Oh, just murder them already!

WHEN SHADOW PUPPETS GO BAD

UUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHH you guys I thought I had closed the chapter on the original Super Thrillers. To my chagrin (what’s a chagrin?) there is STILL this one and I don’t get it, it’s still summer, but Liz is with Todd, and they are still interns at the Sweet Valley News, and somehow they are not aware that this Seth guy writes mystery novels in his spare time. What is going on? Is Joseph Gordon-Levitt about to come in and kick Jessica’s chair over (better yet, a kick in the face).

So, yea. There’s a recent murder in town. Jessica overhears phone calls. The police are inept. Parents are not consulted. Drugs are involved. Jessica meets a twenty something accountant who of course has no choice in life but to ask her out. But he’s an undercover cop. Because, of course he is. There’s drugs in Sweet Valley! Someone must stop this! Jessica gets held hostage by their boss at the newspaper and is almost murdered. Liz saves the day at the last minute. After the FOURTH time Jessica is almost murdered in the same summer (or is it?) she skips off ready to shop at the mall and to get a boner over the latest hunky janitor who was just hired, or something.

Good Lord. Please don’t make me spell out the plot further. As Murtaugh would say….

And in case you haven’t heard…the SWEET VALLEY TEN YEARS LATER website has launched, confirming the actual release of Sweet Valley Confidential. I will admit, I didn’t believe that it would actually happen! But it IS for real! Although ten years for SV is practically 25 years for us. They must be 4 levels of dreams under…I’m going to implant the idea in their brains that Liz should shut the hell up. (Can’t stop with the Inception references!)I have my thoughts on the first chapter at a later time. Thanks to the site for linking me. And not hating me for crapping all over the author they represent. And who would have thought Francie liked poker?

And some housekeeping- I’d like to update the links to the right. If I am missing yours or someone else’s YA blog, drop me an email.

Coming soon- my interview with Amanda Howells, former Sweet Valley University ghostwriter and a giveaway of her new book….

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32 thoughts on “Oh, just murder them already!

  1. Vanessa Saxton says:

    How did I never hear of this one? Or did it just blend together in my mind with all of the other super thrillers were they intern and save the day once again? I thought it looked like a “SV Twins” cover, too. Jess looks really young.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I never heard of it either…I also thought it looked Sweet Valley Twins!

    Thanks for sharing Sweet Valley Confidential, I couldn’t wait, I had to read it straight away…dear god, I felt as though I was reading the start of a Jackie Collins novel.

    I am flummoxed that the twins are now 5ft 7. It just doesn’t feel real.

    • Whallie says:

      I too thought this looked like a Twins cover. These girls have been almost murdered like every other book. Why are they not in a Witness Protection Program? It’s like a weird Side Show Bob and Bart Simpson episode.

  3. Ravenous World says:

    I remember buying this book! However must have been a riveting plot cause I eased this one from my mind completely. I vaguely remember being annoyed because I was looking forward to the follow up after the prom when Sam and Liz had the drunken accident and was pissed I had to wait an extra month cause this shite came out.

    SVC: omg I rushed to read the first chapter! My dreams have been dashed, like a moron I had high hopes that it might be… good… Sweet Valley never fails with its crap. But this is like “put a bullet in my head” crap, rather than its so crap its some what amusing. Some story different Sweet Valley book. Actually isn’t it “Elizabeth” all over again (not sure I never actually read the final SVU books or Elizabeth, but I have heard). Elizabeth is a ho (I want the chastity belt not Carrie Bradshaw ugh. Save the STD scares for Jessica) and is as boring as bat shit (but you do wanna bitch slap her right after the third sentence). Bruce isnt.. well Bruce. For gods sake if Jessica is anything but a nasty skank I’ll personally organise a protest to burn every book in existence.

    FINALLY, Francine Pascal: If you read this, I can’t stress enough – drop the god damn product placement crap. Did you learn nudda from SVH 08 flopping?

    Ok I feel better now!

    • JMS says:

      I read the first chapter, too, and was disappointed. It’s really not very good. Light satire would have been a better way to approach this. I mean, come on–the Wakefield twins existing anywhere outside Sweet Valley? The idea is rife with possibilities for humor, but I don’t think this author is going to go there. Too bad.

