The Big Night- the prom they’ve been waiting fourteen years for where everyone acts like a complete sociopath and I can’t believe I fucking read this whole thing

Elizabeth shook her head, fresh tears streaming down her face. “But it’s prom night…and I’ve ruined it! Because I’m such a ba-bad person.” She swiped at the moisture soaking her eyes and cheeks, knowing she was probably smearing mascara all over her face but not caring. What did it matter now? Bit by bit she ripped the tissue in pieces, watching morosely as the scraps fluttered to the floor. Just like her chances with Todd and Devon, the tissue was shredded and mangled.

I’ve always been a fairly advanced reader, but seriously this whole Sweet Valley High project is seriously making me dumber. The writing above makes Stephenie Meyer look like Tolstoy.

Really, in order to be a ghost writer, you’d think a requirement would be to at least be familiar with the other books. So we won’t get something like this which makes no sense and rehashes almost 30 other book plots.

But, kudos to making this about the junior prom! We’ve made some progress in our completely illogical timeline! No worries that a Jungle Prom already happened and Jessica’s beloved died after it and Elizabeth was almost given the electric chair. Nah, it wasn’t even mentioned despite some of the prom stuff triggering that. But our twin femme-bots have much more to worry about.

This is part of a five-part miniseries [good lord] and this is the second book, and apparently in the book before this, Liz and Todd break up (no you guys, for realsies this time!) and she starts going out with Devon Whitelaw, a poor little rich boy with a motorcycle. Wait, a MOTORCYCLE? Didn’t Liz, uh have some issues with that, say 130 books ago? never mind that. Of course Jessica wanted him for herself, but he preferred Liz. What else is new? Jessica should have cried rape on him like she did with Todd, because that worked so well last time. No, I’m not being sarcastic. She and Todd actually did have some flings, no?

Meanwhile, Lila and Jessica don’t have dates, and they interviewed guys but both liked the same guy but promised each other they wouldn’t ask the guy, but they both did behind each other’s backs because they are heartless nasty bitches. This guy, Jordan, is awesome because he called shenanigans on them and dumped them both. So for Lila, this is the worst thing in the world for her. For Jessica, she decides to steal someone’s date. Just another day in the life of these horrible wenches.

Meanwhile, on Friday afternoon, Elizabeth was out doing something and Jess was home to take Devon’s message that he would meet Liz at the restaurant instead of Secca lake. Jess is too busy getting ready to remember to tell her. So Liz is waiting like a sad sack at Secca Lake, and Tood shows up because he wanted to go there and think about all the good times he had with Liz. Of course, they get back together and Liz is all fuck Devon, he stood me up and decides to go to the prom with Todd. [smacks forehead] Gah Liz, you were making so much progress with breaking up with him!

Jessica decides to go to the restaurant to explain things to Devon but takes one look at him and her loins vibrate and she decides to be Liz for the evening and at the end of the night Devon will be so in love with her that he won’t care that she tricked him. She acts all Jessica and they head out to the prom. Meanwhile, when they get there she runs into Liz with Todd, and hatches a plan. She convinces Liz to let Devon think she is Liz, therefore she won’t hurt Devon’s feelings and Liz can also be with Todd. Liz, supposedly being the sensible one, agrees.

Back the fuck up. Soooo many stupid things about this.

So what will Liz do at the end of the night? Date them both? Think that they won’t ever find out about each other?

Will they not see each other at the same prom, supposedly dancing with “Elizabeth”?

Apparently, their personalities don’t matter, because no one can ever tell what twin they are with. This is what annoys me about the twin switch- apparently people are so enraptured with their looks, that they don’t seem to notice the person has no idea about any past conversations. Hey, if Margo and Nora pulled it off, go to town.

Yea, so as you can imagine, it doesn’t work out. Lila is so pissed that Jessica is with Devon and that she doesn’t have a date, she decides to tell Devon the plan, and Devon feels like a total ass, so he yells at Liz, and so does Todd. Waaaaahhhhhhh! Liz runs off and Enid of course is right behind her, foaming at the mouth about the thought of comforting her.

