Trouble at Home, as acted by the cast of Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room”

Picture provided by L.L.Bean's special emo edition

Ned: Oh hi Alice.

Alice: Oh…hey Ned.

Ned: Wow, you look really sexy.

Alice: I guess. My mother has breast cancer. And I just got a big interior decorating design job at the mall, so I won’t be around more.

Ned: Wow, that’s great Alice. Haha.

Alice: Did you get the big case at work?

Ned: No.

Alice: You didn’t get it, did you?

Ned: No, it’s not fair. I have to work harder. But I bought you something.

Alice: Flowers again! I love you!

Ned: I love you to, Lisa. Let’s do it.


[The next day…]

Alice: Hey everyone, sorry I’m home late. I was spending lots of time on my important architecture project.

Steven: Hi everyone.

Ned: Oh hi Steven!

Steven: I’m home from college.

Ned: Oh that’s nice. Your mother and I are going upstairs.

Steven: Can I come?

Ned: Oh, Steven, you are so funny. Haha.

Alice: Steven, I told you not to!

Steven: I just like to watch you guys. You are like the perfect couple.

Alice: btw, the way, I have to work tomorrow also.

Ned: Alice, YOU ARE TEARING ME APART! You don’t care about this family at all!

Alice:  I don’t want to talk about it!


Maria: Oh my god Liz, my father, the mayor, was framed as a briber. Now he will go on trial. He needs a lawyer.

Liz: My dad will probably do it.

Maria: Thanks Liz. Your dad is my dad’s favorite lawyer.

Ned: That’s me!

Liz: Dad, are you going to defend Mr. Santelli in his bribery trial?

Ned: Yes. No one hurts Peter. Those motherfaaaaakers.

Steven: Thanks for meeting me for coffee. So Dad, how’s your sex life?

Ned: Oh Steven, not so great. Maria Santelli’s father, the former mayor, asked me to defend him in his trial. I’m a very important lawyer, who can practice every type of law. Although, this will cause your mother and I to see each other even less.

Steven: Oh that’s too bad. Well, I have to get going.


Liz: Oh my gosh! Mom and Dad fighting is awful. It makes me not believe in love.

Enid: Oh hi Liz, I didn’t know that was you. You are my favorite friend.

Liz: Yes, that’s me. I am so glad we are going on vacation as a family. It will finally reunite my parents. No work will be involved. Although, I did give my mom’s secretary the number at the cabin just in case they need her.

Ned: Oh wow, we are taking a vacation and you invited the whole family. What a good idea.

Alice: Yes, but I just have a little work to do.

Steven: Mom, you promised!

Liz: Mom, the front desk says you have a call from your secretary.

Ned: That’s it! Everyone deceived me! I hate everyone! Goodbye world!

Liz: I can’t believe Mom’s secretary called us on vacation and Dad got so mad he said they were getting separated!

Jess: Oh Liz, stop being judgmental. I can do what I want. In fact, since Mom and Dad are barely paying attention to us anymore, and I wanted to something that will impress Lila, I’ve been calling a party chat line, and I’ve met someone!

Liz: Wow, that’s great Jessica. What’s he like?

Jess: Well, we haven’t actually met yet….

[flashback to the teen line]**

Charlie: How’re you doing gorgeous? I’ve been thinking about you all day long….I’ve been building a mental picture of you today. I’ve decided- just from your voice- that you’re blond. Am I right?

Jess: [giggling] You’re right.

Charlie: I could tell. You have the blondest voice I’ver ever heard.

Jessica: [thinking] Imagine how thrilled Charlie was going to be when he discovered how blond she really was! I can’t wait until we actually meet. It will be perfect.

**This scene contains the actual dialogue from the book.


For those not familiar with with the masterpiece that is The Room, check out info  here and here.  Even if you don’t, there is nothing in this book that is important, except that Ned and Alice break up after squabbling. Ned is allowed to work at all hours, but once Alice starts putting more time into her career, she is neglecting her family. Good old fashioned family values. We know that Liz makes it all about her by running away and Jessica doesn’t give a shit about Charlie after she meets him, and prefers his hot but stupid impostor and then the twins get their parents back together whilst exposing a political scandal.

