Ponies and Abortions

…is not the name of my nu-metal band, but basically what happens in our final installment of the Caitlin series. Yes, for nine books, we’ve seen our beloved Caitlin go from a spoiled boarding school brat, to a missionary saving children from the horror of coal mining, modeling, running a business, and evil lawyers. And though we get a whole book detailing Caitlin’s nauseating brie-and-wine picnics with the evil Julian, this last books seems to skim through the most important aspects of her life.

Anyway…hit it, Rick!

Caitlin is back at Ryan manor, after deciding to take over Ryan Mining. Jed has decided to move there too and they will start a business breeding thoroughbreds. Ugh. So in other words, fuck you, poor people. We buy expensive horses to make more expensive horses. How’s that welfare? Oh but of course they are not staying in the same room! They are not married yet! Plus, Caitlin is still president of the company, which means putting on stylish silk pantsuits and signing documents.

Caitlin and Jed decide to go to a horse auction to start their plantation of animal slaves. They find the horse of their dreams, named Magic Man, but they have to bid on it, and they bid one million fucking dollars. I guess those kids at the summer camp at the mining town don’t need that money. Better yet, instead of having the animal continually raped so they can make money, they decide that they are also going to train the horse to be a racing horse! How awesome! And before you tell me to get off my soap box about animal rights and how these horses like it because they are born to run, let’s just remember that horse who won the Kentucky Derby last year who was shot immediately after because its ankles were broken. FROM RACING.

Oh, can I mention that all the serving staff at Ryan Manor are still there? It’s easy for me to judge those with live in help, but is it fucking necessary? Jeeves the driver/butler whoever has to sit around all day waiting until Caitlin decides she wants to go into town to get her nails done and rush out. And she still has a cook. For two people? because for every meal they need ceviche (I don’t even know what that is, btw) and creme brulee for dessert? Jesus, make your own fucking sandwich Caitlin. Better yet, buy a million dollar horse and kill it and eat it.

So Jed and Caitlin stop fighting for five minutes to have their beautiful fairytale, WASP-y wedding. Then we jump to the next chapter and they are lying on the beach on their honeymoon! What? No fair! Or as Claire Pike would say (nofe air! nofe air!) We don’t get to see their wedding night? I call major bullshit. I mean, I wanted to hear about how Caitlin emerged wearing some cheesy garter thing and the Jed jumps on top of her, grunting and pumping away, and Caitlin laying there like a scared starfish not even understanding that she was supposed to be getting anything out of it. Caitlin tries to say “Jed, I love you baby” but then he says “shut up, I’m almost there!” Perhaps I have thought about these details too much.

Anyway…on their honeymoon in Hawaii, Jed wants to try surfing but Caitlin is dubious because she is afraid that Jed will get hurt. He has a near miss and since I have taken ninth grade English, I can recognize this complicated literary device called foreshadowing. That’s deep. Later on at home, Jed wants to enter a surfing contest at Virginia Beach. Caitlin also finds out that she’s preggers, and debates telling Jed so he won’t try surfing. She refuses because, why should she busy her husband with such womanly things?

Jed wipes out, hits some rocks, or stubs his toe I don’t even remember. He’s rushed to the hospital and he’s paralyzed from the neck down. (Where is Jack Sheppard when you need him?) He doesn’t want Caitlin to stay with him out of pity with himself. But wait, what’s the point of being white, rich and WASP-y if you can’t use your connections? Dr. Westlake, Caitlin’s inappropriately-affectionate father, knows of a doctor doing some ground-breaking spinal surgery who can save Jed. But it’s…evil Julian! Class, that’s called irony. Kind of like when Friends was funny and Joey got fired from his soap opera gig as a brain surgeon and his character was thrown down an elevator shaft, and “the only person that could save me…was me. I guess that’s supposed to be some sort of irony or something.”

So in order to convince Jed to get the surgery (apparently he’s scheduled for the next day, fuck all those people on the waiting list. They’re probably deemed too ugly to get the surgery) Caitlin tells him about his spawn-to-be. Jed agrees to do the surgery, but if it doesn’t work he tells Caitlin, he will annul their marriage and “there will be no baby”. What? Is he going to hire someone to run after Caitlin with a wire coat hanger? Was that over the line?

