Stop the Presses, I want to throw up in my mouth.

Book Cover from The Closet

You are going to think I’m kidding here, but this is yet another friggin’ time that the twins are almost murdered. And recover quick enough to celebrate being alive with a nosh at the Dairi Burger. It’s like some sick game from Saw with these Wakefields. Get a pimple and gut and your family and friends are allowed to live, or stay perfect and others suffer! Hahahaha!

We’re back in the summer, and I realized that the first four super thrillers are a miniseries, including later when Nicholas falls for crazy Babs. So that means the timeline jumped all over when these came out? It’s the summer and Liz is with Jeffrey, who is working as a camp counselor in San Francisco. Which is code for sleeping with men in San Francisco. Seriously, there are no sleep away camps in SF, if they wanted to be realistic, they would have said Marin or something. Seriously, don’t fuck with my city ghostwriters!

Steven is home (duh) interning at a law firm, and the Wakefields are hosting his friend Adam who is also interning. Adam is too poor to live on his own, so the Wakefields got a collective boner when they heard that and agreed to house him. Jessica is sick of Elizabeth mooning over Jeffrey being away, so she tries to get her interested in Adam. She writes a fake love note from Adam to Liz. COINCIDENTALLY, the same day, Adam’s girlfriend is murdered by an ex-boyfriend and Jessica witnesses the guy trying to hide the body but gets away before the guy can confront her. There’s a backstory about this girlfriend being rich and her parents not approving of Adam, but really you don’t need to give a fuck.

Let me back up. The twins are interning at the Sweet Valley News during the summer. of course Liz thinks by the end of the summer she will win a nobel prize, and Jessica is forced to by her parents. Jessica’s new dry-hump target is star reporter Seth, who is twenty-two and writes mystery novels on the side. Hubba hubba! Sounds like my kind of nerdy guy. Jessica tries to get Seth into her by making up false leads so they can go solve crimes together. Again, it is SO BEYOND JESSICA’S COMPREHENSION that Seth is maybe not interested in her so she persists on with the bullshit. Also, no one believes her when she says she sees the murder.

Oh yea, and then Adam is arrested for his girlfriend’s murder because everyone thinks he wrote Liz a love note and that made the police think he killed his girlfriend so he could be with Liz. Nice detective work there, Sweet Valley police. Then again, the twins insane beauty and awesomeness can drive people to murder! They just can’t help it! Anyway, Jessica refuses to tell the police that she really wrote the note, SO ADAM STAYS IN JAIL AND ACCUSED OF MURDER. But the important thing is, Jessica isn’t in trouble!

Ned and Alice forbade the twins to drive the Fiat, because the  murderer may recognize the car. There’s an office party at the news, and Jessica gets a ride with Seth, and Liz is supposed to drive Steven’s car, but he didn’t come home in time (the ONE time he is not home, right?) so she says fuck it, I’ll take the Fiat. Jessica is at the party and realizes that the killer is there and is actually a friend of the news editor. Jessica somehow convinces the killer to leave the party, probably with the help of her alluring magnetism, but oops, Liz pulls up in the Fiat as he goes into the garage. Killer guy tries to kill the twins by running into them with his car and beating them with a pipe. You think I’m kidding when I say that. Somehow the twins overcome him and knock him unconscious (they also have super strength) and become the heroes. Jessica somehow does not get in trouble for keeping information from the police, and also is awarded the opportunity to write a front-page story about how she cracked the case.

Oh yea, somehow in all the celebrating someone remembers to release Adam from prison. No bother that his reputation is ruined and his girlfriend is dead, it’s okay because the twins are okay and the beating didn’t ruin their California-girl good looks.

Also? Double Jeopardy does not mean that two people are in jeopardy. Just sayin’.

