Love is blind or #60, That Fatal Night

Whoa boy. What an SVH. It’s like a combo of every other SVH story: an accident, a handicap, an unpretty brunette. First of, what the hell was fatal about the night? No one died. Someone was just blinded, temporarily. But I am giving it away.

Jimmy really likes this pose. See exhibits A and B. Can Ken make any other expression?

Amy Sutton is vile. She has her sights set on Ken Mathews and is all up in him during the big game and the after party at her house. Meanwhile, shy Terri has a thang for Ken. We know that Terri is a sad sack of shit because she’s brunette and not a Wakefield. Actually, she seems to have an okay life. She’s a statistician for the football team, and has a solid group of friends including Jennifer Mitchell and John Pfeiffer (okay, so this was BEFORE he was a rapist). But, of course she pines for Ken because of his DYNAMIC personality. So Amy’s party winds down around midnight (wtf? these kids are losers) and situations make it so Ken ends up giving Winston, Maria and Terri a ride home. Terri is in the car alone with Ken, and they say two sentences each and it’s the greatest moment of Terri’s life. Ter, you need to get out more. It’s also raining pretty hard, and Terri asks Ken to wait until the rain stops, but Ken decides to go. On the way he is hit by a drunk driver. (Was it Mr. Martin? He is the official town drunk.)

Who of course notices that Terri is pining during the party and takes it upon herself to go solve her problems for her? I don’t even need to tell you. In fact, Liz is LISTENING outside the bathroom door as Terri is crying.

Liz, Todd and Jess see the accident on their way home. Liz doesn’t seem all that upset considering she supposedly just ended her secret affair with Ken. Oh right, that was added in later, randomly.

He wakes up at the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital and it turns out he is blind, His life is over! God forbid you have to live differently-abled! Unless you’re attractive, of course. Amy freaks out and doesn’t want to see him. Ken goes to rehab and its a very Regarding Henry moment. In a month he is perfectly capable of anything and is ready to head back to school. No disrespect, but it prolly takes more than a month…but of course Ken has a magical rehab therapist that changes his life.

Terri wants to visit him while he is in rehab, but can’t decide what to do, so she decides to call Liz Wakefield, who practically wets her pants with the idea of helping Terri. So they go visit Ken at rehab. Later, Terri and Ken hang out and Terri helps him with everything. It’s all At First Sight, except this makes that look Oscar-winning. Ken doesn’t allow himself to feel things for Terri because…I don’t know. It’s not explained. Maybe because Ken is a complex guy. Pshaaaahh right.

So Terri wants to “see” what it is like to be blind, so she blindfolds herself for an hour in her house and stumbles around like a fool. ARGH. I hate this idea that visually impaired people are completely helpless and stumble around. In my work I do workshops on ableism and someone always suggests that we do an exercise where someone blindfolds someone and takes them around for a day, and I LOATHE the idea. Like if you are differently able, you are hopeless and not self-sufficient. What did Terri learn from the exercise? Being blind is HARD. And she appreciated the sound of chirping birds in her backyard, which she took for granted. Terri’s not too bright.

Then she and Ken have a random fight because Terri grows a spine and says she can’t do everything for Ken and then they realize they love each other and Ken takes the bus all by himself to their favorite beach and we get the magical end kiss that always closes a SVH dilemma. Just like Lynne, her self-esteem is restored by that one kiss. Oh, also, Ken starts to see the sunrise which indicated he is getting his sight back. They also never say what causes the blindness. Brain damage? Is it possible to be blind temporarily?

The whole storyline totally reminded me of my favorite Little House episodes. ‘Member when Mary goes blind and she sulks around and her parents are fed up and ship her off to a blind school in the city, where she still acts bratty but with the love and help of Adam Kendall, she takes over and helps run the blind school? The one that catches of fire and kills her baby? And then they have to move the blind school to Walnut Grove and Mrs. Olsen comes with them through the wilderness, hijinks ensue, and she learns to not be a racist? Then Mary thinks she can see light and dark and she thinks she is getting her sight back but she doesn’t? Damn, what a good show.

