The first ever Sweet Valley High Tweetup

Sooooo, I have about 15 books left to read in the entire series before. To help get me through it, I thought I would host a tweetup where we can read it at the same time, or you can just follow the tweets!

When: Saturday, May 5
When: 10am-12pm PST
What: Follow me on twitter @robinhardwick, read A PICTURE PERFECT PROM, and livetweet your thoughts using the hashtag #svhtweetup, or just follow the hashtag to read the tweets.

Prepare to snark!

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Hold on to your lavalieres: There’s more Sweet Valley Confidential coming your way.

I stumbled upon this by accident, but it seems that Sweet Valley Confidential will continue as an ebook miniseries.

A pat on the back to the publishers, who I think made a good decision after (what I am assuming) was disappointing sales and reviews of Sweet Valley Confidential. These seem to be mini-books, which is easier to swallow since too much Wakefield fuckery really gets my goat. But enough of stating the obvious, let’s check out the summary for book #1, The Sweet Life (of Zach and Cody?…sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

From Francine Pascal, creator of the bestselling Sweet Valley High series and author of the NY Times bestselling Sweet Valley Confidential, comes the continuing adventures of beautiful blonde twins Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield in an exciting new six-part e-serial, The Sweet Life.

Three years after the events of Sweet Valley Confidential, Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield are back in Sweet Valley and inseparable once more. Things are looking up for both twins: Elizabeth is a star reporter at the LA Tribune with a popular blog, and Jessica’s PR career is on the fast-track.

Oh god. Of COURSE Elizabeth is a star reporter. They probably hired her after her two-week high school internship at Flair Magazine. And because of her internship at The London Times! Her blog will be ridiculous. I am sure she write lifestyle pieces, like “what should I do with all my boyfriend’s money?” or “is it awkward that my now-boyfriend Bruce tried to rape me when we were in high school?”

Also, I love how Francine and co are STILL out of touch. If she were really popular, she’d have an active twitter/tumblr. But ok, blog it is. Somehow I am seeing it at Bachelor contestant Jenna’s blog. Or, even better, it will be like the privileged, ridiculous and condescending GOOP.

Jessica is in PR. I love how “social” people are assumed to be good in PR. Just like Heidi “I want to party for a living!” Montag gets a job at Bolthouse. Jessica’s advice to her clients: “Act like a total sociopath so that you get all the attention! Put yourself in harm’s way as much as you can to get more attention! ”

But while the professional lives of the Wakefield sisters are secure, their personal lives may be in jeopardy. Jessica, now a mother, finds that managing parenthood, marriage, and a job is harder than she expected, while Elizabeth and Bruce must face a scandal that could strengthen their bond…or tear them apart for ever.

Someone PLEASE call social services for the sake of Jessica’s child. I’ll bet that she leaves the child at home until she feels like coming home, because “child-rearing doesn’t really start til she arrives anyway.” If this child has aqua-blue eyes and a perfect-sized newborn-3 months figure, I’ll kill myself.

From what I interpret, it seems like she and her hubby Todd will be fighting a lot about the time she has to put into her family. Of course, the only thing more INTERESTING than reading about teenagers constantly fighting and breaking up, it’s reading about miserable married couples fighting over how to treat their children.

Meanwhile, life goes on in Sweet Valley. Families are made, hearts are broken, and…Lila Fowler is a reality TV star? Some things never change.
The Sweet Life takes Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield through a new chapter in their well-chronicled and beloved fictional lives. This dramatic first installment and cliff-hanger ending will leave readers breathless for the next episode.

I would like to point out that Lila becoming a reality star was my idea a while ago. Francine, if you want me to write plotlines for your books, all you need to do is ask! I have a great idea about a Super Special called “Mass Suicide Madness!”

Anyhoos, it comes out in June, and now that we’ve all suffered through the trainwreck that was Sweet Valley Confidential, I’m actually looking forward to this. By my calculations, the twins should be almost thirty. I can now compare my life to theirs once again.

The Baby-Sitters Club Reboot: Super Special #1: Baby-Sitters at Burning Man!

