Thanks for the obvious, Alyssa.

I am making up for not reading anything else this week by posting our much-loved Reader of the Month. By this point, they must really be scraping the bottom of the barrel. Alyssa is apparently a bundle of raging hormones that likes to point out the obvious as well as ignoring the concept of organizing paragraphs into topic sentences.

I have been reading Sweet Valley High for almost three years. I like them because they have so much…everything.

Super Thrillers have danger, suspense, mystery, romance, fear, bombs, escapes and more. [Bombs, yes, she said bombs. May I also add crazy people who like to steal faces?]

Super Editions have feelings of love, hate, sadness, guilt, deception and more.

Super Stars, Super Thrillers, Super Editions and all the regular ones all make you feel like you are with them. [With what?]

I am more like Jessica than Elizabeth. I get into trouble and always expect my brother to bail me out. Until third grade I never knew or cared if boys lived. [What? So you murdered boys in first grade?] Now they are one of the most important things in my life. I am also usually outgoing. I’m like Elizabeth a little because when I grow up I want to write books. [And very much like Elizabeth in that you think you are a good writer when in fact, you are not. ] I like (love) to read, and one of my favorite kind of books to read is Sweet Valley High. [Huh? Are you saying that like and love are the same thing? Somewhere, your English teacher is having a seizure.]

Alyssa, you slay me with your writing.

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22 thoughts on “Thanks for the obvious, Alyssa.

  1. Rhiannon says:

    Now they are one of the most important things in my life. Yes dear. You are absolutely nothing without boys. Your entire existance is wrapped up in how that 6 ft body of hormones with a hose attached between its legs sees you.

    God I hope you became a trophy wife to a rich old geezer who then dumped your ass for someone younger and smarter than you.

    Dumbass. . . .

  2. BartTempleton says:

    She has a mighty discerning eye for detail, that Alyssa.

    I’ve read all the Supers except Winter Carnival and I couldn’t tell you the difference between a Thriller and an Edition if my life-being-threatened-by-Carl-the-Orderly-(TM) depended on it.

    “Super Editions have feelings of love, hate, sadness, guilt, deception and more.”

    That is the sum total of my emotional arc as I read through any given SVH.

  3. nikki says:

    Ha Ha!

    Poor Alyssa. We all did things we aren’t so proud of when we were teenagers. My terrible writing just happens to have been kept private, and eventually thrown in the trash.

  4. Rio says:

    “I get into trouble and always expect my brother to bail me out.”

    You have to admire her willingness to admit to her own lack of accountability.

    “Now [boys] are one of the most important things in my life.”

    Also, her poor prioritizing skills.

    “I’m like Elizabeth a little because when I grow up I want to write books.”

    And her delusions.

  5. Vanessa Saxton says:

    This is seriously the funniest thing I ever read. Which book was Alyssa featured in? I just have to see the picture that accompanies this winning essay.
    And Kristin, I cannot believe she won either. I remember wanting to enter this contest but I thought I wouldn’t be good enough. All I can say to this is- wow.

  6. Jen S. says:

    So, what did she win, exactly? A concert with The Droids for her birthday? Psychiatric care? English lessons? Microwave pancakes?

  7. Magpie says:

    Wow. These entries always crack me up! I am so glad I couldn’t enter these contests (I don’t think they were open to readers outside the US). I wonder if Alyssa realised she was opening herself up to public shame 15 years down the line?

  8. tygre says:

    I have to wonder what the reject entries looked like that Alyssa made the cut.

    Somewhere, the junior editor who had to slog through all of these still weeps.

  9. yasoup says:

    Please tell me this was faked by a ghostie and not really written by some girl who seriously thinks that life is so much more important with male figures.
    **
    Also, I know this is OT, but this is off the movie-sponsored RottenTomatoes “Twilight” website, a character profile for Bella:

    As the Twilight saga begins, 17-year-old Isabella Swan moves from sunny Phoenix to rainy Forks, Washington to live with her father, Charlie. School-smart and mature beyond her years, Bella does her best to blend in with the kids at Forks High; because she�s clumsy and shy, Bella can�t see her own beauty and strength — though her classmates clearly do…

    MATURE BEYOND HER YEARS?

    Shoot me, please shoot me!!!! What synopsis-writer did they hire to write this dreck?? Stephanie herself?

  10. Rio says:

    “Bella can’t see her own beauty and strength — though her classmates clearly do…”

    GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. So her classmates only exist to boost her self-esteem? You can’t get much sadder than that.

  11. Katie says:

    This has nothing to do with your post.. But I was reading this SVU book, and I was thinking that Anderson Cooper could be such a William White.. or a William White’s dad.

  12. BartTempleton says:

    If WilliamW was the platinum-blonde guy who kept tongueing Elizabeth’s ear canal at some college dance in the first book or two (thus mentally scarring me for the next 14 years) then, yeah, I guess so. Don’t remember his dad, but I stopped reading after the first 3 books sucked so much.

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