Oh, back to the point. What is the moral of this one? If you are not blond and beautiful, the only way your love will be requited is if the guy goes blind. Nice.

Here’s my favorite quote: Jessica says, “”I hate to admit it, but seeing Ken around school with his white cane makes me feel kind of strange.” Elizabeth didn’t know how to respond to her sister’s comment. It wasn’t like Jessica to be so insensitive.” Hello ghostwriters! Do you even READ each other’s books?

Grade: B-

next up: the return of Suzy D.

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Regina’s overdose, or #40 On the Edge

Let’s talk about this cover. Regina? Quite pretty in a “normal” kind of way. Also? Not looking like model material. And the pic of Bruce- is that a headshot? I wouldn’t be surprised if he had some made up. Also, thanks to Merrie who pointed out that Bruce looks like a young John Barrowman.

Good call. Also, Torchwood is pretty good.

Bruce, reverting back t0 his old ways, is fooling around with Amy Sutton. They are working on a project together about teen drug use. (Foreshadowing! Dun Dun Dunnnn…) Regina doesn’t know and Liz decides not to tell her. You could say that’s asinine of Liz, but I have been in the same situation and it is hard to be the bearer of the bad news. (Did I just defend Liz?)

So the Wakefields have a BBQ and Amy and Bruce fool around and everybody knows it is going on and Regina feels like an idiot. She gets mad at Liz for not telling her and basically tells Bruce to shove it. And he does, right up Amy Sutton.

Regina ends up hanging out with Justin Belson, who is a troublemaker with bad grades, who also hangs out with Molly Hecht and some badass named Jan. Honestly, these people actually seem interesting. She is invited to a party at Jan’s house, which will be WILD because Buzz the drug dealer will be there. And he doesn’t get his name from a bumblebee, if you know what I’m saying.Everyone warns Regina that he is bad news. God, they are so judgmental! Like BRUCE is so perfect?

So Bruce and Amy meet with Amy’s cousin Mimi about their drug project. I get the impression that Mimi is a social worker or someone who works in drug rehabilitation, but apparently she’s all that ans a police detective or something. She’s all, “we are hearing about a drug deal that is going to go down at a party with some guy named Buzz”. The fuck? Like there is only ONE drug dealer in all of Sweet Valley?

So Nicholas Morrow gets word about the party and jumps in his car and speeds towards the party. He gets stopped by cops because he was doing, I think, a hundred in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone and doesn’t have his license. He’s all “but there is a teenagers having a party! We must stop them!” Instead of cuffing him right then, the cops are all “we MUST get to that party! You’re right!”My head is in my hands.

Meanwhile, the party is in full swing. it seems WAY more fun that any party that Lila has with her fucking finger sandwiches and dumb decorations. Molly is peeved at Regina for hanging out with Justin, who is her ex-boyf and Regina actually feels bad because she knows the feeling. She wants to come clean with Molly, but big mean Jan decides to give her a hard time, goading her on to snort the cocaine. Regina does like three lines in a row, and I am no drug addict, but I know that is kind of a lot. She goes into cardiac arrest just as the cops and Nicholas burst in.

Okay the Scooby Gang are hanging out at Lila’s when they hear the news. Of course, Regina is kind of conscious for a bit and the first person she asks for is Liz. Because of course, the Wakefields are in the center of EVERYONE’s world, and if course you don’t want to walk into the light without getting one last glimpse of their sun-streaked hair!

Anyway, it’s too late. Regina is dunzo. It seems she suffered from a heart murmur and the cocaine gave her a heart attack. Ok, so, if the ghostwriters wanted to send a “drugs are bad” message, they totally fucked up. It comes across as, “if you are going to drugs, make sure you don’t have a rare congenital heart disease. Otherwise, go for it. Especially if you are ugly.”

Liz gets a letter that Regina wrote to her before she went to the party and mailed it. Who MAILS letters to their friends? Oh yea, this is before cell phones and emails. What would SVH look like with that technology? It forgives liz for everything and practically anoints sainthood on her for being a good friend.

