Choose Your Own (mis)Adventure: Elizabeth Betrayed

Courtesy of The Closet

What is so horrid that has Olivia Davidson clutching her pearls? And why is Olivia wearing pearls? She must have read somewhere that Sylvia Plath stuffed pearls down her throat to kill herself, and it makes her feel more arty or something. And Penny Ayala, wearing a blue and purple ensemble? Those colors are crazy! Leave the mental patient look to Claudia Kishi. I digress, let’s get to it. I don’t even need to tell you what the “correct” answers are.

You are a member of the school paper, and the editor-in-chief is called away to a conference for a week. Do you:
(A) Not worry too much, you have an advisor to help you and no biggie if it gets published a day late. This isn’t USA Today, you know.
(B) Freak out, martyr yourself to the cause to getting the next issue out on the exact deadline, abandon all your friends to work on it, and worry that if the student body doesn’t read the expose on the new lunch items or the PTA agenda, the world will implode in on itself.

You are Olivia. You have a new boyfriend, Rod Sullivan, even though he seems to have no distinguishing personality traits from any other boring vanilla guy at SVH. He talks incessantly about what an amazing writer Elizabeth Wakefield is and how amazing she is, while ignoring your accomplishments founding Sweet Valley’s best (and only) literary magazine. Do you:
(A) Tell him to put it back in his pants, and then dump him. He clearly does not respect you.
(B) Put up with it. It is Liz Wakefield, after all. She can’t help that she is so amazing. Besides, she seems to be your only friend anyway.

You are Liz. Your supposed friend’s new boyfriend keeps showing up everywhere you are and constantly tells you you are amazing and smart and wants to talk about how you are amazing writer. Do you:
(A) Think to talk about it with your friend. She deserves to know what is going on. Also, tell Rod you are uncomfortable because Olivia is your good friend.
(B) Bask in the praise and admiration. After all, you can’t help that people love you! It’s not your fault! It’s the curse of being a Wakefield!

You’re Liz, and you’ve spent a lot of time struggling over being the interim editor, and talking how hard you are working as the interim editor, that you don’t have the time to complete the English assignment for Mr. Collins. Rod happens to be buy and offers to share his notes on the research paper that is due. You use them gratefully. Mr. Collins notices that your essay is similar to a famous art critic and suspends you from the Oracle for plagiarize. You:

(A) take responsibility and realize that you were trying to find an easy way out
(B) are in shock and awe! You are Elizabweth Wakefield! You are an innocent victim! This is all Rod’s fault for offering to help her! Plus, it is also Olivia Davidson’s fault! For not telling Ron not to do it!

You are Olivia, and you feel horrible about the whole situation. Do you:
(A) Stand by your friend (since she seems to be your only one)
(B) Believe your boyfriend because…he is so amazing? And charismatic? Meanwhile, it takes some berating from Jessica Wakefield to finally realize that Rod is dishonest asshole with a hard on for Liz’s writing. Goddamn, where would you be without these Wakefield twins? Well, most likely crushed under a refrigerator.

Well, there is a theme of TRUTH and HONESTY in this book. Lila gets her hair done and gets it dyed purple, and Jessica refuses to tell her that it looks terrible because she thinks it will hurt Lila’s feelings. Meanwhile, they are at the mall, and everyone stares and laughs at Lila, and Lila is mad that Jessica let her leave the house like that. This, my friends, is further proof that these ghostwriters are from some small cave in Antarctica, because since WHEN is purple hair at the mall UNACCEPTABLE? Wasn’t Manic Panic, like, specifically invented to be sold at malls? Yeesh. So Jessica vows to tell the truth to people, at all times, which results in Jessica raising the socipathic notch up to a thousand. her friends hate it, and decide to giver a taste of her own medicine, which is awesome but only lasts about two pages because they realize that, okay, maybe a little lying is ok. Nothing like a little moral relativism to pass the time between football games and Winston’s hot-dog eating contests.

In an even more ludacris C-plot, Mr. Wakefield develops a fetish for meercats. Yes, you read that right.

