Redundancy, Inc.

I am really running out of ways to express how awful these are, how ludicrous the plots are, and how despicable the twins are. So, this time, I will just explain the plot and then scream about how dumb it is.

Liz and Jess are both having money woes. Elizabeth wants to buy an expensive warm-up jacket for Todd, and Jessica wants to buy…probably some baby hooker outfit at Lisette’s so she can snag some town drug dealer/serial killer in disguise. Okay, for real, she wants a portable disc player, a birthday present for Sam, and to repaint her Hershey Bar room. They are bemoaning this while having party at their house, where conveniently the only people who are invited the main characters and characters that conveniently fit the plot du jour.

Abruptly, Lila and Amy have to leave because they both have to write letters to people that they have been putting off (on a Friday night).

YES, BECAUSE THAT IS THE NUMBER ONE ABSORBER OF TEENAGER’S TIME! KEEPING UP CORRESPONDENCE! WOW, THANKS FOR REALLY CAPTURING THE STRIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEENAGER!

This suddenly gives Jess an idea for how to make money. She will start a letter-writing business! Because so many people always have letters they want to write!

WOW, BRILLIANT IDEA YOU GUYS. BECAUSE THIS IS THE #1 COMPLAINT OF EVERYONE IN THE EARLY NINETIES. TOOOO MANY LETTERS TO WRITE! I MEAN, THE iPHONE WOULD HAVE BEEN INVENTED IN 1994 BUT STEVE JOBS WAS JUST TOOOO BUSY WRITING LETTERS TO WORK ON IT.

Elizabeth actually likes the idea, and they decide to start their own company called Letters R Us. They will take requests from people who need to have letters written, and charge $5 for each letter. Jessica will be in charge of setting up the PO Box for people to send their requests, will organize the requests, and drop off the finished letters at the post office. Elizabeth will write the content of the letters.

REALLY LIZ? REALLY? THAT’S EQUAL WORK? DO YOU REALIZE THAT ALL JESSICA NEEDS TO DO IS ORGANIZE LETTERS? THAT IS BASICALLY STACKING ONE LETTER ON TOP OF THE OTHER, BUT YOU NEED TO TYPE OUT EVERY SINGLE ONE? IF YOU ARE THAT DUMB, YOU DESERVE TO BE TRAMPLED ON MY JESSICA.

They put up ads all over town (ah, these pre-internet stories are so quaint) and they get several letters the first day they check the PO box. They go through some of the requests where people write to them explaining the background info about why they want to send a letter, and what they want the letter to say.

OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IF YOU TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE ALL THAT, THEN WRITE THE FUCKING LETTER YOURSELF! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

Jessica looks through the letters, and sees one from a girl in high school who is feeling neglected by her boyfriend, and starts to develop feelings for someone who she is becoming friends with, the star of the boys’s basketball team. Omg! Jess realizes that shwe is talking about Todd “Wizzer” Wilkins and the person is Shelley Novak, annoying emo star of the women’s basketball team, who is feeling neglected by her boyfriend Jim, who is spending a lot of time putting the yearbook together. (Save your time, Jim. This school year lasts 15 years). Jessica sees this, and doesn’t want Liz to see it. She figures that Shelly will send the letter, and Todd won’t do anything but just be flattered. So, she wakes up extra early, takes the letter, retypes it and changes Shelley’s name, and puts it back in the pile so Liz won’t get upset.

AS OPPOSED TO JUST THROWING OUT THE LETTER? WOULDN’T THAT HAVE BEEN QUICKER AND EASIER, YOU FUCKING MORON?

Liz happily writes the letter and is clueless. Meanwhile, Liz is spending so much time on the letter writing business to get the jacket for Todd, that she starts neglecting Todd, even though he makes picnic lunches for them with strawberries and brie cheese that he plans on feeding her. Liz gets frustrated and wants to write a letter to Liz saying they want to break up. He requests Letters R Us to write it, and Jessica sees it first, and intercepts changing the name, and Liz ends up writing her own break up letter. OH THE IRONY! Jessica figures Liz will figure it out, and Todd will finally come to his senses. Actually, it’s more like she feels guilty for not telling Liz the truth the first time she figures she’ll just keep up the charade and avoid the outcome.

