Don’t get our hopes up!

Don’t we wish that Liz left the country for a while and we didn’t have to deal with her barrettes and piousness? Regina Morrow apparently handed Liz one brochure about some school called Interlochen and Liz had dreams of wiring her amazing short stories overlooking the alps. Liz found out about this place too late after the deadline but fuck me gently with a chainsaw! There’s still a scholarship that she is eligible to apply for! The possibility of Sweet Valley without Liz is too much for her friends and family to imagine. It would kind of be like Jessica without a halter top. Or Robin Wilson without a cheesecake. Or Todd without cheating. You get the picture. She’s INTEGRAL! So everyone reacts to this in the most illogical, irrational, immature way ever. Did we expect anything less?

Q: Liz notices that Jeffrey seems kind of bummed and quiet when she talks about going away. Why do you think this is, Liz?
A: Well, he probably doesn’t realize how important this is to me! So I think the solution is to talk about how much fun I am going to have there nonstop! That will make him realize how much I want to go, and then of course he will support me!

Q: Well, Liz, Enid seems kind of bummed too. Do you think it is for the same reason?
A: Of course not, she doesn’t want to see me be happy! She’s just SO SELFISH! I am just going to not talk to her anymore. Screw any feelings she may be having about the matter! She’s supposed to be my best friend and worship me unconditionally!

Q: Jeffrey and Enid, what are you going to do to make sure Liz stays?
A: Well, instead of talking to her about how we feel, we are going to make her a super-secret but super-special scrapbook filled with pictures of her with us. And we’ll sneak around suspiciously together to get it complete. And in no way would it give her the idea that we are seeing each other.

Q: Jessica and Steven, how will you handle this.
A: Well, in the most mature and reasonably way possible- by sabotaging her interview! Jessica will wear a slutty outfit, and Steven will act like an imbecile. In other words, like ourselves.

Q: Liz, how do you feel about the way everyone is acting?
A: Well, in the last minute, I decided that I don’t want to go anyway. I thought Switzerland was magical. but what could be more magical than Sweet Valley and all of my friends?  The people are too snotty and judgmental. However, I’ll just forgive everyone for the way they are acting! What? of course I won’t hold Jessica accountable for her hideous actions! I’ll just hig her and tell her that I’m so glad she’s my sister, thus enabling her selfish behavior! Yay for friends! let’s all get triple scoop Sundaes at Casey’s!


You seem to be asking an awful lot of [Jeffrey]. You suddenly announce that what you want more than anything in the entire world is to move to Switzerland for an entire year and study creative writing. The way you put it, Jeffrey would be a real chauvinist if he didn’t back you on the whole project. You keep emphasizing how important it will be for your development, your writing, your future. Have you even asked Jeffrey how he feels about the whole thing? It seems you’ve done an awful lot of assuming for him. You’ve assumed he’s behind your plan. You’ve assumed that he is going to wait around for you. And now you’re assuming that he’s interested in your best friend! Don’t you think it’s time you two actually sat down and talked?

Then, in a plotline best suited for an ABC Family original movie, Winston has some shenanigans with a lottery ticket. Somehow he accidentally switches his coat with a poor old man’s, and the lottery ticket in the pocket is the winning ticket! Winston is so con sumed with guilt that he returns the coat and the money to the old man, and now his little granddaughter can go to riding camp. Wait, there’s a poor man in Sweet Valley? He must live next to the Martins.

24 thoughts on “Don’t get our hopes up!

  1. amanda says:

    ‘fuck me gently with a chainsaw’


    Like what’s your damage Heather?
    You know best buy got the Geek squad name from that.

  2. Mrs Dallas says:

    Oh Liz, you’re such a pillowcase.

    You quote Heathers and all of a sudden this perfect blog is even better.

    I want to kick Liz in her perfect undentisted teeth.

  3. girltalkread says:

    ” Lick it up baby, LICK IT UP!!”
    In high school, I used to hang out with three girls named Jennifer- it’s sorta Heathers esque 😉

  4. gnatalby says:

    I have a soft spot for ABC Family Original Movies, but that would be too much for me.

    Although I heartily approve of Alice doing some parenting, if she needs to have a selfishness intervention, I do think Jessica is the place to start.

    Unless she’s just warming up. (Unlikely.)

  5. Jen S. says:

    Wait, Winston put on a POOR PERSON’S COAT??? How could he not see the Poverty Cooties vibrating along every seam and button, spewing out rage and pain and bailouts? He is now infested with Poor! Spurn stupid Winston! SPURN HIM! DRIVE HIM FROM OUR FAIR VILLAGE IN A HAIL OF SELF-RIGHTEOUS STONES!!!! Jessica will lead the way, wearing a pleather thong and bikini top Bedazzled within an inch of its life, while Liz stands aside, her barrettes radiating smug superiority, writing an article about the whole Shocked and Awed debacle for the Oracle, which will immediately land her the editor-in-chief job at a leading Swiss newspaper. Jeffery and Enid will follow her there to lick her boots and sleep in the barn, holding each other’s pinkies for comfort in the damp Swissian nights.

