Les Liaisons Dangereuses

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"Todd! I can see your chest hair!"

…or, for you younger, hip folk, Cruel Intentions.

Liz and Todd are so smug in their amazing relationship that they want to spread their smug all over another couples to make as happy as they are. Or, they need some titillating activity to spice up their relationship, and we all know Elizabeth won’t do back-door action. So this is the next best thing.

The players: Aaron Dallas, non-descriptive blonde soccer player. Wait, wasn’t he Jeffrey’s bff? So why does he now want to hang out with Liz and Todd? Why am, I questioning continuity? Heather Sanford, the cool fashion girl who Liz hated on, moved away, probably to Connecticut or London, the only 2 places anyone movies to.

Dana Lason: funky, independent lead singer of the Droids who is fed up with love and wants to concentrate on her music. Wait, what? An SVH female is okay with not having a boyfriend? Better fix that soon!

Conveniently for everyone involved, there is a Battle of the Bands coming up, and The Droids are writing a new song for it. Please note that resident black student Andy Jenkins is mentioned as leading a band called “Baja Beat” because of course he needs to be in an “ethnic” band.

Oner night at Miller’s Point, instead of having sex, Todd and Liz hatch a scheme called “Operation Pair-Up”. Yes, it is capitalized and repeated ad nausem throughout the book. If Aaron and Dana start dating, Todd has to grant Liz three wishes. If not, Liz has to grant Todd three wishes. I’ll give you three guesses what Todd’s wishes are and what Liz’s AREN’T.

Liz and Todd scheme to get those two crazy kids together, there’s something involving a note supposedly written from Aaron to Dana, and none of it matters, because as you guessed it, Dana and Aaron end up together, and laugh at themselves for swearing off love. I mean, really, who are they, Lois Waller or Penny Ayala? Of course they should be dating to be happy!

Get your barf bags in place, because here how it ends up for Liz and Todd:

“You won the bet” Todd conceded good-naturedly, nodding. “You’ve earned your three wishes. So what are they going to be?”

“Let’s see….” Elizabeth thought for a moment. “A dozen roses would be nice, and someone to do my chores and carry my books for a week would be a real treat.”

Todd laughed. “I deserve it- I was going to make you wash my car!”

“But after everything that’s ahppened, there are other things I’d like more.” Elizabeth grinned up at him. “Are you ready?”

Todd grinned. “Your wish is my command.”

“Then I wish you and I will never have such a pointless argument ever again…”

“One”, counted Todd.

“And I wish you’d give me the biggest, best kiss ever, right this very instant!”

“One Todd Wilkins Deluxe Smooch, coming right up!” Todd promised as he pulled Elizabeth close.

Oh good lord. Too. Much. Too. Hate. On. Really Liz? A dozen roses? How about one: not putting you in a coma, two: not allowing you to fall in the hands of a serial killer multiple times and three: not acting like such a boring dud. And Todd, really? You were going to have Liz WASH YOUR CAR? How about One: Not cheating on you with every guy with a lopsided smile that wanders into town and two: going a little further, than, say, GIVING YOUR KISSES A BRAND NAME???

The other redonculous thing is that Dana and Aaron, suddenly for this book, exist for the sole purpose of being friends with Todd and Liz. Liz invites Dana out (to trick her into hanging out with Aaron) to some theater thing, and Dana doesn’t think it is weird that Liz never asked her to hang out before? And now suddenly she is going to Liz for relationship advice? Does she not even hang out with her BANDMATES? And Dana, funky, eclectic, singer of a band has no friends other than Liz? And Aaron, popular soccer player, doesn’t have a groups of “br’ahs”? Ugh. Details, details.

In other infuriating plotlines, Lila and Jessica “Penny Lane” Wakefield decide that they want in on the band action and decide to be roadies for one of the bands in the battle so they can hang with the band. But hilarity ensues and at the battle Jessica screws up and the amps blow up! Oh noes! Everyone laugh! The band is a heavy metal band, and of course is portrayed as gross and incompetent. Because any character that is not clean cut and hangs out at the Dairi Burger up a Wakefield’s ass is a total comedic plot device of stupidity and any originality is used to show how stupid and weird they are. Meanwhile, this makes my panties drop in under a second, so touche, ghostwriters.

Can any good come of this ridiculous plot and idiotic display of characters? Well, yes. A book about the Droids made me think about some of my favorite fictitious bands. Edited: I seemed to forget lots of important ones, so click “more” to see the full list.

2gether: Please please please someone release this show on dvd.  They may be one of the most brilliant satires ever.

The Zit Remedy! How one band could have such a long career with just one song? And Joey, yes, Caitlin will be impressed.