Mr. and Mrs. Pike return to the place where Mallory was conceived- Burning Man. They rent two RVs to drive the family to the Black Rock Desert, and bring Stacey and MaryAnne along as mother’s helpers. Kristy whines about not getting to go, so Watson brings the family, along with Claudia and Dawn. Kristy decides that they should all make a stop-motion animation documentary about their experience, using only ancient Latin. After some moaning and groaning, Kristy reminds them that the club was her idea and that her stepfather is an effing millionaire so stfu and do what she says or she will cut them all off and that means no more kid-kits. Kristy sure can be bossy sometimes!

Dawn is embarrassed about the way her friends are acting and tries at every turn to get away from their village. One night she has a terrible trip and can’t find her way back to her camp. She learns she is taking her friends for granted and that she was stupid for trying to make friends outside of the BSC.

MaryAnne is scared to leave the RV and spends the week driving everyone crazy trying to tidy up the RV and whining about missing Logan. Claire Pike teaches her the lesson that “if you don’t try something, you’ll never experience life.” They go on a naked bike ride together in the moonlight and MaryAnne is reminded that even children have something to teach adults (although she herself is still a child.)

Stacey meets Breegan, a cute older guy at a rave on the Esplanade. She is mesmerized by his white man dreads and his worldliness. Stacey tells the guy she is twenty-three and many hi-jinks ensue as she tries at length to keep up the lie, going so far as to pretend the Pike children are her own. Turns out that Breegan is really Arthur, an actuary from Livingston, New Jersey just trying to get away from his boring life by creating a new identity. Stacey learns that it’s best just to be herself because her fabulous, Manhattan-raised, sophisticated, permed self is better than enough.

Claudia annoys everyone by bringing five suitcases of costumes. To make matters worse, she has massive junk food withdrawal and is forced to scavenge their village for any sugar she can find. She’s mistaken for an ancient tribal deity by a neighboring camp and is showered with as the drugs she wants. After her five day bender, she learns that too much of a good thing “kan sumtimz be teo mmuch”

Kristy, upon seeing some kids run around camp without abandonment and partially clothed, get a Great Idea (natch) and opens a day camp for the kids at Burning Man and then demands sympathy from everyone when she complains how hard it is. They go on a field trip to the Burning Man, but Karen “accidentally” sets fire to the Burning Man early, much to the angry mob of Black Rock City dwellers. Karen eventually wins them over by doing an insult comic routine and has everyone laughing. She’s eventually forgiven and a float is made in her honor at the parade. Karen learns that being an annoying brat will get you lots of attention.

Meanwhile, the Pike triplets build a Burning Man vehicle out of an old tin barrel and some toothpicks, but won’t let Nicky participate because he’s their younger brother and a fucking idiot. Vanessa rhymes everything and drives everyone crazy. Margo gets sick by eating sand because she may actually be developmentally retarded. Mr. and Mrs. Pike and Mr. and Mrs. Brewer try out polyamory for the week and wake up from an orgy only to find Richard Spier and Dawn’s mom in the person pile next to them. What a small world!

If you like what you see, please support my upcoming book!

If Chuck Palahniuk wrote Sleepover Friends

Stephanie Green’s parents built her a detached apartment in the backyard. Stephanie says she’s been living there six weeks.
I’ve known Stephanie for three years.
This is the first time I’ve heard of the apartment.

On Friday nights, the Friday night Sleepover started. Kate. Patti. Me. The apartment in the backyard. We’d watch tv, make prank calls, apply makeup on each other, and gorge ourselves with food and Stephanie would regale us with questions we didn’t want to think about.
What were we wearing to school on Monday?
What new boy did we like?
….Be careful, she warned. The people we liked may end up liking us.
Instead of answering, we just gorged on fluffer nutter.
Better to fill up the despair with food than think inward to our own existence.