      And the Elizabeth I know wouldn’t have sex with some random dude in her building just because, nor would she be besties with Bruce, nor would she be all alone in NYC, working on a no-name publication. She and Todd (or some other coffee-eyed tool) would have gotten married by age 25 and lived boringly ever after in SV.

      And yeah, how can she be 5’7″? I don’t know any girls who grew after 16.

  4. Sorcia MacNasty says:

    Bwah! I remember this one because when I got it, I had a skirt EXACTLY like the floral nightmare that Jess is wearing on the cover. As she skulks around a stucco rooftop that overlooks her high school, apparently.

    Also, was watching Showgirls last night (don’t jusge) and I realized that Naomi is totally how I always imagined Jess to behave in the books. You know, if Jess would ball up, move to Vegas and become a Showgirl. And have some actual sexes.

  5. LP says:

    Hahaha, I remember this book very well. Jessica’s boss got all stoned and tried to throw her off the building. And the druggies that Jessica eavesdropped on had code names like Greenback and Fox or something. HAHAAH

    I also read the first chapter of the new SV book … it was okay … but I was also confused about why an extra inch was added to Liz’s height! I also laughed out loud when she put on a Sweet Valley shirt to go to bed! It just seemed so … appropriate, in a cheesy way.

    It sounds like we are going to get another tired storyline in the book with Jessica stealing Liz’s man … I felt like that’s what this chapter was implying …

    I have an SV site, but it’s probably too long-winded and overly detailed. I have fun with it though. It’s at snarkvalley.wordpress.com.

  6. maybeimamazed02 says:

    Keep the Inception references coming. I just want to tell Joseph Gordon-Levitt to give me a kiss.

    This sounds absolutely horrendous, though I will definitely check out the new Sweet Valley site with the Magically Growing Liz!

  7. Jen S says:

    Jesus, yes. If Joseph Gordon-Leavitt gives me a kiss he can kick my chair all he wants!

    Jessica should die for that skirt alone. Mennonite tweens would take one look and say “Yeahhhh… thanks but no thanks.”

    An undercover cop dates an underage girl! How delightful and appropriate! Whole lotta under goin’ on.

    • BartTempleton says:

      Yes, WTF at Jessica and Lila frequently “dating” 20-22 year olds and everyone around them barely blinking? I guess the mid-80s were a more innocent time, a time before ugliness like statutory rape laws made its way into the garden.

  8. Little Edie says:

    I am soo excited to hear your reaction to the first chapter excerpt of SV 10 yrs later. When I first read it, I honestly thought it was a joke but when I thought more about it, I realized it HAD to be for real, for all its poorly written, convienent pop culture reference and scandalous tidbits goodness. Seriously, ihatewheat, you would have done a better job with this, but at least we have your re cap to look forward to!

  9. Neek1981 says:

    That skirt Jess is wearing looks very Lisa Turtle-ish. All she needs is day-glo jewelry to complete the Lisa look. Jess’s skirt also reminds me of one I used to wear to Sunday school when I was twelve…And she’s wearing it with a plain white T-shirt? Please don’t tell me this qualifies as high fashion in Sweet Valley! What would the Unicorns say?

    This cover also reminds me of every Nancy Drew cover from the 80s and 90s. It always featured Nancy looking way to old for her age and looking all shocked and scared as some hand reached out to her, etc. God, I ate that shit up when I was twelve! But I agree with the above poster, Jess does look much younger here.

    • IWantYourSass says:

      Neek, you nailed it, this cover is so 90’s nancy drew!

      I don’t even want to talk about SV Confidential. I’m afraid I’ll pull out my own hair. That chapter was…BRUTAL.

      (More Inception! More Inception!)

      • BartTempleton says:

        Well, Jimmy did count several NANCY DREW FILES covers amongst his masterworks.

        I’m not knocking his artistic ability, you know. He has skills.

  10. Magpie says:

    The creepy shadow on the cover made me laugh for ages. It looks more like somebody doing a dance with jazz hands. I don’t remember ever reading this, probably because I steered well clear of most of the mysteries. The only thing more ridiculous than SVH Super Thrillers are the BSC mystery books.

    As for SV Confidential, I am embarrassingly excited that it’s actually happening. I didn’t think the first chapter was that bad – OK, so it’s Sweet Valley, so we all know what level to expect. But I’ve really enjoyed some of Francine’s non-Sweet Valley books, so I’ll be interested to read her work, rather than the ghostwriters’. Anyway, I’ll save the rest until you do a post about the chapter!

