‘Tis Pity She’s Not a Whore.

I don’t know why I subjected myself to more of this miniseries, it’s not like the previous one was so stellar.  This miniseries was also the point where the big changeover happened, where SVH tried to change into multi-book storylines. Kind of like when Beverly Hills, 90210 went from self-contained stories in single episodes (Brenda may have breast cancer! Brandon dates a teenage mom! Kelly almost gets raped on Halloween!) to a continuous melodrama. Yea, it didn’t work for that, either.

Nothing much has changed in this one. Elizabeth still feels guilty for killing Sam. Sam continues to be dead. Jessica still mourns over Sam and is mad at Elizabeth. Lila continues to not shut her trap about her mother Grace. Margo continues to murder small children, drowning them in lakes and killing old women in public restrooms. You know, the usual.

How does Jessica extract her revenge on Liz? By leaving the newspaper article about the arrest where Liz can see it. Oooo, burn. And putting the moves on Todd. You know, because he is just dumb enough to fall for it.

Lila finally meets her mother but is mad because she also has an annoying French boyfriend she pays attention to instead of Lila. This guy is such a French stereotype he wears a stripe shirt and beret while miming eating a baguette.

Also, Liz is arrested for the murder of Sam, and she spends the evening in jail. Uh, would they really put a minor in jail? Maybe, I don’t know. Also, while she is in the clink, Liz gets harassed by some badass hookers.  One of them was “wearing a lot of makeup, and was dressed in a short, tight, satin skirt, a skimpy halter top, and glittery silver stockings.” Isn’t that something Jessica would wear to the beach disco? They taunt her and call her rich girl, and tell her that her blond California looks drives the guys wild and could earn her a lot of money.  I am surprised at this point Liz doesn’t talk to these women and talk them out of a life of prostitution and into a life of crocheting or something. But Liz just shrinks back and is scared. Of course, because all sex workers are disgusting, immoral people who choose their line of work. Thanks, Sweet Valley for another lesson. Also, I am intrigued that Sweet Valley actually has sex workers. Where’s the demand? Probably when Ned is entertaining clients.

And does Sweet Valley have the WORST police force ever? Liz cannot remember anything about the night of the accident, and doesn’t know why she had alcohol in her system. Don’t the cops ever ask her IF SHE HAD ANYTHING TO DRINK at the dance and finding out the punch? Spiking punch at the dance is the oldest high school cliche in the book, right up there with spying on girls in the locker room. They couldn’t think of this? What the hell are they teaching them in the police academy?

There’s also some, ahem, comedy, in this one. I guess the ghosties wanted to offset the image of the bloated body of a dead child floating in the lake. Nicholas Morrow goes on the show Hunks and has to go on three dates with three girls and talk about it on the show. And it’s about as funny as Winston’s lunchtime comedy shows. It also reinforces that anyone outside of the mainstream, chino-wearing, cheerleader/football player archetype is beyond FREAKISH! The first woman he goes out with is kind of punk, has tattoos and takes him to a biker bar. Therefore, is a total freak who doesn’t deserve to live. Nicholas is all embarrassed by her and is harassed by the people at the bar who think he is a narc. I just think he is a tool. The other girl he goes out with giggles all the time and wears a sweatshirt and jeans on their date, The NERVE! She should be burned at the stake. The third girl is pretty and perfect looking, but Nicholas screws up the date by getting a flat tire and puking, but she doesn’t mind and kisses him on the show. She doesn’t seem to have any sort of personality. Just like the perfect Sweet Valley girl should.

Can I get an ahem for this being the worst cover ever? Todd and Jess have the longest legs ever, and Liz’s hair confuses me. And OMG! Is that the Wakefield’s splkit-level pefect house in the background??? Is this the first time we’ve seen it?

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26 thoughts on “‘Tis Pity She’s Not a Whore.

  1. eejm says:

    That almost made me think it was Jessica on the cover for a second. Liz is missing her barrettes and her hand on the shoulder of Sweet Valley’s latest social pariah. Oh, and her usual look of pity is now reserved for herself.

  2. ADL says:

    Well, my link takes you to the main page…grr…

    Anyway just click on Sweet Valley Twins then Best Friends…we all know the drill lol. Sorry bout that!

  3. Anne says:

    Maybe Alice hired one of her decorator friends to re-design the exterior.

    I’m glad I’ve never read these ones, and I really don’t think I ever will. I just don’t think I can handle the nonsense.

    Layout change, eh? Confused me for a moment, but the picture was a dead giveaway that I was in the right place.

  4. Vanessa Saxton says:

    I think the house on Calico Drive from the SV Twins Best Friends cover looks like the same house from The Golden Girls.
    What do you think?

    Golden Girls

    Calico Drive

  5. Rhiannon says:

    Thanks, Sweet Valley for another lesson. Also, I am intrigued that Sweet Valley actually has sex workers. Where’s the demand? Probably when Ned is entertaining clients.

    See I was under the impression that when Ned entertained clients, HE was the one wearing the sparkly tights.

  6. annakelly says:

    Hee – my Jacobean Drama class put on that play last year. It was fun.