Then, as you know, Justin and Molly become outcasts and of course Liz saves the fucking day.

I find it HIGHLY unlikely that Bruce or Lila have never done coke before.

Also, why is Enid and Liz invited to Lila’s? Don’t they all hate each other?

Speaking of Enid, she is all “I know what it’s like to run with the bad crowd”. Oh yea, like that one time you got a parking ticket? Shut up.

Grade: A-

The one with the artifical intelligence science project, or #36, Last Chance

My god, Amy Sutton is a worthless, disgusting, soul-sucking piece of shit. And the thing is, I am not sure if her high school persona is supposed to be hatelful to the reader, or supposed to personify popularity. Apparently in junior high she was smart and nice and driven, and now she is anything but, and that is really never addressed. My god, even Jessica gets annoyed with her. And that’s saying a lot.

The Clark Kent guy is Peter DeHaven, someone who apparently is the shit at SVH and we are only hearing about him now. He’s a computer science genius, and he’s been accepted to MIT. Funny how he’s totally smart and the gals are all over him, but god forbid a girl does well in school and she’s a hideous dog. Oh, and he maaaaayyyy be wearing pleated jeans. It’s hard to tell. The blonde is Amy, duh. The other gal is Johanna Porter, sister of Julie Porter, the one who was caught up in the pledging mayhem.

Jo dropped out of school because she was failing and had no motivation. Her parents and sister Julie were way into music and she wasn’t, so she felt like the outcast of her family. She had no interest in music, so she felt she wasn’t repected. I actually felt for her a little. Then her mother was killed and felt even more alienated and depressed. She has been working as a waitress at the Whistle Stop which she actually enjoyed more than SVH because the people were real and she felt respected. Honestly, she is better off being there and making an honest living. But, she decides to give school another try. Once she arrives every is all bitchy and judgemental. She chats with Pete, who is a childhood friend, but is also going out with Amy. When Amy is away, he and Johanna hang out, although he only talks about himself and doesn’t seem to care about her. Although, she is starved for attention and sympathy and unfortunately totally falls in lurve with him. However, he is a total dick and won’t break up with Amy. He doesn’t even like her, he guesses it is just easier to be with her.

Meanwhile, guess who is assigned to tutor Jo to help her catch up? That’s right, our resident Ingalls, Miss Liz Wakefield. Not only does she tutor her in school, she tutors her in LIFE! Why the fuck does she always have to tutor people? Ken, Annie, and now Johanna! As if Liz wasn’t sticking her condescending nose into everything already, she goes and confronts Peter about how he is treating Jo. Yea, like she has the right to say how to treat people in relationships.

Finally Peter does realize he really does love Johanna but he is staying with Amy because he is not truly interested in her, so he never has to be vulnerable. Finally after Johanna drops out again, he finds her at the Whistle Stop and professes his love for her, but….she TELLS HIM TO FUCK OFF! And that she needs to get her life together for her, and not for anyone else! Can it be true? Does a character actually grow a spine? I am actually overjoyed that things don’t end up in a stupid cliched happy ending with a kiss.

Meanwhile, for now reason other than she is a manipulative sociopath, Jessica decides that she does not want Cara and Steven to go out anymore. She feels that since she got them together, she OWNS them and has the right to break them up. She makes each of them believe that they are seeing other people. They fight about it and when they realize that it was Jessica that was behind it all, she pulls this shit: “I was only testing you two…if you really loved each other, you’d never fall for any of that stuff I said.” And Steven and Cara bend over and take it. Cara: “She’s right, Steve. We’re really the ones at fault. We should have trusted each other.” And Jessica gets way with it!!!! Why does she get all this validation?

Other stuff:

It seems that every character is soooo beautiful and that has to be mentioned a thousand times. Is there anyone at this school who is NOT beautiful? If so, they never get any airtime. In fact, I think they have to take special classes. Joanna’s “long hair made her look old-fashined, and her eyes were such a beautiful shade of green. That afternoon she was wearing a flowered jumper and a Victorian lace blouse. She had a style all her own, which Elzabeth thought was charming. But she couldn’t help thinking that it was a shame it was that Johanna couldn’t show the same independent style when it came to expressing her ideas.” SHUT UP LIZ! Also, I think I wore that outfit for my secind-grade school pictures.

