Loser Hippies need love too

Guess what, SVH administrators have found a way for students to spend even less time in classes; each period is shortened by 5 minutes so they can have a special two-week workshops. The big thing on everyone’s mind is which class should they take? Lila’s doing dressmaking, and Elizabeth is taking painting, so Enid bribed the principal to also put her in painting. And Olivia decides to take painting because she appreciates art but never really took the time to create it. WHAT? This is blowing my mind! Isn’t Olivia’s whole identity based on her being artsy fartsy and folksy? Really? I’m not going to let this bother me, because barely through Chapter One and Olivia is whining to Liz that she really wishes she had a boyfriend and how her life would be better if she had someone.

Liz takes this opportunity to pity Olivia while simultaneously being smug about how awesome it is that she has a boyfriend like Jeffrey. Liz iof course is preoccupied with Olivia’s need for a boyfriend, and talks about it with whomever would listen. Because she’s such a good friend and cares about her well-being. Excuse me, I meant HAS TO PITY THOSE THAT ARE NOT HER.

Enter Stuart Bachman, the art teacher for the workshop. He’s a local artist. Hold up here- is Sweet Valley REALLY where he wants to live? If he’s such an up and coming artist, why doesn’t he move to LA? He probably is hypnotized by the perfect beaches and the existence of one mall and the five restaurants, and two nightclubs in Sweet Valley. Olivia goes bananas over Stuart. Batshit insane. Really. She drools when she looks at him, always offers to clean up and set up, and constantly asks him to critique her work. She also manages to snag his address from the alumni origination from where he went to school (well done for a pre-google world) and stops by his house. Yikes! He is really patient with her and even lets her hang around in his house for a bit. He asks her to come to his gallery opening on Friday and says he has a big surprise for her. It’s also Olivia’s birthday on Friday, so she is stoked, and thinks his surprise is either (a) his dick (b) a date to the Box Tree Cafe (c) his declaration of his love for her and (d) all of the above.

Elizabeth is…wait for it….concerned about Olivia. She thinks Olivia is acting way crazy, and that she should know that Stuart is out of her league…woops, she means too old for Olivia. At first Enid doesn’t believe Liz and thinks she’s overreacting. Then Liz pulls Enid into her plan to spy on them, and Enid sees what a douche Olivia is being, and swears she’ll never doubt Liz again. And then goes home and shoves bamboo strips under her fingernails.

Stuart Bachman

Olivia goes to the gallery opening all a-flutter. She even bought a new purple silk jumpsuit for the occasion (Cameltoe city). She sees Stuart with his fiance, and freaks out and runs out of the room. There she sees that Stuart included one of her paintings in the gallery, which was his surprise. Luckily Olivia bucks up, and realizes what a shithead she’s been. In a split second, she gets over her lust for Stuart and thanks him for including her. He tells her she has “promise” as an artist. Except until she gets crushed by a fridge. Oops, did I spoil that for you? Too bad.

Let’s go back to this workshop thing for a quick sec, mmkay? Jessica gets STUCK in an electronics workshop. Mind you, she put that as her second choice, because she assumed it would be mostly boys. Well, it is, but it’s nerds like Winston (natch) and computer geek Randy Mason. Oh the horror! Jessica is trying hard not to cry. Poor Jessica. This may actually be worse than the time she was almost killed several times and all her boyfriends were murdered. However, the thing that is most horrid about this whole thing is that it is an ELECTRONICS workshop. What does that even MEAN? Each student has to work on their own project. Jeffrey is designing a computer game, Winston is building a singing toaster, and Randy is making a spaceship or something. How are those even related? Are these students just supposed to know how to do this? With no prior experience? Or even a concept of how circuits work” Christ, this irks me. One of my per peeves (are you keeping count?) is when in movies are shows, technology, computers and electronics are oversimplified. The first Mission Impossible movie is the worst offender. The Ving Rhames character is at a computer to help Tom Cruise, break into the supercomputer, and he types in “overide security system” and presses “ENTER”. THE FUCK? Did he design that program? How did he format it to make sure it worked? That drives me crazy!

Little known fact: the character of Don Draper is based on George Fowler.

Jessica has no idea what to make because electronics are for nerds and she’s just a GIRL. Meanwhile, Lila is flapping at the mouth about how her father is currently dating a famous movie star. Jessica doesn’t believe her and thinks Lila is doing it for attention. Wow, George Fowler gets around. I’ll bet he met her at a party celebrating a new microchip he just invented. So, with about three days left of the workshop, Jess decides to build a lie detector. Because it’s just that easy! Well, our Jess has a plan. She’ll flirt with Randy Mason and convince him to do it for her. Did I just eat a brain tumor for breakfast, or was this a plot line from another book? Where she convinces Randy to do her schoolwork for her? Oh, Randy.

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25 thoughts on “Loser Hippies need love too

  1. Jen S. says:

    Olivia, your hair is waaaay too curly (i.e., ethnic) to woo a painter like Stuart! You need Liz’s hair–quick, scalp her now! Than paint a mural with her blood! Oh, sorry, I was projecting again.

  2. Rio says:

    No wonder Olivia doesn’t have a boyfriend: nobody likes a lazy eye, or hair made out of black dust bunnies.

    Don’t most YA lit girls give up on developing mad crushes on teachers after middle school? That’s about when the Fabulous Five lost theirs.

