Mary Kate and Ashley soar to new heights of horrificness

Knowing that I like crappy teen fiction, my bff Erin got me a whole bunch of MK and A and Full House: Michelle books from a thrift store. I mean, really? Erin, I have standards. Jeez.

So somewhere in between when they uttered “you got it dude” on Full House and when they became anorexic coke addicts in Manhattan, they were massive money makers with books and furniture and dolls. Seriously, I don’t see the appeal. Furthermore, these books were written by mental patients in Romania. And you thought Sweet Valley plots were bad. I can’t even find the words to summarize it, so I’ll just show you the scanned pages.

The FUCK? That is the most contrived plot device ever. How fucking convenient! THEY are in a band with those exact same requirements. And what town has a child band play at a benefit concert! And Mary Kate and Ashley run a detective agency for their town. And they have actual clients? And they call the newscasters a “man newscaster” and a “woman newscaster”?

And while we are on the subject of then Olsen twins, how did they make so much money? What the hell is the appeal to tweens? Furthermore, they had their own production company, and they write all their own movies. How did anyone let that happen? Ok, here’s my sick confession: I’ve actually seen some of their movies. WHAT! I have a sick fascination with utter crap. I can’t help it. The plot is always the same:m the twins give themselves some “sophisticated” names like Riley, Chloe, Madison, Charli. And then devise plots where they are charmed by cute men. And overcome some sort of problem. And visit some exotic location. And have a montage. And are discovered as upcoming fashion designers or some shit like that. If you are some sort of masochist, you should check out When In Rome. What? I’ve conveniently included the first two parts. Watch at your own risk.

Ugh. The really bad jokes. The line up of introducing themselves. Mistaking the boss for a waiter. Serioulsy, my preteen book about models on a cruise was better than this script. Hey I had FORESHADOWING! And SYMBOLISM!

And don’t get me started on Holiday in the Sun. They solve an international jewel thief mystery, find boyfriends and find time to splash around at the water park. Check out a pre-Transformers Megan Fox at the 5:55 mark in the ROLE OF A LIFETIME.

I hate myself.

40 thoughts on “Mary Kate and Ashley soar to new heights of horrificness

  1. noonelikeslois says:

    my god. i just wqtched the first one and i dont know where to begin in the vomit-inducing stakes;
    – the disgusting stereotypes
    – the listing of the usual inane things associated with rome
    – the idiotic bump-into-him-then-gaze-into-his-eyes moment for one of the clone (who the fuck can tell these chicks apart?)

    OH IT WAS AWFUL. but since i am a masochist i will watch the next one just for shits, giggles and complaints. why re these no-talent skanky twits so successful? and those pages you scanned — are you FOR REAL they actually WROTE that shit. with a straight face? HOW DO THE GHOSTIES SLEEP AT NIGHT????

    i hate these cunts. always have.

    please for the love of god save us and do another SVH post pronto. at least theres no sick desperation in the laughter.

    ps. i lost count of how many times i said ‘oh my god’ and rolled my eyes during that clip. PEOPLE PRODUCE/WRITE/DIRECT THIS CRAP? ARE THEY ALL ON CRACK???????????????????? i think id have to be if i was associated in any with making this shit.
    now im going to watch the next part and if i havent blown my brains

    out bcos of my complete and total loss of faith in the human race, i will have another bitch

  2. j says:

    You inspired me to watch The Challenge. Entertaining, though so many parts made no logical sense. The rest of their movies seem to have even less plot.

    • Anonymous says:

      I love the Challenge! I guess I’m the only one here who grew up with Mary-Kate and Ashley and thereby developed a lifelong fascination with twins which includes, of course, Sweet Valley. Now I see how terrible When In Rome was, but it’s always been their worst. They have ones with redeemable moments… and honestly, when they were younger, the stuff was better. Double Double Toil & Trouble is totally great AND it has Cloris Leachman. It’s easy to mock them. Beyond easy. But while they are billionaires, they’ve also NEVER known a normal life. Mary-Kate said she wouldn’t even with their life on her worst enemy, because they were “performing monkeys.” I could never hate them. They are victims of fame and unfortunately never got to make anything of terrible significance (although MK in The Wackness – she’s actually pretty good!) … but, yes, they are billionaires, and so no one cares if they are trapped in fame. But when they define your childhood, as they did mine, you could never hate them as much as you tried.