  6. Squab-O says:

    In a way I wish Liz did go to the Swiss Miss country. We could actually be reading exciting SVH books about Liz and Regina becoming cokewhore bunnies.

  7. Rio says:

    All Liz needed was an asshole for a boyfriend and then Jess would have been pushing her to go. That’s what happened in SVU, when she was accepted to the University of London for, yep, a creative writing program.

    “She’s supposed to be my best friend and worship me unconditionally!”

    Well, to be fair, she’s probably accustomed to that from Enid.

    “Don’t you think it’s time you two actually sat down and talked?”

    YES. Someone ought to walk around Sweet Valley with that line printed on a T-shirt.

  8. Bart_Templeton says:

    ” Jeffery and Enid will follow her there to lick her boots and sleep in the barn, holding each other’s pinkies for comfort in the damp Swissian nights”


    Yet, I can’t get enough of that sentence.


  9. noonelikeslois says:

    Classic. I havent read this one and fuck ME gently i nearly fell over at the idea of nalice doing some actual PARENTING. i remember when i was kid reading these books i thought my parents were SO STRICT compared with the wakefields…..
    yes. young and misguided was me.

  10. noonelikeslois says:

    on another note, i just looked at the cover photo again and noticed liz’s irritating “woe is me” expression. fuck i wish liz would get a real problem. oh wait, all those earthquakes and would-be imposters and vampires that are in sv are mighty annoying.
    also, jess looks like she’s plotting to seduce her. wtf????
    is it just me?

  11. Anonymous says:

    When I was little, I didn’t get that Liz is looking at her Switzerland poster – I thought that she and Jessica were having some heavy Power Play-esque eye contact. It was a little creepy.

  12. V says:

    When I was little, I didn’t get that Liz is looking at her Switzerland poster – I thought that she and Jessica were having some heavy Power Play-esque eye contact. It was a little creepy.

  13. Gina says:

    There is a recent entry on the ‘Fug Yourself’ website giving Padma Lakshmi’s jumpsuit SVH narration. The combination of that and a new Elizabeth entry here has made my whole week happy.

  14. Squab-O says:

    I forgot about the SVU books and that Liz continues in those to become this awesome, creative writer. You’d think that if someone was actually good at writing and into it as much as Liz is, they would have already accomplished something by having a few things published by the time they were in college. She should just give up and do what she does do best. A thinks-she-knows-it-all nag.

  15. Magpie says:

    I think Switzerland had a lucky escape from Liz landing on their doorstep. Also, I remember reading this and feeling really bad for the poor people who were interviewing Liz; they had set up a scholarship in memory of their dead daughter, and Jessica and Steven were totally taking the piss.

    And wait, the “poor” old man uses his lottery win to pay for his granddaughter to go to riding camp?! Not on, like, food or bills? Sweet Valleyites have a different definition of “poor” from mine.

  16. maybeimamazed02 says:

    The funny thing is, there actually IS an arts high school called Interlochen…in Michigan. Guess that wasn’t sufficiently fancy-schmancy. Or far away.

    What always struck me about all of the Sweet Valley books is this: Liz seems to vacillate between straight-up journalism and creative writing. I’m not saying that one can’t do both, it just always seemed weird and inconsistent to me.

  17. Regina Sorrow says:

    Well do bear in mind that Liz is only supposed to be 16, she’s got her whole life ahead of her to choose between creative writing and journalism. Considering that her junior year alone lasts about a decade we’re talking one long-ass life.

    Nalice’s parenting was so laissez-faire that they were left out of the TV adaptation entirely. I guess that sensible little passage you quoted is just another case of the ghostwriters having a bare-at-best grip of what’s happened in the series so far.

    “How could he not see the POVERTY COOTIES vibrating along every seam and button…”

    I read this as Poverty Cookies! Mmm, tastes like Molly Hecht.

  18. maybeimamazed02 says:

    Liz could definitely decide which she preferred during her decades-long junior year. (Although in SVU it was kind of the same thing–she’d be a journalist, THEN all into creative writing.)

    I think what bothered me is that often the ghosties saw her as a “writer” and that’s it. For writers themeselves, they didn’t seem to really grasp the difference between journalism and creative writing.

    Overanalyzing SV when I should be working: welcome to my world.

  19. Robyn J. says:

    your recaps are hilarious. did you ever read the ‘cheerleaders’ series? christopher pike wrote number 2, ‘getting even’. for some reason i always wanted to know who those models were that posed on the covers of ‘cheerleaders’ and pretended they were mary ellen, press, angie, nancy, olivia, and walt, and what became of them. weird, i know.

  20. Roger Patman says:

    Liz and her bitching when Ned shows up late, “they’ll think we come from a broken family!”’s like nails on a chalkboard. Once again, the innuendo that 1 parent families are worse than the plague…

  21. bookharlot says:

    I read “Interlochen” and immediately remembered that Marya Hornbacher talks about going there in her memoir “Wasted.” Now that is a book that is the polar opposite of Sweet Valley and totally kicks Sweet Valley’s ass.

  22. Anne says:

    Okay, so I don’t remember the A plot at ALL, but for some reason, I remember the storyline with Winston and the coat. Random…

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