    I could not imagine re-reading these books. It must be migraine-inducing.

  7. BartTempleton says:

    Are you freakin’ kidding me? This is one of the BEST covers ever! Liz looks like a boozy small-town hooker herself! At any given moment, at COPS tapings/stings around rural America, a blonde with dark-rooted feathered hair, a world-weary gaze, and the barest beginnings of hound-dog jowls is being herded into the back of the car.

  8. Jen S. says:

    “There’s some ‘comedy’ in this one, probably to distract from the image of a bloated child floating in the lake.” Yeah, that is such a drag, isn’t it?

    Poor Liz, having to mingle with the Great Unwashed. I wish there was a scene of her dad coming to bail her out and all the hookers recognizing him–“Hey, it’s “I don’t tip” Neddy! How’s it goin’, baby? When we gonna party again? You said you’d get me outta here for a free one! C’mon!”

  9. Amber Tan says:

    “Liz looks like a boozy small-town hooker herself! At any given moment, at COPS tapings/stings around rural America, a blonde with dark-rooted feathered hair, a world-weary gaze, and the barest beginnings of hound-dog jowls is being herded into the back of the car.”

    Bwah! Too true, BT. Just substitute a scrunchy in lieu of the matching barettes, add a stained tank top (pref. in camo) and voila! Redneck Liz! Hmmm…might want to lose a couple of front teeth to complete the ensemble.

  10. Rio says:

    What’s with the cop’s nose? It looks like the real one fell off and he replaced it with a cardboard cutout.

    Also, the Wakefield abode looks a hell of a lot like some of the houses on Laguna Beach. Which gives me an idea: Sweet Valley: The Real Orange County.

  11. Magenta Galaxy says:

    “Uh, would they really put a minor in jail? Maybe, I don’t know.”

    No, no they wouldn’t. They have juvenile halls for that. And you can’t be bailed out of them. Nor can a minor’s trial be open to the public and plastered all over the newspaper with their name and photo. But, of course, SV is far above confidentiality laws.

  12. Cat says:

    This was the first and last SVH miniseries I read. It came out right about when I outgrew SVH (or maybe this is why I outgrew SVH?) and moved on to crappy fantasy, which really isn’t an upgrade, now that I think of it. Some of the fantasy novels I read would’ve probably benefited from magic vodka and psycho teens who drown toddlers.

  13. calico drive says:

    “Margo continues to murder small children, drowning them in lakes and killing old women in public restrooms.” i loved Margo in this mini series. all will die (evil laugh)

  14. Jennifer says:

    While I did read all of this mini-series, I wasn’t too much of a fan of the drastic “new” image. To be honest, I just ordered #94 to find out what it said about the upcoming book. all it says at the end is “after the next prom, sweet valley will never be the same”. I personally think that was the beginning of the end. If they felt it needed a new image, why not stick it out until number #100 (just 6 away from where they already were) and in there, let the twins move on the next year. IMHO I think it was a feeble attempt to just re-start the entire series. But that is just me.

  15. Magpie says:

    “I guess the ghosties wanted to offset the image of the bloated body of a dead child floating in the lake.”

    This is why these books terrified me as a kid. I seem to remember there was some disturbing imagery in there for a 10-year-old to be reading. With retrospect, this really is where SVH jumped the shark. Except that some of the stuff that followed (Werewolves! Vampires! Escaped murderous convicts in Death Valley!) was so hilarious that I’m kinda glad the series went off the rails.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Forget Liz’s hair and Jessica’s ludicrously long legs. Has anyone checked out Todd’s double-demin outfit?! What a guy.

  17. Amy Slutton says:

    LOL, I was going to say, Liz looks about 35.

    I’m disappointed in what is probably supposed to be the Wakefield house. I always imagined it as this cozy, late 70’s/early 80’s style house. The one on the cover looks exactly like the houses they started building down my street in the mid to late 90’s, where they try to make even a small one-story house look extravagant by putting pillars and a portico on it. Yuck 😦

  18. Cara Walker says:

    lol Amy Slutton – I think that Liz looks about 35 on this cover, too 🙂

    Funny, though, the thing that used to grab my attention about this cover is the cop’s nose. It just looks freaky weird to me.

    Admittedly, I kind of liked this miniseries – despite the multitude of inconsistencies and the ridiculous plot.

  19. Anisa(: says:

    LMFAO at the cops noise.
    oh yeah, Liz looks like shes 35, i agree. and what happened to Jessica’s fabo style?
    i thought she thought [ugh double word] jeans and a t-shirt were boring.

    & it also makes me want to punch the lights out of dear jess for still scheming even after someone she loved died. cant she be normal for once?

  20. Anna says:

    I think Margo’s plot to kill the twins was hilarious…but I really could have done without her killing small children. The abuse scene with Georgie was just sickening and disturbing, and the book would have been much better off without it. I mean, she locks him up in the closet, and he’s scared and crying, and she lets him out and then kicks him in the head??? Then basically laughs at him as the terrified little boy holds his head trying to protect himself…I’m not a big kid-lover, but I had to put the book down after that. DAMN.

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