I guess this makes Jessica “Deepthroat”

Cover Courtesy of The Closet

Ned Wake field is running for mayor of Sweet Valley! Here’s his campaign platform:

Qualifications: he’s handsome, dark and broad-shouldered. He’s a successful lawyer who practices all kinds of law: criminal, family, litigation, corporate, you name it!

He’s a family man- he’s so virile that he has identical twins! Oh, except for the fact that he is currently separated from his wife, Alice. Don’t let that get out to the press.

How does he stand on the issues?

ENVIRONMENT

We must protect the environment! Secca Lake must be kept to a standard! How else will the teens have a picnic! Miller’s Point must be registered in historical places so no mall will ever be built on them!

SAFETY

We really need to eamine our police department. We have the highest rate of murder, stalking, kidnapping, bombing per capita of any city on the world!

COMMERCE

We need to shut down all seedy bars, like Kelley’s. And open more joke shops whwere high school kids can get props for their comedy.

TOURSIM

We need to keep spreading the word that Sweet Valley is the best place to live in the world! We need more photo essays of this town! And for more teenagers to make documentaries about it!

Ok really folks, Ned is running for mayor but there  is no mention of his ideas, or even who he is running against. But anyway, who cares,right? it reminds me of when someone bought me the Barbie for president doll and her campaign platform was something like “kindness to animals, physical fitness, and world peace” or something like that.

Again, another misleading title and cover. It makes it seem as if the twins are hatching dueling schemes to get their parents back together. Really, it’s just Jessica being a selfish brat and seeing her parents’ separation as fullfilling her needs. In fact, she goes out of her way to try and set Alice up with men. One of them being Mr. Collins. He takes Alice out to dinner, probably to squint at her and pretend she’s Elizabeth. Elizabeth schemes to get her parents back together because…if they can’t be in love, THEN HOW CAN LOVE EXIST???

Oh yea, there’s a political scandal. If you were hoping for semen on a dress…come on this is Sweet Valley! You know better. Apparently some evil consultant, Mr. Knapp, framed Maria Santelli’s father, which is why he resigned as mayor. Now Mr. Knapp is helping Ned, and somehow tricking him into campaigning for a commercial development to be built on the beach. I don’t know, don’t ask. But, not their precious beach!!!! How will they still hold surf contests, have romantic strolls in the moonlight, and meet random men who turn out to be psychopaths??

But of course, Ned is clueless and the only ones that can help them are the Scooby gang. The twins and friends hideout in the campaign office and videotape Mr. Knapp or something. I’m being vague because I don’t really give a shit. Mr. Wakefield realizes that Peter Santelli was framed and should be reinstated as mayor.  Ned’s holier-than-thou behavior gets Alice all hot and bothered, and they get back together.

Oh, and Ned wants to better understand the plight of Sweet Valley’s homeless, so he wants to sleep out on the street for a night to understand. That’s right up there with blindfolding yourself so you know what it feels like to be blind.

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23 thoughts on “I guess this makes Jessica “Deepthroat”

  1. Jen S says:

    OMG, I TOTALLY went camping one time, so I TOTALLY understand homelessness! Especially with the untreated mental and physical illnesses, denial of veteran’s coverage, and sexual violence!

    Je-SUS. That reminds me of a aquaintance of mine, who’s blind, who keeps getting people telling her, in very compassionate voices, “my grandmother’s in a wheelchair, so I totally understand what it’s like to be–*pause* DISABLED.”

    Also, how does one run for mayor with absolutely no idea about what they want for the city or any kind of platform or…? And how does one get TRICKED into inadvertently covering a beach with malls and condos? Seriously, I’ve never considered a life of crime before, but someone send me Ned’s address–I could con him out of every penny he owns in like, a weekend.

  2. Rio says:

    ‘I guess this makes Jessica “Deepthroat”’

    HA! But, seriously, prior to SVU, Jess always avoids doing anything that has the word “sex” in it. In the Senior Year series, it’s only when people accuse her of having OMG TEH SEX with a guy that she starts to question her history, which is entirely composed of passionately kissing many, many guys (unless you count the attempted sexual assaults).

    And as for this book. Seriously, a commercial development deal? That’s almost status quo in today’s politics. This plot reads like an after-school special about a group of precocious fourth-graders who use some Rube Goldberg prank to try to stop a greedy land developer from doing his job.

    I personally would have loved to see Mr. Collins and Alice get together. Imagine the ensuing tension with Liz!

    • Miss Moppet says:

      Imagine the Lolita-esque moment when Alice discovers Mr Collins’s secret diary…He tries to persuade her it’s just sketches for a novel he’s thinking of writing and he used her and Elizabeth’s names because they were the first that sprang to mind…She runs out into the road completely distraught…A squeal of brakes…It was Ned in the car! Someone had told him Mr Collins was a perv and he raced over to tell Alice! Only to accidentally run her over! Liz and Jess come home to find him sobbing over Alice’s lifeless body while Mr Collins sneaks out the house by the back door and gets the hell out of the country.

      Jess’s reaction: More shoes for me – Mom and I took the same size!
      Liz’s reaction: This will make a great article!

