Steven’s Bride: The Condensed Version

[Cover courtesy of The Closet]

Steven: Oh noes! Cara is moving to London!

Jessica: Why don’t you marry her? That way she won’t have to move.

Steven: What a great idea! Jess, your ideas always work, so I will do it!

Steven: Cara, will you marry me?

Cara: Marriage! That means my own apartment, I can have parites when I want and stay up as late as I want! Why yes Steven!

Lila: Cara, we are throwing you a bridal shower. Any excuse to throw a party at my house. My housekeeper gets bored so I have to give her stuff do do.

Amy: Here, I got you a sexy negligeee!

Cara: Gulp. Oh yea, I guess if we are married, I have to have sex with Steven. I had not thought of that until just now.

Jessica: Here! I got you dishes!

Cara: Gulp. Oh yea, I guess if I get married I have to have responsibilities and do housework. I hadn’t thought of that until now.

Steven: Whoa is me. I just got into a the pre-law program at college but I can’t do it because I have to get a part time job to support Cara and our shitty apartment. I really think this marriage is a bad idea but I’m just not going to say anything.

Cara: Yikes. I’m afraid to get married because I’m young and it is pretty much a felony so I am just not going to say anything.

Jessica and Elizabeth: We are going to do something we never do: go to our parents when we need help.

[The Wakefield fam stop the wedding just in time for Cara to get cold feet at the altar.]

Cara: Apparently, I do have to move to London because my character is probably too boring for this series.

Jessica: I am a sociopath devoid of all human empathy so I’m actually not that sad that my supposed best friend is moving.

Elizabeth: I am awesome because I totally know what’s right for everyone.

Steven: I’m a massive tool.

The End.

47 thoughts on “Steven’s Bride: The Condensed Version

  1. Samantha says:

    Why didn’t the parents step in before?

    Also, is that her grandma’s dress or something? I don’t think the sleeves are big enough for it to be an 80’s dress.

  2. jms says:

    Happiest. couple. ever.

    Don’t they also have a super-awkward conversation in which they almost-sort-of discuss having the sexy time? Because (like everyone else in SV, except Easy Annie and Betsy Martin), they have never done anything sexual at all and so talking about it is totally embarrassing.

    • Amit says:

      No scheduled open gym. Probably no chiro. Dr. Hamilton will be in the area, and offreed to come by. I (Jason) just haven’t heard from any takers yet. Rob and I talked about maybe going up on Saturday, and if we do, we will post a comment and/or facebook to announce it.

  3. Magpie says:

    Steven looks like a humanoid on that cover. And getting married even though Cara isn’t yet ready for sex? That’s a marriage made in heaven!

    Plus, it boggles my mind that Steven and Cara would choose to take Jessica’s advice on anything. But especially since she tried to break them up only a few books earlier, as she thought they were “stale and boring”!

  4. ILoveJonathanBrandis says:

    I think Steven looks like Tom Brady and Cara looks kinda like Molly Ringwald in this picture. Although he is definitely rockin the Blagojevich hair.

  5. Sarah C. says:

    Cara looks kind of like Leah on this season of Top Chef. And Steven has such a strong chest, just like Papa Wakefield! It’s great how Cara, who has gotten quite a bit of series action (albeit most of it dull), now is reduced to being merely “Steven’s Bride.”

    suzi-i, the flowers do look funereal and maybe even a tad artificial. The leaves in particular have a polyesterish quality.

  6. Jen S. says:

    Wait a damn minute–Cara HAS to go to London? What, is she being deported? Is Steven selflessly offering his strong chest and Blago hair on the sacrifical marriage altar to keep her from being sold into white slavery? I presume she was going because she wanted to go, yes? And the only way Steven can keep her around is to PROPOSE MARRIAGE???

    This is cavemannish and offensive even for SVH. And Cara must be the only teen bride who isn’t getting married because she’s knocked up.

  7. ihatewheat says:

    Allow me to explain. Cara’s mom got a job in London after her parents get divorced. Cara thinks her parents are getting back together and they will stay in the US. However, that doesnt happen so by marrying Steven she will get to stay.

    I know, why London? Can’t they just say, I don’t know, Utah?

  8. Kristin says:

    Jen S., I am laughing out loud at my desk at your post. Love it.

    What couldn’t Cara just have stayed with her old man if she wanted to be in the U.S. with Stephen strong-chest?

  9. Anne says:

    I think Cara kind of looks a little like Mandy Moore. Maybe a Mandy/Molly combination (Manly? Oh wait, wrong series)

    Where the hell were Nalice when this was going down? Worst… parents… ever.

  10. bookslide says:

    Oh God, I read that as “The Condescension Version.” I WONDER WHY…Could it be that the word comes up so much when we’re talking about Sweet Valley High and perhaps a certain twin…?