Chemical Toilet. The first incarnation of “The Nightman Cometh”. It’s just two men sharing the night, it might seem more but it feels just right.

The Hot Sundaes. Because I want to be reminded of how to get in shape when I listen to my music. This, as you all may be aware, is what leads up to Jesse’s big caffiene-pill addicition intervention.

The band from Empire Records. Did they have a name? Not sure. However, the song and Rene Zellweger’s spazzy dance movies make it awesome.

Jem and Holograms. Jerrica Bennett= Elizabeth Wakefield, no? Along with owbning a record label, she just HAS to run a house for orphaned girls.

the Misfits- obligatory after Jem and the H’s, and because they fucking rule.

Flirting with Danger- the band from the Sunset Island Series. Because it’s a rock band that utilizes bakcup singers and dancers, and can make their living from playing all their gigs on a small island off the coast of Maine.

[I WISH I had a video of them.]

The Heights. Because really, how do you talk to an angel? Also, this show was good. Or maybe I remember it that way. Anyone see it recently? Does it still hold up?

The Band that Plays on the Beach in The Lost Boys. Because an beefed up, oiled up sax player is ok in my book.

The Wonders. I DARE you to not get this stuck in your head.

Hey That’s My Bike! Because they have an awesome name, and the band members are flexibile enough that when their singer is scorned by his longtime best friend-turned lover, they are able to fit a song into their setlist that berates her.

The Mystery. Lesson to aspiring all-girl rock bands: don’t fall for the guy who books you for a summer gig!

The California Dreams- actually don’t remember much about them, except that when the manager took off his shirt (which was always at least once an episode) there would be loud screams from the fake audience.

Citizen Dick. Oh, the nineties, how I miss you.

Stillwater: because they know how to rock! And evade questions from a pre-pubescent journalist!

Brian Slade/Venus in Furs. I think it has been scientifically proven that Velvet Goldmine is the movie with the most hotness per square inch.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch. If you have to ask why, then you don’t know good (fictitious) music.

Frozen Embryos- If only that g-damn Tino would show up! (Also, how many of you swooned when Jordan started singing? Come on, admit it.)

Josie and the Pussycats. I considered forming a band for the sole reason of covering the songs on this soundtrack. I say that 100% seriousness. I think this is parker Posey’s best role.

Edited to add: I totally forgot Jesse and the Rippers! Because including your obnoxious ugly niece always makes for awesome band practices. Michelle’s singing makes me want to murder something.

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45 thoughts on “Les Liaisons Dangereuses

  1. Becca says:

    Good video selections! Agreed on Velvet Goldmine. Also, I really love the Josie and the Pussycat soundtrack – those songs are actually good. I sort of wish they were a real band.

    I didn’t read this one but it sounds like typical SVH shenanigans. Also, wasn’t Aaron the guy who had an anger management problem? What a catch!

  2. maplesstraveler says:

    Most awesome blog post yet! I love that you put all those fake bands in there. Also, I spat my water all over myself when I read the “back door action” line.

    And I HATE this dumb cover. Liz looks like she’s taunting Todd with promises of a b.j. for one of his three wishes if he wins

    • Whallie says:

      @maplesstraveler, I totally agree with the cover. Todd looks really handsome and cute in an odd Bill Bixby (original TV Hulk star) sort of way. But Liz is her usual, “Insert your cock in here, Todd. A-Oh! I’m just joking! lmfao!!! I just want a kiss (no tongue) please.”

    • DettaWalker says:

      Hahah! I love the music videos. Especially the one from Empire Records and My So Called Life.

      ipomoea, I’m pretty sure that Coyote Shivers is that guys name. And I know because I’m a nerd like that.

      • ihatewheat says:

        Confirmed. Coyote Shivers is the guy who plays the hard rocker (forgot his character’s name). Fun fact: at the time of filming, he was Liv Tyler’s stepfather. Or something like that.

  3. troppixx says:

    Hahaha! Did you really bring up “Jem and the Holograms” and the “Jesse Saved By the Bell Caffeine Pills incident?” Loving this blog more and more. I am not worthy!

  4. Kats says:

    Ha, awesome collection of fictional bands. I love Citizen Dick (I miss the 90s too)! And I remember The Heights as being good as well.

  5. Regina Sorrow says:

    The thing I remember most about this book is how butthurt the band were when Jessica screwed up:

    “Duuuuudes, the chick roadie blew it”
    “Oh no!”
    *sniff*

    • Magpie says:

      Weren’t those two random band members called Spy and Wheels? The SVH ghostwriters trying to be all rock n’ roll makes me laugh 🙂

  6. Whallie says:

    I watched Jem and the Holograms growing up and even splurged on the dvd not that long ago. Watching it now that I’m older, I actually like the Misfits songs a lot more than Jems. Jems are really boring and they’re based on weird pseudo-pc views. But the Misfits’ songs are totally rock n’ roll and dangerous and fun. No talk, just action! GIMME!