Oh yea, Julian Stokes has changed, Jed heals, and like two weeks later he’s walking around Ryan Acres with their perfect little baby. Caitlin gets another horse and Magic Man wins a race. Julian and Caitlin’s friend Ginny gets engaged, and so do Melanie (Jed’s sister) and Caitlin’s lawyer. They toast to their future. A future of boring dinner parties and antique shopping.

Ok, is it time to talk about Caitlin’s wedding attire? I like how her veil is made to show off her teased bangs. And is that Jed or her father?

On another note, thanks to everyone who alerted me to the news about Sweet Valley Confidential. Sure, I am excited, but I’m not going to believe it until I see it.

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Caitlin XXX

Caitlin: Always and Forever from Robin Hardwick on Vimeo.

The penultimate installment of Caitlin is seriously boring. It’s about business ethics and horses. Seriously.You can imagine my excitement at discovering that someone produced an “adult entertainment” version.

[CAITLIN]Oh, my life is wonderful. Here I am looking out from the balcony from my huge mansion at my engagement party. My life is perfect. My servants spent hours making the hoer d’oeuvres, the imported Tiki lamps cost more than what it would feed a family of three, my taffeta blue dress was custom made for me. And I am marrying my high school sweetheart, Jed. Never mind that most of the time I am with him we are fighting or he breaks up with me over suspicion of cheating, it’s love!

[MELANIE] Wow, I’m all growns up! No more am I Jed’s lil sis, I am a lady of the world. Hey, look, there;s Laurence Baxter, someone Caitlin used to date and who she set me up in New York with!

Hey little lady, you look all grown up! Let’s have a grown up conversation and a grown up date where you come back to my place!

Okay, let’s go! Never mind Caitlin told me you have a boyfriend, I’m a woman about town! A wo-man!

[They go back to his place and do it]

omg, I can’t believe that Grandmother, Regina Ryan, head of Ryan Mining, has died! And now she has left the company for me to run! I mean, in reality she would leave it to the board of trustees, but this is my book! It’s named after me!

[JED] Dayum Caitlin, I know this is your grandmother’s funeral, but you look super smokin’ in that sophisticated black dress. Also, I’m worried that you will want to stay in Virginia forever and not in New York with me, like I wanted. Remember, your needs don’t count as much as mine. I want you in the same city as me so I can treat you like crap in person.

Oh Jed, don’t you worry. This is only temporary.

[They do it in the graveyard. The other mourners watch for a bit and then join in.]

Wow, my first day on the job as the president of a corporation! The first thing I want to do is to make sure we don’t exploit all the natural resources and we don’t take advantage of the miners doing all the manual labor! Even though I am rich, I care about the poor! First, though, I need to redecorate my office. Let me call in expensive interior designers and also to put some of my original Rodin sculptures in here. I like to look at them when I work to remind myself that I’m the rich and I’m the por.

[The interior designer comes in to “take measurements” and “try out some furniture” if you know what I mean]

Well, now that that’s done, I’ll spend the afternoon redesigning the mining technology. Never mind that I no bippity about technology, these are things that a president of the company knows! Then I’ll sign some checks and read important documents. All that should take an hour, and then of course I am going to do a big tv interview, because America gives a crap about the president of a mining company.

—-

[HOWARD] Hey there! I’m the big-shot lawyer your father hired for you to take care of whoever is trying to bring down Ryan Mining! Did you know that your stock has been going down fast?

That’s not the only thing going down fast…

[78 minutes later]

Anyway, as I was saying, there are a few people I am going to go investigate to see if they are the culprit.

I thought you were a lawyer, not a private investigator…

Yea, but job titles don’t mean anything in this book.

Yea, here’s a job that matter…

[They do it on the desk.]

[COLIN WOLMAN]: Damn that Caitlin! It’s been a few years since she found out my scam to get her grandmother’s money, but I am still harboring on it because Caitlin is just so damn pretty and important not to obsess over.

