Ponies and Abortions

…is not the name of my nu-metal band, but basically what happens in our final installment of the Caitlin series. Yes, for nine books, we’ve seen our beloved Caitlin go from a spoiled boarding school brat, to a missionary saving children from the horror of coal mining, modeling, running a business, and evil lawyers. And though we get a whole book detailing Caitlin’s nauseating brie-and-wine picnics with the evil Julian, this last books seems to skim through the most important aspects of her life.

Anyway…hit it, Rick!

Caitlin is back at Ryan manor, after deciding to take over Ryan Mining. Jed has decided to move there too and they will start a business breeding thoroughbreds. Ugh. So in other words, fuck you, poor people. We buy expensive horses to make more expensive horses. How’s that welfare? Oh but of course they are not staying in the same room! They are not married yet! Plus, Caitlin is still president of the company, which means putting on stylish silk pantsuits and signing documents.

Caitlin and Jed decide to go to a horse auction to start their plantation of animal slaves. They find the horse of their dreams, named Magic Man, but they have to bid on it, and they bid one million fucking dollars. I guess those kids at the summer camp at the mining town don’t need that money. Better yet, instead of having the animal continually raped so they can make money, they decide that they are also going to train the horse to be a racing horse! How awesome! And before you tell me to get off my soap box about animal rights and how these horses like it because they are born to run, let’s just remember that horse who won the Kentucky Derby last year who was shot immediately after because its ankles were broken. FROM RACING.

Oh, can I mention that all the serving staff at Ryan Manor are still there? It’s easy for me to judge those with live in help, but is it fucking necessary? Jeeves the driver/butler whoever has to sit around all day waiting until Caitlin decides she wants to go into town to get her nails done and rush out. And she still has a cook. For two people? because for every meal they need ceviche (I don’t even know what that is, btw) and creme brulee for dessert? Jesus, make your own fucking sandwich Caitlin. Better yet, buy a million dollar horse and kill it and eat it.

So Jed and Caitlin stop fighting for five minutes to have their beautiful fairytale, WASP-y wedding. Then we jump to the next chapter and they are lying on the beach on their honeymoon! What? No fair! Or as Claire Pike would say (nofe air! nofe air!) We don’t get to see their wedding night? I call major bullshit. I mean, I wanted to hear about how Caitlin emerged wearing some cheesy garter thing and the Jed jumps on top of her, grunting and pumping away, and Caitlin laying there like a scared starfish not even understanding that she was supposed to be getting anything out of it. Caitlin tries to say “Jed, I love you baby” but then he says “shut up, I’m almost there!” Perhaps I have thought about these details too much.

Anyway…on their honeymoon in Hawaii, Jed wants to try surfing but Caitlin is dubious because she is afraid that Jed will get hurt. He has a near miss and since I have taken ninth grade English, I can recognize this complicated literary device called foreshadowing. That’s deep. Later on at home, Jed wants to enter a surfing contest at Virginia Beach. Caitlin also finds out that she’s preggers, and debates telling Jed so he won’t try surfing. She refuses because, why should she busy her husband with such womanly things?

Jed wipes out, hits some rocks, or stubs his toe I don’t even remember. He’s rushed to the hospital and he’s paralyzed from the neck down. (Where is Jack Sheppard when you need him?) He doesn’t want Caitlin to stay with him out of pity with himself. But wait, what’s the point of being white, rich and WASP-y if you can’t use your connections? Dr. Westlake, Caitlin’s inappropriately-affectionate father, knows of a doctor doing some ground-breaking spinal surgery who can save Jed. But it’s…evil Julian! Class, that’s called irony. Kind of like when Friends was funny and Joey got fired from his soap opera gig as a brain surgeon and his character was thrown down an elevator shaft, and “the only person that could save me…was me. I guess that’s supposed to be some sort of irony or something.”

So in order to convince Jed to get the surgery (apparently he’s scheduled for the next day, fuck all those people on the waiting list. They’re probably deemed too ugly to get the surgery) Caitlin tells him about his spawn-to-be. Jed agrees to do the surgery, but if it doesn’t work he tells Caitlin, he will annul their marriage and “there will be no baby”. What? Is he going to hire someone to run after Caitlin with a wire coat hanger? Was that over the line?

Oh yea, Julian Stokes has changed, Jed heals, and like two weeks later he’s walking around Ryan Acres with their perfect little baby. Caitlin gets another horse and Magic Man wins a race. Julian and Caitlin’s friend Ginny gets engaged, and so do Melanie (Jed’s sister) and Caitlin’s lawyer. They toast to their future. A future of boring dinner parties and antique shopping.

Ok, is it time to talk about Caitlin’s wedding attire? I like how her veil is made to show off her teased bangs. And is that Jed or her father?

