White Lies: If Book Covers Could Talk

Jennifer: Sigh.

John: Sigh.

Jennifer: Sigh….Wait, why are YOU upset? I’m the one who should be. I was going to run away with Rick Andover but SOMEBODY caught him stealing from a music store and he was put away. OBVS it was my father because he didn’t want me to see him anymore.

John: Well, it was actually me. See, I secretly love you and reported him so that you wouldn’t ruin your life with a shame on society  like Rick Andover.

Jennifer: WHAT? HOW DARE YOU-

John: Shhhhhhhhh, son’t get too mad. We shouldn’t break this pose. Let’s milk this cover as long as we can. You’ll never be heard of again after this book and the next time I appear, I’ll be a rapist.

Jennifer. True. Sigh. You lean real well.

John: Thanks, you- well, I am not sure what is so great about you. You aren’t depicted with any sort of personality. But you ARE blond.

Jennifer: Not true! I play the piano! And I make out with Rick Andover real well!

John: Speaking of, so what happens to him in this book?

Jennifer: No one cares. Because at the end you swoop in and rescue me so it’s a happy ending and tying up lose ends of the plot is irrelevant.

John: Yea, even though you thought it was your father that turned in Rick and then your father had a heart attack and you refused to see him in the hospital on his death bed.

Jennifer; Yea, I am a bit of a drama queen. See! There’s another facet of my personality!

John: Well, if it hadn’t been for Liz, I never would have cleared up everything.

Jennifer: Ugh, I was wondering how she would weasel her way into this plot.

John: Well, she kept showing up mysteriously at my locker and squeezing my scrotum until I would open up to her and tell me my problems.And then she actually showed up at the hospital and faked a card from me to you so we would make up. I think the hospital made her her an honorary surgeon for fixing the love lives of some self-absorbed teenagers.

Jennifer: And I supposed Jessica somehow got some plot in this one too?

John: Yea, something about how she is manipulating her boyfriend A.J. into doing whatever she wants him to and disregarding any of his feelings. You know, a typical weekday.

Jennifer: So what is a White Lie, anyway?

John: Well, we are very white, and lies were told. Maybe it is a play on words? I don’t know.

Jennifer: Well, don’t look at me, you are the Oracle reporter. You read gooder than I do.

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27 thoughts on “White Lies: If Book Covers Could Talk

  1. opangster says:

    i actually liked john’s character until they turned him into an almost rapist when he attacked lila. i cant wait for that review. err oh wait was it already done and i missed it? :S how was your trip?

  2. Rio says:

    Me likey the format of this entry. You should do it this way more often.

    Why does Jennifer look like a more cherubic version of one of the twins? She’s got major Liz hair.

  3. annakelly says:

    Oh my God, you’re back! Welcome! (Or should I say thank you for posting?)

    Srsly, this format had me lol-ing. And also, I know he’s Lila’s rapist and all, but day-umn John had gotta be the hottest guy in Sweet Valley. Step aside, Bruce.

  4. Enid Rollins says:

    Aww, she attracted scum, but got a boyfriend in the end, good old Jennifer. That’s the best she could’ve done. It would’ve been awful if she had stood up to Rick himself and happily lived independently…that would’ve meant she was ill. Too bad John P. goes physco l8tr.

    “I think the hospital made her her an honorary surgeon for fixing the love lives of some self-absorbed teenagers.”

    OT: Whoa…what if there was a Sweet Valley/Lurlene McDaniel crossover? 8-o No end of pathetic cases for Liz to interfere with. *drools/vomits simultaneously*

  5. ihatewheat says:

    Aw shucks thanks for the welcome back! My trip was good. I hung out with my bff Erin, and 45% of our conversations revolve around the BSC or SVH, or Disney Channel Shows. It’s our secret shame.

    I know I always cry wolf, but gawd, this one was horrible. Not even sure what the focus/point was. And Liz was the meddliest of meddlers. And even visited Jennifer’s dad in the hospital.

    I’m also currently OBSESSED with True Blood and am trying to link it with SVH. Sookie/Bill= Liz and Todd? Jason Stackhouse= Bruce Patman?

  6. Laura @ Hungry and Frozen says:

    Yay new stuff! I hate how they invent peripheral characters who are then the focus of the book. I remember it being rather jarring as I was making the transition from BSC (where it’s always one of the seven hamsters) to SVH where you are made to care about some underwritten waif and then never hear from them again.

    If you’d asked me who that was on the cover, I’d have picked Amy Sutton. LOL @ the scrotum squeezing.

  7. penny ayala says:

    This made my day, Ihatewheat. And Rio- I totally picked that girl as liz on the cover! Will have to scour ebay for this one. Ps – doesn\’t John Pfeiffer die?

  8. Donna says:

    Welcome back!

    Great recap…if I didn’t know better, the cover looks like a vulnerable Liz and Todd moment…cue tagline: Is this the end for Liz and Todd?