[EVIL HENCHMAN]: Hey guy. You got the money? I’m ready to burn this gal’s barn down. I gotta know, what’s the reason?

I just want to watch her suffer! BWAHAHAHA!

Yea, well, it’s going to take more than two thousand bucks to get me to do this.

Oh yea, what will it take?

[They do it on the bar.]

Caitlin! Caitlin! I know who was trying to ruin your company! It was Colin Wollman! I stopped him. It will never happen again! He won’t try to do anything to you again!

Oh thank god! Thanks so much for saving my precious company. I really care about the less fortunate that my company employs. How about some caviar served by my house servants!

Hey Caitlin, I……oh Howard, I didn’t see you here.

Well, well, who do we have here?

[They do it while Caitlin watches. Some of the butlers and servants join in.]

Melanie, I can’t believe you are sneaking around and sleeping with Laurence! He has girlfriend! YOU TROLLOP!

I know, I am so ashamed. I need a man who can handle me better! Like this guy…what’s his name?

Omg, what’s that smell?

Well, you know, it’s …

No, something’s burning! I think it’s the stables!

[Outside]

Omg, I must save my precious horses! They’ll burn alive!

[sexily] Neigh! Neigh!

[Caitlin rushes in and Howard gets knocked unconscious.]

Oh my god! Someone help me! I’m just a woman!

Hey never fear! I just happened to jump on a plane to visit you at the exact time to get here and help you save everyone!

[Jed rushes in and pulls Howard from the wreckage.]

Well, Howard, looks like you need some mouth to mouth.

[They do it, while Caitlin and Melanie throw burning shrapnel on them.]

Wow, it looks like everything worked out!

Well, not EVERYTHING. I’ve decided that we are going to get married here and stay here. We’ll live at Ryan Acres and you’ll still be the head of Ryan Mining. Screw New York and our dreams!

Oh Jed, really? I can’t wait until we get married! Then we can finally have sex!

***This is actually the only time when the sex actually happened in the book. Before you get too excited, it was portrayed as Melanie and Laurence going to a romantic dinner, and skip to the next chapter where she is making breakfast for him while he is in the shower. I know, lame, but for a Francine Pascal book? Scandalous!

Caitlin and the City

This is just a typical story of what happens when you move to the big city to pursue your dreams. It’s a pretty typical story of the ups and downs of becoming an adult! The plan was for me and Jed to move to New York together after graduation. Not living together, silly! Of course our genitals will never be in plain view of each other! He was going to law school and was getting a measly editorial job at a magazine. I don’t want to buy my way through a career! I’m rich but I need to put in my dues as a regular folk! Except when it comes to renting an apartment. I have a two bedroom to myself.  Well, that was the plan, until Jed’s father dropped dead at our college graduation. And I mean that literally. He died at the ceremony at Carleton Hill college. Woopsies! He left Jed his farm, which Jed considered taking over and moving back to Montana, but thankfully he decided to sell it and come to New York anyway. Thanks god that didn’t get into the way of my plans.

Anyway, I was living the life of any measly editorial assistant at a magazine. I had a cubicle and deadlines, and I was a regular career girl. And like other career girls, I happened to be helping on a photo shoot for the magazine and the model happened to not show up and my friend Peter the photographer happened to be shooting it so they just happened to ask me to be the cover model. What’s a girl to do? This is to be expected from being a career girl.

Woopsies! The cover became a sensation and I got a modeling contract with a perfume company. So now I had to balance this job with my editorial job. Wait, what? You think I’d give that up? I have to keep it real, y’all. I have to at least try to live the life of the common folk, right? So Jed, being Jed, starts to get angry and jealous that I’m spending time with Peter, my exclusive photographer for the campaign. I’ll bet you didn’t know that about modeling, right? When you are hired by a company you always have the same photographer. Since Jed is jealous, it must be a Tuesday, so I’m not going to pay much attention.

Jed, however, started law school, but I am worried he is not studying. He seems to be running with a party crowd. They go to night clubs- ON A SCHOOL NIGHT! Never mind I’m jetting off to Paris for photo shoots, how dare he have a good time as well! And he misses classes sometimes! I make sure to keep a schedule of his classes and call him after each one to make sure he is going to them. How can he get annoyed by that? It means I care!