The real question here is: the Sweet Valley News actually exists, and has more then two employees? What breaking news could they possible have to cover? Well, let’s check out some recent headlines:

Alice Wakefield Tapped to Lead New Town Hall Redesign; Spanish-Style Tiles Expected to Be Involved

Enid Rollins’ Past to Be Revealed as Dangerous and Outlandish, No One Gives Shit

Tricia Martin Still Dead, Sources Confirm

Cheryl Thomas Moves to Sweet Valley, Black Population Up 25%

Jessica’s New Bikini Said to Be Small, Revealing

Local Teacher Roger Collins Proposes New Sleepaway Teen Summer Writing Camp at His House

Toilet Store Opens in Downtown Sweet Valley, No Customers Yet

Local Teen Winston Egbert Beats His Own Record at Taco Eating Contest, Awarded Nothing

Hidden Camera Found in Boys’ Locker Room, Local Teen Tom McKay Tipped Off Police

Local Couple Alice and Ned Wakefield to Publish Book on Parenting

Annie Whitman Goes on Ninth Date this Week, Slut Status Solidified

Bruce Patman Switching to Boxer Briefs, Sources Confirm

Susan Stewart Reveals Identity of Real Father, Sweet Valley Residents say Susan Who?

Local Survey of Sweet Valley Residents reveal that Sweet Valley is the #1 Favorite Place in the World

Local High School Dance Canceled, Project Youth Flooded With Calls from Depressed Students

Police Catch Twenty-Seventh Serial Killer This Year

Town Council Passes a Measure that This Year will have Six Christmases and Eight Summer Vacations

Lois Waller Still Fat, Sources Confirm

Local Sweet Valley Residents Pondering if Jews Really Exist

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28 thoughts on “Stop the Presses, I want to throw up in my mouth.

  1. maybeimamazed02 says:

    Thirded on the headlines love.

    And I too HATE it when writers/filmmakers obviously don’t know my city. In The Time Traveler’s Wife film, one of the characters referred to the Brown Line el train (entirely aboveground) as the “subway” and you could hear the audience I was in getting pissed off (myself included).

    • Magpie says:

      I totally agree. When I read the London werewolf trilogy, I wanted to take a red pen and scrawl through all the mistakes in those books. I know I shouldn’t care, but stuff like that really bugs me. How hard is it to look at a map or an encyclopedia to check that what you’re writing makes sense?! Why do they publish these things without fact-checking first?

    • Rachel says:

      The weirdest thing about that is that Audrey Niffenwhatever is from Chicago, I think.

      (I also love the headlines, esp. the toilet store one.)

  2. Magpie says:

    Oh, those headlines are awesome!

    I’m really disappointed that the title is just a lame pun, and not a story about a case of double jeopardy. I thought maybe there was a murderer on the loose who had actually got away with their crime. That would have been cool, but no such luck.

    Also, I can sympathise with the twins not caring about Adam being released from jail. I don’t care either, since he’s one of those nothingy characters that turns up for one book and then disappears again.

  3. Sara says:

    “Local Teacher Roger Collins Proposes New Sleepaway Teen Summer Writing Camp at His House”

    I pretty much died when I read that
    LOVE the headlines

  4. Jen S says:

    Any book containing a scene where the twins are beaten with a pipe is a book I must read IMMEDIATELY.

    And thirds on the “huh, I thought the city I LIVE IN had X,Y and Z” crap. I’ve seen many a film “set” in my hometown of Seattle and even when they’re not filmed in Canada they never get anything right! Even The Ring, otherwise a good movie, had the kid walking to his fancy private school under the monorail tracks! Anyone who lives here knows that’s one of the scungiest, druggiest parts of the whole city, and the entire theater burst out laughing.

    Not to mention any movie set here has not just rain, but monsoon-like downpours gushing 24/7 like all the fire hoses in the country are aimed at us. It is sunny sometimes, people!

    • Becca says:

      I live in Seattle too and I love seeing movies set here. In “10 Things I Hate About You” they play paintball at Gasworks park, which is just a park. No paintball (or paddleboating for that matter). Agree about the rain too – it really doesn’t pour that often here.