On another note, thanks to everyone who alerted me to the news about Sweet Valley Confidential. Sure, I am excited, but I’m not going to believe it until I see it.

43 thoughts on “Ponies and Abortions

  1. Anonymous says:

    First of all horses are NOT raped they are insememated very humanly and it does not hurt them. Second of all, athletes from every sport get hurt or die sometimes. So I’m sure all sports will just stop now because you have a problem with it. Glad to know that your an expert on horses though I seem to recall you mentioning you were deathly afraid of them and couldn’t stand to be near them. I don’t know what happened to you. Your blog used to be fun to read and interesting. Now it’s just random trash about how much better you think you are than everyone. Seriously though, you need help.

    • Ravenous World says:

      I don’t know, I thought it was funny, tongue in cheek and all, maybe even satirical or sarcastic. And I am sure horses enjoy being “forced” to have babies, if they were human they would cry “rape”.

      Made me chuckle! Thank you ihatewheat.

      Oh and Jack Sheppard is too busy looking up Kate’s skirt (has she ever worn a skirt?), although I do detect a secret boy crash on Sawyer. ;P

    • Rio says:

      Anonymous, for your sake and the sake of everyone around you, please stop stirring shit where it doesn’t merit stirring.

      Anyway, the plot of this book is too ridiculous to deconstruct. And what’s with Caitlin’s hair? It looks like a backwards version of Sarah Palin’s updo.

    • Vanessa Saxton says:

      IHW, you have another troll. It’s been like a year or two since we’ve had some elfin magic around here. I personally love your blog so please keep up the amazing work.

    • justme says:

      This reply is kinda belated…but, have you ever spent time around horses? Did you know that brood mares are (pretty much universally) batshit crazy because their foals are taken away from them too young? Did you know that most race horses retire by the age of six, a time considered the beginning of most horses prime years? Did you know that most of them retire with injuries that affect their quality of life? And thats just a smidge of what goes on. Its a jacked up business (as all animal competitions are). I seriously don’t understand how anyone in their right mind could or would support it…

      All of that aside, this may be my new favorite blog. I’ve never even read a SVH book, but the reviews are hilarious. 🙂

  2. BK says:

    you’re wrong. The derby winner last year was Mine That Bird-still alive. 8 belles was euthanized, not shot- and the injury had been in the making for some time. Get your facts straight.

  3. ihatewheat says:

    Out of the three years I’ve been writing this blog, I’ve never really seen anyone offended by my writing (at least those that comment)- and I am surprised that THIS is the one to strike a nerve.

  4. Anonymous says:

    hey Anonymous, cool it!!

    The difference between horse and human athletes is that human athletes actually get to choose to do a sport or not… horses not so much. If a human athlete gets an ankle injury, they certainly aren’t “euthanized humanely” for it either. Gross.

    Same with the forced baby-making thing.

    She just expressed her opionion, which was pretty humane by the way, it doesn’t mean she “thinks she’s better than everyone else” or “needs help”. Geez. Seems to have struck a nerve with you, huh.

  5. nikki says:

    Whee! I love bitchy comments! I actually love gambling on the ponies, but I still laughed a lot at your horse rape joke – and I don’t think that you think you’re better than me.

    Also, thank god I’m not the only one who ALWAYS thinks “Nofe Air” when I see the words “No Fair.”

  6. bookslide says:


    This is the only book I don’t have yet, so I’m putting off reading the trilogy again. I think it’s again, anyway. I don’t think I ever bought this one, but I do think I read it eventually…

  7. Jen S says:

    Much as I’d love to comment on the horse rape thing, I am much too enthralled by Caitlin’s deliriously fugly headband veil! Oh, the eighties! I thought those things were worn by white trash brides to highlight the pinky-purlply sequin-and-lace bodice inserts in their cheap white wedding dresses. Caitlin, for God’s sake, you are SUPPOSED to be RICH. Rich and Bitch are your two defining characteristics, why are you dressing like the reception will be beer batter chicken wings and Miller High Life at a backyard barbeque?

    My only hope is that Julian is secretly lurking in the shadows to grab it right off her head and place it in his jerk off shrine next to the velvet coat.

  8. maybeimamazed02 says:

    Your description of Caitlin’s wedding night had me spitting Diet Coke all over my computer screen.

    Ceviche is raw seafood with a special kind of juice/sauce that sort of “cooks” it. (Thank you, Top Chef!) It looks delicious but is supposedly really hard to get right, if the cheftestant screwups are any indication.

    Yeah, that consumerism is insane, even for the 80’s. Dudes, at least give a shit ton to charity (says the arts fundraiser in me)!

