…or, for you younger, hip folk, Cruel Intentions.
Liz and Todd are so smug in their amazing relationship that they want to spread their smug all over another couples to make as happy as they are. Or, they need some titillating activity to spice up their relationship, and we all know Elizabeth won’t do back-door action. So this is the next best thing.
The players: Aaron Dallas, non-descriptive blonde soccer player. Wait, wasn’t he Jeffrey’s bff? So why does he now want to hang out with Liz and Todd? Why am, I questioning continuity? Heather Sanford, the cool fashion girl who Liz hated on, moved away, probably to Connecticut or London, the only 2 places anyone movies to.
Dana Lason: funky, independent lead singer of the Droids who is fed up with love and wants to concentrate on her music. Wait, what? An SVH female is okay with not having a boyfriend? Better fix that soon!
Conveniently for everyone involved, there is a Battle of the Bands coming up, and The Droids are writing a new song for it. Please note that resident black student Andy Jenkins is mentioned as leading a band called “Baja Beat” because of course he needs to be in an “ethnic” band.
Oner night at Miller’s Point, instead of having sex, Todd and Liz hatch a scheme called “Operation Pair-Up”. Yes, it is capitalized and repeated ad nausem throughout the book. If Aaron and Dana start dating, Todd has to grant Liz three wishes. If not, Liz has to grant Todd three wishes. I’ll give you three guesses what Todd’s wishes are and what Liz’s AREN’T.
Liz and Todd scheme to get those two crazy kids together, there’s something involving a note supposedly written from Aaron to Dana, and none of it matters, because as you guessed it, Dana and Aaron end up together, and laugh at themselves for swearing off love. I mean, really, who are they, Lois Waller or Penny Ayala? Of course they should be dating to be happy!
Get your barf bags in place, because here how it ends up for Liz and Todd:
“You won the bet” Todd conceded good-naturedly, nodding. “You’ve earned your three wishes. So what are they going to be?”
“Let’s see….” Elizabeth thought for a moment. “A dozen roses would be nice, and someone to do my chores and carry my books for a week would be a real treat.”
Todd laughed. “I deserve it- I was going to make you wash my car!”
“But after everything that’s ahppened, there are other things I’d like more.” Elizabeth grinned up at him. “Are you ready?”
Todd grinned. “Your wish is my command.”
“Then I wish you and I will never have such a pointless argument ever again…”
“One”, counted Todd.
“And I wish you’d give me the biggest, best kiss ever, right this very instant!”
“One Todd Wilkins Deluxe Smooch, coming right up!” Todd promised as he pulled Elizabeth close.
Oh good lord. Too. Much. Too. Hate. On. Really Liz? A dozen roses? How about one: not putting you in a coma, two: not allowing you to fall in the hands of a serial killer multiple times and three: not acting like such a boring dud. And Todd, really? You were going to have Liz WASH YOUR CAR? How about One: Not cheating on you with every guy with a lopsided smile that wanders into town and two: going a little further, than, say, GIVING YOUR KISSES A BRAND NAME???
The other redonculous thing is that Dana and Aaron, suddenly for this book, exist for the sole purpose of being friends with Todd and Liz. Liz invites Dana out (to trick her into hanging out with Aaron) to some theater thing, and Dana doesn’t think it is weird that Liz never asked her to hang out before? And now suddenly she is going to Liz for relationship advice? Does she not even hang out with her BANDMATES? And Dana, funky, eclectic, singer of a band has no friends other than Liz? And Aaron, popular soccer player, doesn’t have a groups of “br’ahs”? Ugh. Details, details.
In other infuriating plotlines, Lila and Jessica “Penny Lane” Wakefield decide that they want in on the band action and decide to be roadies for one of the bands in the battle so they can hang with the band. But hilarity ensues and at the battle Jessica screws up and the amps blow up! Oh noes! Everyone laugh! The band is a heavy metal band, and of course is portrayed as gross and incompetent. Because any character that is not clean cut and hangs out at the Dairi Burger up a Wakefield’s ass is a total comedic plot device of stupidity and any originality is used to show how stupid and weird they are. Meanwhile, this makes my panties drop in under a second, so touche, ghostwriters.
Can any good come of this ridiculous plot and idiotic display of characters? Well, yes. A book about the Droids made me think about some of my favorite fictitious bands. Edited: I seemed to forget lots of important ones, so click “more” to see the full list.
2gether: Please please please someone release this show on dvd. They may be one of the most brilliant satires ever.
The Zit Remedy! How one band could have such a long career with just one song? And Joey, yes, Caitlin will be impressed.
Chemical Toilet. The first incarnation of “The Nightman Cometh”. It’s just two men sharing the night, it might seem more but it feels just right.
The Hot Sundaes. Because I want to be reminded of how to get in shape when I listen to my music. This, as you all may be aware, is what leads up to Jesse’s big caffiene-pill addicition intervention.
The band from Empire Records. Did they have a name? Not sure. However, the song and Rene Zellweger’s spazzy dance movies make it awesome.
Jem and Holograms. Jerrica Bennett= Elizabeth Wakefield, no? Along with owbning a record label, she just HAS to run a house for orphaned girls.
the Misfits- obligatory after Jem and the H’s, and because they fucking rule.
Flirting with Danger- the band from the Sunset Island Series. Because it’s a rock band that utilizes bakcup singers and dancers, and can make their living from playing all their gigs on a small island off the coast of Maine.
[I WISH I had a video of them.]
The Heights. Because really, how do you talk to an angel? Also, this show was good. Or maybe I remember it that way. Anyone see it recently? Does it still hold up?
The Band that Plays on the Beach in The Lost Boys. Because an beefed up, oiled up sax player is ok in my book.
The Wonders. I DARE you to not get this stuck in your head.
Hey That’s My Bike! Because they have an awesome name, and the band members are flexibile enough that when their singer is scorned by his longtime best friend-turned lover, they are able to fit a song into their setlist that berates her.
The Mystery. Lesson to aspiring all-girl rock bands: don’t fall for the guy who books you for a summer gig!
The California Dreams- actually don’t remember much about them, except that when the manager took off his shirt (which was always at least once an episode) there would be loud screams from the fake audience.
Citizen Dick. Oh, the nineties, how I miss you.
Stillwater: because they know how to rock! And evade questions from a pre-pubescent journalist!
Brian Slade/Venus in Furs. I think it has been scientifically proven that Velvet Goldmine is the movie with the most hotness per square inch.
Hedwig and the Angry Inch. If you have to ask why, then you don’t know good (fictitious) music.
Frozen Embryos- If only that g-damn Tino would show up! (Also, how many of you swooned when Jordan started singing? Come on, admit it.)
Josie and the Pussycats. I considered forming a band for the sole reason of covering the songs on this soundtrack. I say that 100% seriousness. I think this is parker Posey’s best role.
Edited to add: I totally forgot Jesse and the Rippers! Because including your obnoxious ugly niece always makes for awesome band practices. Michelle’s singing makes me want to murder something.