God, Amy is so dreadful. She hates when Peter talks about his science stuff because it bores her, so she doesn’t allow him to talk about it.

Steven has a math assignment from college that Johanna helps him with. It is pictures of pieces of paper with fold lines and you have to imagine the shape of the final folded project. Wtf is that? It’s like an IQ test. And, suddenly after one chemistry test, the teachers claim that Johanna is gifted and enroll her in collge courses. Wow. SVH has some great assessment tools.

The author uses “computer programs” very loosely here. Peter’s science project is one that he is writing a program for a robot psychologist. It will answer yes or no questions and from the answers determine the patient’s emotional state. Yes. The one part he gets stuck on is how to program it to determine love. And Johanna helps him solve that part too, because what do you know, she’s suddenly a computer whiz. And see what we did there? Johanna “helps” him learn love. Barf.

Of course, there is a dance in this book. A PTA dance. What in the hell does that mean? A PTA-themed dance? A PTA sponsored dance? Why in the hell would anyone go to it anyway? Jess and Cara look real classy. “Jessica fluffed up her hair and admired her leather miniskirt and skimpy white top”. Cara was dressed in “a pair of tight black jeans and a sparkly t-shirt” Actually, that sounds kind of cute. Anayway, I’m still baffled over this PTA dance. The Droids are playing, natch.

Did I mention I hate Amy?

Grade: C

The one where Tom McKay is too gay to function, or #75 Amy’s True Love

Wow, this is crazy! There are characters calling each other out on their faults! And character growth! And accountability for actions! And GAYS!!!!! Of course, within 132 pages all is resolved and homophobia is eradicated, but at least its better than using date rape and parties as a centerpiece of the plot.

We get some Amy Sutton point of view. She thinks her parents ignore her because they are famous (Mom’s a sportscaster and Dad’s a photographer) and she is mad because she thinks her dad likes spending more time with her mother than her. (Wow, and I thought Lila had daddy issues). And I think they are hinting that that is the reason that she seeks approval from men. When her parents ask her what is new, she talks only about boys and nothing else. Mama Sutton tells Amy that she needs to stop being so shallow and start thinking about her future. Yay! A parent doing her job! Take note, Alice Wakefied!

Amy is also failing sociology [hold up. They offer sociology at SVH? I am so jealous. All schools should do this, instead of trying to get everyone to simply regurgitate dates from eurocentric history. You’d think the kids from SVH would be more aware of race/class issues. But why am I even putting faith in the SV public school systems? They practically sponsor orgies and pledging]. For extra credit, the teacher reccomends that Amy volunteer at Project Youth, which I guess is a like a counseling center for troubled youth. Amy doesn’t want anyone to know she is doing it, because it may ruin her image. There is another student, Barry Rork who works there, and of course loves Amy but she thinks he is beneath her because he wears glasses. I think they try to infer that he is Jewish.

So Amy’s solution is…to get a boyfriend. Yes folks, that is how she thinks her parents will take her seriously. This gal needs therapy, stat. Also, Lila and Jessica are being cunts as usual and getting annoyed at Amy for being so self-centered and boy-crazy. I don’t even have to say hypocrite alert. So they freeze Amy out.

So Amy’s target is Tom McKay, tennis player extraordinaire and otherwise nondescriptive jock. Amy tries way too hard and Tom is obvs not interested. Barry is a friend of Tom’s and promises Tom he will try to keep Amy away and promises Amy to help her get Tom. Wheeee! I feel a spin-off rom-com coming on! Although Amy really comes on strong and chases him around and is totally oblivious to the fact that Tom is getting creeped out by her. Heeee! I love it when these broads get rejected.