Next Friday we gathered. And the next. Friday Sleepovers became our new unit of time. It was getting harder to live my non-Friday life. One Saturday my mother sent me away from the dinner table because I almost fell asleep in my PB and J sandwich. I sneered at her and a snot bubble exploded out of my nose.
he didn’t mention it to me after that.
At lunch one day Patti pointed out that my sweatshirt had some dried up guacamole on it.

The school cafeteria doesn’t serve guacamole.

The days in between Fridays didn’t seem to matter. Nothing mattered anymore, except Sleepover Friends and her apartment in the backyard. I began to keep track of the days of the week by the color of the jumper our fifth grade teacher wore.

Red. With the little flowers. It must be a Wednesday.

Stephanie and I sit on the stoop outside the school way past the last bell, drinking Capri Suns. “We could make more Sleepover Friends” she tells me with a belch. “We have the people. They’re talking about them at the junior high now.” She throws the shriveled Capri Sun in a perfect arc, landing directly on top of a discarded Lunchables Tray.

I silently seeth. I am filled with rage and bile. What is this? It’s jealousy. I didn’t like the feeling. Sleepover Friends was ours and ours only. It was like a beautiful, individual flower. And Stephanie wanted to make it into a Walmart- franchised, copied, ordinary, with every common kid, jock, nerd….and boys.

It’ll be the first coed Sleepover in the history of the school, Stephanie says. It will be something everyone will remember.

I stand up and begin to aimlessly write on the basketball court with chalk. Where did I get chalk from? We weren’t aloud to take it outside.

Stephanie’s fingers are already stained with chalk.

I write out “eskimo”, “lunchbox”, “parabola”, “starfruit” like they mean something. Like it’s the answer to the whole fucking universe.

“Pete Black wants in” Stephanie says to my back. My bile creeps up to my throat.

Sleepover Friends was feeling less like friends.

—–

On Friday, Patti and Kate are standing outside Stephanie’s private apartment in the backyard,, screaming at Pete Black as he stands perfectly still.

“Go home, you can’t be here” screams Kate.

“We don’t except BOYS in this club, asshole” Pattie says into his ear.

“Stephanie’s parents won’t ALLOW boys to sleep over, you disgusting miscarriage of a deformed elephant” Kate screams in his face.

Stephanie is standing in the doorway, wearing her signature black, white and red and eating S’mores. “It’s part of the ritual,” she tells me, already sensing what I was about to ask her. “You tell them to leave and if they stay, they are ready to be recruited.”

After an hour goes by, it starts to rain. Patti and Kate and I go in, but Pete Black stands in his same posture, even though the rain is gathering in puddles in the pockets of his Bugle Boy pants.

We stay inside and play truth or dare, Two Truths and a Lie. We don’t mention Pete Black.

—-

Pete didn’t show up to school that Monday. Monday meant the blue jumper with the gingham trim. We were studying vocabulary, but I was writing meaningful limericks and handing them out to the class.

There was once a girl who was told to study math
But in protest she refused to ever take a bath
The world’s going to end
Why can’t you comprehend

That everything you do and say doesn’t fucking matter anyway because ot all sounds like the whining of corporate drones sent out on a ledge to junp off like a group of pathetic lemmings

Mrs. Blue Gingham found the Limerick and told me she was calling my mother.
Mother, I repeated the word. I didn’t know the meaning. The only family I knew was Sleepover Friends.

—-

The third Friday after the Limerick incident Pete Black was in Stephanie’s backyard apartment when I arrived with an industrial sized can of Chex Mix..
Pete’s new, Kate said. The first rule of Sleepover Friends is that if you are new, you have to make a prank call..
The second rule of Sleepover Friends is that only one MASH game at a time, Patti added.
The third rule of Sleepover Friends is no shoes, no school clothes, just pajamas.
The fourth rule of Sleepover Friends, snarled Stephanie, is don’t talk about Sleepover Friends.

Just as Pete was about to pick up the phone, it rang.
Lauren, said Stephanie. Pick it up. My hands are covered in cookie dough.

When Stephanie asks, I can never refuse.