REALLY JESSICA? YOU DID IT AGAIN? INSTEAD OF JUST TELLING LIZ THE TRUTH, OR CONFRONTING TODD, YOU TAKE THE TIME TO REWRITE THE REQUEST??? AND ARE YOU REALLY THAT STUPID LIZ??!?!?!

Well, what do you know, Liz and Todd break up, and every time one of them times to explain the mishap, one storms out of the room, prolonging the fighting for at least five more chapters. Finally, Jessica, probably feeling bad, writes a letter to LETTERS R US, posing as Todd, asking for a letter to his girlfriend explaining he is sorry and how much he loves her. Aw, all is well, Todd and Liz make up, and Liz is able to give Todd the jacket. What does Todd do in response?

BUYS LIZ A FUCKING MATCHING JACKET!

Todd: “I wouldn’t think of wearing this unless you let me order a matching one for you. After all, I want everyone to know we’re meant for each other, now and for all time.”

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WILKINS, THEN HOW ABOUT YOU STOP GIVING HER KISSES THAT HAVE NAMES AND STOP FIGHTING AND BREAKING UP AND NOT MATCHING CLOTHES?

These books are not helping my anger management issues.

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32 thoughts on “Redundancy, Inc.

  1. Miss Moppet says:

    Oh, this was a good one. I can just see Todd and Liz in middle age, still matching, because otherwise people won’t know they’re a couple. I can see them in their matching scarves, matching dressing-gowns, matching slippers, matching trousers, matching sweaters. Then Liz goes nuts and buys herself a skirt, and there’s a huge row, but Todd forgives her.

  2. Magpie says:

    Seriously, this book reads like the middle-aged ghostwriter just took some of the elements of a middle-aged person’s life and re-jigged them into an insane farce.

    I cannot believe I used to think Liz and Todd were awesome when I was a kid. They’re far and away the most sickening pairing ever. I feel so much shame for my childhood self.

  3. I hate meat. says:

    I’m digging the rage. At least ranting about SV on an internet blog is a lot healthier than how other people I know deal with their anger issues.

    On an OT sidenote, I graduated today. Yay!

  4. nikki says:

    I’m still stuck on this letter writing business. So people WRITE A LETTER to ask Jessica and Elizabeth to..um…write them a letter?

      • Jen S says:

        Liz and Jess later went on to found a third world company where computer geeks slave twenty hours a day for pennies to earn WoW gold for first world douchebags who say they love WoW but NEVER TAKE THE TIME TO PLAY THE DAMN GAME AND JUST WANT THE REWARDS THE EASY WAY, SO MUCH SO THAT THEY PAY SOME POOR, RAPIDLY RADICALIZING SCHMOE IN INDIA TO PLAY THE GAME FOR THEM AND GET GOLD! PAY THEM REAL MONEY! GHHAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!

        Sorry. My therapist says I should go to my happy place when I get like that.

  5. Lara says:

    >>OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IF YOU TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE ALL THAT, THEN WRITE THE FUCKING LETTER YOURSELF! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!
    LOL seriously. This was the first SVH book I ever read… I was like, why does Liz look like my friend’s mom, and why is that turtleneck about to swallow Jess whole?

  6. Cally says:

    You know, I’m shocked Olivia or someone didn’t jump at the obvious opportunity: Letters For “Letters R Us” R Us. Write in asking for a letter to be written to LRU asking them to write you a letter!

  7. Claire says:

    If only Jessica could apply her scheming energies and willingness to do ridiculous menial tasks to keep her lies afloat into some kind of science or humanitarian project. She could be our saviour.

  8. Whallie says:

    IHW, F- book, but thanks for recapping it. Do you kinda see a bit of Hillary Clinton from Liz’s profile like I do? And what are the twins looking at anyway? Cuz they’re not looking at one another. It’s like they were both drawn for two seperate books. And I wonder if “Wizzer” really stands for something else, just sayin’.

    • I hate meat. says:

      I don’t know about Hilary, but Liz looks like she’s constipated, or trying to pass a kidney stone or something. Why is her face so pinched like that? Is she thinking really hard about the next letter she needs to write in order to keep this ridiculous scheme going?

