The Long Lost Brother, as performed by the cast of True Blood

Photobucket

Cast:

Sara Eastbourne….Tara Thornton

Tim Eastbourne….Jason Stackhouse

Liz Wakefield…Sookie Stackhouse

Enid Rollins…Jessica Hamby

Amanda Hayes…Arlene

Todd Wilkins…Bill Compton

Jerry “Crunch” McAllistar…Sam Merlotte

Photobucket Hey Amanda, I am so glad my life has become so perfect after moving to Sweet Valley! I have you as a bff, and a popular boyfriend! We don’t have anything in common, and I have zero personality, but he’s popular, so who cares.

Photobucket I know! So what’s this about your twin brother moving to Sweet Valley!

Photobucket OMG! How did you find out???I’m so ashamed of him. He used to…DRINK ALCOHOL! AND STEAL CARS! When everyone finds out, it will be the TALK OF THE SCHOOL! MY LIFE IS RUINED!

—-

Photobucket Hey Sara, how’s it going?

Photobucket How dare you talk to me Tim! Since you’ve been in jail, been an alcoholic and in reform school, you can’t imagine how hard I have it. Please pretend that you are normal so that you will not ruin my reputation at Sweet Valley. I’m five steps away from being spoken to by a Wakefield, don’t you ruin it for me.

Photobucket ok fine. I’ll do it if that will make you accept me into your perfect little world.

———-

Photobucket Hi, I’m Tim, and I’m an alcoholic. What’s a pretty girl like you doing at an AA meeting?

PhotobucketI am actually just sitting in on all the self-help meetings here to get a sense of what it is like not to be perfect.

Photobucket Well, I hope all the girls in Sweet Valley are as pretty as you.

Photobucket Haha, you are such a tease. But actually, the answer is no.

—-

Later, at school

Photobucket Tim, it’s you! Nevermind that AA is supposed to be confidential! Welcome to Sweet Valley! I didn’t knoe you were a student here! Let me tell you how perfect and wonderful it is. I’m Liz.

Photobucket I love it already if all the girls look like you!

Photobucket Hey, lay off my woman, Tim. Wanna shoot hoopies later?

Photobucket Sure! I’m just a regular, nice high school guy who has never committed any crime!

Photobucket Wow, what a swell guy!

Photobucket I know! Now if only he had a deep, dark problem I could help him solve…oh wait, I’m late to meet Enid!

Photobucket Hey Liz, I am so glad we are volunteering for the battered women’s shelter. Not only will it make a good article for the newspaper, but you can brag that you did it.

Photobucket that’s not why I’m doing it, Enid.

Photobucket Oh, so why again are we doing this?

Photobucket So I can spend my time doing something good. And to remind all the readers that I come from a perfect home that would never consist of domestic violence. And also, as a convenient plot device.

Photobucket Oh, right. Can I touch your hair?

Photobucket Check out my sweeeet new van. It’s purple and has a lion on it.

Photobucket Wow that IS sweet. Can I take a look?

PhotobucketSure thing man.

5 minutes later

PhotobucketHey, someone stole my van!

PhotobucketIt’s TIM! Of course, I’ll never forgive him! Once a car thief, always a car thief!

Photobucket I can’t believe it! He seemed like such a nice guy! He shot hoops with me for the love of Pete!

Photobucket[tripping over cafeteria tables] Susan you look like you need help!

Photobucket Oh god, it’s awful. Tim is ruining my life! Everyone will hate me because Tim is such a loser! Everyone will be talking about it! Remember when Enid had a pen pal? That was all the school could talk about!

Photobucket I know what you need. I’m going over to the community center where the support groups are held so I can go touch people’s shoulders. You should come along!

Photobucket Wow, after one meeting, I’ve seen the error of my ways. I should support you Tim! I’ve been horrible! Good thing I caught you last minute before you were going to fly back to Connecticut!

Photobucket Hey, great. Despite your extreme selfishness and brattiness, I’ll accept your forgiveness and come live with you!

Photobucket Ah, another life saved. I am damn good.

Photobucket Too bad we’ll never hear about these two in any future books.

——

Some notes:

Sara Eastbourne is the biggest brat ever. She is super moody and makes Tim’s problems all about her. God knows why anyone likes her.

Why is everyone from Connecticut? Does it seem like such a foreign land compared to Sweet Valley? Probably.

Jessica is still committed to doing appearasnces as Miss Teen Sweet Valley, including doing promotions for auto dealers and shops at the mall. She complains incessantly until Liz fills in for her- AGAIN! Liz seems to secretly enjoy it.

When Liz learns that many battered women don’t leave their abusers, she gets really mad and upset. Shut up Liz. Liz also thinks she is all saintly because she goes to the shelter and throws a whiffle ball around with the kids. After she comes home and sighs loudly, Alice tells her: “You may not believe it, but your helping in your own way by writing responsible articles. As long as society ignores such problems, very little progress will be made. The more people are forced to think about domestic violence, to face the fact that it is really happening, the sooner we’ll find lasting solutions.” THAT’S RIGHT.  LIZ IS SAVING THE WORLD BY WRITING FOR A CRAPPY HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.