Hello?
“Hi honey”. Mrs. Green sounded like she just came from a tupperware party that suddenly turned into an orgy and they all took a blood oath not to tell anyone. “Don’t stay up too late, you have an orthodontist appointment in the morning.”
“Sure.”
“Stephanie, I mean it this time. Be in bed by midnight.”
“What did you call me?” Throats sure can close up quickly.
“Don’t be fresh with me, Stephanie.”

I looked down. My hands were covered in cookie dough.

Sure, mother.Whatever you say.

[Photo made by my friend John.]

Don’t forget to support the campaign.

It’s Really Happening!

I’ve mentioned this before, but I am ready to make it official: I’m writing a book.

I’ve decided that the best way to motivate me to complete this book is to have people invest in it- I can’t procrastinate or put it off if I make it public.

I don’t usually feel comfortable asking for money, but this project will take some funding, so I’ve launched an IndieGoGo campaign. Your support and comments over the last few years have been more than generous, but I hope you will consider contributing to the campaign. Any contribution is welcome, no matter what the monetary value is.

Just as valuable is spreading the word, posting on your blogs, forwarding this to your friends, etc. I’ll be updating here, my twitter, Facebook, and the campaign with updates as I write.

Along with compiling all the recaps in this blog, the book will include full recaps of books 100-130, a full SVH glossary, and additional essays.

I am really excited about this campaign and the book project- it will be a major accomplishment in my life, and I can’t wait to share it with you.

Baby-Sitters Club: The reboot, Chapter 2 “The Truth About Stacey”

Stacey bounced up the steps of the Johanssen’s front stoop to ring the bell. Even though it was a sitting job, Stacey was excited about this afternoon’s charge. Charlotte Johanssen was her favorite kid. Quiet and reserved, Charlotte looked up to Stacey. And Stacey loved the attention.Dr. Johanssen answered the door. “Stacey” she exclaimed happily. “So good to see you! Charlotte’s in the playroom with Becca. I hope you don’t mind that she’s here.” Dr. J was a doctor on a reality show about celebrities addicted to sniffing glue.Becca Ramsey was the younger sister of Stacey’s friend Jessi, who used to be the BSC but had to drop out because she was always getting offered parts at the NYC Ballet, despite being eleven and dancing en pointe for a week.Jessi and Becca are black.

“No that’s fine,” said Stacey, smiling. The more to admire her!

Dr. J lowered her voice. “I left you some quinoa and spelt bread for a snack.” Dr. J was so understanding when Stacey admitted her gkuten allergy. It was so hard to find people to understand her affliction.

Stacey fluffed out her hair, adjusted her Steve McQueen romper and headed up to Char’s room. She heard Char from the hallway “ok, a little to the left,” Char was saying. Stacey put her head through the door and saw Becca lounging on her bed and Char filming her on her flipcam.

“What are you guys doing?” Stacey asked. “We’re playing Celebrity. Char is Kim Kardashian.”

Stacey giggled. Charlotte was so imaginative, that was part of why she was her favorite sitting charge. “Hey are you guys ready for your snack?”

They went down to the kitchen and Stacey prepared their Kale and soy-mayo sandwiches. “MMMppphhh” Becca said, her mouth full of kale. “Stacey aren’t you having any?” she asked.

“No,” Stacey looked down. “Uhhhhh, I’m on a diet.”

“What?” asked Charlotte. “But you’re already so skinny! You’re a size zero.”

“Yea, but I want to be a size double zero for when I go shopping at sample sales in New York.”

“Come on Stacey, just have one half! It’s low carb bread.”  Char urged.

“I, uhhh……hey, let’s go outside and play!”

The issue quickly forgotten, the girls ran outside . The Johanssens had built an elaborate treehouse for Charlotte,.and she and Jessi were pretending that they were at the Jersey Shore house. Among screams of “Raaaaahhhhhhnnnn!” and “GTL! DTF!” Stacey snapped some pictures and sent them to the BSC tumblr account.

“Hello?” said someone at the backyard gate. “Oh, hey Hayley!” waved Char. Hayley lived next door and had a stylish, ironic mulllet. “What are you up to?”