      • Anonymous says:

        Also, I have always been able to tell them apart, except when they were babies. But in the later episodes of Full House, even though it’s only one of them, I can always tell you which one. So for those that don’t know : the one one the left holding the drumsticks is Ashley, and the one on the right is Mary-Kate. They are fraternal, and their face shapes are different. Now it’s easier to tell because ever since her anorexia MK’s face looks more sunken than Ashley’s. Ashley’s face is rounder as well. Also, they both smoke now, which doesn’t help. I too used to think they were the most beautiful people ever. And up until they were about 19, they were. I think that magazines can still make them look decent, but they aren’t nearly as gorgeous as they used to be in spreads. Also, for all those who hate the twins, and particularly MK (if you can tell them apart), MK plays a witch in Beastly … I haven’t seen it yet, but I really want to. But I guess that pretty much fits in with how most people would describe her.

  3. noonelikeslois says:

    tried to watch second one. vomited in mouth. please dont do this to us again, ihw. it was PAINFUL.
    Again, how did these no-talent bimbos end up so successful? it makes me want to set myself on fire.

  4. Magpie says:

    The bit that made me laugh was the line, “Nobody knows why — but Johnny Sparkle’s will says…”. That is like a big neon sign saying, “we admit that our plot is totally craptastic and makes no sense.”

    I didn’t think it was possible for the standard of kids’ books to sink much lower than Sweet Valley, but apparently we got off relatively lightly.

  5. Kristin says:

    I have seen a couple … my couisins loved them. I watched them and thought, yes, if I were 13 and given free reign to write a movie … this is what I’d have written. I meet a cute boy, make out with him, go to Paris or something, and design clothes. Ridiculous, yes. The stuff tween and young teen girl’s fantasies are made of? Absolutely.

    The books are ridiculous but I think they were for little little kids … who may not notice how horrible they are.

  6. jane says:

    ahem. i used to actually watch their little videos where they solved crimes. they solve any crime by dinner time. and i loved it.
    i have no excuse. i hated them on full house, i hated their little singing careers. it wasn’t like i had children at the time that i could blame the obsession on. no, i was a sixteen year old who was into pearl jam and these videos. it was like crack.

  7. Rio says:

    We all know that everything Mary-Kate and Ashley touch turns to crap (duh, Full House), but these books are as contrived as they are to satisfy the minds of tween girls, who have no notion of critical reading. So I can forgive this.

    But I can’t forgive “Blond twin girls rule!” It’s OK if you’re saying that ironically, but it looks like they were serious about it. Now that’s propaganda.

  8. Squeakybell says:

    *is a long-time lurker*

    I am ashamed to say that I owned about three of these books, but I didn’t remember them being this bad. I was eight at the most when I read them, but I’d like to think that even then I had SOME taste.

    I had the barbie dolls, too, but I think they were a gift. I rarely played with them… thought they were mucho ugly and creepy. I saw maybe one or two of the movies, but I don’t think I was too impressed. Remembering those Full House reruns… gawd, they were annoying! Did they do anything notable after they became “adults”?

  9. nikki says:

    I have no words…..

    Oh wait, yes I do. Crap crap crap. Utter fucking crap. And I didn’t even watch the videos, just read the scanned pages.

    If MK and A had turned in to decent actresses or semi-decent human beings, I would forgive them this. But I just can’t.

  10. Jen S. says:

    How dare you insult Romanian mental patients this way? They write books full of pain and dispair and the agony of being chained to stone walls twenty three hours a day–oh, wait, that’s what it’s like to read this not fit for toilet paper bilge, so I can see where the idea came from.

    I mean seriously, a mysteriously dead singer who left a will saying FOUR TEN-YEAR-OLDS in a band with two of them being twin blond girls is the prerequirement for turning his mansion over to the town for a MUSIC CENTER???? Am I the only one who suspects the death was faked and Johnny Sparkle is living the life on a remote island where live horrific images of underage singers dancing in innappropriate outfits are beamed to him 24-7?

