The school needs another event to celebrate the Wakefields like I need a hole in the head

Gah, how much do you want to throw a punch? That smug smile. Those awful bangs.

And seriously, was this even necessary? Does SVH really need more of something that gives Jessica attention? I think Francine is taking the concept of “popular” too literally. From what I remember, the popular kids in my school weren’t necessarily the most well-liked. Many girls hated them, others feared them, but they had some sort of control over the others. So I doubt that every student is so excited for Jessica to be in the spotlight of some dumb talk show. The plot is too dumb and trite to actually explain, so I’ll give you the main players.

ERIC PARKER: An alumn of SVH who is now a famous talk show host. For some reason, he wants to film his show back at his alma matter, and wants to find the “all-American, well rounded college student” for his segment on “Growing Up in America.” Yea, battling werewolves and murdered boyfriends makes you All-American. Good going, Parker.

JESSICA: Attention whore, of course doesn’t just WANT to win, but thinks she DESERVES to win. She is concerned because she doesn’t have many extra-curricular activities. Apparently being a sociopathic cock tease doesn’t translate well on a resume. So she decides to write an article for The Oracle so she can put “journalist” on her application. She writes a story about all the bad dates she’s been on, but changes the guys’ names. Guess who Reginald Rich is? Also, according to Jessica, he kisses like a dead jellyfish. Last I checked, jellyfish couldn’t untie your bikini top.

BRUCE: Is all pissy that Jessica spread the rumor about him. He vows to get even with her. People have been teasing him about the “dead jellyfish” comment all week. To make himself feel better, he rubs himself in baby oil and rolls around in a big pile of money, then cries himself to sleep while masturbating to a picture of himself.

LILA: Gets super-psycho-competitive with Jessica because Lila is picked as the alternate. Lies on her application and makes it seem like she does tons of activities and isn’t rich. Tries to sabotage Jessica by making her miss the interview. Teams up with Bruce to set Jessica up by driving her out to an expensive store and leaving her there, and framing her for shoplifting. Bruce “puts in a call” to the store pretending to be police warning the store of a shoplifter that fits Jessica’s description. This “frenemy” thing with Jessica is…actually quite sick.

ELIZABETH: Ugh. Makes it all about her. Gets all pissy when Penny Ayala loves Jessica’s article right away and feels like she never gets the attention as a reporter. Decides she needs to try more activities so she and Enid become junior park rangers (laaaaaaaaaaaame). Of course, the head ranger recognizes Liz’s tremendous sense of maturity and responsibility and makes her head junior ranger. Liz gets overwhelmed and decides to quit, only AFTER SHE GETS THE VALIDATION. So she makes it all about proving she’s the best, and leaves the park rangers high and dry. When Jessica doesn’t make the interview, she decides to go on as Jessica.

Lila is surprised to see that “Jessica” made it back from being held in jail, and IT NEVER OCCURS TO HER THAT IT MAY BE LIZ. Jessica is fine with Liz appearing on the show, and actually doesn’t care that she couldn’t appear because she just enjoys the attention it gets her. And Elizabeth still gets to feel all holier-than-thou because she can still think the whole tv show thing is immature, but meanwhile got to be on the show. Where have we seen that before?

And what parents or friends REALLY can’t tell twins apart? Well, I guess these are the same people who though crazy Margo was the twins.

23 thoughts on “The school needs another event to celebrate the Wakefields like I need a hole in the head

  1. Eli says:

    I am tres jealous that Jessica not only has Crockett’s blazer and Scott Baio’s hotcomb (circa Charles in Charge), but Bob Barker’s microphone!

  2. Rio says:

    “Gets all pissy when Penny Ayala loves Jessica’s article right away and feels like she never gets the attention as a reporter.” And she tries to make up for that by becoming a JUNIOR PARK RANGER? There isn’t a word in the English language to encompass how weak that is.

    And of course Enid has to come along for the ride, since she clearly can’t stand a moment without Liz by her side. If she ever gets laid, she’ll be asking Liz to sit in for moral support.

