The ten commandments of the Wakefields

1. Jessica acts like a sociopath but everyone forgives her because…gosh darn it, it’s so hard to stay mad at her for long!

Jessica wants Liz to try out with her for a part as twins on a soap opera. Liz is like, above all that nonsense (despite filling in at the Miss Teen Sweet Valley Pageant, and appearing on the talk show as Jess) so Jessica tricks her into going by making her believe she’s been invited to a focus group about twins. Which of course, Liz is stoked about, because it’s super-important research . Then they have a fight in the waiting room for the audish, and they are so awesome they are hired right on the spot!

2. Liz Wakefield is an amazing writer and reporter, and we always need to be reminded.

Jessica finally convinces Liz to do the show when she sends her stuff to the Los Angeles Times and offers Liz up to write articles about the experience for the. The editor of the times says he knows her work because HE SCOURS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPERS LOOKING FOR TALENT. Oh, jesus.

3. Ned and Alice come in last place for parents of the year.

Not only do they let Jessica go and party with the cast, she allows her to spend the weekend in LA with Lila and Amy under the watchful eye of Mr. Fowler. She also lets the star, Brandon Hunter, take her to a rock star’s house in the Hollywood Hills. Where they just hang around playing charades, not doing coke off every surface like it would be every week (Hey, I’ve seen Californication). Speaking of…

4. Famous movie stars and rock stars fall in love with one or more of the twins.

Jessica starts dating Brandon,despite him being twenty-two and she sixteen. Really? parents are ok with this? And the tabloids? pedo much?This is not the first time this has happened- Didn’t Elizabeth date some rock star in Malibu? And then later Jessica dates some guy in Manhattan? Not to mention Jeremy Frank, Jamie Peters…

5. The entertainment industry has no realistic rules.

Wouldn’t Jess and Elizabeth have to be supervised on the set?  Aren’t there child labor laws? Do all actresses really get to keep their outfits? Also, when Jess and Liz decide to get back at Brandon for being such a douche, they fuck up the scene to make him confused. Sure, great, waste the director’s and the crew’s time to suit your own needs. Furthermore, the show airs the same afternoon as it’s filmed. Really? Also, the director did not like how one of their final scenes worked out, so they DECIDE TO DO THE SCENE LIVE during the airing. REALLY? REALLY?

6. Everyone gives a shit about what the Wakefields do.

Apparently, everyone hears about Jessica’s dates with Brandon because they are ALL OVER THE TABLOIDS. I know soaps were way bigger in the early 90s, but really? All over the tabloids?  Perhaps in a sad little soap opera rag you see at the checkout stand. Everyone at Steven’s college is jerking off to the twins pictures apparently. And probably also Steven.

7. Once again, everyone forgives Jessica because she’s just so…well, she’s Jessica!

Elizabeth thanks Jessica for tricking her into doing it because she had so much fun. And Jessica basically cuckolds Sam in the tabloids, but he forgives her only after Jessica realizes Brandon is a douche. So she goes to her backup boyfriend. Sam, dieing a fiery death is much better than having to deal with this fucking maniac Jessica.

Also, this is an Elizabeth gem. The director asks her how she likes working on the show.

“I have to admit that at the beginning, I was skeptical, maybe even a trifle smug. I thought soap opera actors were overpaid and underworked, and I really didn’t see the appeal of watching a bunch of people dig themselves into one problem situation after another.”

“Liz!: Jessica tried to shush her.

“It’d alright,” William said, his eyes twinkling. “I appreciate her honesty. What do you think now?”

“Now I realize how hard everyone works to put out a good product. I plan to talk about the glamor and the hard work aspects in my latest article. And I appreciate how the cast and crew has been so open and helpful with me. “

Oh, gee Liz, thanks for giving your approval to soap operas, they were going to cancel them because of your disdain. Oh, and people digging themselves into one problem after another? Shall I count the number of times you’ve been threatened by a killer? Or saved someone’s life? Or started a class war? And did she use the words ‘a trifle smug”?

But, as a postscript, this is one of the “better” SVHs. And by “better” I mean quite entertaining with all the random shit they throw in and the ridiculous events. Also, Lila is the schemer who comes up with the ways to trick Liz. Lila is at her best when scheming.

Oh yea, that’s only seven commandments. Whatevevs.

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27 thoughts on “The ten commandments of the Wakefields

  1. Kelly says:

    In other SVH news I put up my Christmas tree today with only silver balls (dirty!). Then I was full of self loathing so I added more balls (that’s what she said). Green balls. Tomorrow, after I go through more SVH therapy I shall reconsider the red balls. Don’t even ask me about blue balls (that’s what HE said!).

  2. Mrs Dallas says:

    Can we all take a moment to check out Jessica’s body shape here? She looks like she’s been photoshopped REALLY badly.

    There are no words to describe the hair, the dress, and OH GOD is that Brandon?

  3. Laura @ Hungry and Frozen says:

    Amen to your commandments. This was definitely one of the better SVH’s, in spite of the mad liberties taken with logic. I like that Sam is in here, even if Jess treats him appallingly. The glamour of it and the ease with which Jess got cast seemed all very exciting when I read this years ago.

  4. anastasia says:

    Definitely one of the better SVHs!