  9. maybeimamazed02 says:

    Simply ludicrous. I could maybe understand if they CALLED or TALKED TO Jessica/Liz: “I need a letter to this person, here’s what it needs to say and why.” People do this in the business world all the time. But writing a letter to write a letter? Wow.

    And call me cynical and unromantic, but even as a goo-goo eyed teen I could never understand the appeal of someone feeding me something. Um, I’ve mastered hand-to-mouth coordination. Just . . . ew. And don’t get me started on couples who dress alike.

    • Anonymous says:

      The only other time I’ve heard the term ‘warm-up jacket’ was when I was in high school. On the girls’ basketball team we wore nylon and mesh bulky jackets that we wore to practice free throws and layups right before the games. You know, the kind ball players wear with those bulky, mannish tear-away pants? I hope to god that’s not what Liz and Todd are referring to…but they probably are. Liz’s look is very geriatric on this cover, so an LA Lakers-style jacket would be a step up for her!

      P.S. I hate you, Wizzer. How are y’all meant for each other, douchebag? You just tried to break up with her via a letter sent by someone else. She’d rather write letters to strangers than spend time with you. Get a clue.

      Good recap πŸ™‚

  10. Whallie says:

    Also, Jessica’s “perfect California” hair looks like mine does when I wake up in the morning, after falling asleep on the couch and restlessly tossing and turning because I’m too tired to walk over to my bed. Not cool for a self-proclaimed fashionista egh, Jess.

  11. Anonymous says:

    I saw this on a litigation report this morning. I swear I thought it said “Dairi Burger vs. . . . ”

    Dairl Butler
    v.
    Saxon Mortgage Services Inc.
    5/19/2010 10-06218-A

  12. Erin says:

    “I want everyone to know we’re meant for each other, now and for all time.”

    AAUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!

    TEEN GIRL MONEY SHOT!!!!

    This is why I couldn’t get the SVH monkey off my perfect size 6 back.

    I was DYING for a guy to say this to me.

    I’m 34 years old and I still kinda am.

    Sigh.

  13. Neek1981 says:

    I hope that’s not one of Liz’s precious letters in her hand. Do people pay her $5 to send out crumpled up letters? Also, I’m confused by the title. Does she ever actually write any love letters? I hope not. Any girl who has dated Todd for fifteen years is not qualified to write about love.

    This is my new favorite worst cover. I agree with the above poster who said these two seem to be drawn for different books. Liz looks elderly. Jess looks bored. And isn’t Jess supposed to be all chic and shit? Even her sequins and palazzo pants would be better than this mess. What would Regina George say? Probably something along the lines of, “Jess, you can’t sit with us at lunch. That turtleneck is disgusting. Fugly slut!”

  14. BartTempleton says:

    I’m usually the first to stick up for the outlandish plots, but I got nothing here. This is far more ridiculous than Margo and the werewolf.

  15. Carly says:

    Funniest thing in this book was the love letter Liz wrote. I was ten when I read this, so I assumed by the time I was 16 people would start talking like this… I have to laugh when I think of a 16 year old reaction to ‘I watch you from afar, hoping against hope that you’ll notice me’! I don’t think it would be ‘I must break up with my girlfriend and go out with this girl… She seems cool’

    Must admit though, my ten year old self looked forward to the day I would be sent letters like this, not to mention have kisses with names, matching jackets, and my every move commented on by the rest of the school!

    • Sonnie says:

      @Carly Letters! Crap, I was excited when this guy I crushed on in freshman year took a sip out of my juice bottle. I kept the darn bottle in my locker for weeks until my friend made me throw it out. LOL

  16. natalia says:

    HA ha hardi ha – good luck working this one into the new modern editions. On another note – just received in the mail today was “the summer before” – the BSC PREQUEL! released february this year Yup, so excited

  17. Jessie Aaker says:

    I swear that was the first SVH book I ever read when I was eight. God it was awful. But, like so many others, I continued to torture myself by reading more. I remember asking myself over and over again why anything about the plot remotely made sense. But deep down I loved it because I wanted to write a receive letters like that. And look older and mature like the twins when I was 16. Thank god I didn’t! They look like they’re in their mid to late twenties! Does the water in Sweet Valley cause pre-mature aging?

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