On the Run: The ending gives away the story, dumbass

It’s the clip-art magnifying glass of doom! Despite witnessing the murder of their houseguest’s girlfriend and then almost being butchered in a garage, the twins lives are pretty much back to the ho-hum of Sweet Valley. They are back interning at the Sweet Valley news for free, and Elizabeth is still believing that one day the editor will give her the assignment of her life, she’ll write it and win the Pulitzer Prize. Keep making coffee and making photocopies, loser.

Meanwhile, the news has a new intern named Darcy Kaymen, who is a redhead and immediately takes a dislike to Elizabeth, who she deems as pompous and boring. We love Darcy! The great thing is, Liz doesn’t try to win Darcy over and concert her to a Wakefield-worshipping zombie, she just kinds of sits and takes it. Awesome! Meanwhile, Darcy and Jessica become besties, because they both enjoy lipgloss and psychopathology.

But oooooo, there’s national news about a well-known criminal case in New York. Frank DeLucca, a notorious mafia leader was arrested but people are afraid to testify against him. Ned has something to say about it: He “feared that DeLucca might be let off and horrible chain of underworld crime would continue.” Because they live in a 1930s film noir. And this guy’s conviction would make New York virtually crime free. Rumor has it that they found a witness but he was going into the witness protection program.

Meanwhile…there’s a new guy, Eric,  that works in the coffeeshop downstairs. He just moved to town and seems very mysterious. I WONDER HOW THAT IS RELATED TO THE SEEMINGLY PASSING MENTION OF SOMEONE GOING INTO THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM. Darcy gets hard on for him, but Liz gets a bigger hard on when she finds out that Eric likes sappy love poetry. This makes Darcy mad, so she hates Elizabeth more. Some other business comes up where Darcy thinks that Eric is really some guy who murdered a girl in Shaker Heights, Ohio, and that Liz is in trouble, but meanwhile some weird guys in suits are following the twins around but meanwhile, some kid starts choking in the coffeeshop and Eric’s father is revealed to be…dum dum dum….the doctor who testified! of COURSE they moved to Sweet Valley of all places.

Just when everyone has a big laugh about the mixup and about to head to Casey’s for a deep fried quadruple scoop of bacon and nutella ice cream, some of DeLucca’s guys come in and hold Eric’s family and Liz hostage! Liz somehow saves the day by teaching Eric and his father about the power of trust and they are saved, the bad guys are arrested, and the seedy crime underworld is virtually eradicated. Yay!

I couldn’t deny you the pleasure of hearing Eric’s poetry that caused Elizabeth’s high-wasted briefs in a knot.

No sparrows light here

the sheaves picked clean,

and summer gone

with nothing left to stave off cold

or hunger.

Maybe to love

is always to hurt deeply and not just

to hurt, but to destroy,

knowing this

awful farewell

has been in store for us.

Liz was ready to cheat on Jeffrey with this sap. The only thing stopping them from getting to third base was that Eric and his dad needed to leave Sweet Valley and go ON THE RUN again. See what they did there? Good thing that the nothing else crazy and murder-related happens during this summer….except when it does.

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19 thoughts on “On the Run: The ending gives away the story, dumbass

  1. Goldray says:

    That poem… I guess the best thing about it is that it is over. However, after suffering through all three of her secret diaries, I can see how Elizabeth would think that this guy was a winner. They are obviously the same kind of writer.

  2. Lexie says:

    Who would want the vanilla Elizabeth when Darcy (best one-time character next to the masterpiece that is Lila) rocks the boat? Of course, Elizabeth saved the girl some time in not having to read crappy angst poems.

  3. Whallie says:

    Wait! Liz is held hostage AGAIN and it doesn’t phase her???

    Plus, instead of being totally freaked out to the point of passing out she gives lessons of trust instead!!! Has she NOT read all the books or even THIS ONE about “trust”. She can’t even keep her bean from quivering for five fucking seconds to not cheat on her bf when some stranger mentions writing. GAWD! I CAN’T STAND HER BS!!!

    • BartTempleton says:

      LMAO at “lessons of trust.”

      LMAO, in fact at the tone of your whole post. Poor Whallie; you seem genuinely frustrated and put out by the indignities heaped on we readers in the name of “Wakefield.”

