The Popularity Plan: Not so much of a plan, more of an unrealistic delusion

Is the plan a mathematical one? Are those the digits of Pi?

Hey you guys, I’m Frannie. And this book is the incredible true story of my amazing life! You won’t believe it! So, for a lot of my life I was super shy and couldn’t talk to boys! How am I supposed to get a boyfriend that way? Well, my gaggle of girlfriends are really popular and one day that decided they’d had enough! That’s when we put the plan into action! They gave me a list of sure-fire things to say to boys that would make me popular! On Monday, I had to drop a pencil. On Tuesday, I had to ask someone about the homework. On Wednesday, I had to call a boy to ask him what the English assignment was. On Thursday, I had to give a boy a blow job in the janitor’s closet. Boy, getting a boyfriend is hard work!

But the final nail in the coffin of popularity was when I showed up at the dance in a really pretty dress! Suddenly everyone wanted to dance with me. In fact, that next week, I got so many dates I had to pin up a big calendar on my wall to keep track of them all! I guess looking pretty actually worked better than talking to boys. Isn’t that the opposite of what was supposed to happen? Who cares? Oh, and Mom and Dad were being really square. They weren’t letting me go out every single night! Ugh. They just don’t understand what growing up is all about.

You know what? Being popular is not as easy as it looks! I go out with all these boys but I don’t have any fun! All Ricky wants to do is watch football. All Bobby wants to do is dry hump at the drive-in. But Ronnie…oh Ronnie! He’s so artistic and sensitive. He won’t talk to me. Am I not popular? What the fuck? Why doesn’t anyone underaaaand meeeee?

Oh, but wait! It turns out Ronnie liked me before I was popular and then he thought I wouldn’t like him when I was going out with all those jocks! So the popularity plan actually backfired! Oh, my wacky little life!

Lesson learned: being popular is not everything. Except when you are popular. Except don’t be too popular.

I just….no.

Seriously, I don’t even want to give this garbage the dignity of a full post. Janet Quin-Harkin, shame on you. Are you even a real person? Ugh. Okay. A boy-crazy personality-less girl makes a bet with her best friend that they have to date at least ten boys during the summer. Then they get into a fight about something I don’t care to remember. The main character continues on her dating spree but finds love with some guy that stalks her, and of course he’s a model. Friend gets madder that she didn’t complete the bet. Friends make up. Oh, and there’s a series of wacky scenes where spoiled, boring main chracter tries to find a summer job but messes them up and gets fired. Finally, hundreds of MFA grads slit their wrists because this crap gets published and their stuff did’t.