Meanwhile, Jed now thinks there’s something between me and Peter, and that Peter is interested in me? Which is so absurd! I’m Caitlin Ryan! I’m think and Rich! I’m in a Francine Pascal book! No one would ever be in love with me! But…woopsies, Peter is. I tell him I’m not interested, yet I show up around town with him at parities and drape myself on him. How can Jed ever get the wrong idea? Well, I should be hurt too because I’ve also seen him hanging out with some socialite who…..has had sex with more than two men! What TRASH! How dare he?

Back in Virginia, Grandmother Ryan gets very ill and have a stroke. I rush to her bedside, and probably look beautiful as my raven hair falls over my cheek as a grieve. I wish Peter were there to photograph it! Jed hears about this and rushes to be by my side. Despite all we have done and said to hurt each other, we don’t even need to adddress it because he gives me a passionate, loving kiss. I can’t believe we almost broke up! We promise each other wwe will never fight or mistrust each other again…at least until the next book in this trilogy.

The super evil plan to destroy Caitlin Ryan

“Oh Julian, I feel the same way,” Caitlin replied, full of love. “I wish I could take this moment and wrap it up and keep it forever.”

Just to recap: Caitlin started college and met Julian, who secretly hatched a plan with Caitlin’s roommate Louise to break up Jed and Caitlin to make Caitlin miserable. Louise’s motive was because Caitlin was more popular than her, and Julian ‘s motive was to get revenge on Caitlin because when they were kids, Caitlin was in his poor mining town to give out presents and she cried when he tried to touch her velvet coat. And he’s been jerking off to this memory for like 15 years.Caitlin was jealous of Jed maybe dating someone in Montana, and Julian swooped in and wooed Caitlin.

Caitlin is back at college and in a sorority, because of course in Francine’s world, if you are not in a sorority you might as well kill yourself. She is organizing a bit for the school’s talent show, because of course she has experience organizing male beauty pageant fundraisers. She makes fraternity brothers dress up in tutus and dance to Swan Lake. Which embodies my #1 pet peeve:  Males dressing in drag, acting femme or gay for comedy. Ugh.

Ok, so perhaps I feel a little bad for Caitlin because the people she thinks are her friends secretly hate her. She may even be having a worse freshman year than I did, which included Friday nights alone  binge eating and watching William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet on a loop.  Also? Julian’s revenge plan on Caitlin is the most complicated thing ever. His plan includes:

  1. Make Caitlin break up with Jed
  2. Make Caitlin fall in love with him
  3. Give up a job in Boston for the summer for a medical internship at Harvard
  4. Convince Caitlin to apply for the job he gave up and make sure she gets it
  5. Convince her to move to Boston
  6. Convince her to live with him in Boston
  7. Convince Caitlin to sleep with him
  8. Dump her ass!

Because we all know that once a woman sleeps with a man she is a dirty lady whore. Caitlin will be ruined forever! Bwahahaha! Also, there are a lot of what-ifs in this plan. Really Julian? Really? Why doesn’t he just sleep with her at college? The guy is a senior and has his own apartment. You mean to tell me they do nothing but snuggle? Come on, this a private liberal arts school in the 1980s. I’m surprised they are not doing lines off each other’s asses. In fact, all of Caitlin and Julian’s dates are ridiculous. They have picnics in the park with brie cheese and feed each other strawberries. He also makes her clam linguine for dinner and plays Grieg on the cd player. What college senior does that?

Oh yea, Caitlin goes home for a bit in the summer before shacking up with Julian in Boston to confront Nicole and Colin, who are two con artists trying to exploit Caitlin’s grandmother and her father and steal their money. This has been built up for like six books, but here Caitlin confronts them and they skip town. Yea, a privileged eighteen year old is not match for two experienced con artists.