  11. Sadako says:

    That is…yeah. Words can’t describe it. I’m so glad I bypassed the whole “LOVE MARY KATE AND ASHLEY” as a child. Well other than watching Full House. HATED Michelle, though. Little brat.

  12. perfectsize12 says:

    Johnny Sparkle? JOHNNY SPARKLE? Really?

    I’m laughing so hard my stomach hurts! I so want to read the MK & A books now.

    And speaking of crappy movies, you have to watch New York Minute. Oh, wait. No you don’t. It’s exactly the same as every other MK & A movie!

  13. Katie says:

    Well, I was a HUGE fan of MKA as a kid, but reading this made me feel ashamed of it…hahaha. This is hilarious. I’ve actually seen all their movies, watched every eps of ‘two of a kind’, own all of ‘so little time’ series, i have all the books, some of their cosmetics, jewelleries, 20 posters, 1 doll, camera set, hangbag, their biographies, CD soundtracks (they are mediocre at singing), video games, purfumes…etc.

    I know.
    I was majorly obsessed.

    Although, I would have to agree…holiday in the sun was massively corny. The way they speak (looking pretty and sophisticated in every damn scene), cute guys, going to exotic places…I cringed the whole entire time. Bad plot with scenes that does not even flow properly. Passport to Paris would probably be one of their best. I thought Winning London sucked and possibly Getting There were terrible. When In Rome was quite ridiculous as well. I wonder if they rewatched their movies now…..

    The better books would be Two of a Kind. Less cornier, and at least slightly funny.

    Former number 1 mka fan.

  14. Bridget Locke says:

    I always thought they looked like troll dolls, especially when they were babies. Uglier babies were never bred. *ahem*

    As for that crap above…I am SO glad I’m old enough to have missed the MK & A nonsense that went on for all those years. They can’t act and they make me want to throw up. Bitter because they’re gazillionaires? You could say that. 😛

  15. imnotscared says:

    I know Sweet Valley is trashy and everything, I still enjoy reading it! It’s bloody entertaining. But Mary-Kate and Ashley books?

    As a young teen, I was interested in the twins so I borrowed their movies and read some of their books, and even then I knew how horrible they were. How could anyone read that stuff? Especially the movies. They can’t even act. Megan Fox made me want to throw up when she came out.

  16. maryanne bruno says:

    How is this the first time MA&A stuff is being snarked?!
    Maybe cause it’s just that bad…

    I loved to hate MK&A movies. I would watch them and roll my eyes. But I watched them. And yes, they did always have sophisticated names! I remember rolling my eyes at that even at age 11.
    I think I was jealous of them.

    I will admit that Two of a Kind was actually pretty funny. So Little Time was lame.

  17. marie says:

    I just found your blog through FEAR STREET.
    This is the best thing ever!
    The Olsen twins are so scary! I can’t even LOOK at the cover of the book! AHHH!

  18. The Hershey Bar says:

    I used MK&A shampoo. Smelled like bananas…
    “and the lead singer of the Sparkles band must have hair that smells like bananas”
    I’m in!

  19. Katie says:

    I guess they are famous because they were twins and were gorgeous. I admit, as a kid I wish I looked like Ashley. I always thought they were extremely pretty and cute…although not so much now. They both look quite scary. Their acting isn’t brilliant, but I would have to say, when they were in their young teens, they werent too bad. They were pretty good for their age. But after they were 13/14 yrs old…their movies turned totally crap. It was predictable and down-right cheesy. Although I quite enjoyed The Challenge. However, I guess it is because it is targetted for younger viewers. When I little I loved all their movies and thought it was great. Thinking back now…..GAH! *vomits*

    Miss Fox can play the snobby/slutty, Brianna part really well. Although, the way her character was portrayed really wanted me to kick her in the teeth.

    I knew Mary-kate was anorexic, but I think the coke addiction was a rumour.

    lol. Anyways, in a way MKA are a bit similiar to the Wakefield twins. Gorgeous, blonde and have guys falling over heels in love wth them. -_- Maybe your next review is to compare them or something. Hahaha

    Your blog is excellent as usual. 😀
    *munches on a chocolate chip cookie*

  20. megan says:

    The only MK-A books I had were the Full House ones and they were crap too! The only movies of theirs I liked were It Takes Two and Double, Double, Toil and Trouble lol

  21. sunstreakedblonde says:

    You know, I recently opened my own blog and am learning that snarking is not as easy as it looks! I think in order to write a good snark, you have to have a certain amount of affection for the source material. It’s why I delight in snarking my faves: Sweet Valley, BSC, the Gymnasts, and my new love, ABC Family’s Make It or Break It (that show is so bad it’s awesome. Just imagine SVH–the books, not the TV series–with leotards and that’s what you’ve got).