25 thoughts on “Trouble at Home, as acted by the cast of Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room”

  1. Whallie says:

    Yes! Well put, IHW. I didn’t read this one but is Steven really that far up in his parent’s asses about their sex life? He’s in college (forever), shouldn’t he be worrying about HIS sex life?

    On the cover: Jess looks OK, but what’s with Liz’s face? She looks like she’s 80. Plus, is it me or is Steven part of the Bieber fan club too with that hair. lol

    • BartTempleton says:

      Your links to the Wiki page and your clearly tongue-in-cheek use of the word “masterpiece” led me on a 45 min quest to learn more about the phenom. I can’t say I had 45 mins to spare on non-work-related stuff, but what can I say? I too have obscure and weird interests. Rock on, Tommy.

  2. Vanessa Saxton says:

    Wait, no one has commented on the Jimmy Art yet? Is Jess wearing a pink pleather vest? And why does Liz look like she’s about to vomit? And just how long are Steven’s arms? He looks like an ape!
    Excellent recap, though! I love Enid’s entrance. So perfect!

    • Whallie says:

      @Vanessa Saxton: I had mentioned that Steven looks like he has Bieber Fever with that hair. LOL Also, Liz looks really old. Jessica’s vest does look pleather. And I hate how Liz’s barrettes always match. Seriously! Does she make a list of the colors she needs and goes out to buy them or does she just buy them when she bought that hideous mint top?

      • Vanessa Saxton says:

        Sorry! I just caught the earlier reference. And he does look like he has Bieber fever!

  3. Claire says:

    This is a) WONDERFUL and b) PERFECT.

    Oh Sweet Valley. Why can’t you leave your stupid comments in your pocket? Because we wouldn’t love you if you did.

  4. Jen S says:

    You want extra fun, listen to the Rifftrax for The Room! Bill Corbett shrieking “I! HAVE! BREAST CANCER!” in complete exasperation is something no one should miss.

    Yes, thank God Alice realizes having a nasty ol’ career and expecting Ned to cook a meal and make a bed is nothing but Commie-talk. Remember girls, have a career, but only as a shiny bauble that makes you more showoffable for your big ol center-of-your-universe man!

    Also, anyone who tells a Wakefield twin that they have “the blondest voice I’ve ever heard” is someone I want to date.

  5. Magpie says:

    The Tommy Wiseau/The Room references are too obscure for my pop culture knowledge, but I always love your recaps in this format.

    What is Steven’s obsession with his family members and sex? In other books he has inappropriate internal monologues about how hot his sisters are. Then in SVU his overprotective attitude towards Jessica and her marriage almost seemed to border on jealousy. Does he really ask his parents about their sex life?? Seems to me like he needs to get a girlfriend above the age of consent for a change and have some sex of his own.

    So they managed to eke out this really dull plotline about Nalice separating for three whole books. Yet when the twins go through traumatic, psychologically scarring events (like nearly being killed by a psycho doppelganger, being attacked by a guy who thinks he’s a werewolf, or meeting a guy who’s an actual vampire), these things are pretty much never mentioned again? Oh, Sweet Valley. That’s why I love/hate you.

  6. Megan says:

    Oh god this is the best thing I’ve ever seen. I love SVH, I love The Room (well, going to see it, anyway!), and this just brings a tear of joy to my eye. I lost it at my desk when Mark showed up.

  7. Sassafrass Green says:

    I spent the whole post waiting for Mark to pop up and I wasn’t disappointed. Man, after seeing a totally inordinate amount of Tommy Wiseau’s weird homunculus ass in that movie, Mark was a breath of gay-seeming fresh air.

    Awesome post! I love it when you do recaps in this format.

  8. april says:

    YOU’RE TEARING ME APART, ALICE!!!!!!!!! Bahahahah. I’ve been reading for ages, but it would take Tommy Wiseau to make me leave a comment. Brilliant.

  9. i love you, wheat! says:

    I love you for this. I will buy you a dozen red roses for eighteen dollars. And i’ll buy you drugs. WHAT KIND OF DRUGS DENNY? It doesn’t matter!!

    Great story Mark ha ha ha ha.

    I better go. I’m definitely dying, you see.

  10. devon lose weight says:

    The repair wasnt, hand The time?Putting your dog, a Fanta can.Position to make, money online as.To decompose Bert devon lose weight, Crusoe experience and complete details required.Cutting losses If, junk coming in.,

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