    Also, it would have been awesomely hawt if Todd actually let his penis do the talking for once and told Liz that his car washing wish would also involve her dressed in a white bikini, and spraying herself with the hose as well.

      • Lannierose says:

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  7. maybeimamazed02 says:

    I had not one but TWO Jem dolls growing up. Yeah. And I can still sing the theme song. Truly outrageous.

    I fully blame That Thing You Do! for every bandboy crush I’ve ever had. Particularly my long-standing lust for this drummer I used to work with. Damn, Tom Everett Scott was hot.

  8. S says:

    YES on Josie and the Pussycats! I seriously love that movie. I bought the soundtrack before I even saw the movie and had the Josie haircut at least three times. It’s so frigging lame, so I’m glad someone else appreciates it too.

    Also, I want to second the Zit Remedy. Love Degrassi. Joey Jeremiah is the man.

  9. James says:

    Todd looks about 5’6” on that cover. Isn’t he supposed to be a basketball star? And didn’t he tower over Liz on previous covers? Continuity was never the series’ strong suit.

  10. Vanessa Saxton says:

    “One Todd Wilkins Deluxe Smooch”… and I continued to read the series after this line? That line…I read this book and I cannot believe I forgot about that line.

  11. Amy says:

    I listened to “Wig in a Box” a bunch today thanks to this post. Also I am SO relieved you feel the same way I do about the Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack. I crank that sucker up all the time and nooooo one I know has admitted to this.

  12. IWantYourSass says:

    I love that you brought up Jem. The singer for Jem, Britta Phillips, is also the blond in Satisfaction.

    And lastly, she’s 1/2 of the duo Dean and Britta (Luna spin off) that’s really good. They do a great Lee Hazelwood/Nancy Sinatra cover.

  13. Magpie says:

    Just when I think Todd can’t get any more nauseating, he comes up with a line like “Todd Wilkins deluxe smooch”. Now I’ve got bile in my mouth (to quote Sue Sylvester).

    I LOVED The California Dreams. It was great how there’d be an episode on some “issue” or other, and then they would manage to crowbar in a song about it at the end, as though that would wrap up the topic of steroids or cheating or something. That show was NOT about subtlety.

  14. Jen S says:

    Always Sunny! Yes! Charlie berating Dee about how everyone crushes his hopes and dreams was MADE OF WIN. Danny Devito demanding his Troll Toll will haunt the dreams of Earth forevermore.

  15. Marissa says:

    Perhaps you already know this about me, but I am a sucker for any plotline that involves Elizabeth and Todd. But I can look over your expressions of scorn in this post because:

    1. Hot Sundae makes everything better (I used to perform the scene at the end where Jessie flips out as a sort of monologue for my friends).

    and

    2. The California Dreams! OMG! Could any show more perfectly capture that Sweet Valley ethos? Not even the Sweet Valley High series could. I totally forgot about that show. Yay!

    Forgiven. 🙂

    • I hate meat. says:

      Oh, no no no, dear, you are not the only one, not by a LONG shot. We on this board may have normal identities during the day, but at night, we worship at our ’80’s (early ’90’s?) altars.

  16. Anisa:) says:

    i still have this book. and first of all, the cover looks really strange. i mean, whats todd shirt doing unbuttoned like that? isn’t that a little too much for lizzie? liz really needs to learn to mind her own business. and jessica should have quit as soon as she saw that ugly skunk looking band memmber, duh.

  17. rachierach says:

    I LOVED “The Heights.” I seriously thought I was the only one who remembered that show.

    As for “Josie…” the 90’s band from Boston, “Letters to Cleo” actually performed that song for the movie. Obviously Tara Reid, Rachel Leigh Cook and Rosario Dawson are lip synching–and BADLY, I must add.

    “Letters to Cleo” rocked!!

  18. Tom says:

    I think that Liz and Todd becoming a smug super-couple was about the time they as a couple began jumping the shark.

    But Jessica and Lila becoming roadies is one of my favourite SVH sub-plots! Improbable but so funny (er, much like many of the sub-plots, really).

    P.S. Great list of fictitious bands too. I loved The Heights!

  19. Hina says:

    The guy from the Lost Boys is Tim Capello, a sax player famous for working with Tina Turner.

    FREAKING LOVE THE LOST BOYS! So that’s how I know. And that scene of Tim playing is my fave scene because of the dudes headbanging! 😄

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