Cara and Steven vie for the title of most irritating couple. Ever.

Photo courtesy of The Closet.

This one has me 100% convinced that each writer makes no effort to read the previous books. Or the editors suck. Or else they don’t care. I hate Cara and Steve.

Star commenter Rio pointed this out for an earlier book, but this one is basically a to-do list of SVH cliches.

1. Jessica manipulates other people to serve her. Despite wanting them to get together originally, she finds Cara boring and always talking about Steve, and doesn’t like it. She convinces Cara that she needs to play hard to get and addm mystery to the relationship. Thus backfiring. And thus Jessica not having to take any responsibility for it.

Steven Wakefield today.

2. Steven has a phobia of college. Get this- he’s sick and arranges to come home for two weeks because HE HAS ALLERGIES. My theory is that the wet the bed the first night of college and the guys in the dorm constantly berade him. Cara is stoked to spend time with him but he acts all annoyed because he has work to do. Yea, I'[m sure a guy would come home for college for two weeks and NOT want to spend time with his underage girlfriend who is constantly rubbing up against him.

3. The Oracle is apparently the most important journalistic medium in the world. Oh noes! Readership is down. They decide that they need a humor section. Don’t worry, they ask Winston to be the editor. He turns them down. They decide to have a contest for a new humor columnist. Cue convenient plot device to introduce Abbie Richardson.

Abbie' future cartoon career.

4. A poor pathetic schmuck is taken under Elizabeth’s wing. Abbie Richardson dated a guy from another school for two years, and thus never hung out with anyone at SVH. They broke up and now she is trying to reintegrate herself into SVH social scene. I have to say, that’s pretty weak of Abbie. “Oh, I didn’t need you when I had a boyfriend, and now that I’m alone, I’ll make the effort.” Of course, her dream is to hang out with the Scooby gang, who kind of finds her annoying. SWhe’s not invited to Cara’s super special birthday lunch at the yacht club (what is she, 67?) and is devastated. She does, however, enter the humor contest with a comic strip called Jenny, about a socially awkward sixteen year old girl. Get it? She can’t express her feeling through real life, so she does it through the comic strip. OMG SO DEEP. bbir comes and hangs out at the Wakefields every afternoon and Elizabeth helps her with her comic strip. How?

But Abbie didn’t want to burden Elizabeth with her problems. That wasn’t the way to make friends, she reminded herself. The way to make friends was to be nice to people, to listen to them, to offer the help them, not to dump your own troubles on their shoulders. Abbie thanked Elizabeth warmly for all her help and sighed as she watched her walk down the hallway. She wished she were Elizabeth Wakefield- she was so popular, so self-assured.

Since Steven is always around, he befriends Abbie too, because he loves hanging out with high school girls. Abbie is so sweet and kind, he tells her all about his problems with Cara. Abbie foams at the mouth because she hangs with the Wakefields. Jessica is suspicious, and suspects Abbie is trying to steal Steven from Cara. Yawn.

5. A ghost of Tricia Martin haunts Steven. So, in order to add mystery to the relationship, Cara starts writing anonymous love notes to Steven on floral stationary. But guess what? It’s the same magical wonderful stationary that perfect wonderful brave Tricia used to have. What are the odds? Steven thinks its someone playing a joke on him. Turns out it was Cara, and they laugh about the whole thing and promise to be more open and communicative with each other. Except until they get engaged when neither of them wants to get married. Not to speak ill of the dead, but what was so great about Tricia? Her pale, luminescent skin and her thin figure (caused by the Leukemia?)

Once everything is straightened out, the whole gang realizes they were not treating Abbie all that great. They all make a pilgrimage to her house and declare how awesome she is, and Elizabeth tells her that her cartoon Jenny won the humor competition. It’s the happiest day of Abbir’s life! Except that we never see her again after this book. Typical.

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Steven’s Bride: The Condensed Version

[Cover courtesy of The Closet]

Steven: Oh noes! Cara is moving to London!

Jessica: Why don’t you marry her? That way she won’t have to move.

Steven: What a great idea! Jess, your ideas always work, so I will do it!

Steven: Cara, will you marry me?

Cara: Marriage! That means my own apartment, I can have parites when I want and stay up as late as I want! Why yes Steven!

Lila: Cara, we are throwing you a bridal shower. Any excuse to throw a party at my house. My housekeeper gets bored so I have to give her stuff do do.

Amy: Here, I got you a sexy negligeee!

Cara: Gulp. Oh yea, I guess if we are married, I have to have sex with Steven. I had not thought of that until just now.

Jessica: Here! I got you dishes!

Cara: Gulp. Oh yea, I guess if I get married I have to have responsibilities and do housework. I hadn’t thought of that until now.

Steven: Whoa is me. I just got into a the pre-law program at college but I can’t do it because I have to get a part time job to support Cara and our shitty apartment. I really think this marriage is a bad idea but I’m just not going to say anything.

Cara: Yikes. I’m afraid to get married because I’m young and it is pretty much a felony so I am just not going to say anything.

Jessica and Elizabeth: We are going to do something we never do: go to our parents when we need help.

[The Wakefield fam stop the wedding just in time for Cara to get cold feet at the altar.]

Cara: Apparently, I do have to move to London because my character is probably too boring for this series.

Jessica: I am a sociopath devoid of all human empathy so I’m actually not that sad that my supposed best friend is moving.

Elizabeth: I am awesome because I totally know what’s right for everyone.

Steven: I’m a massive tool.

The End.