Stop it you guys, it’s not funny anymore.

Every time I read a “Reader of the Month” entry, a little part of my soul dies.

Hi, my name is Jayme _____.

I’m going to save her some dignity and not print her last name on here. I did google her and lucky for us, she turned out okay. She’s an employee benefits consultant, and has three kids. And volunteers at her church’s winter carnival and founded an association for state ambassadors. Hrrrm, sounds a bit Liz Wakefield-ish, no?

I am thirteen years old and entering eighth grade. My favorite subject is English and my least favorite is math.

Math is hard, you guys!

There are several reasons why I love all the Sweet Valley books. One is that they are pretty realistic.

Sigh. [Head in hands.]

I have never been to California before, but from the specific details in the Sweet Valley books, Sweet Valley sounds just like a real place and what I’ve dreamed it to be.

Make up your mind. Is it real or did you dream it?

The  Wakefields sound like a fun-loving family that anyone would want to be a part of. I feel like I know what the town of Sweet Valley and the Wakefield’s house, inside and out, look like.

So do I, Jayme, so do I.  The Spanish tiles are burned into my mind.

So, in conclusion, to all of the writers and contributors of Sweet Valley books, give yourselves a pat on the back for a job well done.

Well, at least she realizes that there are ghost writers. Who would love nothing more than a condescending congrats from a thirteen year old reader. Wait, I thought there were several reasons she loved the books. What are the other ones, Jayme, WHAT ARE THE OTHER ONES?

In other news, check out my tumblog.

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18 thoughts on “Stop it you guys, it’s not funny anymore.

  1. Roger Patman says:

    Spark my memory..did these ROM’s get anything, like a prize or some such shit? Autograph from Liz, and bag of the twins’ steaming poo, a semen laced dress from Annie Whitman?

  2. RollingStone says:

    I actually remember reading this one in the back of an SV book (probably a Twins one since those were the ones I read the most) years and years ago – I must have been about 11 or 12. The part that triggered the memory was the phrase “they’re pretty realistic” because even back then, I thought “What planet does this girl live on?!”

    I’d still like to know the answer to that question.

  3. MT says:

    Hey Roger Patman – I think they got a free Sweet Valley book. And, I think they had some kind of “Win a fabulous trip” contest when they first launched these dumb Reader of the Month things. Hey, do you guys remember that contest where the winner got to eat lunch with Francine? Who the hell won THAT?

  4. Jen S. says:

    Hee! And they were all “guess which of us is Francine–WRONG! You pay for lunch! Now, who wants tequila shots? It’s five o’clock somewhere in the world!”

  5. Rio says:

    No, she was there. Only she never allowed the reader to look her in the eye, she spoke through a ghostwriter (i.e. “Madam Pascal welcomes you to luncheon, First Name of Contest Winner. Do sit down and enjoy a cucumber sandwich. Served only at Lila’s finest costume parties.”), and she spent the entire meal talking on her cell with her accountant and her pool boy, occasionally interjecting a scathing comment about the reader’s appearance in a Miranda Priestly-esque way.

    So this poor specimen was from Minnesota. I think there’s a Brenda Walsh joke in there somewhere.

  6. Jayme says:

    A few days ago, my eight-year-old niece told me that she was entering a contest to be a reader-of-the-month for a book series she’s reading. I laughed and remembered back to when I did the same thing, although I was a few years older. While I am sure I have a copy of the book that you’re all talking about somewhere in my boxes of “good things from childhood”, I googled the book and my maiden name to see if I could find it to show her. I honestly feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach after reading this. Not because I think back and want to argue that what I wrote was literary genius by any means, but because at the time that I wrote it, what I read in the Sweet Valley High books was the only escape from an emotionally abusive family. I dreamed that there could be a family like the Wakefields and that California looked like I imagined it from the books. As a well-educated and well-traveled adult, I realize that my views of the world outside my own as a naive 13-year-old weren’t very realistic. However, thinking back on myself as the person who wrote this, as silly as it may sound to all of you now, my feelings were very real and again, the only escape I had from a very sad “real world”.

    • ihatewheat says:

      Jayme, I don’t doubt or dismiss what you were going through at the time you wrote this. However, if you read the rest of the blog, the overall theme is criticizing these books and how they convinced us that the world of Sweet Valley is the perfect world, which, as we can see now as adults, is ridiculous and quite frankly insulting to us as young readers.

      • Jayme says:

        I get it – I really do. In fact, I enjoyed reading parts of your blog once I saw what it was. That said, personal slams at a 13-year-old girl are sad. I’m obviously beyond that now as a 33-year-old woman, but to make fun of a child for finding enjoyment, escape, and hope (although misguided as it was) in a life where there wasn’t a whole lot of enjoyment is sad. I’m not 13 anymore, but someone else is and likely finding the same escape that I did. It’s one thing to make fun of an adult author or of a book series or whatever, but a child? That is sad to me.

  7. Suddenly, Sassy! says:

    When I were *Jaymes* age I were writing to obscure garage bands and burned out 1960’s psychedelic rock band freaks, and comic book peeps…like Mr. Stan Lee. But then i was also reading Terry Brooks and Stephen King and olaying D&D and being dorkly so i didn’t have time for shit like *SVH*. Is it 2 l8t in the game of life for me to entrench myself in this sordid world of california high school melodrama?! Will it devour me alive like some alien flesh eating virus?! Will i enjoy such a thoreauly anniahahalating experience?!

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