I don’t have to tell you that Jed catches on to Julian’s plan and confronts them both. Which I assume is what is depicted on the cover. Caitlin stands by passively while Jed and his jean tuxedo faces off with Bruce Patman wannabe Jed. She of course can’t assert herself in this situation; why, she’s only a woman of course! By this time Julian has actually fallen in love with Caitlin despite his plans but of course, because Caitlin is so beautiful and rich and luminous. Caitlin goes back to Jed and they vow to never be separated again. Except until the next trilogy.

There was not a whole lot of horse riding in this one. Bummer.

The Worst YA Boyfriends, Pt. 2

Check out Part 1. I feel that these top five are pretty obvious.

5.Kurt from Sunset Island. Waaaahhhhhh, he’s working class, it’s sooo haaard being on this Island with all these rich tourists,when I had to work for a living, waaaaahhh, they don’t appreciate it, so I’m going to date one of the richest on the island and then throw it in her face all the time. And pressure her to get married. And seriously? The fights with Emma rival the Liz/Todd fights. Who would play him? Jason Priestly and his denim shirts:

4. Bruce Patman, Sweet Valley High. Well, his yuppy Republican charm sometimes gets through to me, but there’s no way we can forgive him for trying to take advantage of Liz while she was in her coma-induced slut phase. That, and the way he wears sweaters tied around his shoulders. Who would play him?


A young John Barrowman.

3.Mars from Pen Pals. Shanon’s pen pal was the goofy one. Firstly, he called himself mars, so there’s that, and he just tried way to hard to be goofy. He invented a pen holder, which was a handle to attach to a pen. I hate him. Who would play him?

Dustin Diamond.

2. Jed from the Caitlin series. Well, attempted sexual assualt is kind of an automatic guarantee to get on this list. But okay, we get it. You’re from Montana, You’re rugged and likem ranching. And you never really have anything interesting to say. Who would play him?

Anotnia Sabato, Jr. in underwear.

1. Todd “Wizzer” Wilkins from Sweet Valley High. Do I even have to justify it? The salty sweet kisses, the bad lovey dovey talk, the fighting, the cheating, the punching. And the fact he dates Liz. Who would play him?

C.Thomas Howell!

Alternative option: a giant douche.

Open -ended survey: Who did I miss on this list?

It’s so hard being Caitlin.

Once in a while, someone or something or some high power gives you a gift that makes everything makes sense. It gives me a focus, a purpose, a reason for going on. And that gift is Caitlin: Promises Broken.

Well well where to even to begin? The cover I guess, where Caitlin looks like a model for the JC Penny catalog, circa 1983. The guy coming on to her is supposed to be your standard college guy. You know the kind that wears sweater vests and brown wool blazers. And looks about 40. That’s Julian, a big man on campus. A big man on campus with psychopathic tendencies.

Caitlin has started college at Carleton Hill and Jed is off at agricultural college on Montana. Caitlin’s college, I swear, was imagined by someone who went to college in 1942. Where all the kids hang out in the student union sipping sodas on Friday night. Chyea. A small private college in the middle of nowwhere? More like kids snorting lines of coke off some girl who is naked except for gold lame American Apparel shorts.

Caitlin’s roommate is some sophomore Louise and Louise is all pissed because last year, she was the most popular girl (of the college? Who claims that?) and now everyone just loves Caitlin because she so pretty and awesome and cool and pretty and nice and pretty. Louise is pissed because SHE was the most popular girl last year. Hon, if you are so popular, why are you rooming with a frosh?

Caitlin pines over Jed and plays the martyr and stays in and rejects the THOUSANDS of guys who ask her out. Meanwhile Louise befriends Julian who is strangely obsessed with Caitlin and after he hears that she has a long-distance boyfriend, he becomes obsessed with breaking them up and enlists Louise in his plan. And Louise doesn’t find this weird? Oh right, she’s totally into the plan because Caitlin. must. SUFFER! For taking away her popularity.

Oh, and Julian? Is really…dun dun dun….Jared Stokes! The one that Caitlin met as a kid and when he went to touch her uxurious coat, she freaked out. And this man has been holding this grudge ever since. Seriously. And he probably found the coat Caitlin wore as a child, and sobs and jerks off on it everynight in his dorm room.

