Knowing that I like crappy teen fiction, my bff Erin got me a whole bunch of MK and A and Full House: Michelle books from a thrift store. I mean, really? Erin, I have standards. Jeez.
So somewhere in between when they uttered “you got it dude” on Full House and when they became anorexic coke addicts in Manhattan, they were massive money makers with books and furniture and dolls. Seriously, I don’t see the appeal. Furthermore, these books were written by mental patients in Romania. And you thought Sweet Valley plots were bad. I can’t even find the words to summarize it, so I’ll just show you the scanned pages.
The FUCK? That is the most contrived plot device ever. How fucking convenient! THEY are in a band with those exact same requirements. And what town has a child band play at a benefit concert! And Mary Kate and Ashley run a detective agency for their town. And they have actual clients? And they call the newscasters a “man newscaster” and a “woman newscaster”?
And while we are on the subject of then Olsen twins, how did they make so much money? What the hell is the appeal to tweens? Furthermore, they had their own production company, and they write all their own movies. How did anyone let that happen? Ok, here’s my sick confession: I’ve actually seen some of their movies. WHAT! I have a sick fascination with utter crap. I can’t help it. The plot is always the same:m the twins give themselves some “sophisticated” names like Riley, Chloe, Madison, Charli. And then devise plots where they are charmed by cute men. And overcome some sort of problem. And visit some exotic location. And have a montage. And are discovered as upcoming fashion designers or some shit like that. If you are some sort of masochist, you should check out When In Rome. What? I’ve conveniently included the first two parts. Watch at your own risk.
Ugh. The really bad jokes. The line up of introducing themselves. Mistaking the boss for a waiter. Serioulsy, my preteen book about models on a cruise was better than this script. Hey I had FORESHADOWING! And SYMBOLISM!
And don’t get me started on Holiday in the Sun. They solve an international jewel thief mystery, find boyfriends and find time to splash around at the water park. Check out a pre-Transformers Megan Fox at the 5:55 mark in the ROLE OF A LIFETIME.
I hate myself.