Meanwhile, Enid’s cousin Jake comes to visit, and everybody loves him, and Jess and Lila try to get with him. And Tom plays tennis with him and when he is with him, he feels warm and fuzzy …down there. Alas, Jake is GAY!!!! I didn’t think that gays existed in Sweet Valley. Or were allowed to set foot in the town. Enid is a big ol’ homophobe when Jake tells her and Tom gets all weird when he finds out because BAM! suddenly he realizes he is gay. So he goes to Pro-Yo (Project Youth, duh) to talk about it and runs into Liz there (she is inerviewing Amy and Barry for The Oracle) and runs into Tom and of course has to meddle and becomes Tom’s informal counselor because she can’t help but stick her fucking nose in everyone else’s problems.

And Amy actually likes working at Pro-Yo and realizes she likes Barry, and Barry has glasses and thus no self-esteem to he settles for being second choice. So she gains some purpose and builds some character. Well, good for her I guess.

Finally Enid realizes that Jake is a person too, and Tom comes out to his friends, and everyone skips of hand in hand into the rainbow-colored sunset.

Thoughts:

Amy was always annoying, but reading this from her point of view made me think she is retarded. As in, actually retarded.

I love how the ghostwriter justifies that Jake is gay: he’s from San Francisco and that he has no attraction to either Lila or Jessica (because if you are guy and you don’t like them, there is no other possibilty…HATE!)

Ugh, the cover. Is that supposed to be Tom? And how does no one know he’s not gay? I think he is wearing foundation. And jeez, Amy looks BUSTED! A little like Sloth from the goonies.

I expected a post-script from Francine talking about how it’s okay to be gay and maybe a hotline, but maybe I expected too much, because all there was some feature on the reader of the month. Shannon Allison from Hawaii claims, “Reading about Regina’s death really taught me about drugs.” BWA! Reading about the twins size six figures gave me an eating disorder, so Shannon, we have something in common.

I’ll bet anyone a sundae at Casey’s that no book ever touches on sexuality issues ever again. Although….

Next time: Sweet Valley holds its first gay pride parade, and Elzabeth is in charge of the committee but falls into conflict when she cheats on Todd with the lesbian co-chair, but of course they make up in the end. Meanwhile, a new gay club opens up in town and Alice is called upon to design the interior, which makes her spend less time at home driving Ned into the arms of a wayward go-go boy. Mr. Collins moonlights as a shirtless bartender which gets him in trouble with the schoolboard, but the kids stage a sit in demanding they let him keep his job. In order to be more inclusive, Liz makes sure she adds gay rumors to her Eyes and Ears column. Meanwhile, Jessica is mistaken for a drag queen and asked to compete in a drag show., which she does just to win but then Lila gets jealous and also enters. At the last minute Jess gets hurt forcing Liz to compete at the last second, thus saving Sweet Valley Pride from cancellation. Bruce heads up the Sweet Valley Committee Against Gay Marriage, but then changes his tune when Tom and Jake ask him to officiate the wedding. Meanwhile, Winston discovers the cure for AIDS.

Grade: A

The one where Amy Sutton returns a changed woman or #27 Bitter Rivals

Wow, I forgot what a disgusting waste of human space Amy Sutton was. So, here we head back to the pettiness and shallowness that is the hallmark af our beloved SVH. It was actually kind of refreshing since the last book was actually proactively positive. Anyway, Liz gets word that Amy Sutton in moving back to SV after she moved to CT fir a few years. Liz is stoked, but Enid starts getting jealous after hearing how fabulous Amy is. Because she feels soooo honored to have Liz as her best friend, and doesn’t want to lose her. Gag.

I love how in the BSC they often describe outfits, but they don’t do that much in SVH except say that Liz wears cardigans and jean skirts, and Jess wears low cut dresses and skimpy bikinis. But this cover alone makes up for it. Enid has a mega-perm! And belted pleated pants (could they be Z. Cavariicci?) Liz has some matching pants! I think the belt is attached to the pants!The polo isn’t bad, it looks kind of hispterish. Amy’s got a wicked pink dress with a matching belt. Sadly, this would pass as pretty retro-stylish right now. In fact, I’m wearing leggings right now. (Shut up! They’re from American Apparel!)