      • Whallie says:

        Bart, don’t get me wrong, I hate to love these books. I just secretly get upset because my name is Elizabeth too. LMFAO! That’s why I changed it to Whallie. OK. Not really. That’s my pet bird’s name. I’m gonna pull a Todd Wilkins now *WINK*

  4. Jen S says:

    I’ve gotta say, that poem is perfect. Not good, perfect, in that it is the utter, quinessential distillation of bad, bad teen poetry–the blank verse, the “stark” imagery, the “I thought Love Was Beautiful. But No. True Love is Naught But Weeping, and I, Only I, was Chosen to Bear The Burden of this Woeful Truth. Oh, That this Too Too Solid Flesh Would Melt–Wait, Hang On A Minute, The Button’s Stuck On My Second-Hand Stratford-Upon-Avon Copy Of Hamlet I Picked Up At That Hippie Bookstore–Okay, There. Love, it is…” And so on.

  5. Magpie says:

    Oh God, make the poetry stop! Could they not have found an actual poet to write something for them to use? (Or, perhaps too radical a suggestion, just not have included samples of their poetry.) I swear it’s Sweet Valley’s fault that I have poetry resembling this crap in my own school notebooks.

    “a deep fried quadruple scoop of bacon and nutella ice cream”

    I think this is a contender for best image in a recap. And now I’m kind of curious about how it would taste.

    • Magpie says:

      To clarify: I meant “Or, perhaps too radical a suggestion, just not have included samples of their poetry in the books”. I am of course grateful to Ihatewheat for giving us all access to said poems, and providing some of the best laughs I’ve had in ages.

  6. BartTempleton says:

    It is really interesting how psychology works, isn’t it?

    There we were, 8-12 year olds reading in a Todd book that Liz gets a hankering for a Jeffrey, and reading in a Jeffrey book that Liz gets a hankering for a Nicholas, and…

    Yet, we believed Francine when she had the ghostwriters tell us that Liz was “the good” twin. The “loyal friend.” The sensible rock in the crashing ocean of Jessica’s boy-craziness.

    ALL SIGNS POINTED TO THE OPPOSITE.

    • Goldray says:

      I think the message that the writers were trying to send to young girls was that if you are BLOND and THIN, then you are a winner. Boys will love you; you’ll have your pick of the the hottest guys in school. However, if you are BRUNETTE and a SIZE 7 or LARGER, you are a loser. You are pathetic and worthless and will be lucky if a loser like Ronnie Edwards wants to treat you like a doormat. I could be wrong, of course, but that was the message I got right before I started the Heather Mallone diet. 😉

      • Vanessa Saxton says:

        Yes the brunettes (“mousy brown” described Lynne Henry and that Ginny girl from Best Friends Boyfriend) were the biggest losers! However, the “raven black hair” girls were hot, though, right? Suzanne Devlin, Regina Morrow, then that girl Bruce dated past the 100’s who looked like Regina, but was “easy” she had black hair, too. Other than Lila were there any “hot” brunettes?

      • Goldray says:

        Yeah, Vanessa, their was one other hot brunette I can think of. It was Robin Wilson after she lost about 500 pounds in a week. But then once she got hot, they had to get rid of her. I think her family moved to Colorado. I guess Connecticut was already full from the rest of Sweet Valley rejects having to relocate there.

    • Whallie says:

      I really want need to find out what the deal is with Francine’s bio. If she didn’t write these books but acted the way she writes in real life, she’d be in a padded room with a box of crayons, or living in some weird cult Caucasian gated community and never leaving the compound.

  7. Mary Anne Bruno says:

    Dang. How many books are there of them interning there? And I still can’t understand why Jessica interns there. I mean, I know she has to be involved in some way, but still…

  8. Neek1981 says:

    The only thing I remember about this one is that Jessica thought Darcy was “curvy”…or some word that means basically the same thing. I’m still trying to figure out why curvy is bad. I like the idea of someone in Sweet Valley having an ass, besides Lois Waller. 🙂

    I agree with everyone else. Darcy was a good character. Anyone who doesn’t like a Wakefield can’t be all bad.

    Good recap.

    • Vanessa Saxton says:

      Lois is a size 10, though right? I think it’s mentioned somewhere. Shame on you, Francie. If you want a fat character at least make her fat.

  9. lilytv says:

    Sadly, I thought this book was all kinds of awesome when I was 9. The romance, the intrigue, the tracheotomy made this the epitome of literature to my young brain.

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