Mean People Suck.

[Cover from The Closet]

So, Enid’s grandmother movies in with Enid and her mom and…


Yea really, it’s that bad. There’s a reason that this was one of the first books I found but put off reading it. Grandma Rollins, who throughout the book is referred to as Mrs. Langeven, which really annoyed me, moves in after her husband dies, and proceeds to act like a manipulative self-centered wench. Enid feels bad and drops plans with her friends and her boyfriend Hugh to spend with her co-dependent grandmother. Gram, ehm, excuse me, Mrs. Langevin, sees the error of her ways after one outburst from Enid and decides to move back to Chicago. Case closed. The end. Whatever, I don’t even need to go into detail. (Although props to Ms. L for saying that Liz seems bossy.)

The subplot is infuriating. Susan Stewart’s famous director father (wow, she’s mentioned again?) has too much time on his hands, I guess, and sponsors a documentary film making contest. The Scooby gang decides to enter and make a documentary about…what else…. A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE TOWN OF SWEET VALLEY. You love it, it’s wonderful. Of course, Jessica is the host, and of course what’s featured is the beach and all the students of SVH. Of course, there’s no mention of the poor shitty area where Betsy Martin lives and where the Good Friends cult house is, or the Shady Lady. During one taping, Winston Egbert comes out of a joke shop (yes, in Sweet Valley it is possible for a joke shop to thrive) wearing an arrow through his head and follows Jessica around and stands behind her in the shots. Omg, he is HILARioius! He should be a comedian! They have a world premiere at the Wakefield’s split-level house, but then…the winner is never announced? This writing is so sloppy.

What I want to talk about is the very weird friendship between Liz and Enid. I know people have joked that they are lesbionic for each other, but I’m not really referring to that. Best friends in high school, no matter what “type” you are, share private jokes and laugh a lot. I mean, at any age, that’s what a best friend is. They just don’t do that. Enid’s whole world revolves around Liz, and doesn’t really have any other friends. They go to craft fairs and play recorders together. Whenever Enid is upset I half expect Liz to run over, whip out a boob, and start nursing Enid. Check out this exchange.

Elizabeth and Enid found an empty table [at the Dairi Burger] across the room and sat down gracefully. “You stay here,” Enid suggested, instantly rising to her feet, “and I’ll go get us some sodas. It’s so crowded today we’d probably lose the table if we both went. ” Elizabeth grinned up at her friend. “Ok- make it my usual, bartender. ” “One root beer, coming up!” With a salute, Enid turned and picked her way across the popular after-school hangout.

Shut up. Just shut up.

In other news, please read my column in the Oakland Examiner.

Yea, because that’s the most logical explanation.

[photo from The Closet]

Andrea Slade is the new girl, that’s who. Instead of Liz putting her hand on her shoulder, we have the other option, Jessica looking with such hatred that it may cause the person to try to kill themselves. However, love Andrea’s “bish plz” look.

So Andrea Slade is the new girl, and her appearance causes many an internal monologue.

  • Liz: Oooooo!!! A new girl! I must insert myself directly up my ass and help her! New girls are usually a pathetic mess, so it can be a project for me! Plus, I am getting bored of this Enid girl who keeps following me around.
  • Nicholas Morrow: Thank god there’s a new girl in the junior class! I’ve dated my way through all the high school girls, and I thought for a minute there I would have to date someone my age.
  • Andrea: Oh my god, thank god I moved to Sweet Valley from New York City. I mean, Sweet Valley is so damn perfect people who don’t live here must be jealous!
  • Jessica: Ugh, any new girl is bound to take any attention away from me. I’m going to completely ignore her. Besides, anyone Liz likes must be boring.

Conveniently, this is then first book we hear about Jame Peters, the hunky rock star that makes Lila, Amy and Jessica squirm in their panties. Conveniently, hmmm, Andrea is secretive about her father…and conveniently, Jamie Peters mentions that he’s going to move to a small town in Southern California.

If you are not a complete moron, you’ll figure out that Jamie is Andrea’s father. She wants to keep it a secret because people will treat her differently when they know her father is famous. I’ve learned this lesson from watching numerous episodes of Hannah Montana. Not only that, it must be weird and icky to hear people mention all the time that they find your father hot. However, from the way he is described, Jamie Peters appeared in my mind as the douchey singer of Puddle of Mudd.

After spying on Jamie Peters’ backyard, the bitch trifecta (Lila, Jessica, Amy) see Andrea hanging out at the house and jump to the conclusion that Andrea is Jamie’s underage girlfriend. Yea, because that makes the most sense? You’d think that being his gf would make Andrea more popular and the envy of the other girls, but in bizarro Sweet Valley World, this makes her someone worthy of being burned at the stake. Because she is judged for supposedly having sex.

So everyone finds out, and Andrea runs away to sit forlornly at the marina, and then who does Jamie call for help- ELIZABETH! Because he’s heard Andrea talk about her new friend Elizabeth a lot. Barf. Nicholas ans Liz find her, bring her back and they all hang out at Casa Peters and make nicey nice with Jamie.

is Andrea never mentioned again? She is another blond, pretty nice girl, who in my mind is played by the same actress as Heather Sanford. She really should tell people Jamie Peters is her father, because really there’s nothing else about her that screams interesting personality.

Also, a funny secondary storyline, and I mean for real ha ha funny, is that Lila decides she’s going to be a musician and is working with a hippy drippy music teacher who tries to find an instrument that speaks to her, which is the marimba. Lila gets all into it and forces Jessica and Amy into listening to her play all the time, and they give her shit for it. I know it doesn’t seem funny when I write it, but seriously, it’s nice to see some scathing humor make into these books.

And do we ever hear about Jamie Peters again? I am surprised he doesn’t write a song dedicated to Elizabeth and her kind heart. Maybe he can perform at a school dance and give the Droids the night off for once.