So, it is just so rough being as beautiful and awesome as Caitlin, that it’s like dangerous to her, because people will be driven to jealousy! It’s too much to handle! Caitlin has it sooooo haaaard!

So how do they plan on destroying Caitlin? By breaking up her and Jed, so she will know what it’s like to suffer! She’s has everything handed to her her whole life, she needs to know what it’s like to lose. Okay, I’m not one to defend Caitlin, but uh, her mom died when she was born and she didn’t know her father at all. That’s just a lil shitty, come on give her credit for that.

So there is about 75% of the book where Caitlin gets jealous of Jed and Eve being at college together, which gets old before it even starts. Francine, it’s not like we’ve read 100+ books of Liz and Todd and that bullshit. To give Jed credit, he doesn’t have time for Caitlin’s insecure bullshit either. He actually writes an assertive, somewhat straighforward letter.

Caitlin-

I’ll make this letter short. Since you said you’ll be too busy to write much in the next few weeks, I take it that means that you won’t have the time to read my letters either.

I don’t really know what is going on, Caitlin. I can only make guesses. But whatever it is, I don’t like it.

First you call my dorm-so early in the morning that everyone wanted to know what the emergency was- just to check up on me. Then you follow up with a letter telling me how busy you’re going to be because of this sorority you’ve joined. Was the letter meant to make me jealous? If it was, I don’t really appreciate it. I thought our relationship was much deeper.

Or pehaps what you are trying to say is that you’vegone back to being the party girl you were when I first met you. If that’s it, hen obviously you’ve found the right place. Carleton Hill sounds like a real party school.

If you’re too busy to write, I guess I’ll be busy myself for a while. There’s a rodeo coming up, and Eve and I are teaming up for the bulldogging and steer-roping events.

Well, do write if you have the time. And I’ll try to do the same.

Jed

Nice handled Jed! Looks like you’ve been reading this site.

Then in a bizarre plot point, creepy Julian invites Caitlin and her friend Ginny to a group trip to Ft. Lauderdale, and he goes off the grid for creepiness, because as a senior, doesn’t he have other friends than these freshmen girls? And suddenly Caitlin is in love with him and they share a passionate kiss on the beach, and of course don’t have sex.

So it’s over with her and Jed…OR IS IT?

Caitlin: Tender Promises, A Dramatic Reading

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Caitlin looks knocked up. And that outfit is wuite unflattering. Remember vests? My first day of sixth grade, I wore black leggings, a huuuuuuge t-shirt and a tapestry vest. Hot. Also, that must be Jed, whispering in her ear and threatening to murder her if she makes a sound.

Anyway, we’re lucky to have quite an ensemble of thespians for this one. There’s like a zillion subplots, so let’s do some introductions.

Once again. we are lucky to assembel tinsletown’s finest for a dramatic reading of Caitling____, the first book in the promise series. There are tons of characters, so let’s review before we begin.

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Megan Fox returns as Caitlin

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Brian Bloom as All-American boy Jed

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George Hamilton as Dr. Westlake, Caitlin’s biological father

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Betty White at Regina Ryan, Caitlin’s Gram-mama

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Wes Bentley as Creepy Jared

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Mining Ladies and Mining wives (they don’t get names because they are working class and not attractive)

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John Malkovich as Colin Wollman, the new lawyer for Ryan Mining

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Lisa Rinna as Nicole Wollman, Colin’s bombshell sister

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Taylor Momsen as Melanie Michaels, Jed’s kid sis

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Naked Miley Cyrus as Eve, Melanie’s scheming best friend

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Artax the sad Horse as Charge Account, a nimble steed

Continue reading

Caitlin, True Love: A Dramatic reading

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Tonight’s dramatic reading of Caitlin: True Love will be performed by:

Megon Fox ………. Caitlin Ryan
Generic Abracrombie Model …………. Jed Michaels
William Zabka …………… Laurence
Anne Ramsey ………….. Regina Ryan
Freddy Highmore …………….. Ian
My Little Pony ……………… Duster
George Hamilton……………… Dr. Westlake

PhotobucketOh Caitlin, thanks for picking me, despite you still being in love with Jed. I know my blond good looks and pleated chinos totally turn you on.