    • Neek1981 says:

      Isn’t Mr. Collins in his 20s? Maybe I’m mistaken, but I thought he was closer to the twins’ age. Collins and Alice? Talk about a cougar tale!!!

  3. Neek1981 says:

    I think I read this one. I believe it was a recycled plot from an earlier book. Anyone remember when Ned moved out and there was like some sort of rumor about him being with another woman? Maybe it was from the SVT series. I think her name was Mariana West–why do I remember her name when I can barely remember important things???
    Glad that you pointed out how misleading this cover is. Seems to me that this one is mostly about Ned and the election, so why not put Ned on the cover? Were there ever any covers that featured the parents? Anyway, hate this cover. Liz is all squinty eyed and Jess looks like she’s posing for a catalog.

    • Becca says:

      The Marianna West story line is from Book #1 – Double Love! Ned doesn’t move out, but the twins think that something is going on with him and his new legal partner, so of course they totally over-react. I don’t think Alice suspects anything though.

      I had quit reading SVH by this book but it doesn’t sound like I missed much. And what teenage daughter is really excited that her parents are getting separated? My parents were separated for about a year when I was in high school and if my mom had dated anyone I probably would’ve thrown up. Jessica is awful. (I know, nothing new there.)

      • MT says:

        I think they also replayed the “Dad’s cheating!” storyline in Sweet Valley Twins with “Jumping to Conclusions” but can’t recall. I think it was either that or they just thought their parents were going to split up, and of course they had it way wrong.

      • Magpie says:

        MT – yes, they did do that storyline in “Jumping to Conclusions”, I remember now! Except the twins thought Alice was having an affair, rather than Ned. I think it turned out he was just hiring her interior design services. Also in that book, Sweet Valley canon imploded when Alice told the twins that she and Ned met at a carnival or something, when we all know that he saved her from drowning at the beach.

      • MT says:

        Magpie – you mean, he didn’t meet her while she was waitressing at The Box Tree Cafe or Palomar House or whatever it was? Hehehehehe 🙂 Aaaand that’s story #3!

  4. jms says:

    Never thought about it before, but there are no covers featuring Ned and Alice! No wonder I have such vague mental pictures of them.

    When I was younger, I decided Mr. Collins was 28 (why 28? I dunno), but he’s more likely in his early 30s. He has a 6-year-old son (at least sometimes–poor Teddy is only mentioned as an occasional convenient plot device) and has been married and divorced, so he probably isn’t that young.

    • MT says:

      I think one of the earlier books mentions that he is in late 20s and looks like Robert Redford — maybe Perfect Summer, I’m not sure, possibly earlier than that. But yeah, I think 30’s would fit better with him! and with all the continuity this series offers, it probably says he’s 20 in one book and 40 in another. 🙂

  5. Janelle says:

    My images of Ned and Alice mostly come from the illustrations in the Sweet Valley Kids books! Although- I do believe that they’re on the cover of one of the Sweet Valley Sagas- the blue one (Actually, nevermind, I don’t think that’s actually supposed to be them, but that’s what I picture them to look like!). I think there’s at least one Sweet Valley Twins book that has Alice on it, too.

    • Neek1981 says:

      I know Jess got married in the SVU series. She was married for a couple of books and then had it annulled (sp?) after Steve got into a fight/gun struggle with her husband Mike. Never really understood why she got married to begin with, guess Mike was her one true love, though she did get over him quickly enough, just like all of her other myriad lovers. 🙂

  6. Magpie says:

    I’d forgotten about Ned spending the night outdoors. Jeez, that’s patronising of him. I’m quite glad they didn’t dwell on his political stance, though, as it probably focuses on campaigning for Sweet Valley to be made official centre of the universe.

  7. Belle says:

    I would’ve thought that as soon as NaAlice even mentioned the word ‘separation’, the twins’ hair would turn a mousy brown, they instantly gain ten pounds, Steven transforms into a raging alcoholic and their kitchen tiles go from Spanish to Wal-mart plastic. I mean, that is the norm, right?

  8. goowhenna says:

    O ile Kowalski dostaje rente w wielkosci 700 zlociutkich natomiast bierze na sobie rate, jaka bedzie wynosic 400 czy 500 niezlocistych owo powinien bodaj zastanowic sie a rzec, ze nie bedzie w stanie splacic dlugu.
    O ile kolei w sklepach sa zbyt obezwladniajacego albo zniechecajace, prawdopodobni kredytobiorcy zdolaja trwac dostep do ich stronic internetowych oraz pozyskac pozyczke w prostych transakcji internetowych, jakie sa porecznego, gdy i bezpieczne, zada wrecz przeciwnie nieco dokumentow zas weryfikacje w telosu przyrzeczenia tamtego rodzaju zapewnien w transakcji. kredyt wierzytelnosci sa sklepy Najszybszym algorytmem na otrzymanie kredytu.
    Tym dziedzicom owo poprawnie… Zauwazalabym dziedziczke z Oskomie z na razie
    http://www.chevelleinc.com/content/po%C5%BCyczki-bez-bik-ranking-1

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