Best YA boyfriends, part 2

5. Almanzo Wilder: yea yea, calling Little House books YA may be a stretch, but I had to put in my Manly love.

Who would play him:

Dean Butler, duh!

4. Dead Peter from Christopher Pike’s Remember Me. He totally can ghost-spy on me in the shower any day. Shari wouldn’t have made in the afterlife without his help. Although he did dork out on her sometimes. And it’s good she got the support, after her boyfriend Dan did it with Big Beth in the jacuzzi at her birthday party.

Celeb who would play him:

Josh Radnor: I don’t like HIMYM, but I want to make out with him.

3. Adam from The Secret Circle Series. Two of the qualities in a guy that for me is an automatic drop of the panties: aloof and has supernatural powers. Same reason I totally want to have a brothel that includes Max and Michael from Roswell and some of the X-Men. That’s a fanfic for another time. I don’t remember too much about this series, haven’t read it in a while, but there was lots of drahma. He was attached the sassy long-haired coven leader, but new girl in town Cassie totally nabbed him.

Celeb who would play him:

Garret Hedlund.  Don’t know why, I just think this guy is hawt.

2. Joe from The Jellyfish Season: sure, he dated a fourteen year old when he was twenty, but he didn’t know! He treated her well and even gave self-esteem to Kathleen and treated her cousins nicely. Plus, there was mention of his hairy legs more than once. That sold me!

Who would play him:

Z-Quint, father of my children

1. Billy Sampson; Sunset Island. Swoonsville! He’s the lead singer of a band, check! He goes for the “curvy”, brainy brunette, check! He’s actually smart and into photography, check! He has his own house on the beach, check! He’s super smokin’, check! It was half cheeseball, half kind of sweet when he pops Carrie’s cherry later in the series. And when Carrie would get all hysterical and self-doubting he’d be all, pull your shit together. I’m going to ignore the fact that half his lyrics seem to be written by Michael Bolton.

Who would play him:

Sebastian Bach, circa 1990.

Coming soon: the most ANNOYING YA boys.  You know I saved that second because I will enjoy it more.

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just a thought but…

I am so stoked to see there are other Little House fans out there, and I have been loving the comments. You all make my day just a little bit better. However, I don’t want to sway too far from my original concept, which was SVH and other YA series. And, since so many others have watched the show as much as I have…would anyone else…consider contributing to a new blog just to snark on LHOTP episodes? I first thought about making it another blog by myself, but trying to be realistic because I already write like eight blogs (okay, two) and am thinking of starting yet another about living in the East Bay. If you are interested, and would seriously consider contributing, shoot me an email (thedairiburger[at]gmail.com and we can chat.

Come on, Manly will take you to the barn dance if you do!

Keep it in your pants, Laura

Jeez, I didn’t realize how many boys Laura likes in the early episodes. Pa needs to keep that horniness under control. Everyone in town is all abuzz about the Spring Dance. How SVH of them. Laura has her eye on Henry Henderson. WHAT is with the names? Johnny Johnson? Henry Henderson? Almanzo Almanzostein? Henry has a blond bowl cut and a I-smell-shit pout all the time. Laura wants him to ask her to the dance.

Meanwhile, the widow Grace Snyder (yes, people actually call her that- like’s it’s an official title to remind everyone that she’s a soiled woman) has a thing for Mr. Edwards, who is too busy with his meth lab hidden in the mill. Ma is all, guuuurrrrl, you deserve better, make him jealous! Grace pretends to be all up on Doc Baker, who is clueless about what she is doing because we all know he is asexual except when it comes to the Olsen’s underage relatives.

Laura overhears Ma tells the widow Grace this, and hatched\s a plan. She makes Willie Olsen her gigolo which makes Henry mad and quite frankly grossed out because Willie’s all of maybe seven years old in these eps?

Finally, after all hilarity ensues, everyone gets to go to the dance with who they want and it turns out it’s some guy playing a fiddle in the schoolhouse/church so what was the big deal anyway?

For the love of Johnny Johnson

It’s pretty obvious that most of the men on LHOTP really bring the fug (‘cept Manly, of course) but Johnny Johnson is so off the grid on the fug. I feel like the plot of For the Love of Johnny Johnson had been repeated about a gazillion times before. Laura falls for a guy, who falls for Mary. Laura gets pissed and Pa and she have a talk, and all is well. Except Laura always did like the older guys. JJ is about 14 and Laura is about, I don’t know, 9? Creepy much? Jason, the scientist guy, was also about 16 when she was about 10 and they go off holding hands in the woods. Creepy!

JJ not only has a face only a mother can love, he has a ridiculous red wig thing on, a stupid hat, and really really really tight overalls. Oy. Who the hell does the casting on this show? Some of the guys are so fug they make Mr. Edwards look like Javier Bardem.

So Laura asks Pa for advice on how to get a guy, and he tells her sexist stuff like “make sure you cook him good food” and basically tells Laura that he originally didn’t have a thing for Caroline, but when she asked him out, he was all what the hell, I’ll get a good meal out of the date. Noyce.

Not particular to this episode, but I have some serious gripes with Casa Ingalls. I know Charles built the place himself with much money, but for god’s sake, would it have killed him to build a wall? Ma and Pa’s bed is basically about three inches from where Ma guts chickens in the kitchen, and the loft is right upstairs. And Ma and Pa ALWAYS talk about issues with the girls when the fricking loft is right above them as if they couldn’t hear! And what about when they want to get a little frisky?