    Helping Jess with her schoolwork never helped Randy get into Jess’s perfect size-six pants, but saving her life multiple times in SVU did. For about one book.

  3. MT says:

    HAhahaa, yeah, I just read the other one with the “Jessica makes Randy do her work” subplot. It was #14 where Liz is too much of a wimp to tell Nicholas Morrow she doesn’t really like him. (one of the crappiest ones if you ask me)

  4. RollingStone says:

    So she sees him with his fiance and her reaction is to GET OVER HIM? Wouldn’t a real person feel just a little, I don’t know, jealous? The characters in these books get jealous all the time over stupid things like someone else’s designer clothes and their boyfriend’s one platonic female friend (I’m looking at you, Liz) but in a situation where it would actually make sense, the person just spontaneously recovers. That’s about as believable as a high school student building a lie detector in three days.

  5. Katie says:

    I quite like this book…although, the ending is a little cliche.

    “Well, our Jess has a plan. She’ll flirt with Randy Mason and convince him to do it for her. ”

    3 words: I hate Jess.

  6. Donna says:

    Is it just me or does Olivia look like a member of the Cosby family?

    There isn’t much I wouldn’t give to have just one evening with Don Draper…but now you’ve thrown George Fowler into the mix, tbe temptation to be stepmother to Lila Fowler has certainly upped the ante.

  7. ihatewheat says:

    I wanna say it’s actually Olivia’s outfit. That she purchased at Chico’s. Look how the inside of the shirt is a different shade of iridescent purple! And that sly grin on her face- I’ll bet she is doing a nude portrait of Stuart.

  8. Magpie says:

    On the cover of Olivia’s Story, she looks completely different from this and much prettier. Why is she smirking to herself whilst painting? It looks a little strange.

    Also, the fact that Jessica (or more accurately, Randy) can build a lie detector in 2 weeks cracks me up. When I took electronics, we spent about 10 weeks making an egg timer with the simplest circuit you could possibly design. And Lila took dressmaking? Is this the same Lila who described manual labour as déclassé?

    • anastasia says:

      I prefer the look of Olivia on Olivia’s Story, or Elizabeth Betrayed… she looks way better! She looks totally foul on this cover!

  9. Bart_Templeton says:

    You made this sound way too appealing. It seems the more obscure ones (that I very wierdly never knew about) had more cheese-factor to savor.

    I’m finding this and ordering it.

    By the way, Olivia was often described as a redhead, was she not? Try to keep up with your past covers, Jimmy.

  10. Vanessa Saxton says:

    I love how everyone is commenting on her awful hair. She seriously needs a deep conditioner or a hot oil treatment to echo everyone else. What was Jimmy thinking? This has gotta be one of the most craptastic covers ever. The plot seems pretty awful, too. Somehow I dodged this one, thank goodness. But I do remember the title and for some reason thought someone had a crush on Mr. Collins.

  11. Miss Moppet says:

    I can’t really see Lila swanning into the party-of-the-week, getting compliments on her outfit and proudly explaining…she made it herself.

    More likely she delegated a member of staff to take the workshop for her.

  12. Neek1981 says:

    Her hair doesn’t bother me so much. It gives me a break from the twins’ blonde hair (though it normally looks white on the covers). I kinda like it when people’s appearance walks the line between good-looking and fucked up. You know, like when someone is pretty, but it’s a little bit off?
    Anyway, she does kinda look like the oldest daughter from the Cosby show.

  13. Laura @ Hungry and Frozen says:

    For a second I thought you’d written that Olivia thought her surprise was going to be Stuart’s dick in a box. But anyway. Makes me chuckle how Jess can recover instantly from being repeatedly in near death situations but mopes incessantly over being in an Electronics workshop. Also, I’m surprised Stuart didn’t showcase one of Elizabeth’s artworks which would surely have been gallery-worthy…

  14. Katie says:

    ‘On the cover of Olivia’s Story, she looks completely different from this and much prettier.’

    – Really? lol I thought she looked weird in both. Average in looks at best…but yeah, she does look different.

    Who do you reckon look the prettiest in covers? Annie? Robin? Sandra? Suzanne? liz? Jess?

  15. Suddenly, Sassy! says:

    Is the art teacher, *Stuart Bachman*, isn’t he? That gay art teacher on “Strangler’s With Candy”, who is in a hotly bothered relation’s ship, with Mr. Stephen Colbear? Then IF, so that *MIGHT COULD* go aways, to explanating, to how Ovilia managed to go all “Oh AHA! He’s GAY and thet’s his Feahnce, which also happens to be a *Him*, to. Whatevs. Then, mistiriously, olivia Gets crushed to death when some people in charge of the refreshments brings in a large regrigerater, as this is Swet Valley High, and its A huge social event so theres quit naturally a very overwhelmingly large turnout of pretty much the whole town and some peoples from other schools, to. So they needed that refregdirator because the town stores ran our of ice, but the peoples moving it didnt think to look twice and Oilvia slipepd on a banana peal right when they dodged a stray paintball misfire causing these whole terible mishap to occur. What could have been such a briliant career struck down. SoOo sad. Well at lest we can only pray and, hope thet she is in the company of such great artistes of our hysteria, as Bob rOss, etC. And fine poets like Helen steiner rIce. In jesus name. Amen. Shit i miss tammy faye.

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