Single mothers are chased out of Sweet Valley with torches and pitchforks, apparently

[cover courtesy of The Closet]

Sometimes it is ridiculous how convoluted and complicated these plots are. They’re like the Rube-Goldberg of plots. There’s a completely obvious way to simplify the story, but they decide to take the dubest, most unlikely route. Isn’t there some Occam’s razor theory that the simplest explanation is the best? I think Matthew McConaughey taught me that.

Ok, so here’s the ridiculousness. Susun Stewart, who we are hearing about for the first time in this book, is pretty and sophisticated and mostly hangs out with the rich kids from Bridgewater. Her boyfriend is Gordon somebody, a lesser version of B-Pat.  Also, Susan doesn’t have am mother, but lives with a “guardian” she calls her Aunt Helen. Aunt Helen has promised to let Susan know who her real parents are when she turns eighteen. It may seem like a mere two years away, but in this world, it’s more like 20 years, so Iunderstand Susan’s frustration. Susan’s mysterious guardian also supplies her with money so she can have fancy clothes and hang with the rich kids. Susan is going with Gordon to the Bridgewater Ball, which is THE event of the season for white people. Lila is super jealous that Susan gets to go, and goes all psychopath and starts a rumor that Susan’s mother is really in a mental hospital, and Gordon breaks up with her because he can’t stand the shame. Why do these kids care so much about people’s parents anyway? I never really knew that much about my friend’s parents’ repuations. I’m pretty sure my friend’s father was a mob boss, but I didn’t care because she had her own tv and vcr in her room, so she was like a goddess to me.

Anyhow, there’s also a famous movie director coming to Sweet Valley to cast his movie. Because everywhere else the shit stinks, and the sewers of Sweet Valley smell like roses. Turns out he is really Susan’s father, and he wanted an excuse to come to Sweet Valley and see her. So why not get on his fucking private jet and just go? And the rumor makes Aunt Helen tell Susan the truth- she’s really Susan’s mother! She had a baby with Mr. movie director before she was married and then he left her, and when she moved to Sweet Valley, she was afraid of what PEOPLE WOULD THINK OF HER IF SHE HAD NO HUSBAND. So, the solution is, lie to your child her whole life! And then, poor Aunt Helen worked a waitressing job so Susan would think she was rich! And Susan of course, forgives her in a heartbeat. Because teenage girls are so rational.So, that adds the the list of people that are not allowed to live in Sweet Valley, including black people, overweight people, divorcees, kids without fathers, poor people, and now, single mothers. Got it. Check.

Meanwhile, Susan starts going out with Allen Waters, a shy guy. If it weren’t for Elizabeth’s help, he never would have the courage! Another poor piece of shit saved by Liz! Gordon wants Susan back, but she’s having none of it. She’s just a plebian now!

Having babies out of wedlock is the them here. The twins think Alice is pregnant but afraid to announce it to the family. So they come up with the brilliant plan to talk awkwardly about how much they love babies. Meanwhile, Alice and Ned think it’s because of the the twins is knocked up and get mad. Hilarity ensues! Alice isn’t pregnany, because she and Ned sleep in single beds in the same room like on old 50s sitcoms. I’m just so glad they acknowledge the concept of sex. Also, it’s a relief when the twins are only the subplot, because it means some sort of wacky Brady-Bunch hikinks, instead of rape and werewolves.

In other news, I watched The House Bunny [please don’t ask why. It was an abomination of a movie.] But the screenplay read like the ghostwriters wrote it. It was like a Super Special, “Jessica runs a Sorority”. With the same dumb plot twists.

And if you are feeling Christmasy, feel free to reminisce about Sweet Valley Christmases past, with grossly misdiagnosed diseases, and almost being murdered by your lookalike…and again.

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19 thoughts on “Single mothers are chased out of Sweet Valley with torches and pitchforks, apparently

  1. Kelly says:

    House Bunnies was so a SVH reject plot! Po little Jessica has no family, gets kicked out of the mansion by someone who is jealous of her pretty, pretty blond hair and size 6 (ha) figure and has to fit in with those crazy, kookie overweight smart kids! Oh the shame!
    Don’t remember this book in the slightest.

  2. kiwimusume says:

    I watched the first hour of The House Bunny on my flight home (see, Mr Movie Director Guy? I can get on a plane and go see my family, and all I can afford is – GASP! – economy class! Which I guess is like the airline equivalent of The Bus.) I did love some of the lines, like “Good morning Pooter! You’re looking dapper!” and when she’s describing what she and her “sisters” used to do and says “…painting each other’s bodies, baking penis cookies, playing with monkeys…”

  3. Magpie says:

    Isn’t this entire plot the same one they used in the second Wakefield Saga? One of Ned’s ancestors has teh sex out of wedlock, gets pregnant, is disowned by her dad, and raises the baby as her nephew. Except, the storyline made much more sense in the context of a story set in 1905.