  11. Rio says:

    “I know, why London? Can’t they just say, I don’t know, Utah?”

    You have to give them some credit; most stories that follow this plotline have the girl going to Paris. They really blazed a trail here.

    Also, the twinz almost moved to Utah in SVJH. I would have enjoyed seeing their misadventures with a high school full of Mormons.

  12. Cat says:

    You have to give them some credit; most stories that follow this plotline have the girl going to Paris. They really blazed a trail here.

    LOL, so true!

    This comment is proof that my brain has been fried by too much of Stephanie Meyer’s shitty fiction, but I’m actually giving SVH some points here for not being all teen marriage yay, although maybe Cara would change her mind if Steven sparkled.

  13. Regina Sorrow says:

    ANNE SAID- “Where the hell were Nalice when this was going down? Worst… parents… ever.”

    Maybe they were on vacay in Australia like when Jess was busted for cocaine possession in SVU, “No, don’t bring them back for my trial, they’ve been looking forward to this trip for aaages!”

    I love the cover. Steven is Eagle-Eye action man (right down to the gun-grip hand) and Cara is his vacant, traumatised, spoils-of-war child-bride.

  14. rgquimby says:

    Steven looks sort of like a young, ginger Patrick Swayze in this pic… and Cara kind of gave me flashbacks of “A Walk to Remember” where Mandy Moore plays that chick with cancer who wears all these semi-bad outfits.

  15. Cara Walker says:

    lol – I agree that Cara looks like Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember on this cover. Steven, on the other hand, looks like a robot (as he does on every SVH cover he has been on!).

    Hated this book. So unrealistic and shite.Only read it once – don’t want to reread it. EVER.

  16. Malika says:

    Cara looks like she’s posing next to a Madame Tussaud’s wax model…

    Look at me, look at me, standing next to my perfect husband.. So what if he’s not real, i have no self-esteem thanks to the degeneratory effects of being friends with Jessica and a pretend husband is better than none at all!

    And she DOES look like Mandy Moore!

  17. Kathy says:

    I don’t think there has ever been a cover where Steven has looked attractive. He looks like a damn robot on all of them. No emotion at all. Can’t they at least have him smile or something? Oh wait, he did on the Are We In Love cover. But he was still UGLY.

    Cara on the other hand is actually very pretty. I always got the feeling that she and Lila were probably more attractive then the Wakefield twins. I like that Cara is described as being olive skinned, brown eyes, long dark hair. She sounds beautiful.

  18. Eli says:

    Cara really does look like a child bride here…and with that puffy dress, she looks like she should be in that cult from Texas who marries off their children.

    I’m gonna vote for Chyler Leigh in the who she looks like stakes.

  19. Tannaqui says:

    Definitely Chyler Leigh aka one of the many reasons I stopped watching Grey’s.

    Did you know that Chyler Leigh had to make out with her own BROTHER for a tv show?! That was some Flowers In The Attic shit right there. I think there’s a youtube vid….

  20. 88keys says:

    Is Stephen blind? Or does the artist THINK Stephen is blind? In every cover, he seems to be staring off in the distance but not really seeing anything, you know?

  21. Vanessa Saxton says:

    Deb, if anyone here was a Reader of the Month, I am not sure she would admit it.
    This is one of the worst covers of Steven ever. He looks like a mannequin. And Cara’s dress! I remember her saying she “wore this dress for a few dances or something but she never knew it would be her wedding gown back then!” or some crap like that. Who repeats dance outfits? That’s so not acceptable in Sweet Valley…

  22. Sarah C. says:

    The dress is awesome. You can actually see the bulge of a shoulder pad. What is going on with Steven’s free hand? Is he gesturing or just showing us that he has opposable thumbs?

  23. RollingStone says:

    Katrina –
    Steven is supposed to look just like Ned, who is dark- haired (and “handsome” of course!) I haven’t read that many SVH’s, but I remember that in SVT they mentioned these things every single fucking time they described him.

  24. 88keys says:

    Cara looks really plain in this cover. I always thought she sounded like the most attractive of all the SVH girls, but she is blah here.

  25. ms. complexity says:

    I’ve never seen a bride and groom look so desperate in my life. The groom staring into the distance as if he’s a Cylon. The bride leaning her head to one side.

    This synopsis had me laughing out loud…for real.

  26. RollingStone says:

    That wedding dress definitely isn’t white, which is really weird considering that the bride actually is a virgin. Or did something happen we don’t know about?…

  27. Nazieyrah says:

    Jen,Your pitrcue is very cute! Actually, it is a very nice pitrcue. That is a great challenge idea. I totally understand your nervousness. I’m trying P365 again. I hope to make it past day 15.I thought about doing something similar except I wanted to take at least one pitrcue a month w/my kids. I have them and their father everywhere, but nothing with the four of us together.

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