PhotobucketYes, Laurence, you are a nice second choice. Ever since Jed dumped me for admitting that I was the one that poisoned the dean’s son and made him paralyzed, I need a distraction.

PhotobucketGreat. Let’s go dust our mallard duck decoys and be mean to our housekeepers.

—-

PhotobucketJed! Funny running into you here! Can’t we talk?

PhotobucketNo, bitch! ps, I’m distant and aloof.

PhotobucketWhy won’t you talk to meeeeeeeeeeee?

PhotobucketYou’re not who I thought you are. You poison little kids and lie about it.

PhotobucketOh the agony! My only relief is riding my horse Duster.

PhotobucketNeigh.

———–

PhotobucketCaitlin, can I talk to you?

PhotobucketNo, go away! I know that we found out that you are really my father, but I have to deny myself any chance of happiness so I can heighten the drama in my life!

PhotobucketOk. I’ll be back at my super successful medical practice thinking of your mother, who I didn’t even know was pregnant.

PhotobucketHi Caitlin! I am glad you are spending so much time with me! It really is nice that it doesn’t seem like you have an unterior motive or anything.

PhotobucketYes Ian! With the power of my goodness and reformed bitchiness, by god you will walk again!….But I must confess about what I did….I left the shed door open and you as a stupid child went in and ate chemicals, and somehow that made your legs paralyzed. That doesn’t seem to make medical sense, but it happened!

PhotobucketI hate you! Never talk to me again!

———–

PhotobucketYay! I am so excited to be going on this field trip! I am glad that Gradmother allowed the school to use her abandoned mining site for our picnic! Nothing can go wrong!

PhotobucketYea, maybe I can get to first base with you, finally.

PhotobucketSure, why don’t we take a walk and exlore some abandoned tunnels? That seems totally safe and harmless.

PhotobucketOK!………Hey what’s down here?

PhotobucketLaurence, noooo!

PhotobucketHalp! I’m trapped!

PhotobucketLet me help you!

PhotobucketAh, now I’m stuck!

PhotobucketDon’t worry! I’ll save you both!

PhotobucketJed! I thought you hated me!

PhotobucketYes, but now that your life hangs in danger, I can’t live without you!

PhotobucketI love you too Jed!

PhotobucketUm, can someone please save me?

—-

PhotobucketOh Caitlin! For all these years I’ve withheld my love from you! But now I must tell you that I am a bitter old bitch and let’s make this about you!

PhotobucketMy life is perfect! I’m beautiful, raven-haired, and I’ve managed everyone in my life to focus solely on me! What could POSSIBLY go wrong in my future………….

Caitlin is made of win

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Ads for the Caitlin Love Trilogy series starting appearing in the back of the SVH books and I was foaming at the mouth to read them. Of course, because they took place at a boarding school. And you all know how I feel about boarding schools.

The cover I found was the one pictured above, but I remember the copy I owned way back when had an actualy photograph of Caitlin, and I remember she was wearing a white peasant shirt and had a huge need for some hot oil treatment.

Well, well, where can I even start to explain the intense, complex entity that is Caitlin Ryan? Think Jessica Wakefield, but brunette (oh sorry- “raven-haired”) and a trust fund. Caitlin goes to Highgate Academy, a waspy boarding school in rural Virginia. She was raised by her grandmother after her parents died when she was a baby. Grams is a mining magnate and is killing the earth one day at a time. Grams is not very affectionate towards Caitlin because Caitlin killed her mother by coming out of her.

Caitlin’s family had a long history of owning plantations, and that is supposed to impress us?

Because Caitlin lives a loveless, but materialistic life, she is looking for that one man that will fulfill her life. I think that Francine decided that this makes for a romantic story, but seriously, for me, it translates to Caitlin needing the admiration of others and attention from boys to validate herself. Not very romantic. Kind of sad. Good one, Francine.