Amy comes back and is not the fun-loving, tomboy that Liz remembers, she is so stylish and pretty and of course, very skinny. She also won’t shut up about all her boyfriends. Amy also doesn’t give a shit about Enid and is mean to her, but Liz doesn’t notice. Finally, at school, Amy is all popular and shit and makes the cheerleading squad and is all bffs with Lila, Cara, and Jessica. She has an actual crowd of admirers that literally follow her around.

If my memory serves me correctly, those three were horrendous towards Amy in the Sweet Valley Twins series. But, just as we learned in Power Play, the best revenge on your enemies is to conform to them and gain their approval. Sigh. If Amy was so fantastic, she should have arrived and when Lila and all them kissed up to her, she could be all fuck off and start her own clique.

Amy keeps standing Liz up and taking her for granted, but Liz is a total pushover and takes it bending over. Seriously, Liz is supposed to be sooo sensitive and a good friend, but practically forgets Enid at the drop of a hat if Amy calls. She and Enid are trying to plan a magical skiing weekend, and Liz insits in inviting Amy, but Amy keeps making them reschedule and Enid is PIIIIIISSSSED. For once, I feel bad for Enid.

So, Lila is having a party (as she does every fucking day) to introduce her friends to her cousin Christopher. Based on pictures and stuff, Amy has declared that she is in LUUUUVVV with him, and Lila plays pimp and decides that Christopher will be Amy’s boyf. It’s a costume party (a-gain) and Liz and Enid both come as skiers…without each other knowing. Theis makes Liz realizes that Enid is her true best friend. Also, it turns out that Christopher and Enid were actually camp counselors together a while back, and hangs out with Enid the whole party. Amy gets mad and confronts Enid and is all, back off bitch, you can’t have Christopher or Liz, they’re both mine. Great, just what SVH needs, another borderline personality disordered evil blond cheerleader. Liz finds out and FINALLY realizes Amy isn’t who she used to be. The moral is…I don’t know.

Other thoughts:

Lila’s parties are always large, catered affairs with themes and like, small, cut-up cucumber sandwhiches and pastries. These sound pretty hot for a Bat Mitzvah, but do you really expect high school students to show up and be okay with the fact that there is no booze? Oh, and Jessica goes as a sexy Cleopatra.

Amy wears a black jumpsuit and black cowboy boots out to lunch. Hawt.

Amy no longer gives a shit about schoolwork, because it takes a lot of time being popular, pretty and thin. Great role modeling, Francine.

Liz is so excited and takes like months planning a brunch with her Amy and Enid….at the Pancake House. Real classy. But then Amy only orders a grapefruit and judges Enid for getting pancakes and bacon.

There is something off about Enid and Liz’ relationship. It’s true that it is great when you have a friend you can talk about your problems with or talk about your life goals or whatever, but that is all Liz and Enid do. Seriously, they could have a little fun sometimes. Or just laugh as stupid shit. They never do. Sounds kind of boring. I’m just sayin’ you need a little of both.

My grade: B

What’s next? I haven’t really decided yet. Maybe the one where the Morrows move to town. Or maybe the one where the two students are engaged. I kind of feel like ragging on Bruce Patman, so maybe one with him in the central story, Or maybe when Todd moves away. The possibilities are endless!

The one where we learn a lesson, or #50, Out of Reach

MEMO

To: ghostwriters
From Francine

Well, despite our best selling storylines that have made me rich by not even picking up a pen, I got some word that we have to add some “diversity” to our books. I am not even sure what that means. Apparently the one about the poor boy who works as a janitor didn’t count. I thought maybe something about Lila’s maid would be fun, maybe a storyline where Lila loses some designer shoes and blames the maid, but that didn’t sit well with my publisher. So I am throwing it out to you all. We should have a dance in there. And maybe a desciption of Lila’s house. Make sure there are no fat people involved. Have it on my desk by Tuesday. If you need me, I’ll be out shopping for taffeta skirts and culottes.