  3. Lauri says:

    One of the first college books. They are both drunk and rebeling against Liz exposing the jocks preferential treatment. It was when she thought getting drunk and sleeping with basketball players would make her popular, or at least less boring, but it didn’t work.

  4. HelenB says:

    You know, for a perfect size 0, or whatever they’re meant to be, Jessica sure looks chubby on the cover! (Making fun of skinny girls gives my life validation, OK?)

    Hilarious recap!

  5. Bart_Templeton says:


    That was the sound of my gag reflex upon seeing a pic of the reprehensible James Spader. Come on now, I’ve been talking myself into liking BP of late; why conflate my amusement over his often amusing richboy antics with a mental image of Spader, for whom I have nothing but hate?

    I distinctly remembered loving this SVH, but then I am irresistably drawn to Jessica. The only character I could possibly love more is Lila, and I have to tell you: there is something delicious about this book and the other 40 like it in which Lila tries to sabotage Jessica but her plan backfires.

    I don’t know why because I love Lila and wish she could come out on top for once, but it’s supremely entertaining to watch these two stab each other in the back repeatedly and then go back to being shopping partners like nothing happened. Maybe it’s because friendships never work like that in real life that I love reading about the fantasy.

  6. Malika.. says:

    Was only able to skim through entry, will comment more later. But for now… James Spader, Pretty in Pink, Hot! End of story. Watched P i P a couple of months ago on a loop, i love that film! J Spader would kick Bruce’s arse big time.

  7. Janelle says:

    Isn’t this the one where Lila and Bruce end up kissing, drawn together by their devious plot to destroy Jessica, but she ends up telling him that he DOES kiss like a jellyfish?!

  8. ihatewheat says:

    Yes, Lila and Bruce kiss when they get horny over the idea of sabotaging Jessica. Later on, when Bruce screws up, she tells him, “you DO kiss like a dead jellyfish!”

    I’d imagine a dead jellyfish kisses like Jason Mesnick from the Bachelor.

  9. nerdy says:

    Is it just me or do Liz/Jess’s eyes look kind of crossed and wonky in this picture? Now that I look at it more (and I know this is like the meanest thing ever) she almost looks like she had a stroke- one side of her face is completely different from the other.

  10. Magpie says:

    So, now I’m confused. I’d forgotten that Bruce and Lila kiss in this book. If she thinks he kisses like a dead jellyfish, then what possessed her to get together with him in the SVU series? Surely she should run a mile.

    Liz is constantly being told that she’s an amazing journalist, soooo talented, and the star reporter for the paper. Just once she is described as only a “solid” writer, and she throws a hissy fit and decides to get a new hobby. Boy, is she asking for a slap.

  11. Donna says:

    Random thoughts…

    Continuinty issue…there is a reference to Lila and Bruce previously having a brief relationship in #3 Playing with Fire – did they not kiss at all during that fling??!!

    The twins hair always looked grey to me and never the spun gold/sun streaked/honey coloured hair persistently described in the books. I agree, Jess looks like she is in her mid-thirties here.

    I was musing earlier during the week that if the twins started off being aged 16 in 1984, they would would now, technically, be 41 years old. I wonder if Jessica’s skin would now have that ‘leather’ look about it after spending millions of hours sunbathing during her teens?

    I almost wish Francine would write an SVH reunion book just so we could see what everyone is up to 25 years later.

  12. Mary-Anne Bruno says:

    This is one of my favorite SVH books. I reread so many times that I remember stupid details like Jessica eating an avocado and sprouts sandwich and the ‘boxy turqouise jacket’ that Liz wears in her interview. I also remember thinking that the preleminary interviews were great and that both Lila and Jessia were such good conversationalists.

  13. tinypants says:

    What is with the Spader-hating? I would likely watch Pretty in Pink even more if it were just about James Spader and that girl he just had sex with who’s wearing his shirt. Delish. All your ‘casting’ cracked me up (as did the comment abt JW’s Crockett blazer — so true!)

  14. Anonymous says:

    “Apparently being a socipathic cock tease doesn’t translate well on a resume…” Funniest line I’ve ever read on this blog. The term sociopathic cocktease sums up Jessica’s personality throughout this entire book series. Ha Ha Ha.

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