    And, yeah… loved how they had to film the scene live… that would NEVER happen in real life LOL

  5. Magpie says:

    This was one of my favourites (but then, that was back before I knew that TV shows are filmed weeks in advance, so I wasn’t annoyed by the glaring inaccuracy). Jessica is a total bitch to Sam the whole time she’s on TV, but in the Secret Diary they completely changed it around so that Sam is a controlling jerk. I think in the end he makes her promise to give up acting. Down with the writers for disrespecting Sam, one of the best male characters in the entire series!

  6. Anonymous says:

    I never read this one. It sounds like shit.

    2)The editor of the Los Angeles Times scours high school newspapers=unFUCKINGbelievable! What does he do, recruit reporters like Liz? Is he interested in reading her gossip column? I’m surprised he didn’t ask her to take over as editor in this one.

    3)The Wakefields come in last for parents of the year—I keep wondering why the twins didn’t get knocked up or drug addicted. No way would I let my child go off unsupervised to some Hollywood/Rock Star party.

    5) The entertainment industry has no realistic rules—When did the twins film the soap? During school hours? Don’t TV stars work like 15 hour days or some shit?

    6)Everyone gives a shit about what the Wakefields do…Cannot believe that no one mentioned the inappropriateness of Jess and Brandon’s relationship in this book. Anyone remember the Genarlow Wilson case? He was a 17-yr-old boy down here in Atlanta who had sex with a consenting 15-yr-old girl. Anyway, they wanted to give the guy 10 yrs in prison, (which I thought was outrageous) but anyway, I guess they don’t have laws in good ole Sweet Valley!

    Also, I have to comment that Jess’s eyes look demonic on the cover of this one. Looks like she’ll either drink your bloood or hypnotize you…Brandon look like he has the poise and demeanor of Billy Zane’s character from Titanic = NOT GOOD!

    How does shit like this get published? Was the writer even taking this seriously or was he trying to be snarky in an undercover sort of way?

    You’ve made my day again, Ihatewheat. 🙂

    • penny ayala says:

      “I guess they don’t have laws in good ole sweet valley” hahaha but then again they dont have SEX in good ole sweet valley!

  7. Jen S says:

    Whoah! Man, I gave up acting because it’s such an enormous mountain of shit, rusted refrigerators and leaking batteries to climb just to be considered for some infomercial running at 2 a.m. in Oaklahoma. Oh, if only I were a beautiful sixteen year old sociopath with a twin that I play like a fiddle! Just think of the charade parties I could attend with my 22 year old date that likes the underage girls!

    Seriously, I think one of the many reasons the SVH books were such a clusterfuck of popularity among girls of a certain age is they really fulfilled the fantasy of some powerful man/business/modeling agency looking over and just being blown away by how beautiful and talented and perfect we all secretly hoped we were. You don’t have to do anything, just exist, and the world trips over itself to give you piles of money and clothes and boyfreinds in thanks for your deigning to exist.

  8. Kitten Whitman says:

    Everyone at Steven’s college is jerking off to the twins pictures apparently. And probably also Steven.

    So very true! I think we ought to do a thread where everyone digs up an inappropriate exchange between Steven & one/both of the twins. I have dibs on his eyeing Jessica’s ta-tas in Kidnapped, clad in only a snugly fitting towel. *palms face

    That being said–GOD, I can’t wait for the movie!!

  9. Whallie says:

    Jessica looks like she’s 40 on the cover. Looking back at pictures of my friends and I when we were 16, we actually looked 16, even at prom with all of that cover girl make up caked on our faces. Maybe the artist is just accentuating Jessica’s sun tanned leather face.

  10. Jenn says:

    Um I can’t say a whole lot about the age difference because when I was 16 I dated a 23 year old and no one ended up in jail lol. I love in this book that Sam shows up in a Batman costume and totally validates Jess, making her the center of attention once again!

  11. Miss Moppet says:

    Confession time: If Jessica’s dress was:
    a)black
    b)didn’t have that silly bow thing on the side
    c)doesn’t have a puffball skirt (which I strongly suspect it does)

    I would wear it.

    I don’t know what it means by “would fame spoil Jessica” – to all intents and purposes she already is famous in the world of Sweet Valley, which is clearly shown to be the centre of the universe.

    Why didn’t I notice how patronising Liz is the first time I read these books? Why did I so passively accept that she is the “nice” twin?

  12. Lauri says:

    I think technically Liz’s boyfriend in Malibu was 17 pretending to be 20. You know, if I didn’t have so much useless SVH trivia in my head I would have room for useful things and be a CPA now.

  13. Emily says:

    I’m getting an Edward Norton vibe from the guy on the cover. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking as Edward Norton paired with SVH would not only MAKE NO SENSE but would also be my version of heaven.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Jen S, I totally agree with you. I think the books were what you call a ‘clusterfuck of popularity’ because they catered to what we hoped our lives would be like. We all wanted to be the center of the universe and have all of our problems solved within 200 pgs.

  15. Whallie says:

    Emily, you’re funny. He not only looks really old but he has this, “wtf am I doing here?” look on his face. It’s the same look I have after reading one of these books that I can’t seem to get enough of. LMFAO

  16. Mary Anne Bruno says:

    When the author says “Would fame ruin Jessica,” they must be speaking about her physical looks because we all know her soul has been tarnished since they were kids (Anyone read Sweet Valley Kids? I only read the Kids Easter Special….but still, Oh god, I am lame!!)

  17. Margo Rising says:

    “Everyone at Steven’s college is jerking off to the twins pictures apparently. And probably also Steven.” ::DIES::

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