    There are just some things, however, that are so terribly bad, you can’t even snark them. I tried snarking NYC Prep and The Clique, and it didn’t happen. I don’t know why, maybe the barrage of bad numbed what few brain cells I have left so much that I couldn’t even come up with decent snark. My hat goes off to you for making it as far as you did through Twilight.

    I believe anything Olsen falls into this latter category. After reading those scans and watching those clips, I now need to pick up the BSC book I’m currently re-reading to try to revive my brain cells. I can’t believe it’s come to this. You are a braver woman than I for this snark. Or maybe just more masochistic.

  22. Laura @ Hungry and Frozen says:

    I just don’t get what the one on the left is doing with those drumsticks. And why the case of the rock star’s secret involves a basset hound who looks a bit like Poochie from the Simpsons.

    Thanks for scanning the pages, you’re right – that really couldn’t have been conveyed any other way. It makes the Dawson’s Creek novels look positively Shakespearian.

  23. Magpie says:

    ^Laura, don’t you know that is how you play the drums? You grasp drumsticks and flail your arms wildly in the air, assuming that at some point you will hit the drum 😉

    Also, you are so right- that dog on the cover looks like Poochie from The Simpsons! But where’s Roy?

  24. Vanessa Saxton says:

    I don’t understand how the MKA franchise took off. Full House was the worst show ever and those girls had no talent and weren’t even cute. I NEVER understood it. However, I once bought their shampoo/conditioner and was very surprised at how good it was. I needed a travel set for the beach and it was coconut scented or something. Walmart doesn’t care the hair product line anymore or I would have continued to buy it. I know- it’s shamefull!!!

  25. Lauren says:

    Back when I was under the impression that they are identical I always thought it was weird that Ashley seemed prettier…in fact, I still think she’s prettier, well as pretty as a small troll-like person can be. Except now that I know that they’re supposedly fraternal (even though they look exactly alike) it makes more sense.

    And can someone please talk about the NYC Prep train wreck. I saw the premiere the other day and was in shock. I mean, Im not THAT far removed from my high school days (mid-20s) but I was NOTHING like them when I was 15 and 16 years old!! Some of those girls act more mature than I do right now lol. And the guys are over the top sleazy, creepy. The whole show really disturbed me. The way the kids talk to and about their parents is ridiculous and the fact that one girls parents live in the Hamptons all week and come to the city to see her one day a week while she lives in an apartment with her older brother the rest of the time??? wtf??!! When these kids want to hang out they head to clubs, fashion industry parties or FANCY like 5 star restaurants and act they’re in their 30s. I don’t get it. I know a lot of teenagers drink cuz they think it’s “cool” and some experiment with drugs, but this show just seems to be on a whole other level. These kids terrify me lol. But I was a bit of a “good” girl growing up so maybe that’s why I’m lost lol. Or maybe super rich New York kids just live an entirely different existence. I don’t know. I think I could accept it more if they were in college or at least all 18!

  26. Mandy Hubbard says:

    omg, as if the “man newscaster” thing was not bad enough– THE WILL! Seriously, that is the worst plot device I have ever seen.

    author of Prada & Prejudice

  27. Ellen K. says:

    In the MKA movie “It Takes Two,” two nearly identical girls (MK & A are in fact fraternal, as are 75% of twins, except in Sweet Valley) meet in the woods between the rich girl’s mansion and the summer camp for foster kids. The girls switch places to hook up the unattached adults in their life (blatant rip off of “The Parent Trap”). My college roommate and I watched it and semi-enjoyed it but realized afterward that the subject of the girls’ very uncanny resemblance is never raised, let alone resolved. Talk about a gaping plot hole.

  28. gnatalby says:

    I’m suspicious of Johnny “Sparkle’s” proclivities.

    Why the interest in a band made up of ten year olds?

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