Meanwhile, Courtney Kane, who we know is evil because she is wearing a slutty dress, is pissed because Todd dumped her for Liz. For like the third time. Oh Court, when will you learn that the Wakefield twins poop rainbows? She and Lila hatch a plan to make them miserable and Lila can get with Devon. Apparently this plan includes locking the twins plus Enid and maria Slater in a tool shed while the rest of the class goes on a yacht for the after prom party (all paid for by the school, mind you).

Finally the Scooby gang gets out of the shed and they miss the yacht launch, and here is where the book turns into a Michael Bay film. Liz and the gang jump into a speed boat and Liz drives the thing at like 90 miles an hour and they catch up with the yacht and they see Courtney push Todd over the edge. Liz of course jumps off the boat to save him, and pulls him to safety. She is more concerned that he will then profess he undying love to her instead of him being alive. He gives her the brush off and she bursts into tears again.

What would a Sweet Valley prom be without deranged killers, high speed boat chases and a Liz and Todd fight?

Also, I want to note that Enid’s date was Blubber Johnson. And he’s kind of a moron.  Maria Slater’s (who is she? Another Liz disciple?} goes with a black model named Tyler Becksmith, obviously supposed to be Tyson Beckford. Ah, the late nineties.

This Devon Whitelaw character is so entranced with Liz that he’s kind of scary stalkerish. And he may be even more of a tool than Todd. “You have a way with words, Ms. Wakefield. The next thing you know, you’ll be spouting poerty. maybe you’ll even write a special poem abouyt our first dance together and read it to me by the beach one night.”

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37 thoughts on “The Big Night- the prom they’ve been waiting fourteen years for where everyone acts like a complete sociopath and I can’t believe I fucking read this whole thing

  1. Jade Wu's Toe Shoe says:

    Although I never read this one, I completely remember Maria Slater from a later Twins book (she was a former child actress and of course Elizabeth helped her leap tall buildings in a single bound and thereby be restored to greatness. Or something.) So I suppose that’s a bit of – DARE I SAY IT – continuity? Eh. I’ll take what I can get.

    Additionally, Maria was black – hey, just like Jessi! – in case anyone wondered if Tyson Beckwhatever was breaking ground by dating her. That would have to be a whole other book.

  2. The Babysitter says:

    Wow, that’s some pretty tasty prose you’ve quoted in the extract there…at first I wasn’t even really sure whether it was for real or a masterfully comedic parody.

    And ugh, Liz is so sleazy, she makes me want to puke.

  3. Anne says:

    Bless you Ihatewheat. I was going through withdrawals waiting for the next post, but it was totally worth it!

    *snickers with Fear Street* Who comes up with these names. And you’d think a guy with the name Blubber Johnson would never get a date, since it leads to alllll sorts of terrible images. But then, this is Sweet Valley where only Annie Whitman has sex (and not even anymore!)

    May I request a review of “Decisions” some time soon… it’s a Robin and George story… so you know there’s stuff about food and Robin being a doormat and stuff.

    And as if Lila and Jessica interviewed their dates. Who do they think they are??? Oh wait… never mind. Of COURSE they did. *rolls eyes* Someone needs to push Jess back in the pool!

  4. Anne says:

    Oh, and one more thing… the snow falling over the prom scene of Liz and Todd (??) on the cover is making me kind of nauseous! 😉

  5. amandahugnkiss says:

    Made. Of. Win.

    Also, as an fyi, Enid referred to Tyler as having “glossy dark brown skin” in the book before this one (Picture Perfect Prom?). Which makes me think that he’s in serious need of blotting papers.

  6. sarah says:

    Do you ever do the Twins books? My all time favorite Sweet Valley “jessica impersonates liz or vice versa” moment came in The Christmas Ghost when Jessica pretends to be Liz to discuss some lame-o charity with “movie star Beau Dillon” and then dreams of the future where this action will set into motion a future where she is ostracized and unpopular bc of her treatment of Liz.

    If only.

  7. Vanessa Saxton says:

    Never read this one because I hated the Devon Whitelaw story arc. I also hate the ghostwriters- did they EVER read a SV book? Even once for research? Enough with the twin switching and dances already.