Francine

I was really wanting to hate this one. I mean, it was no literary feat, but it actually had- gasp!- a positive, healthy message. When I read the back cover I was fearing (hoping) that they would use every stereotype under the sun. Well, they did and they didn’t. Jade is Chinese-American and her parents keep her sheltered. Her father is strict and only wants her to interact with other Chinese-Americans. This has made Jade really reserved and shy. Oh, she’s also a good dancer. So, SVH is putting on a dance showcase (uh, why) and Jade auditions and gets the lead, but doesn’t tell her Dad. She also kinda gets cozy with the set director, David Prentiss, who is poor and has a single Mom and has to –GASP!- work a part-time job after school. What a FREAK! Because of the uptight classist wasps at SVH, he keeps it a secret. Jade keeps rejecting his invitations for a date, because her dad doesn’t allow her to date non-Chinese men, but Davey thinks it’s because he’s poor. Star-crossed lovers!

So Jade is all happy that she is involved with the show and it brings her out of her shell and introduces her to a lot of new people. She is rully excited to get to hang out with Liz Wakefield, cuz she’s soooo pretty and popular, Liz is the stage manager, obvs, and acts like typical Liz and a total meddling mother and takes jade under her wing and acts like she’s ten years older. Ugh. Jade doesn’t want people to know about her strict family, especially that her grandparents run a laundry business- because it is so stereotypical, I guess. So, Amy Sutton, mega-sociopath, is toooootally jealous that Jade got the lead over her, finds out about it, and sreads the rumor everywhere. Okay, so they are petty close-minded high school students, but why is this the talk of the school? I know kids can be cruel and incredibly racist, but it disturbs me that SVH would totally alienate someone for this. . But maybe I have too much faith in Chrome Dome’s leadership skills as a principal. You also gotta remember that they gave a crap about Enid and her letters to George and that was the talk of the school.

So, finally Jade’s dad comes around and comes to see her in the show and is really proud. Also, a talent scout for a dance fellowship is in the audience, and offers the opportunity to Jade, but is all, we don’t want someone too…ethnic, you need to change your name. Jade is all, fuck you, take me for who I am or don’t take me at all. That was actually the one moment in SVH where I actually was proud of one of the characters. Jade learns that she should be proud of who she is and her heritage and is all “yea so my grandparents run a laundry business, wanna make something of it?” Like I said, it’s kind of a positive message, I have no criticisms. But wait…I’ll try.

So Jcredibly strict parents do a complete turnaround and let her dance her heart out anywhere and give David their blessings to boink their daughter. That was a little much.

Ick. I can’t stand Elizabeth’s condescending look. Jade is pretty. Nice mock turtleneck, Liz.

Not much Jessica in the book, there’s a stupid side story about how Ned Wakefield has a mid-life crisis over his twentieth high school reunion and tries to act all young. Alice and the twins hatch a plan to help him realize he should be happy about his age. So Jess takes him out with her to the Beach Disco and loud concerts and stuff. So then…oh wait, it’s just so dumb I can’t even get into it.

Other thoughts:

So, David’s set design is a picture of jade dancing, which will go behind Jade when she dances…yea, it’s really stupid.
Fucking Liz. She’s so perfect and give Jade a pep-talk about accepting her identity. Like Liz has ever been oppressed.

They actually give Jade’s Dad a history. He got his doctorate in physics and then worked as a consultant. I’m surprised they didn’t give him a fake university.

On the whole thing about Jade’s dad wanting her to meet more Chinese-Americans- they’re in Southern California for fuck’s sake, not Nebraska. I’m preeeeety sure there may be just a couple Asian-Americans living in the area. Just get her into another school district. Get her out of Sweet Valley while you still can!

Have you ever noticed the obsession with eye color? How many times do we have to hear about their sea-green eyes. Or they are always like “Todd’s brown eyes softened” or “Enid’s green eyes widened.” Amy has grey eyes. To be honest, I am not sure if I have ever met anyone with grey eyes. Then again, I am super-short, so I am usually looking at someone’s chest when I talk to them.

Aaaaaaannnd I am pretty sure jade will never end up in any other books.

My grade: B+

Next time: Bitter Rivals, where Amy moves back to Sweet Valley and we can delve into her complicated psyche.