Advertisements

30 thoughts on “Choose Your Own (mis)Adventure: Elizabeth Betrayed

  1. Amaluu says:

    Yay! You’re back! God, I love your posts … you just made my day. Liz looks a little fat on this cover – not so size 6-ey. Maybe the stress of being interim editor made her eat too many sundaes at Casey’s? Channeling SVU Liz w/ her freshman fifteen? Penny looks like she frosted her bangs w/ Clairol, and Olivia looks like she still belongs at Sweet Valley Middle School.

    Lila with purple hair reminds me of Sleepover Friends book 1 and the purple sparkly gel! Heh Heh.

    Thanks for keeping this up, your blog is amazing.

  2. Claire says:

    Elizabeth looks like Katie Holmes in disguise, on this cover.

    I feel like bratty girls getting their hair dyed “horrifying” but actually awesome colours is an important theme in girl-fiction. What does it mean, under the surface??

  3. Whallie says:

    This is one of the worst covers ever! The three amigos look like they’re 12 for one thing. And yes, Liz does look like a fatty. And the book was totally boring, except the purple Lila hair thing. Don’t remember the meerkats, most likely due to falling asleep. Anything Mr. Wakefield does just spells boring. Even being an honest lawyer is boring, and apparently it doesn’t pay well either by the looks of Liz’s wardrobe. ICK! Is that her dad’s shirt and khakis? Great way of condensing it though. I like that format.

  4. Erin says:

    What is with Olivia’s hairline? It looks like she has plugs! Thank you for posting. I am so hungover and this helped so much. You are doing God’s work, my woman.

    • Whallie says:

      @Erin: LMFAO! She totally has plugs! WOW! That is one serious reseeding hairline for a 16 year old female.

  5. Shawnie says:

    What does it say about me that I have zero memory of reading this… until you mentioned the meercats! He put them on the mantle, right? Wait, why do the have a mantle in always-warm-and-sunny Sweet Valley??

  6. Jen S says:

    I can understand following John Irving or some such around wailing about his brillant writing, but Liz? Oh, wait, right–LIZ! She clearly leaves Anne Lamott, Joyce Carol Oates, and Isabel Allende in the dust. God, how pathetic, Olivia’s Boyfriend. You didn’t even kidnap her! How is she supposed to take you seriously?

    Meercats! Mr. Collins is inviting all the sensitive freshman girls over to watch Meercat Manor and snuggle his manly chest when it gets scary.

  7. BartTempleton says:

    So, Olivia not only wears pearls but a lacefront, too? A poorly applied one, at that, complete with glued-down baby hairs? mmmkay, Jimmy. I’m just gonna assume you have a master plan and go with it.

    “Shock and awe” indeed…over Mr. Collins being appropriate/teacherly for once.

    >>>>” Wasn’t Manic Panic, like, specifically invented to be sold at malls?”

    Good point. Pretty much. It was the hair color equivalent of stick-on tattoos: the hardarse look without the hardness to back it up.

  8. Fi says:

    I haven’t read this!! Lol, now I really want to! Annoying problem with living in UK is that we only got about 50% of the books, and it’s hard tracking them all down, I’m on about 80% atm…

  9. ihatewheat says:

    I forgot to mention a crucial scene. olivia and Rod are meeting Todd and Liz at the movies for a double date, and Todd and Liz arrive after being at the beach, and Liz is wearing a sweatshirt and her hair pulled back, yet she looked so gorgeous that people in the theater had to look twice. Meanwhile Rod tells her that she looks like Aphrodite who has just risen from the water. VOMITOUS.

  10. Anonymous says:

    I think this is one of the better covers of Liz, but “Aphrodite risen from water?” Hell nawl. What is he smokin’?

    I appreciate that the cover girls don’t look thirty-seven. I don’t think Liz looks bigger than a six. What about her looks large to y’all? I would actually wear Liz’s button down shirt. It’s very Brooks Brothers. On the negative side, I suspect that those chinos are pleated. Gross!