  8. Magpie says:

    If you think Devon’s a creepy stalker in this book, you should try the trilogy before this one (e.g. the alarmingly-named book “Elizabeth is Mine”).

    Also, I love/hate how the previous trilogy ends with Liz shunning both Todd and Devon, deciding she doesn’t need a man in her life to be complete, and now in this book she’s crying over them AGAIN.

  9. calicodrive says:

    2nd that – “Elizabeth is Mine” is creepy. also lols when maria slater somes to svh and enid is all ‘No Maria, u cant be friends with Liz, i have no life without her’. i loved how dumb Liz is in this book. epic lolz.

  10. Aisuru113 says:

    OMG! Those black dress on the front, that was totally ripped off from White Christmas. What High Schooler rips off a cocktail lounge singer’s dress from the 40’s? Or am I over thinking this?

  11. RollingStone says:

    I love the facial expressions on the cover. The models for Todd and Liz (assuming that’s them) both look like they’re secretly snickering over the lovey-dovey faces they have to make. And I don’t know who the other blond girl is, but the look she’s giving them is priceless. Maybe that’s because it sums up the spirit of this entire blog.

  12. Anne says:

    I totally just noticed, but Jess and Liz have the same dress… one in white and one in blue.

    I thought they got over dressing alike when Jess joined the Unicorn club. But since they do the old switcheroo in this one TOO, than maybe it’s appropriate.

    They even have matching handbags… maybe Lisette’s was having a two-for-one sale.

  13. ana says:

    i would have said the sociopath trying to kill the twins was the most tired plot, but i can’t say i blame them all for trying.

  14. Vanessa Saxton says:

    The other blonde chick is Jessica. And that’s Lila in the background, not Enid.
    To give some continuity credit, at least that white dress Jessica is wearing is the same one she picked out a few books before this one.

  15. Cara Walker says:

    I had forgotten how crap this book was, so thanks for reminding me never to re-read it. I had forgotten all about Courtney Kane,because she was like, so 100 books ago. Way to go, ghost writer for at least one scrap of continuity.

    Jessica is a sociopath. Bordering on pscychopath. Enough said.

  16. BartTempleton says:

    At first when you said “Tyler Becksmith,” I read it as “Beckwith” and for an astounding few seconds believed the editors actually did their continuity research for the first time (“the Beckwiths” were mentioned in SPECIAL CHRISTMAS as the Wakefields’ next-door-neighbors with whom Nalice occasionally got drunk–er, that is, “shared a bottle of Christmas wine.”)

    It’s hard for me to take this Whitelaw character seriously as Liz’ True Love. I mean, when compared to serious, forever-n-ever soulmates like Todd, Ken Matthews, Nicholas Morrow, the British werewolf Luke…

  17. tracylondon says:

    I never read this one, but what? Why would Tyson be picking Liz up for the prom at Secca Lake? Why not like, her house?

    And because of your recaps, whenever I think of Enid, I picture that girl from The Brady Bunch Movie, the one that was Marcia’s friend, but secretly in luv with her…ha.

  18. tracylondon says:

    Wait, sorry, DEVON, not Tyson. I never got into the series this far, I quit with the old school pastel covers with no Daniels twins.

  19. eejm says:

    This book came out a little after my SVH time. I do have to say that my best friend wore the red version of Lila’s dress to her junior prom.

    When Maria is mentioned, I thought for a split second it was Maria Santelli. Then I came to my senses and remembered that SVH doesn’t do biracial couples. Silly me.

  20. Hatsumomo says:

    While the constant breaking up and making up betwixt Todd and Liz is indeed annoying, at least that’s par for the course of a established teenage couple.

    I said the sociopaths trying to kill the twins. Honestly, how many times can those two escape somebody out to kill them? Eventually somebody should have succeeded. Neither of them have the street smarts or the common sense to get out of a dangerous situation (in fact, they walk right into them despite the blinking neon sign saying, “IT’S A TRAP”). And nobody has that much dumb luck. Seriously.

  21. Elizabeth says:

    I know it’s a cheddar fest but I actually like the book covers with the 80’s drawings on them. This TV show style cover, represented by the TV characters is lame. I never pictured Lila (I think the girl in the background), looking like the whithered old hag queen from the movie Willow.

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