang glide! It’s a miracle!Also, can you wear your hair down and put on this ruffly shirt?

Andrea: Um, why?

Steven: Because it will make you look like Tri….it will make you look good.

[Scene 4[At hang gliding lesson]

CRASH!

Steven: Ouch!

—-

Act 2

[Scene 1:At the hospital]

Steven: Oh, Andrea, swo glad you can visit…that means you are really in love with me.

Andrea: Actually, my boyfriend is waiting for me outside. You creep me out, kinda. Stop trying to make me wear a dead girl’s clothes.

Steven: Um, okay. Shit, I should have been nicer to Cara.

—-

[Scene 2: Later that day at the hospital]

Steven: Cara, I know I cheated on you and treated you like shit, but now that Andrea dumped me, I figured I should probably try to win you back as my backup plan.

Cara: Because having a spine is not hot in Sweet Valley, I will take you back! Besides, it was my fault!

Steven: How so?

Cara: I don’t know, just give me a tender kiss!

[FIN]

Postscript:

Seriously, the ghostwriter was phoning this one in. And everyone say it with me on the count of three: STEVEN, GO BACK TO COLLEGE! Stop hanging around the mall and picking up chicks. Oh, but wait, they conveniently had him “taking time off” to work on an independent study project. At least they tried to give an explanation. As if that ever happens during the semester— all your classes agree to stop for an independent project? I guess they were banking on young girls not understanding how college works. Or something.

What were the twins doing? Being super annoying, of course! Liz of course was shaking a finger at Steven trying to tell him what to do. Jessica was annoyed at Cara for being depressed about Steven because it took the attention of her and she was being a drag. Jessica also met a guy at a beach party who was a crunchy lefty hippy but went for him just to prove she could. He was all into pamphletting, going to council hearings, on environmental issues, watching documentaries and playing the guitar and actually talking about world issues. Of course, this was played for comedic effect, and Jessica ends up dumping him because he is JUST SO BORING. Seriously, with Jessica in this one, bewtween getting mad at Cara for being a “drag” and with this guy, it could go either way…it’s a wink from the ghost writer to show how obnoxious Jessica was or it is played without any satire….maybe I am putting too much hope in SVH ghostwriters.