    If memory serves correctly, Jennifer Mitchell makes a brief cameo in Elizabeth Betrayed as a mono-stricken Oracle writer.

    I would still like to know how the hell my brain remembers stuff like this when I can’t even remember what happened last week.

  9. nikki says:

    Welcome back! I really thought that was Liz on the cover. Shame on ME!

    Yay for True Blood! I’ve only seen the first two episodes, but have the DVD’s on my Netflix queue. And I’m in the middle of Dead Until Dark. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!

  10. Roger Patman says:

    Welcome back! Your review of this book-o-crap has made my day.
    One important point, did you catch the forshadowing of the impending breakup of Jessica and AJ? Good job Ghostwriters! In fact, I think St. Lizzie says something like “gosh, I wonder how long AJ will put up with my slut of a sister?”..

    • Amy Slutton says:

      “We’re really white, and lies were told” LMAO XD

      I agree, this is the first time I really see an image of John and he is hotness!

  11. Anne says:

    This post made me realize how much I missed you while you were gone. welcome back and thanks for the much needed laughs.

  12. flyinhoneypup says:

    Welcome back! Love your SVH reviews, I LOL every time. This website is what starting me on the hunt to re-aquire the full SVH collection. Oh do I have a long way to go! Do you have the whole thing? If so can we see pics to drool over? Thanks!

  13. Lauri says:

    Seriously, John was Clark Kent right up until he took Lila to Miller’s Point and then he became an obsessed raping arsonist instead of Superman.

  14. Magpie says:

    Welcome back! I always miss your posts when you go away.

    Ugh, this book was duller than dull. Jennifer and John were two of the more boring extras, until John turned into a rapist and went all psycho in the fire trilogy. I totally agree with Laura above that it was annoying when the SVH writers tried to make us care about these random characters, only to resolve their life story in the space of a book and then discard them entirely. I love how Liz is supposed to be a close friend to all these random students, but she never talks to them outside of their one designated book.

  15. Bart_Templeton says:

    You never learn, do you, Magpie?

    Liz 101: needy semi-strangers is her porn.

    You know how some people role-play in the bedroom? The pleasure comes from the role; from pretending that your Joe Schmo husband of 15 years is a hot masked cat burglar who forces you to shine his boots. If Joe slips out of his role and familiarity ensues, the rush crashes and burns.

    Same thing here with Elizabeth and her human projects.

    As soon as these people are “cured” (by her), the buzz dies.

    The project, now a fait accompli, loses its luster.

    And it’s off to the halls of SVH to find the next French maid’s outfit or pair of handcuffs –er, troubled classmate.

    That’s why the only minor characters to recur are ones with ongoing problems. Like Pfeifer. Once he was a rapist, the editors were free to villainize him further in later books and give Liz more troubled behavior to stew about. But a “fixed” loser holds no appeal for Elizabeth’s insatiable appetite for do-gooder aphrodisiacs.

    • Magpie says:

      Actually, I was thinking of it more from the perspective of the other people. As in, why the hell would anybody give Liz so much information about their lives, when it’s obvious that she is just salivating at the thought of a good case study? Why does nobody ever tell her to butt the hell out of their business? But that was an A+ psychological profiling of Liz that you did.

  16. Mrs Dallas says:

    You’re back you’re back! I’ve had to actually WORK these past couple of weeks at my desk! It’s been awful!

  17. Katie says:

    hAHA I havent read this book yet, but your re caps are hilarious.
    I havent heard of Jennifer before, did she only appear on this cover? Damn Liz and her meddling. I totally thought that was her on the cover. The blondes look alike…in my opinion anyways.

    John looks like someone I know….

  18. gnatalby says:

    The fashions on this cover hold up decently. Jennifer looks like she has a sort of mandarin collar which is kind of interesting and John is pretty hot, and no one’s hair is egregious.

    It seems like a bit of a continuity fail if we’re supposed to be happy for jennifer but john subsequently turns into a rapist, but somehow that doesn’t shock me.

  19. noonelikeslois says:

    omg im so glad your back!!!! reading your blog is one of my favourite ways to procrastinate!!! thanks so much – sweety valley played with my head a bit when i was a kid and now its fucking awesome to read your recaps that hang shit all over how unrealistic and idiotic the whole thing was.
    (all my svh books ‘accidently’ ended up in the bin a few years ago and since i read your blog ive been kicking myself cos id love to re-read them just for hell of it with a fresh perspective.)

    on a side note: isnt jennifer also a victim of john’s almost-rape attempts? or did she actually get raped? i never actually read it but i heard all about it in one of the twins diaries. im pretty sure it was a jennifer anyway….

  20. bubblebobblegirl says:

    OMG you have a new fan.

    I just love your blog. I was o.b.s.e.s.s.e.d. with SVH, SVT and SVU growing up..

    This is hillarious.

    I just love the token characters they throw on the covers, never to be heard from again. The only reason they exist is for some variety so we don’t get completely bored with those blue eyes, the color of the Pacific ocean. 🙂

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