Did I mention: shut up, Susan. Shut up, Liz.

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27 thoughts on “The Long Lost Brother, as performed by the cast of True Blood

  1. Malika says:

    Liz looks like she’s overdosed on saltines. Also Alcoholic Filth merits only a distant pat on shoulder. I didn’t know there was different gradations in shoulder patting, you learn something new every day.

    Can’t wait for True Blood to air in Holland! Enid/Jessica isn’t quite so apt though. I’d much rather get bitten than bored to death by Ms No-Personality..

  2. Donna says:

    I have to say, I’ve never before commented on this site, but I had to today because I have never laughed longer and harder than I did at this post, especially at the perfect symmetry of Bill and Todd’s asshattery. True Blood and Sweet Valley High – my two greatest loves merged. Thank you!

  3. Magpie says:

    For some reason, I really liked this one when I was younger, but looking back now I can’t for the life of me remember why. Is it just me, or does almost every charity event in Sweet Valley seem to be in aid of battered women? Especially in the SVU series, when it seems to be mentioned in every book. I know it’s a worthy cause, but so are plenty of other charities!

    And is that Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse?? I haven’t seen him in anything since he left the Australian show Home & Away like 10 years ago! I’m probably the only one who visits this blog who actually watches that, but I used to love his character.

      • Magpie says:

        Thanks 🙂 He has definitely become hotter with time! Having never seen True Blood, I’m not going to ask why he’s tied to the bed…

  4. girltalkread says:

    that blonde guy in the bed is hot as hell- I gotta start watching True Blood!! 😉 Well I should be getting it in the mail tomorrow- I love Netflix more than Sweet Valley High- no joke!

    I am from CT and yes we are J Crew wearing, liberal Starbucks sipping boat lovers, but I’d rather live in CT than Sweet Valley ANY day! ( maybe b/c I am not a size six or a blonde, so I wouldn’t fit in!)

    • maybeimamazed02 says:

      There are SO many fine-ass men on True Blood–and they have hawt southern accents. Get season 1 IMMEDIATELY.

      If Crunch McCallister looked like Sam Merlotte, I would get in his purple lion van any day of the week.

      Sookie/Bill=Liz/Todd. THIS.

      ihatewheat, iheartyou.

  5. bookslide says:

    Oh yeah, Sookie & Bill as Liz & Todd is pretty darn accurate. No wonder I never really warmed up to Sookie. I cannot wait until I feel up to driving to my bff’s house to get caught up. ARGHHH.

  6. maybeimamazed02 says:

    You know, the town where I went to law school had a battered women’s shelter. All volunteers had to undergo an intensive 60-hour training program before starting. Besides the fact that it’s a serious and sensitive matter, I think they were trying to wean out self-righteous shoulder-patters like Liz.

  7. Enid Rollins says:

    Re: The cover:

    Liz: Wow. What’s this stuff called? Den-im?

    Tim [thinking]: Is that the first bus out of Sweet Valley?! Help!

    Didn’t we see this plotline with Molly Hecht? And about ten other books?

  8. megan says:

    Jason is hot! I mean uh. Tim. yea. haha.

    Sookie would be perfect as Liz. They totally need to shoot a SV movie and have her play the twins!

  9. Vanessa Saxton says:

    I only read this book for a first time a few months ago. I read it during study hall while substitute teaching. It was utterly craptastic. No wonder I skipped over it as a kid. However somehow the merge of SV and True Blood made this book amazing. You’ve done it again, IHW!

  10. ihatewheat says:

    Correctumundo, this storyline has been done- many times. The whole relative-coming-to-Sweet Valley and trying to fit in.

    Sally Larson, Johanna Porter, Cousin Kelly, Stepsister Kelly.

    re: women’s shelters. Liz and Enid go for a day and organize some sort of relay race for the kids in the shelter, and Liz muses to herself, “wow, for one day, these kids forgot ther problems and had the time of their lives. Because of me.” Ugh.

    re: True Blood. The show is amazing. Everyone, go out and start watching Season 1 on dvd. Now. However, in Season 2, Bill and Sookie become Liz and Todd. It becomes all about them fighting and making up. Plus, Sookie is very much a Liz Wakefield in that everyone is always in love with her and she tries to solve everyone’s prblems. Otherwise, Tara Thornton is awesome. And Sam Merlotte is a babe.

  11. gnatalby says:

    Maybe all the transplants are coming over from the Babysitters’ Club. 😉

    Sookie is such a Liz Wakefield. When she told Bill he had to get over his self loathing and hang out with other vampires I vommed in my mouth a bit. The show is awesome though.

  12. RollingStone says:

    On the cover it looks like an assault is about to take place. Tim’s scared shitless and Liz is about to do that thing where you squeeze someone’s shoulder and they fall unconscious. Whatever it’s called.

    • joclaire says:

      I just had to reply to this – I have only just discovered your blog today, but will be adding it to my list of hilarious sites to cheer me up.

      This post was the single funniest thing I have ever read on the internet. Sookie as Liz ia awesome. I cracked up every time Sookie’s face appeared in the post 😀

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