“Well, my mother baked these brownies, but I’m off of carbs with week, so I thought you guys could use them. I thought to myself, ‘Becca and Charlotte DEFINITELY don’t care what they eat.”

Oblivious to the hipper, more stylish girls back-handed compliment, Jessi and Becca reached for brownies. “Yum!” said Becca. Stacey, try one!”

“Nah”, said Stacey, blushing.

“Oh come on” said Hayley. “Yea!” said Charlotte, chocolate smeared across her “Team Edward” tee shirt. “They are sooooo good!”.

“I SAID NO!” snapped Stacey. The three girls froze, mid-chew.

“I’m sorry” sniffed Charlotte. “I dibn’t meed to bake you mad.” She said through her tears and mucus..

“Oh guys,” Stacey felt horrible. She hoped Kristy or Charlotte’s parents didn’t hear her yelling on the live webfeed they had coming from all their client’s homes. “I….I have something to tell you.”

“What is it You can tell us,” said Becca. Becca is black.

“I have this problem….I have a gluten allergy. I can’t eat any gluten, and I have to watch what I eat really carefully. When I lived in New York, all my friends- those who I thought were my friends- thought I was weird and started being mean to me. This one time, at a sleepover, we had garlic bread, and during the night, I had gas. It was so embarrassing. They spread rumors that I had epilepsy. It was so horrible. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone when I moved to Connecticut I didn’t want to tell anyone- I wanted to make a fresh start.”

Stacey was looking down as she talked, and waited to hear the girls reaction.

“That’s it?” Charlotte said. “That’s what you;’re embarrassed about? That’s nuts. We don’t care! You’re still our favorite baby-sitter!”

“Yea” said Hayley. “My mother only eats things that are red. That and cayenne pepper. And then throws is all up. No biggie.”

“Really you guys” said Stacey? “Wow, I am so lucky.”

Charlotte said, “Come on guys! Let’s go back inside and play America’s Next Top Model! I’m Andre Leon! Stacey, you can be go-see and judge each of us on our potential to be a model.”

“Ok Char,” said Stacey. “Lead the way!” She couldn’t wait to put this all in the BSC blog.

Baby-Sitters Club: The Reboot, Chapter 1

“I now call this meeting of the Baby Sitters Club to order” said Kristy Thomas, president of the Baby-Sitters Club. She took her job as president seriously. She often wore a visor and sat in a director’s chair when she ran the meetings. Today she was wearing a turtleneck and her favorite “I’m CEO, bitch!” sweatshirt. “All accounted for?” she asked adjusting the iPad in her lap.“Present,” piped up the other members, Mary Anne Spier and Dawn Shaefer.

“pMMMNNNTT” came a muffled voice from under the bed. The voice came from a pair of legs and a backside, which belonged to Claudia Kishi, who was searching furiously for something under her bed.  Claudia hid her goodies in her bedroom because her parents didn’t approve of them. The meetings were held in Claudia’s room, because she was the only one in the group that had her own wireless network that allowed bitTorrents. For that reason, Claudia was also Vice President.

“What is that smell?” Dawn said, scrunching her nose and flipping her long dreadlocks over her shoulder. Dawn was the group’s bleeding heart, tree-hugging liberal.

“Nevermind that,” said Kristy impatiently. “Where’s Stacey?”

Suddenly, Claud’s head emerged from under the bed. “She’s skyping in from the N.Y.C. She went back this weekend to go to some loft party in DUMBO.”

“CLAUD!” the girls shrieked. “You’re wearing MEAT!”

“Yea, it’s so Gaga, don’t you think?” she said, smiling. Claudia, who was Japanese-American and had almond shaped eyes, was an artist and her clothing often looked like a work of art. She could be found wearing things like neon suspenders with bike shorts, earrings made out of fruit, sweaters knitted from human hair, a pair of pants made from discarded Zune players. But this time, she wore a fitted dress made from slabs of meat. She even fashioned a necklace made out of veins and entrails.