      • Magpie says:

        Haha! Spirit fingers are probably more threatening than any of the villains that appear in SVH. (With the possible exception of John Marin, who did actually cause me a sleepless night, convinced he was hiding under my bed with a knife.)

  11. Neek1981 says:

    You know who they should have hired to write the new SVH Confidential? Judy Blume. She would be perfect! She knows how to write for both adults and teenagers. She also knows how to do sex without making it raunchy! If the new book was written in the tone of books like Judy Blume’s Forever or Summer Sisters, then it could be good. But from the comments above, it sounds like crap. I’m still gonna buy it though, how pathetic am I?

  12. Mary Anne Bruno says:

    Of course I read Ch.1 as soon as I could. I am disappointed that Todd and Elizabeth aren’t together. And that it is implied that he dumped her…for Jessica?! And I had a hard time reading that Elizabeth had an affair. It’s so contrary to her. And the word orgasm…I flinched. Orgasm in a SV book?
    I could definitely see Elizabeth drinking white wine…but Beyonce, JT? hahaha, I laughed out loud. She definitely struck me more as a Norah Jones or Michael Buble girl.
    All this to say…I CAN’T WAIT for March 2011!

    I agree that Jess looks like a 13 year old. Definitely looks like a SV Twins book. And the undercover cop…I wonder if 21 Jump Street was big during this time? Francine’s ghostie probably had Officer Hanson in mind.

    • Vanessa Saxton says:

      Have you read the secret diaries? Liz was notorious for cheating. She made out with Jeffrey while Todd was hiding in her closet (or was it the other way around????) And what about the Ken Matthew affair?

      • Mary Anne Bruno says:

        By affair, I meant sexual exploit….She was a cheating tease from the beginning…

  13. BartTempleton says:

    I’m still somewhat in shock at Francine’s publisher linking to IHW. Yoo-hoo, St. Martin’s Press! This is a blog dedicated to viciously tearing apart Francine’s immortal creation.

    However, I probably do speak for more than a few of the regular commentators when I say we, like many eleven year old boys before us, only pull SVH’s braids because we secretly like it.

  14. I hate meat. says:

    That @#?!!$! website kept telling me I was too young to read their book!!! I’m middle aged, for cryin’ out loud!
    WAAHH!

    Why don’t they just have the chapter out in the open for everyone to read if they’re offering a free preview, huh? Don’t get it.

    *Stomps off to bed.*

    • BartTempleton says:

      >>>>”Why don’t they just have the chapter out in the open for everyone to read if they’re offering a free preview, huh?”

      Because it’s confidential. Shhhhh….

      Actually, they wouldn’t let me sign up either. I think it might have been my Windows blocking sites it perceived as junk.

      If it’s copy and pasteable, can anyone here email it to IHW so she can email it to me?

  15. Whallie says:

    I spent the last two days rereading the SVH “full line up” on here in order. It still doesn’t make sense in general, but it makes more sense about what is going on when you start from book one and go to the next.

    Yes, the always summer time thing doesn’t make sense when every day is like summer time in Cali. Also, does no one in SV speak another language other than English, even a little? I’m surprised Lila’s mother has never taught her French. They are so sheltered in their little valley, aren’t they.

  16. Gillianna says:

    Jessica stole my mum’s outfit. Although for once, she does actually look like a normal 16 year old.

    The SVConfidential seems… extremely weird. But I am so over Liz/Todd. I hate Todd- I hate that there is yet another love triangle and that he gets to be in it. And I’m not sure I like Bruce becoming a snuggly best friend. :S I want bad boy Bruce with paper cups and 1Bruce1 and snarky comments.

  17. opangster says:

    I just read the first chapter and I want more! does this make me pathetic? I hope Liz turns out to be a major slut!

  18. Kathy says:

    I don’t get the hate for that ONE chapter of the new book. After all, it’s only one small chapeter. Not the whole book. And I think it’s great that things aren’t the way we thought they would be. This being Francine Pascal, I just figured if they did an update book things would be perfect for the Twins. Liz of course would be the best selling author. And Jess would be a big time movie star. And Liz and Todd would get married. None of that has seemed to happen. And I for one am thrilled.

    That would have been taking the easy way out.

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