      Anyway, I love the headlines as well. I like the one about the dance being cancelled.

      Also, this book really sounds awful, even by Sweet Valley standards.

      • IWantYourSass says:

        As yet another fellow Seattle-ite, my absolute favorite RIDICULOUS use of the city was in the classic grunge movie Singles, where they get to their apartment in north capitol hill, by walking up Queen Anne, or biking along the waterfront etc. It’s so ridiculous, although they *did* use lots of pretty city shots.

      • Jen S says:

        Hee hee! And don’t forget the “Live In Seattle” shoot of Fraiser, where they must have had a teleporter to get from the waterfront to the International District to Hell and Gone in thirty minutes.

        Oh, yeah, Sweet Valley—uh, GO ADAM! Wield that pipe!

        What? They’re fine. They always are. Go eat some pancakes.

  5. perfectsize12 says:

    I think your fake headlines were more realistic than this book. My favorites were “Cheryl Thomas Moves to Sweet Valley, Black Population Up 25%” and “Local Sweet Valley Residents Pondering if Jews Really Exist”.

  6. Neek1981 says:

    What is Liz wearing? Even by 1980s standards, she’s decades behind in terms of fashion. My grandmother used to wear a jacket like that in polyester, and she was like, 83 years old.
    I laughed out loud when I read that this guy tried to beat the twins with a pipe. I would so buy tickets to see that!
    Great recap, Ihatewheat!I don’t remember reading this one, but I remember the lame title, very Nancy Drew-ish.

    • Whallie says:

      Neek1981, you should know by now that Liz always dresses in “grandma” close fitting to what her demise may be. The 83 year old secretary style is the runway look for a 16 year old who’s about to be killed as a SV intern. lol

  7. Whallie says:

    So the Scooby-Doo gang has once again solved the case. And they could have done it faster if it wasn’t for those meddling Sweet Valley Policemen.

    Things Liz and Jess are afraid of:
    1) Not having a comb-over.
    2) Not being the empowering bitch towards anything they do.
    3) Pining over a boy who has not talked to them in 2 hours.
    4) Not being the center of attention 24/7.

    Things Liz and Jess are NOT afraid of:
    1) Murderers, rapists, sexually misguided males, and someone from a dysfunctional family. CASE CLOSED!!!

  8. Mary Anne Bruno says:

    Jessica quote from Killer on Board:

    “But really, Liz, we’re perfectly safe now. The odds of running into another super-sexy guy, who’s also a serial killer are practically nonexistent.”

    This is in the beginning of book two in this super series. Oh, Jessica.

  9. James says:

    I always wondered why such a distinguished future Pulitzer Prize winning journalist like Liz wrote a gossip column? It’s actually credible they had her intern at a Paper. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for the rest of the story.

  10. pondie84 says:

    [Jessica witnesses the guy trying to hide the body but gets away before the guy can confront her. ]

    What? She witnesses someone attempting to hide a corpse and isn’t phased at all? I’d be finding that pretty disturbing!

  11. MJ McStabby says:

    Been reading the site for awhile, and LOVE it. BTW, was there ever an identification of the girl’s murderer, or a motive given? Because I’m sitting here like “WTF, that’s kind of important.” I guess in SV, loose ends aren’t important.

  12. Goldray says:

    The only thing that is ever important in Sweet Valley is that Jessica and Elizabeth are beautiful and thin and have blue green eyes and a perfect tan. Other than that, nothing else matters.

  13. MellzBellz says:

    I love your blog and your comments are hilarious! I’m going through now and rereading all the old posts to get caught up. Is it just me or does anyone else think that Liz bears a striking resemeblence to a blow up doll on this cover?

  14. Anonymous says:

    Just discovered this blog, through a recommendation link from Shannon’s Sweet Valley, and I have to say, it’s absolute gold! Very sharp, and hilarious..especially those headlines, you had me in stitches! Well done 🙂

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