“I think I;m gonna be sick,” whined Dawn. “MEAT IS MURDER!”

“Wow,” said Mary Anne. “My dad would never let me wear anything like that,” she said wistfully. Mary Anne’s mother died when she was very little and was raised by her father, who was very conservative. She was not even allowed to watch Entourage! However, Mary Anne was the first one of them to have a steady boyfriend. Logan Bruno was nineteen and lived in a house with his electroclash band.

Kristy fiddled with her iPad and dialed Stacey on Skype. “Official business first.” The rest of the girls settled in, and Claudia dug into the stash she just found, breaking it into lines across the cover of her copy of Breaking Dawn.

Kristy set the iPad upright on Claud’s drafting table and Stacey’s face popped on the screen, except that the picture was shaking and the background sped past. “Sorry guys I’m on my iPhone at the Heatherette store. I need to look for something to wear for the party.” Stacey and Claudia, although were both thirteen years old like Kristy and Claudia, but oftentimes seemed more sophisticated. They certainly had more interest in clothes and boys than the rest of them.
“Oh Stace, while you are there, can you pick up those feather eyelashes for Karen? She has a pageant coming up next week.”

“I thought we were only supposed to be talking about official business” snapped Dawn, who was sitting on Claudia’s beanbag chair assembling Molotov Cocktails for a protest she was attending against Stoneybrook’s town hall.

“I know,” said Kristy shortly. There was still some tension between Kristy and Dawn. Kristy and Mary Anne had been best friends since they were just in diapers. When Dawn moved to Stoneybrook last year, she and Mary Anne had become best friends. There were both still a little bit jealous of each other. Not to mention that Kristy was a Mac user and Dawn was a PC user. Kristy supported Sarah Palin and Dawn was a geo-anarchist.

“Claud!” yelled Stacey from the iPad. “We just spent our BSC dues on an intervention! Do we need to do another one?” Claudia lifted her head up from snorting a line, some powder still on her nose. “No,” she said sheepishly. “My parents told me that if they have to pay for rehab one more time, they were going to stop paying for my art classes.”

“Claud, your art! You are so talented!” said Mary Anne.

“You’re right.” Claudia finally gave in. “I guess I should get rid of those Crystal Meth rocks.”

“Oh that’s what I was sitting on!” exclaimed Dawn, pulling the baggie of rocks out from under her behind.”I thought they were Jamie Newton’s marble collection!”

The girls burst into a fit of giggles. Kristy laughed too, in spite of herself.

“ok, ok. We should get started with the meeting. First order of business. How’s the treasury look, Stace?”

Stacey, who was a whiz at math, stopped looking through a rack of sequined thongs at Bergdorfs, sighed. “Not great you guys. Between the interventions for Claud and the pizza parties, not to mention the extra we spent on the gluten free pizzas, we are close to zilch.”

“Kristy, why don’t you just ask Watson for the money?” asked Claudia, adjusting the rump roast-slash-sleeve.  Watson was Kristy’s stepfather, who was a real-life billionaire.

Kirsty stuck out her tongue at the suggestion. “No, I don’t want any of his help. He’s done enough to my family as it is, trying to get us to agree to that reality show. I think it’s time to launch another Kickstarter campaign, you guys.”

“I could offer some of my artwork as investor incentives” offered Claudia.

“I could offer a makeover,” said Stacey.

“I could offer my virginity” said Mary Anne.

“That sounds great everyone! We’ll launch next week.” Kristy checked the iPad for the agenda. “Now, let’s check the ticket queue for baby-sitting requests.”

“Let’s see: said Mary Anne, who was the Secretary of the Club and managed all the appointments. “Cokie Mason needs a sitter for little Jeffrey on Saturday.”

“Ugh, again?” asked Dawn, her mouth full of quinoa, kale and Four Loko..

“Yea, she has another callback to be cast on Teen Mom.”

Mary Anne read off the other requests and the girls scheduled the appointments. It was a hard job to keep track of all their schedules, with Stacey’s doctor’s appointments for her celliac’s disease, Claudia’s benders, Mary Anne’s pole dance aerobics, Karen’s pageants (Kristy was her handler) and Dawn’s protests.

