Preppy jock douchebags have feeings too!

Whoever mentioned that a non-SVH book would be a good palate-cleanser between SVH books is totally right. I’ve been home sick for the past few days and yesterday I read 3 SVHs in a row, and it does have an affect on one’s psyche. So excuse me if I express more rage that snark on this one.

So much hate, so little time. I am not even sure where to start. Should it be on Liz’s all knowing meddling? Her bitchy attitude towards Heather Sanford? The way that everything wraps up so neatly? The COVER? Yea, ok, let’s start there.

Jeffrey looks pretty bangeable there, albeit looking about 32 and like a Ken doll. The other preppy douche is Aaron Dallas, someone we always hear about but don’t really know about. Well, now we get to get inside his head. Oh, and the best for last– Liz, Liz Liz.  Nevermind the matching pink barrettes. We’ll leave those alone. But those elastic-waist chinos with the shirt tucked in. Well, that just writes itself. Her outfit is identical to the one I wore on the first day of second grade. That my mother bought me at Sears.

Aaron’s parents are getting divorced which makes him so MAD inside! He’s so MAD! Why is everyone making him so MAD! Meanwhile, he’s losing his temper and beating everyone up on the soccer field.

And now, the reasons that Liz is a fucking beast in this book.

1. She knows Aaron is Jeffrey’s bff, yet shit talks about him to Jeffrey and tries to tell Jeffrey that he needs to be mad at Aaron and doesn’t support him when he tries to defend Aaron. I think Jeffrey secretly hates Liz, because he gets annoyed with her but with silent annoyance. I love it.

2. Elizabeth acts all annoyed and holier-than-thou with Aaron’s new girlfriend Heather Sanford and gets all put out when Heather tries to befriend her. Because all Heather cares about “are silly things like clothes.” Uh, Liz, because you don’t know ANYONE like that. At a party, Elizabeth makes fun of Heather and does an impression of her speaking babytalk to Aaron. Oh like you NEVER said stupid shit to Todd. HATE.LIZ.SO.MUCH.

3. Liz is covering a soccer game for the Oracle (John Pfeiffer is too busy date raping to write it, I guess) and in the game Aaron hits another player, which will get him kicked off the team if anyone finds out. Because Liz HAS A DUTY AS A REPORTER, she reports it so the school finds out. Jeffrey gets pissed at her, she uses the whole “journalists have an obligation to be objective!” excuse. Jeffrey needs to dump her ass. And she makes Jeffrey defend her to Aaron! HATE HATE HATE!

So anyway, there’s this big intervention moment with Aaron, and they convince him to see the school guidance counselor. After a 10 minute session, all is solved and Aaron is skipping around the school apologizing to everyone he has ever wronged. Crisis solved! Liz and Jeffrey kiss! World peace happens!

So here’s the part that made it all fine for me. Liz and her boring friends are sitting in the stands at the game, and they all ask Liz to do her impression of Heather doing her babytalk. Liz feels a little bad, but the rest of the group does it, and Heather overhears and comes over and does her own impression of Liz. “What did E.W. say that made A.D. so mad?…And they say J.F. avenged his ladylove with stern words. A bout of ferocious fisticuffs followed.” Ok, it could have been more clever, but Heather was totally calling Liz out as a self-absorbed writer snob. So, Heather Sanford kicks ass. Also, she’s totally into clothes because she loves fashion design and sews all her won clothes, and gives Aaron tough love about dealing with his shit. And Liz realizes this too late, and instead of Heather telling her to fuck off, they become friends. Because no one can resist being friends with a Wakefield.

Meanwhile, Jessica tries to sell Tofu-Glo products, but they suck and she forgets to refrigerate them and she cries over her foiled business plan. Elizabeth voice overs, if Jessica did try to sell health and beauty products, she had to be successful because she was so healthy and beautiful, a walking advertisement. VOMIT! And because no Wakefield can ever fail, Ned finds out through his lawyer networking that the company lost a lawsuit, so Jessica would get all her money back. A little failing couldn’t hurt these twins.

[Enid, watching the soccer game with Liz:] “Jeffrey really looks great, Liz. I don’t know how you always manage to get the cutest guy around, but you do.” “Oh you poor thing,” Elizabeth said, teasing her. Remember, you had your chance.” GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

[Jessica has a party to sell the Tofu-Glo to her friends]. Lois Waller, a shy, overweight girl, raised her hand timidly. “Is the dietary supplement part of a diet plan?” Oh, of course the chubby girl is afraid of a diet plan, because it would get in the way of stuffing candy bars in her mouth all day. Fuck you, ghost writers.

[Liz, making Aaron and Jeffrey’s problems all about her, goes to Mr. Collins for advice.] He chuckled. “Liz, why are we having this conversation?” his eyes twinkled again, and Elizabeth grinned. “Maybe I need a little positive reinforcement from an authority figure. “Oh please! Never call me that!” Mr. Collins, I’m gonna go ahead and stop you there, and say that you probably should call youself that more often than you do.

I may as well continue by Liz-fueld rage with today’s poll.

Advertisements

I seem to have a touch of the multiple sclerosis, or Super Edition: Special Christmas

Reeeeediculuuuuuusssss! But, this one reminded me of why I love SVH. As in, truly enjoy it for its own sake. The drama! The intrigue! The scheming!

First of all, I want you to know it took me a lot to do a “Christmas” book. I don’t celebrate it, detest the commercialization of it (I suggest you watch this movie) and am tiring of it being shoved down my throat every year. My current job is the first job I’ve had that has not forced me to take vacation days during the break. Anyway, this is not about me. On with the drahma.