  9. maplesstraveler says:

    I was tentatively excited when I read that Sweet Valley Confidential is supposedly “definitely” coming out in 2011. I’m afraid to get my hopes up. I guess when they release a cover image for it I might start to believe it. And whatever happened to that SVH musical?

  10. Whallie says:

    Anonymous, you’re such an assclown! I find it amusing that you’re so offended that you actually had to post disparaging remarks about someone’s comical, yet enlightening, view of a book written in the 80’s, that was created for a 10 year old. BRAVO! What’s your real name, Anonymous? So that we can all mail you some freshly ejaculated horses’ sperm and/or a dead horse.

    Either way, everyone is this book, as well as “Anonymous” is an ASSCLOWN!

  11. Roger Patman says:

    I wonder if the cover artist fashioned Caitlin’s dress after her own? Those head pieces were really fugly, weren’t they?!?
    Thank goodness my wedding dress only consisted of millions of fake jewels/beads,countless yards of lace and pleats..wait, holy shit, that’s ME on the cover!

  12. Magpie says:

    I love it when somebody posts a rant about something in the comments of a blog, whilst also managing to miss the point completely. Thanks for the LOL, Anonymous, I really needed that today. Ihatewheat, if you need help then I think we all do, but I’m happy to be in such good company.

    Anyway, I think we can get excited about Sweet Valley Confidential, because I’m pretty sure I read that this latest round of rumours has been sparked by an editorial assistant working on the new book. Maybe I’ll live to regret it when the book turns out to be totally craptastic, but at the moment I can’t wait.

  13. Regina Sorrow says:

    Horse people are crazy.
    In support of The Dairi Burger I’m going out onto my roof to scream race-horse slurs until my throat is sore.

  14. Neek1981 says:

    I can’t believe no one has commented on Caitlin’s nails. Am I the only one who thinks they look creepy and long? I’m lovin’ the plump lips on the girl, though. She’s looking a little ethnic. Awesome!
    I never read this series, but I sometimes saw the ads for them at the back of the SVH books. I remember one that said something like, “Caitlyn Ryan is a character similar to Jessica Wakefield, but even more beautiful.” Barf!!

  15. amanda says:

    Sure, sure, Sweet Valley Confidential is a dream come true, etc. etc…but what about Caitlin Confidential, where we check in with 400 year old Caitlin and learn all about the perils of marrying your dad (because the dude on the cover is clearly her dad)???? Where we find Caitlin addicted to botox and xanex and falling off horses while wearing her daughter’s skinny jeans, which have slid down just enough to reveal the Daddy/Jed trampstamp on her ass? When is Diablo Cody going to adapt the Caitlin Trilogy TRILOGY into a film trilogy?

    • Miss Moppet says:

      I love the idea of Caitlin Confidential! Book or film, don’t care which. Brooke Shields should play Caitlin.

      I think I am way too excited about SV Confidential. Last night I dreamed about Liz and Jess. They were on the run from some madman kidnapper, just for a change. Thank God I can’t remember much of it.

  16. belledame222 says:


    Jesus, I didn’t even remember these. The series might have started right about when I began to go off of SVH.

    You know, if I wanted to fap off about megabucks, I think I’d want to go the whole route and do, like, Catherine the Great or something. Marie Antoinette. Roman orgies. Pearls in vinegar. Who fantasizes about corporate mergers and neo-industrial tycooning? Boring people, that’s who.

  17. belledame222 says:

    …I wasn’t consciously free associating Catherine the Great with “horse.” HOWEVER. Speaking of “really, you could throw in a lot more decadence with that general theme you have going there.” Ahem.

  18. Vanessa Saxton says:

    So how messed up was Francie? Maybe she was teased as a child and decided that all the oldies, uglies, and fatties had to go. Did she really write Caitlin or did she have ghostwriters? I never read this series but it seems very Victorian era. Was it set in present day, or at least the 80’s?

  19. BartTempleton says:

    Ya’ll are missing the genius of those bangs-veils. It’s a headpiece that doesn’t cover the head. You get all the benefits of saying you wore a wedding veil (like a demure bride should) while not having to hide your teased and backcombed crowning glory.

    Millions of 80s brides can’t be wrong, can they?

    With all the poseur faux-80s hipsterness going on in the fashion world today, these veils will make a comeback with the quickness. Shoot, if Rihanna threw that on with a minidress and neon tights, they’d come back into semi-permanent circulation.

  20. willaful says:

    I was so confused, because I thought from that hideous dress this was supposed to be a historical story, like the 1880’s. I somehow managed to completely blot out the 1980’s!

  21. anastasia says:

    I seriously remember reading this book and the one line that totally stood out for me was “Caitlin smiled as she remembered it was 6 weeks after her wedding day… and wedding night…” slight paraphrasing going on here… I think I was about 13 when I read this… made a HUGE impression on me!!!

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