Twilight: An Overanalyzed Study Guide, p. 2

Firstly, 5 reasons why you’ll hate the movie.

This week we have some key scenes from Chapters 3-5 summarized for you, so you don’t have to read it yourself. We are lucky to have Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart do a reading, to give them practice for their upcoming roles.

Lad-i-dah, lad-i-dee, I am just not paying attention in the school parking lot, because I’m so aloof and lost in my thoughts about being stuck in this hick town. Wait, what’s that? It’s a van coming right towards me!

To the rescue! Zap! Zoom! Woosh! I’ll use my my super fast but super secret vampire powers to save you Bella!

Oh my gosh! What happened? Edward, I know I saw you appear before me suddenly, and I’m the only one who saw it because these small-town idiots I go to school with are too stupid to realize anything is unusual until lil ol’ introspective me came along.

Oh Bella, you are such a fucking bitch. I hate you. Wait, I’m flirting with you. Wait, I’m hating you again.

Nothing turns me on better than being treated like shit one minute and nice the next. Have you heard of the behavioral psychology concept of intermittent reinforcement? That’s totally what’s going on here.

At the hospital…

All the unnamed kids at school, whose individual characteristics are too boring to differentiate: Bella, we are here to see if you are all right! We care about you!

Oh, your being here is such an annoyance. Especially since you all treat me so nicely and not like crap.

Oh Bella are you all right? I was so worried.

Dammit Charlie, your weak attempts to show concern do not fit my standards of parenting.

The next day…

Tyler and Mke: Bella, you must come to the dance with us! We love you! You are so amazing!

Ick, why don’t you all leave me alone? How dare you show interest in me, I am all so much better than you. Plus, I only date guys who are mean to me.

Ha, that was really funny! You don’t think for a second I would ask you, right? I have to appear so aloof and scary. Plus, we need to stay away from each other, we shouldn’t be friends. Stay away from me! [That sort of reverse psychology will make her drop her panties in a second.]

31 thoughts on “Twilight: An Overanalyzed Study Guide, p. 2

  1. JustT says:

    I’m ashamed to admit it, but I have read the entire series. They were terribly written, and I couldn’t stand Bella, but there was something about them that kept me reading.

    The one option you didn’t include in your poll was “I can’t stand Bella because she is an unintelligent pushover.” Seriously, I *hate* when females (especially protagonists!) are portrayed as dense and/or stupid. And the further the books progress, the more dimwitted Bella is written. It’s incredibly frustrating.

  2. Malika says:

    We have to wait until the 5th of december to come out of Holland, but have already planned to go to the first matinee viewing with a few friends and bitch throughout. It sounds horrific! Robert Pattison does look very watchable though.. Aah cutie in a bitchable movie, what more could a girl want?

  3. Onnie says:

    I have the same sentiments as JustT. It’s the vampires! there is something so sexy about them. Go Team Edward! “sis boom bah rah rah rah!” (wasn’t that a line they used in that SVH cheerleader special with Winston, Todd and Ken?)

  4. bookslide says:

    Thanks for the link to 5 Reasons. The comments make it. I love the person who said that Twilight could’ve been “expired” by “Spiderman.”

    I read the books but I was clueless to how crappy he treated her, and I’m just going to stay in that bubble and hate it for other things, like how Bella treats her “friends” and family and how she listens to ANGRY MUSIC cuz she’s so angry and HOW MUCH I HATE HER ARGHHHHHHH

  5. Rachel says:

    I actually quite liked Twilight. All of the romance stuff came a bit too fast and annoyed me, but Bella was pretty much a typical high school student and quite easy to relate to (as a 17-year-old myself, that is). The thing about all of the kids at her school fawning over her made sense to me – when you go somewhere totally new you do tend to get a lot of attention, just because you’re different.

    I totally expected to hate Twilight because of all the reviews I’d had, but I ended up really enjoying it. I didn’t feel like the writing was totally amazing (she has a habit of describing things too much; “he whispered” “she muttered” “he lowered his voice” “she murmured quietly” etc) but the characterisation of Bella was pretty realistic.

    However, I understand that not everyone will like Twilight and making sarcastic study guides expressing your loathing is much more creative and amusing than writing angry reviews on Amazon. I look forward to part 3!

  6. ana says:

    to JustT, and anyone else who read the series:
    i’m pretty sure the reason these books were irresistable, even when we hated them and hated ourselves for reading them, is because stephanie meyers sold her soul to the devil, who imbued her writing with that intangible, ineffable quality that makes anything addictive addictive. sometimes that sort of thing works in our favor, but here it did not. but back to the devil theory – she was part of a nice, mormon family one day, the next she’s writing tween-vampire-porn and a millionaire the next. so don’t blame yourself, obviously we are all being manipulated.

  7. Elizabeth says:

    I have to agree with Rachel! I loved the books (that’s right, all of them) and the whole time I was reading them knew that they were a guilty pleasure and enjoyed it. I spent my youth reading BSC and SVH (who am I kidding, I still do reread these books!) so this stuff is written amazingly well when compared with the work of Peter Lerangis.
    Having read all of the books, Bella can be very whiny, etc, but so am I. And I ended up finding her to be very brave–she hangs out with people who could easily kill her at all times and yes, she comes across as weak, but wouldn’t we all if the only people we hung out with were superhuman? In addition, I’m sorry, but if I were Bella, I would be hanging out with the hot vampires rather than the Mike Newtons of the world. Maybe I’m shallow, but at least I’m honest about it (I’d rather be Jessica than Elizabeth anyday…even if my name is Elizabeth).
    And I’m in total agreement about the fact that anything new is interesting. Whenever we had somebody new come to my high school in the middle of a semester, they were the subject of interest for at least a week. And I graduated in a class of 500.
    But I love the snark. These books are entirely too snarkable and it should be done. Just because I enjoy something doesn’t mean I can’t have a sense of humor about it.