And there is no place to sit except the kitchen table. I am sure Pa could have whipped up an Adironack chair since he is amazing at everything else.

And other thing- the girls and their fucking blue floral dresses that they wear to church or whenever anything fancy comes up. Caroline, seriously, take some time out from your pie baking and cutting off your leg to make them more than one fancy dress.

Nancy Olsen = Jessica Wakefield

I’m glad there is some Little House love on here!

Firstly, thanks nfor pointing out that Dean Butler HAS A BLOG! And talks a ton about Almazo Wilder and LHOTP. Which is cool, but Dean, your role ended about 25 years ago. Let go.

Oh, and also? The real Almanzo Wilder? Quite the hottay.

The Reincarnation of Nellie was sooooo SVH. This is after big bad Nellie moves to New York with her Jewish husband and babies, and Mrs. Olsen gets all freaked out, so Nels suggest they adopt. Well, of course, she loves the bratty blond girl, Nancy.

Everyone in the town is all peeved because Nancy is just as bad as Nellie was, even worse, and they were all just partying in the town square after getting rid of her (actually, Nellie turned to a saint after one episode of meeting Percival). Nancy wears frilly dresses, bows about five times larger than her head, and ringlet curls that I was soooooo jealous of when I was younger. It’s so obvious that it’s a wig. Nancy is a total shrew, and manipulates everyone around her. There’s some pageant at school and she wants to take out her competition so she locks her in the icehouse. See? Total Jessica Wakefield. Then she manipulates her mother and tells everyone that her mother abanonded her. I also feel bad for Willie, who Nancy manipulates and turns their mother against him. I always felt Willie was quite misunderstood.

Serendipidously, Charles finds out from the orphanage owner that Nancy wasn’t really abandoned, and can’t wait to run off to tell the news. In fact, I think he actually leaves the mill to do so. He’s such a busybody! THEN, this is awesome…Laura, ahem, I mean, Mrs. Wilder, convinces the whole fucking town to play a prank on Nancy. Excuse me, isn’t she supposed to be the teacher? And care about the children? So they do a carnival and make Nancy the star of the “mermaid booth” which is really a dunking booth. And then the whole town laughs at her. Bwahahahaha!

Sylvia and the curse of developing early

Little known fact: I am a huuuuuge fan of Little House on the Prairie. If you’ve never watched it, you are so missing out. In fact, I find it to be surprisingly similar to Sweet Valley High. A little too similar! I could write a dissertation on the paralells between the two. Here’s the main similarities.

  • The morally superior family that needs to tell everyone how to live their lives and raise their families (The Ingalls/Wakefields)
  • Incredibly cheesy love interests (Johnny Johnson/Jason the science guy/Almanzo/Todd)
  • Dramatic events happening all the time: kidnapping, death, deception, people going blind
  • The rich, obnoxious townsfolk who think their money makes them superior (The Olsesons/The Patmans and Fowlers)
  • The idyllic town that anyone who doesn’t live in is missing out (Walnut Grove/Sweet Valley)
  • “Guest star” townspeople who are never heard from again after their featured episode (book)
  • Nellie Olsen = Jessica Wakefield

Thanks to the wonderful invention of TiVo, I can catch the episodes I love. Much to my joy, the two part “Sylvia” episode was on. You feelin’ me? Have you SEEN this one? It’s totally out of control, and ridiculous. It could be an SVH magna edition.

Sylvia is the new gal in school (why have we not seen her before?) and really fills out her prairie dress, if you know what I mean. The boys, including Albert and Willie, totally get all hot under their suspenders over her, because they are a bunch of horndogs. They sneak over to her house and try to peak at her. Her grouchy father thinks it’s because Sylvia teases them. So does Ms. Olsen. In fact, she calls a fucking school board meeting about it and calls Sylvia a cock tease in front of like, Doc Baker and Mr. Garvey and company. Mrs. Wilder (aka Liz Wakefield) defends her. [Also, I love how Laura went from pigtails in one episode to a neat bun in her hair and now she’s the sensible adult.]

So then…we see that some creepy guy is following her around and stalking her, and then one day in the meadow he puts on a mime mask and rapes her! Wow, Little House, you sure you want to go there?

She comes home and tells her father, and he is all “Trollop! Slut!” and tells her not to tell anyone. She freaks out the next day in school when some boy touches her and Doc Baker seems bruises on her body but her father scares the fuck out her so she says she fell.

Albert totally digs the post-traumatic syndrome and he and Sylvia start going out. [You know people are in love on LHOTP when they carve initials in a tree.] There’s this hilarious scene where the water is in the background and there is a closeup of he and Sylvia coming in slo mo towards each other, then a close-mouthed kiss. So horrid.

Oh, but wait! Sylvia collapses and school because she is preggers! Everone thinks it’s Albert! They decide to elope! Her father tries to send her away! He is punishing her for being raped! Btw, Albert is super fug as a teenager. In fact, most people on this show are quite unattractive. The exception being Alamonzo Wilder- what a bod!

So finally they decide to run away and elope and Sylvia hides in a barn while Albert gets supplies. Meanwhile, weird rapist comes after her and she runs up a latter, but the father shoots him. Sylvia falls of the ladder, and dies…but like four hours later. It’s all very tragic. And scandalous. When I saw this at age eight I was seriously confused. I think I still am.

Hmmmm, if people are game, I may write more about Little House, because there is much drama that happens down by Plum Creek.