It’s nearing winter vacation, and SVH classes are winding down. In fact, they cancel classes one day to have a Christmas party in the gym. Okay, maybe it is before schools realized the idea of inclusiveness (my elementary school classrooms always had Xmas trees) but canceling classes? They are also doing a secret Santa, and Jessica has her sights set on rubbing her loins on the new German exchange student, Hans. She is convinced that he has her as her SS. but actually he has Lila. Also, Lila and Jessica are competing for the title of Miss Christmastime, which a useless titles sponsored by the town. Probably the same town councilmember that proposes the Miss Teen Sweet Valley. Gross.

Oh, and the Xmas ball is being held at the Patmans. Is everyone invited? All 83 students?

The Wakefields set up their tree and Ned suggests blue and silver decorations. Maybe because he is secretly one of the chosen people? Do the twins even know they are a quarter Jewish? If they found out would the whole school be spreading rumors about it? Would Jessica be kicked off the squad?

Ok, onto the good stuff: the Wakefields find out that Suzanne Devlin is coming to visit again…her last visit was less than good for the frail egos of Sweet Valley. The Wakefield offspring are horrified and they pretend it is because Suzanne was so horrible last time. Really, Liz is mad because Suxanne made a fool of her, Jessica is pissed because someone will potentially out-sociopath her and take the attention away from her. Steven, I am not sure why he is mad. Maybe because Suzanne being around will cause him to spend more time at college, where I’d imagine his parents are paying through the roof for his housing which he is never at.

The Wakefield bunch scheme and scheme…Liz tries calling Suzy to convince her not to come. Jessica plans on…shortsheeting her bed. Steven just sits there and offers no helpful suggestions. Pretty much like always.

Meanwhile Todd is planning a visit home. He will be staying with Ken and the genetically-engineered Matthews family. Firstly, Liz doesn’t blonk an eye at this…considering SHE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH KEN RIGHT AFTER TODD MOVED. Oh, that’s right, they stuck that in after the fact. Liz is nervous about being alone with Todd.

Meanwhile, we get a lil bit from Todd’s perspective, including a flashback to when he was skiing in Killington, Vermont when he ran into Suzy. And one thing led to another and…they took a WALK TOGETHER! I know, totally scandalous. What a whore.

So we also get a brief POV from Alice when she picks up Suzy from the airport. I actually hate when the writers write from the adults’ perspectve. It’s insulting or something. Alice has decided to hide the fact that Suzanne has multiple sclerosis from the twins because Suzanne has asked her to. Of course, the parents in this worls are always at the mercy of the sixteen year olds that tell them what to do. Alice notices that Suzanne looks pale and weak, and that made her look “lovlier than the last time she saw her.” Note to teenage girls: get a serious illness.

Finally, Jessica cooks up a scheme with Aaron Dallas, whom Suzy screwed over last time. Jess makes Aaron invite Suz to a pre-party as his cousin’s house and tells her to meet him there. When, in fact, he will give her the address of a run-down warehouse or something. What? That is the worst they could come up with? Oh yea, this is coming from the twins who once in middle school decided to get back at someone by making them a faulty chair.

So the twins and Suzanne share some champagne before they head out [WAIT, THE TWINS ACTUALLY ARE DRINKING? And they do it like it is no biggie. I am actually kind of proud of them for acting like real teenagers.] Suzanne also takes her new meds and wonders briefly about the interactions. She calls her doctor in NYC to ask him but just leaves a message. Suz heads out in the Fiat and of course passes out while driving and the car flips over or something. She ends up in the hospital and the “look on Todd’s face” was all she needed to know about how he felt about Suzanne, and she is okay with that.

Also, Suzanne’s doctor from New York flies in to see Suzanne. Um, inappropriate much? He also comes to deliver the news that…oh my god, this is the worst plot twist…that she has mono, not MS. Can someone revoke his license immediately? “We’ve been racking our brains all day, and we finally figured out what happened. You see, you had an udetected virus and several months later began to experience a very rare complication from it.” I don’t have a medical degree, but isn’t there a very simple blood test to see if someone has mono? I only know because everytime my nose starts running I am convinced I have mono and demand that my doctor do the test.

So Todd and Suzanne have Liz’s blessing…yea right, like she’s give Todd up that easily.

Oh, and Winston is really Jessica’s secret santa. Yawn. Jessica switches Lila’s Miss Christmastime dress with an elf costume and hilarity ensues. Double yawn.

So many tidbits!

  • Dues for Pi Beta Alpha are seventeen dollars a semester, and Liz complains its too much. YOu know what Liz, then QUIT!
  • Olivia’s secret santa arranged for the swim team to come serenade her in the Dairi Burger wearing only speedos! Hotttt!
  • The Droids were performing at the Beach Disco, and they wrote a song for Todd’s homecoming for him and Liz called “I’ll Wait for You.” Why are the Wakefields in the center of the fucking universe?
  • Aaron Dallas: “Jessica, you should really go into politics. You’re really good at getting people on your side you know that?” Jessica: “What a wonderful way to put it.” Don’t encourage her!
  • When their parents tell the twins about Suzanne’s MS and how she could possibly end up in a wheelchair: “A wheelchair!” Elizabeth exclaimed. As hard as she tried , she couldn’t imagine pretty, vivacious, independent Suzanne trapped in a wheelchair. I know! It is such a tragedy when an attractive person has a disability!

My grade: A++++

p.s. I totally scored at a used book store and got one of the BSC Claifornia Diaries, a Friends Forever book, and other good stuff. Stay tuned.