  8. The Kuus says:

    It’s funny this should show up today; I just started reading Twilight yesterday after a lot of hype from my sister in law and mother in law. As I suspected, it’s all the angst of The Vampire Diaries without Damon to salvage it. I’m less than impressed so far.

    So, what do you think about the theme of passion through lack of physical intimacy that runs through teenybopper vampire books?

  9. ihatewheat says:

    Thanks for sharing- I’m totally open to hearing reasons people like the book. It’s good to hear from other perspectives. I’m almost scared that I can’t talk about something withOUT snarking on it!

  10. Namrata says:

    Oh, I think the vampire obsession has been around for eons, awakened for me with Buffy (ahhh Spike, my one true love) and, to a lesser degree, Angel. However, for Vampfiction faaaar better than Bella’s whining, might I recommend Katie Macalister’s ‘A Girl’s Guide to Vampires’ and MaryJanice Davdson’s ‘Undead’ series? They’re relatively snarky and tongue-in-cheek, with enough cussing to make one overlook all the insanity (which is actually the fun part). I’m just working my way through Charlaine Harris’ Souther Vampire series, and so far so good….

  11. SpinningJenny says:

    Thanks for the awesome study guide. ^_^ Actually, because of this (and a woman’s comparison of Twilight to Mormonism, can’t remember her name? I think you linked it here) I found a transcribed copy of Twilight online yesterday and read (most of) it at work (what? It was a slow day).

    And…yeeeah. Twilight is dreck. I understand the appeal of mindless fiction–I love me some silly romances and YA as much as the next 24 yr old girl. But Bella is so awe-inspiringly, dim-wittedly Mary Sue that I just can’t believe people think she’s a strong character. Sure she’s brave to hang out with vampires, but that’s because she’s slavishly devoted to Edward. I mean, come on. Chick is obsessed. In an unhealthy way.

    I may consider trying to finish it, but I don’t think it’s worth my time. There is much better vampire escapism to be had–like The Morganville Vampires series by Rachel Caine. Now THAT is fun stuff. ^_^

  12. Rhiannon says:

    i admit, i am something of a twilight fan (mostly because i’ve had it bad for pretty vampire men ever since i was 12 and i first saw interview with the vampire). but thankfully i’m also heavily versed in realism, and i can see the series for what it actually is, unlike the vast majority of idiotic fan girls out there. it’s mindless fun, and total escapism. people take it far, far too seriously.

    and bella swan is a pain in the ass, end of story.

    AND i freaking love the picture of the random mob of boys. the main thing that grates on my nerves about twilight is how bella is allegedly so plain and ordinary, yet at one point she has no less than FIVE boys chasing her down. in a town that size. not bloody likely.

    ahh i love this site.

    oh and by the way, i recommend that you avoid going within ten feet of breaking dawn, the final book in the series. even the twilight fanbase – for the most part – loathes its existence. so i think the average person may actually have an aneurysm if they forced themselves to read it.

  13. maybeimamazed02 says:

    Seriously, avoid Breaking Dawn like the bloodsucking plague it is. Just awful.

    What kept me reading the Twilight series, despite its bad writing and overwhelming NO PREMARITAL SEX message? I think at times, Meyer does a good job of creating suspense, and I really like several of the supporting characters (Charlie, Alice, Carlisle & Esme, and Team Jacob all the way).

    One moment that really sticks out to me is in the second or third book, where Charlie has the audacity to request that Bella make some friends, get involved in an activity, or basically have a life outside Edward. And of course, that’s written as BAD BAD BAD.

    I’m waiting at least two weeks to see the movie, because a) there’s a movie theatre near my work where I can see it for $5 if I wait that long, and b) I don’t have to deal with the Twi-hards.

  14. yasoup says:

    I think I would’ve liked Twilight for snark as much as Sweet Valley if it wasn’t such a yawn. I like escapism, that’s why I’m a Jim-Pam-shipper of ‘The Office’ and I have a deluxe DVD of ‘Lady and the Tramp’. But there wasn’t even any high-school-romance spark. It was just cheesed together.

  15. JoJo says:

    I wanted to jump on the bandwagon seeing as I missed the boat on Harry Potter and I was thisclose to just going to Border’s and reading the books in the cafe (nice run-on). Then, a couple of nights ago, I read some parts of the book someone posted online. Specifically, the last book. I don’t want to give it away if someone must read it, but it’s a birth scene. There are no words. I can’t even wrap my mind around exactly HOW it was done. And I like the Saw movies and stuff like that. But after reading that I was more than done. And feeling sick.

  16. Jade Wu's Toe Shoe says:

    I just clicked on the “5 Reasons” link above, thinking it would be amusing even though I know nothing about the books, and was immediately baffled at the sight of Cedric Diggory creepily romancing the poor damaged rape victim from SPEAK.

  17. renee says:

    omg this blog is the shiz, its hilarious.
    i read the series (loved it, then hated it, and now just plain tired of hearing about it EVERYWHERE)
    and my theory is that twilight is so addictive because Bella doesnt actually have much of a personality of her own, so it makes ‘putting yourself’ into the book so much easier. which can help amp up the enjoyment level.
    but i fail to comprehend the obbession with it. AND IT IS NOT BETTER THAN HARRY POTTER
    harry potter was a book for all ages, and both sexes, but twilight is targeted at female tweens (they make up a majority of the ridiculously large fan base)

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