“How are the Kid Kits looking these days?” asked Kristy.

“Pretty good,” answered Stacey, who was now at a restaurant in the Meatpacking District that only served 60 different varieties of rice pudding. “But the app seems to have some glitches with you run it with the new iPhone. There are some movies that you can’t stream directly.”

“We really need to make it an app for Android too” added Kristy. “We’ll have to ask the Pike triplets to program it.” Byron, Adam, and Jordan were identical triplets, frequent clients, and computer prodigies. Mary Anne, can you ask them when you sit for them tomorrow?…..Mary Anne? MARY ANNE??”

“Sorry,” Mary Anne blushed. “I was texting with Logan.”

Kristy made a vomit noise and stuck her tongue down her throat. Kristy had no time for silly things like gross boys. She had other things to think about, like her startup idea.

“One day you’ll start to see that boys are not so bad” said Stacy, now back at home in her bedroom with the posters of Sookie and Eric covering her walls.

“She’s just saving herself for Mark Zuckerberg,” teased Claud. Once again the girls dissolved into giggles.

Just then, Charlie, Kristy’s older brother pulled up outside to drive her home to the rich part of town. “I think the meeting is officially adjourned.”

As she ran down the stairs and out the front door, she logged onto her twitter account.

@msKristyThomas Another great BSC meeting #itsgoodtobeprez

Her mind wandered back to the time when she had the Great Idea for the BabySittersClub.biz…..

Chat with Francine

I almost forgot to post this on here:

Please join us live on Twitter (@SVConfidential) and Ustream for a live Fan Chat with Francine Pascal on Wednesday, May 18 at 8pm EST. Feel free to post your questions in advance to Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=197578483619537) as well. We’d appreciate your assistance in helping to promote this unique opportunity for Sweet Valley fans to interact with Francine.

Ustream Event: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/fan-chat-with-francine-pascal

Things I want to ask Francine but I probably won’t:

-What do you think of my blog?

-Why do you dislike overweight people?

-Can I pick your brain for an hour?

-Did you ever actually read any of the books after they were completed?

-Did you intentionally make Jessica a sociopath?

-Did you intentionally make Elizabeth condescending?

-Why did so may students read The Oracle?

-What happened to Ellen Riteman?

The real epilogue, part 2

Dana Larson and Lynne Henry continue to collaborate on songwriting, and eventually form an electroclash band called Chix With Bix. They tour small clubs and play late nights at construction sites. Dana, along with RISD grad Claudia Kishi, design their own line of banana clips and bolo ties. I’d tell you what boutiques they are sold in, but you’ve probably never heard of them anyway.

Teddy Collins graduated Sweet Valley High last year, and surprised everyone by eloping with Betsy Martin. Their May-December romance caused quite a stir in Sweet Valley, though for some reason they refuse to consider living anywhere else. They are expecting their third child.

Kelly’s Bar closed several years ago because it could no longer justify its existance by serving only two customers: Rick Andover and Mr. Martin. it is now an Au Bon Pain.

Two years ago, Roger Collins left Sweet Valley High- it was unclear whether it was voluntary or if it was based on a rumored “incident” with a female student. After his departure, Nora Dalton has been advising The Oracle, but readership has gone down since she insists on having everything written in French. Elizabeth, relieved to give up the facade that she’s trying to make it as a journalist in New York City, is only too happy to move back to town and work part-time as the Oracle Adviser. Her controversial approval of the school’s “gossip column” often puts her in a battle of wills against the self-anointed dictator of the PTA, Cara Walker-Wakefield. Which is odd, because Cara has no children in the Sweet Valley Unified School District. Although she often mentions a “Steven Junior” which no one can see but her. Elizabeth also accepted a job back at the Sweet Valley News, as the special correspondent for murders and kidnappings.