Jed Michaels is the new guy from Montana, and he is extremely bland and has kind of an accent. In other words, Caitlin is getting her panties in a twist over him. However, he doesn’t fall at her feet so what the fuck is wrong with him? His cousin Emily is also at Highgate and they have a friend Diana Chasen who is a SCHOLARSHIP GIRL!!! Oooooh, I’ll bet she wears ragged pants and has dirt smeared on her face. She’s also ultra shy, and Jed feels protective of her. Caitlin gets really annoyed about this, but to tell you the truth, I’m kind of on her side. Diana like, needs someone to cut her meat for her.

Caitlin has a super special magical party at Grams’ house one weekend under the guise of nabbing Jed, but Diana gets all needy and he spends the time with her. Caitlin is all pissed because she put on her best leather pantsuit for him. Yes, that’s what she wore.

She also tries to nab Jed by taking him riding and having the world’s most boring conversations with him. Seriously, I have more game than Caitlin. There’s also a lot of horse talk in this one, I guess to appeal to girls with the generalization that girls love horses. Fun fact: I hate horses, always have. In fact, I may have a little phobia. I don’t like animals that are bigger than humans, I feel like they could overcome humans in a matter of minutes.

At one point Caitlin gets pissed because Jed seems to be paying more attention to her horse than him. Fuck.

There’s also a pointless fundraiser that Caitlin puts on, which is a male beauty pageant. The guys dress as farmers and Napoleon and other gay stuff. One guy does drag and he of course wins. You all know how I feel about using drag for comedy, so I’m not touching that.

Are you ready for the big drama? Diana babysits for the headmaster because the school has to further alienate her by parading her socioeconomic status around. Caitlin goes to borrow a pitchfork for the pageant and leaves the shed open on the family’s property and the kid goes in and eats poison wheat or something. So the kid is on a coma and Diana is so ashamed she drops out of school and rumor has it she’s in…public school! Oh the horror! Caitlin doesn’t tell anyone she was responsible because she’ll never get Jed in her clutches.

BUT! Since Caitlin is acting all mopey and depressed about her guilt, that only makes Jed want her MORE! So, the moral of the story is, if you are beautiful, you’ll always get your way no matter what. Jed and Caitlin have a picnic, swap some spit, and then are throwing out the “I love yous” after about five minutes.

She decides not to tell Jed about her secret because she’s a narcissistic maniac and decides its more important to have his attention than to come clean. Hundred bucks say that at some later book he finds out.

Quotey time!

Caitlin’s house: “Caitlin noticed the three of them looking around the impressive interior, taking in the beauty of the high-ceilinged hall with its crystal chandelier, the graceful, curving staircase, the priceless oil paintings on the walls, the Persian carpet on the gleaming marble floor, the Chippendale side chairs, and Hepplewhite ball table.” Wow, twelve year olds really care about Chippendale chairs.

Jed’s taking lessons from Patman!

“I love you, Jed.” She let him pull her closer, and his mouth covered hers, she was enveloped again in a dizzying cloud of happiness, until his hand slid slowly , gently over her breast and down the curve of her hip. She tensed. The subtle pressure of his hand made her aware of where they were heading. Racy!

“Caitlin drew her fingers through her long, black hair, pulling it away from her face in a way she knew was becoming, yet seemed terribly innocent.” Isn’t Caitlin a peach?

Caitlin: a teaser

I just finished the first book in the Caitlin series and omgf, what a doozie. I haven’t had time yet to do a review but I HAD to post the back cover description. Make sure you have an empty stomach.

Caitlin. Beautiful. Dazzling. Charming. Outrageous. Rich. Unfrorgettable. And very, very clever.

To everyone at her exclusive boarding school, she seems to have it all. But there is a secret need that haunts her life.

A need for love.

And only one boy can make her forget her cold home life can fullfill her need for love: handsome, sensitive Jed Michaels. Jed, who has already given his heart to another girl.

Still, headstrong Caitlin is determined to win him for herself, one way or another. But then a tragedy occurs, a terrible event that has such far-reaching consequences that not even the incomparable Caitlin can deal with them….

Loving is the first in a series about the stubborn, raven-haired beauty, Caitlin. There’s never been a heroine like her.

Ihatewheat. Sick to her stomach. Repulsed. Rolling her eyes. And very, very ready to tear this book a new one.