from the blog of Claire Middleton

Cover Courtesy of The Closet

My first day at Sweet Valley High. Really? Really? This is a high school? I was enrolled in only three classes, French, English and History. The rest is lunch. Ugh. I am so sad that I transferred. The whole school seems to revolve around these obnoxious blond twins. One came up to me and wanted me to join some stupid sorority. I guess they have a quota for brunettes. Another one keeps bugging me for an interview and she keeps asking me all these personal questions and seems mad when I flinch away when she tries to put her hand on my shoulder.

I’ve realized what can make this school more bearable: I’ll join the football team. It’s the only thing I like and it seems like in this school everyone has a one-dimensional personality trait. I’ll be “the tomboy.” Plus, it seems that this high school has had every cliche possible except for the “girl tries to join the boy’s sports team.”

Hubba hubba! I met this guy Ken Matthews who is also trying out as quarterback for the team. He’s got a great ass and is total himbo, two things I love in a guy. He’s totally into me but he has this annoying girlfriend Terri, who apparently has his dick on a leash. She seems to get mad whenever we hang out, so I’ll just do it some more. Word on the street is that Ken was blind for a while and Terri led him around the halls and he figured he may as well hit that. I actually heard her wailing, “I wish Ken was still blind!” I think being here is punishment for that brief time when I gained five pounds.

Ok, not cool you guys. Someone found out that my brother died of cancer and he was the one who made me love football. The slutty Wakefield twin did a cheer that mentioned him during the tryouts. If that was not bad enough, once I went running off the field, the annoying Wakefield twin ran after me trying to comfort me. What the fuck is this place?

Ken got quarterback, I’m second string, and Terri got Ken back. Joke’s on her, I gave him an tug job behind the bleachers after school today. He sobbed during it. Weird. It’s amazing how all problems here wrap up by Friday afternoon, just in time for a dance. Well, at least now people will leave me alone, and I can just show up for random parties or talent shows and the like.

27 thoughts on “from the blog of Claire Middleton

    • inthemainstream says:

      I was under the impression they were all Ken dolls. I really wish the tug job was for real. (If it is, I haven’t been reading my SVH as closely as I should.)

    • Whallie says:

      Ditto! We need to read the words of the cheer. Plus, what was the ghost writers excuse for her not to make quarterback? And, who is this girl? And do we hear from her ever again? Must know!

      • Rio says:

        The cheer (courtesy of 1bruce1):

        Who needs a guy
        when a girl instead
        can play like Claire?
        We know about Ted!

        And, yes, we do hear from Claire again in #78, The Dating Game. The entire plot is too convoluted to describe here, but it involves her going out with a guy under false pretenses and (spoiler alert) NOT falling in love with him. It’s pretty amazing.

  1. BartTempleton says:

    Oh so short, yet oh-so-chock-full of quotable lines.

    “I’ll be the tomboy.” (like it’s a personal decision)

    “I think being here is punishment for that brief time when I gained five pounds.”

    What’s this nobody’s name again? If this monologue represents her actual attitude throughout the book, I’mma have to look up any and every book she appears in. She rocks.

  2. perfectsize12 says:

    LOL at “I guess they have a quota for brunettes” and “…and seems mad when I flinch away when she tries to put her hand on my shoulder”

    Actually, LOL at the whole thing! I always wondered what goes through the minds of the secondary and tertiary characters who are forced to put up with the Wakefields’ crap and attend mandatory school spirit type functions.

  3. Vanessa Saxton says:

    I totally forget- how do they find out about Ted? Doesn’t Liz do some “investigative reporting” for the Oracle?

    • Magpie says:

      I think Amy the Uber Bitch sees a photo of him that says something like “love from Ted”, so they conclude that he’s a secret boyfriend. Then Steven (home from college, as per usual) recognises the name Middleton, because Ted was at SVU with him, and tells Liz the full story. I might be missing something, though, it’s been a while.

      • Magpie says:

        D’oh, that should have read “sees a photo of him in Claire’s locker”. I’m not on the ball today.

  4. Magpie says:

    Transfer students to SVH must feel a lot like the kid whose parents made him move to Eerie, Indiana (anyone else remember that show?).

    Sweet Valley trying to tackle gender roles is always priceless. Girls are good enough to play football – but don’t get ahead of yourselves, you’re not good enough to make first string. I don’t understand why Jessica hates Claire so much, but then again, she doesn’t seem to need much of an excuse to bully people.

    • MT says:

      YES! I remember that show! I loved it. In fact, in college a friend of mine tracked down the DVD set and we watched most of them at his place.

  5. Neek1981 says:

    Rio, that sounds like the lamest. cheer. ever. But then again, the SV cheerleaders never had any cool cheers, did they? I think someone else quoted one that said something like, “We who are going to win, salute you!” WTF???

    • Rio says:

      Jess didn’t improve much from when she was cheerleading on Valentine’s Day in middle school:

      “Give me an L! Give me an O!
      Give me a V! Give me an E!
      What’s that spell? What’s that spell?
      Love! Love! Yay!”

      Yes, that cheer happened.

  6. Bridget Locke says:

    I’m sorry, but she looks like a boy who’s been added to a girl’s body with long hair.

    I can’t remember the last time I read SVH, but truly I am so glad I stopped. The plots give me a headache. lol

  7. Laura says:

    I just finished reading The Egoist by George Meridith and the main character’s name was Clara Middleton. The novel focused on the lack of rights a woman had in the 19th century and was mostly property exchanged between men (from father to husband). Clara didn’t want to marry Wiloughby the Egoist, but was unsure how to say no without causing scandal. I suppose it could be considered feminist inspired fiction (the idea that women had thoughts in regards to men??? unreal!) so I wonder if that is why this SVH character shares the name and then goes out for football which would be so out of “character” for a girl…

    • Belle says:

      It sounds like a good story but I don’t think Francine was ever that deep. I think she just chose the name because it sounded SV-ish.

    • Val says:

      Well, Sweet Valley High would probably have the worst high school football team in existence if a girl made QB. Just saying. Even making second string is pure fantasy. Unless all the boys in SVH really are Ken dolls.

  8. Vanessa Saxton says:

    Not related to Clare and the Scooby Gang but I heard that there’s a brothel in Nevada called the Shady Lady. Wonder if that was named after the SV one. I am being serious here, too.

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