    Olivia looks as if she’s bored and staring off into the distance. Shouldn’t she be the furious one if it’s her man that’s hot for Liz? Why is Penny upset? I’m not cool with the purple headband matched with a purple cowl neck on Penny.

    Did you say Penny was called away from school for a conference? A conference on what? Being editor of a school newspaper? At my school our paper looked like a 10 page newsletter and we did like two editions per semester. Who do these Sweet Valley bitches think they write for, the New York Times?

    I hate the blurb on the cover: “Is Elizabeth ruined at Sweet Valley High?” Ruined for what? Cheating on an essay? Gimme a break. They always act like characters are ‘ruined’ for the wrong things. People see you at Kelly’s, and you’re ruined. You take cocaine, and you die. What about the fact that Liz is just not a likable person? I think this book would have been much more interesting if Penny and Olivia started spreading nasty gossip about Liz. I’m sure they could find plenty of dirt. They could start with the fact that she’s always cheating on Todd or breaking up with him for dumb reasons. And what about the fact that Olivia’s man worships Liz in this book? No girl would be as cool with that as Olivia. Most girls at my high school woulda locked Liz in the bathroom and beat that bitch down. Todd has punched people before, but have any of the females ever been violent in Sweet Valley? Maybe the ghostwriters thought of teen violence as a low income problem unworthy of pristine SVH?
    (Sorry for the length of this post, but this shit has been building up for twenty years!)

  11. Roger Patman says:

    If I were John Pfiefer, I’d be royally pissed off at all those bitches at the Oracle for consistently passing him up. Gee – do you think that’s how his rape-like tendencies came about with Lila?

    • ihatewheat says:

      The deal with the meercats is that Ned finds some gaudy statue of meercats and is obsessed with it, and wants to keep it oput in the living room. The twins and Alice hate it, but don’t tell him the truth that they hate it. SEE? THIS BOOK IS ABOUT TELLING THE TRUTH.

  12. Erin says:

    @Anonymous

    (Sorry for the length of this post, but this shit has been building up for twenty years!)

    HA! Love it. There needs to be a SVH therapy group. I remember thinking there was something really wrong with me that I actually “needed to diet” to maintain my “not so trim” figure.

    I also felt really cheated that no guy talked to me in a husky voice and let me wear his sweater. The most you’d get from a boy at my school was first hit of a freshly-packed bong and a purloined hoodie.

  13. Whallie says:

    “Aphrodite who has just risen from the water.” Why doesn’t Olivia just walk out on a remark like that? Plus, what 16 year old boy compares a hs girl to a naked woman riding a giant clam? She’s wearing a sweatshirt with her hair pulled back! She should be reminding Rod of that girl from The Goonies movie. And that’s why the people at the theater look twice at her.

  14. Magpie says:

    “Rod tells her that she looks like Aphrodite who has just risen from the water”

    Ugh, that made me feel queasy. Also, why doesn’t Olivia dump his ass after a comment like that? Yeah, these books are awesome examples for young girls of how to respect themselves.

    For some reason, the only part of this book that I remembered was Lila’s disastrous hairstyle. Love the meerkat C-plot – it’s almost as though the writers had completely given up on the books making any kind of sense. They were obviously just flipping through the dictionary for inspiration at this point.

    The choose-your-own-adventure style recap is great – I only wish the real books had been written like that, so that they could have been less enraging to read!

  15. Faleel says:

    So many great ideas, Holly!I picture a smplie black, long-sleeve workout outfit with black sheer tights. Don’t cover your head with a hat or wig, but vampy make-up. Black leather high-heal boots. Black toulle scarf around your neck. I think you can still do your workout in the boots. Every exercise in the circuit will require a broom. V-Ups, Y-Squats,broomstick lunge to raise,hip extensions, woodchops, 1-leg romanian deadlifts, broomstick swing, broomstick side lunge to raise, broomstick diagonal lunges,broomstick good mornings,etc. Need more ideas for upper body This sounds like so much fun!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s