The Stolen Diary, as performed by the cast of Battlestar Galactica


[cover photo from The Closet]

Cast:

Caprica Six as Jessica

Natalie as Elizabeth

Lee “Apollo” Adama as Todd

Gauis Baltar as Kris Lynch

Samuel Anders as Mr. Collins

Hi Todd, I missed you at lunch! We were supposed to feed each other french fries!

God woman, you’re suffocating me! We should see other people! Namely, I should start dating Peggy, who just wants to make out and doesn’t want to tie my balls up with a gold lavaliere and lead me around.

Well, two can play at that game!

Ah, Liz, I know I’ve never been mentioned before this, but I’m Kris Lynch and  I work at the Oracle and have been masturbating to your Eyes and Ears column all year.

Ok, let’s go out and go to the dance together! That’ll show Todd!

Ah Liz, I am so glad you decided to go out with me. I’ve been dreaming of this moment forever.

Did you just inhale oxygen? Todd does that when he breathes! Speaking of there he is! Omg! He’s dancing with Peggy! I can’t take it!

Then let’s get out of here and go to Miller’s Point!

Um, I’d rather not. In fact, I don’t like you?

WHAT? You little tease! I know you like me! I’m going to force you to make out with me!

Let me go! Although I think this is my fault for leading you on, you’re a creep! You don’t even go to football games! What kind of freak are you?

FINE! You’ll be sorry.

Hey everyone, your midterm is postponed because there is some gossip about the Wakefields. Apparently, Kris Lynch and Elizabeth Wakefield are going out and apparently she goes to second base. Whatever, that’s old news to me.

Omg! I can’t believe everyone is talking about me! And Kris keeps telling my friends about the secrets I swore not to tell anyone! Oh, on an unrelated note, I can’t find my diary! But anyway, I WONDER HOW HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!

I’ll get to the bottom of this. I’ll bet Kris Lynch stole Liz’s diary. I know this because the title of this book gave away the plot twist.

Jessica, Enid, Todd I am sorry that I blackmailed Liz and tarnished her reputation after I tried to force her with violence to have sex with and she refused. It was just a goof! Will you forgive me?

Well, okay, I guess it happens to the best of us. Let’s just laugh it off over a double-cheese bacon and ham pizza!

Kris: Okay, but what are you gonna order?

All: HAR HAR HAR HAR! [All link arms and skip to the pizza place.]

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31 thoughts on “The Stolen Diary, as performed by the cast of Battlestar Galactica

  1. Anna says:

    Wow. I think I love you. *faints*

    (I also love inappropriate-attired Mr. Collins. And now I can’t stop thinking about Mr. Collins from P&P. ACK.)

  2. Magpie says:

    “I’ll bet Kris Lynch stole Liz’s diary. I know this because the title of this book gave away the plot twist.”

    Haha 😀 The writers also give away the plot of the next book sometimes in the blurb at the end. Genius.

  3. Rio says:

    Where would Kris have found Liz’s diary? Does she carry it around with her on dates or something?

    Dear Diary, Kris and I decided to stop at the Dairi Burger for dinner before we head off to the weekly dance. Kris just ordered fries and a vanilla milkshake with his double bacon cheeseburger. It kind of reminds me of french fry-milkshake kisses, which reminds me of Todd. I miss him soooo much, Diary. I sure hope that bitch not-nice girl Peggy breaks up with him so I can console him with my condescending smiles and shoulder pats. And then maybe he’ll want to not have sex with me again!

    Well, Diary, I’ve gotta go. Our food just came, and I want to watch in amazement as Kris consumes food unfit for perfect-size-six-figure consumption and doesn’t fail at life afterward. I’ll be back later to tell you all about how I cock-blocked him at Miller’s Point, a popular parking spot overlooking Sweet Valley.

    Signed, Elizabeth.

  4. ihatewheat says:

    Jen, I’m with you. Gauis Baltar is my favorite tv fictional character…ever. And actually, Battlestar Galactica is probably my favorite (drama) of all time. I am seriously obsessed.

  5. nikka says:

    I’d always imagined elizabeth’s diary would be hardbound with gold trimmings and all. I don’t know what gave me that idea. That black notebook gives a funky touch to the cover though.

  6. ihatewheat says:

    Sam Anders= hottest.thing.ever.

    Except I’ve seen Michael Trucco in other things, and he just doesn’t do it for me if he’s not in his double tank top or viper uniform…

  7. jennicakes says:

    Oh. My. Gods. I bow down to your brilliance. The only thing that could possibly improve this is a cameo by Ned and Alice, played by Adama and Roslin, or, better yet, the Tighs!

  8. Eli says:

    Hmmm…isn’t that diary in the same kind of composition book as the slam books in Slam Book Fever? Methinks the cover artist used a discarded cover from that book for this one. PS Liz has a total man body here. She has huge man hands and shoulders like a linebacker (of course that could be from the 80s era shoulder pads, too).

  9. The Black Sheep says:

    Rofl. I dont understand why she looks so shocked (and I use that word loosely because im unsure of what her expression really is) while she reads her own diary? Can she not believe how boring she is?

  10. ihatewheat says:

    I assumed it was Jessica on the cover. The hair is down, purple sweatshirt. She is actually the one who finds the diary after it is lost and reads some of it. Too bad it didn’t mention when Liz was shtupping Ken.

  11. Anne says:

    I always thought it was Jessica too. And I totally had notebooks like that, in which I kept *my* diaries, which were at least as boring as Liz’s. Maybe Jess is reading about Liz and Ken, thus the shocked reaction and slight look of nausea

  12. Magpie says:

    Anne, that is a really good point. If Jessica got hold of Liz’s diary, you can bet that she’d read the WHOLE thing. And yet she only finds out about Liz and Ken’s fling 30 books later than this?? Jessica isn’t as devious as she thinks she is!

  13. Amber Tan says:

    “I assumed it was Jessica on the cover. The hair is down, purple sweatshirt.”

    And no plastic barrettes that match the rest of her ensemble…

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