    Also, is this the same Allen Walters who dates Robin Wilson in the earliest books? If so, the ghostwriters only ever seem to wheel him out when they need a boyfriend for a social outcast.

  4. Jade Wu's Toe Shoe says:

    Love the way Susan’s hair puddles fabulously over the edge of her pillow. Because in SV, one must look gorgeous even while suffering! (See: Tricia, Regina)

    I never read this book – did we get any elaborate descriptions of Susan’s fire-red hair and pale skin? Or was Jimmy just taking creative license with this cover?

  5. Cat says:

    That’s immediately what I thought of, too, Magpie. Except like you said, it actually makes sense given the time frame. Not so much in this book.

    So wait… how would a waitressing job make Susan think Helen was rich? I don’t get it… did Helen lie about her job all those years, and Susan just now figures it out? Only in Sweet Valley.

  6. Anne says:

    Did her mom/aunt (hereby known as maunt) work at the Dairi Burger or at Kelly’s? Because we know there are only two places to waitress at in Sweet Valley…

  7. Vanessa Saxton says:

    Anne, she could have worked at either The Whistle Stop with Johanna Porter or the Box Tree Cafe- the fancy place for dates.

    Is this the book where Alice asked, “which one of you two is in trouble?” Best reference to sex in SV ever!

  8. Rio says:

    because she and Ned sleep in single beds in the same room like on old 50s sitcoms.

    You mean she’s capable of resisting his thick brown hair and strong, muscular chest? And he’s capable of resisting her smooth blond pageboy haircut and the way she can still fit into the twins’ size-six clothes? Un-bloody-believable.

  9. Jen S says:

    *Shrieks for joy when she sees cover*

    I loved this one! I too questioned how a waitressing job could pay both living expenses and fancy extras for two women, and now wonder if the Single Mom OUTCAST had to work in some secret strip club.

    And Jade Wu, they do talk about Susan’s auburn hair–a lot. She’s like Anne Shirley of Sweet Valley. They even have Susan (who thinks “Aunt Helen” is only her guardian, not a relation) comment on how they both have the same coloring and features. Thus underlining how stupid both Susan and the entire population of Sweet Valley are.

  10. ihatewheat says:

    Cat, I think Susan was also told that her mother was also giving her money, whoever she was and would reveal herself when she turned 18. Turns out it was Aunt Helen breaking her back serving cheeseburgers so that Helen could own tennis whites and hang out at the country club.

  11. girltalkread says:

    Yes Jen S you are sooooo darn right- I thought Susan was soo dumb for not realizing ” Aunt Helen” was really her mom for the LONGEST!! But I admit- I LOVED this damn book when I was in 8th grade!!

    Also, I would also say that I’d bet ANYTHING that ” Aunt Helen”‘ was not serving Moons Over My Hammy at Denny’s, but was shaking her thang at some redneck strip club- maybe, like, a Big Mesa strip bar!

  12. Amber Tan says:

    “Is this the book where Alice asked, “which one of you two is in trouble?”

    No way! Sex was actually mentioned — even if obliquely — in a SV book?!?

    I wonder if Jess and Liz could have continued pulling of the old ‘twin-switch’ if one of them was preggers. Unless the knocked up twin only gained 2 pounds.

    Also joining in on the “Aunt Helen was slinging waaaay more than hash” chorus…unless Director Dad was paying child support.

  13. eejm says:

    Didn’t Susan’s father have a younger child that died, and because of that he decided to find Susan? Why was Susan never pissed at being a replacement child? Oh right – because she was a famous director’s kid, now she genuinely had a reason to be a called a “cool kid.”

    I remember the pregnancy storyline. I think it all started when Alice craved pistachio ice cream. If I were truly pregnant each time I had a food craving I’d have a whole town of kids by now.

    I don’t think Susan’s hair color actually occurs in nature. Cher sported it a few years ago when she was hitting the henna big and bad.

  14. Janet Howell says:

    Allen Waters! Holy crap. Those silent guys in SVH? They must be the hot ones after graduation. Whatever happened to Randy whatshisname, I wonder.

    Isn’t there like a SVH 20 years after? That’d be great.

    Great entry as alllllways.

  15. Dee says:

    your blog is just my favorite at this point. I appreciate the Sweet Valley books (mainly because they are sooo random and a big part of my third grade life…I can’t believe I used to read the high school series as well at that age) but your comments are hilarious! thanks so much! Have you read the Jr. High series…Jessica is definitely the outcast loser so that’s a crazy twist of events!

  16. katie says:

    I havent read this book yet. What happened to Lila after spreading that rumour? It’s always at least one of the Pi Beta Alpha’s.

    I would hate to live in Sweet Valley

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