Amy Sutton met a man who lived at the former “Good Friends” house. After a whirlwind two-day courtship, she moved with him to Arizona and is now happily living as wife #9 on a large compound in Colorado City. The prairie dress looks fantastic on her slender frame.

As we all know, Jessica and Todd were happily married.  Three weeks after the wedding, Jessica admitted to having a fling with Jeffrey French, now a photojournalist at the Sweet Valley News. Todd forgave her, until a week later he had a fling with Suzanne Devlin, in town to curate Sweet Valley’s International Film Festival. They have agreed on a trial separation and Jessica moved back into her parents’ split-level, Spanish-tiled home. She is currently working as the Assistant Manager of Lisette’s.

Prince Albert has recently found a new spot in the house he likes to sleep in. He recently switched to wet food to accommodate some lost teeth.

The real epilogue

The lack of comments on my last post about SVC has led me to believe that y’all are not interested in me tearing about every part of the book. Plus, it was exhausting.However, the part that PUZZLED me the most, not to mention disappointed me, was the epiologue explaining “where are they now?”. It’s as if Francine doesn’t like her characters. Not that I believe in happy, neat endings, but it seemed that her characters who were “good and kind” are now assholes. And the assholes who date raped and manipulated had happy endings. Sure, they are her characters, she can do what she wants, but it is just so puzzling.

We all have our own ideas about how these characters ended up, so here is mine.

Lila Fowler: After college, Lila moved to Los Angeles to try to make it as a hand model. Snubbed by Ingenue magazine earlier in her life, she decided to go a different route. On one of her first go-sees, she met an older, wealthy production designer. In a whirlwind romance, they wre married a few months later. Lila now lives in Beverly Hills and is a socialite involved with a lot of philanthropic organizations. She doesn’t really know the causes, but she does love hosting the benefits at her villa. Next year, Lila will join the cast of the new season of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

Enid Rollins: After college, Enid attended Stanford medical school to study pediatrics. She met her husband in medical school, and they both accepted residencies in a small farm town in Iowa. When they are done, they plan to enter the Doctors Without Borders program to provide medical services to orphans in Uganda. Enid is very excited that Elizabeth thinks that this is very noble of her. She and Liz Skype every week.

Ken Matthews: was drafted into the NFL, first draft pick after college. He enjoyed his time in the spotlight until that pesky DUI. His performance slowly declined and after a bad hit in a game, his blindness returned. Terry, his former high school sweetheart, suddenly reappeared in his life. They have been together ever since, and now Ken does a speaking circuit of local high schools. Terry is his tour manager and agent.

Bruce Patman: despite showing some hints at reforming after college, he was unable to find a job after college, even when throwing around his family name. Finally, he had to stoop to taking a pity job from George Fowler at his microchip processing plant. After being fired for sexual harassment of female employees, he started to spend most of his time at nightclubs in LA, drinking and staying out to all hours of the night, and throwing his money around at expensive restaurants. He has been rumored to be canoodling with many celebrities and C-list actresses. Right now he is trying to launch his own line of leather carseat covers.

Steven Wakefield: After several years of working in a law firm at Sweet Valley, he finally came out to his friends and family. He met his current partner, Aaron Dallas, at a drag show  in another town. Aaron, who was also not out at the time, feared he would be recognized, so was at the club in drag. He was wearing a curly red wig and a lacey white shirt when he met Steven. They’ve been living together for two years. They are the co-chairs of the Sweet Valley Pride committee. Steven has supported Aaron through his counseling psychology grad program. This has been very helpful for Aaron, who has now been able to see that all his rage issues that he blamed on his parents’ divorce  was really internal homophobia and jealousy towards Elizabeth; he was harboring a secret crush on his high school best friend, Jeffrey French.

After graduating college, Winston Eggbert moved to the Bay Area and helped found a start up company called jokebook, where users can create profiles and connect over their favorite punchlines. The company was bought by Facebook, and now Winston was able to quit working and pursue several of his dreams. When the competitive eating career did not pan out, Winston started writing stand-up and eventually was hired to write for the Jay Leno show.

More later.  Also, thanks for the link, Gothamist.