[photo from Dibbly-Fresh]
Dear Mary Anne,
Hey there, just checking in with you because things don’t seem right with you. I remember you as a sheltered girl who one day takes a stand against her father for her independence. When Jenny Presioso was ill, you totally took charge. I remember feeling like I was right there with you through those awkward times when you first met Logan. And you wore a skirt with the words “London, Paris and New York” on it, and you were my fashion goddess. And oh my god, when you had to be mother’s helpers with that ditz Stacey? That must have been annoying. But you handled it with aplomb and maturity.
Lately things have been off. Let’s start with this baby fetish thing. What thirteen year old is that obsessed with babies? And are you really going to keep pressuring your parents to have one? Don’t you realize that it essentially means that you are asking them to have lots of sex? Maybe you’ve been baby-sitting too much. Perhaps you should try something more age-appropriate. Like getting high under the bleachers and letting Logan dry hump you in his rumpus room.
And this project for your modern living class? The egg-baby thing? You are really taking this too seriously. It’s just an egg Mary Anne, you don’t have to pretend to breast-feed it every hour. And the fact that you are MAD that Logan won’t let you spend time with it is really…well, annoying. Just stick it in the fridge for the night and be done with it. Did you really have to take it with you on your movie date with Logan? Just leave it at home. Really, does anyone need to know?
I am glad that that totally useless cliched teen plot device made you realize how hard it is to be a parent and that it prompted you to appreciate your parents more. heck, if I were your dad and had to put up with Sharon’s ecstasy-fueled episodes and Dawn’s holier-than-thou speeches about health food, I’d want a little appreciation too.
Maybe you are getting annoyed at the fact that you’ve been in the eighth grade for 14 years, or that you are stuck with that annoying brat Kristy as a best friend, or the fact that sex does not exist in your world, but come on, where’s the Mary Anne that I remember? I miss her.