Preppy jock douchebags have feeings too!

Whoever mentioned that a non-SVH book would be a good palate-cleanser between SVH books is totally right. I’ve been home sick for the past few days and yesterday I read 3 SVHs in a row, and it does have an affect on one’s psyche. So excuse me if I express more rage that snark on this one.

So much hate, so little time. I am not even sure where to start. Should it be on Liz’s all knowing meddling? Her bitchy attitude towards Heather Sanford? The way that everything wraps up so neatly? The COVER? Yea, ok, let’s start there.

Jeffrey looks pretty bangeable there, albeit looking about 32 and like a Ken doll. The other preppy douche is Aaron Dallas, someone we always hear about but don’t really know about. Well, now we get to get inside his head. Oh, and the best for last– Liz, Liz Liz.  Nevermind the matching pink barrettes. We’ll leave those alone. But those elastic-waist chinos with the shirt tucked in. Well, that just writes itself. Her outfit is identical to the one I wore on the first day of second grade. That my mother bought me at Sears.

Aaron’s parents are getting divorced which makes him so MAD inside! He’s so MAD! Why is everyone making him so MAD! Meanwhile, he’s losing his temper and beating everyone up on the soccer field.

And now, the reasons that Liz is a fucking beast in this book.

1. She knows Aaron is Jeffrey’s bff, yet shit talks about him to Jeffrey and tries to tell Jeffrey that he needs to be mad at Aaron and doesn’t support him when he tries to defend Aaron. I think Jeffrey secretly hates Liz, because he gets annoyed with her but with silent annoyance. I love it.

2. Elizabeth acts all annoyed and holier-than-thou with Aaron’s new girlfriend Heather Sanford and gets all put out when Heather tries to befriend her. Because all Heather cares about “are silly things like clothes.” Uh, Liz, because you don’t know ANYONE like that. At a party, Elizabeth makes fun of Heather and does an impression of her speaking babytalk to Aaron. Oh like you NEVER said stupid shit to Todd. HATE.LIZ.SO.MUCH.

3. Liz is covering a soccer game for the Oracle (John Pfeiffer is too busy date raping to write it, I guess) and in the game Aaron hits another player, which will get him kicked off the team if anyone finds out. Because Liz HAS A DUTY AS A REPORTER, she reports it so the school finds out. Jeffrey gets pissed at her, she uses the whole “journalists have an obligation to be objective!” excuse. Jeffrey needs to dump her ass. And she makes Jeffrey defend her to Aaron! HATE HATE HATE!

So anyway, there’s this big intervention moment with Aaron, and they convince him to see the school guidance counselor. After a 10 minute session, all is solved and Aaron is skipping around the school apologizing to everyone he has ever wronged. Crisis solved! Liz and Jeffrey kiss! World peace happens!

So here’s the part that made it all fine for me. Liz and her boring friends are sitting in the stands at the game, and they all ask Liz to do her impression of Heather doing her babytalk. Liz feels a little bad, but the rest of the group does it, and Heather overhears and comes over and does her own impression of Liz. “What did E.W. say that made A.D. so mad?…And they say J.F. avenged his ladylove with stern words. A bout of ferocious fisticuffs followed.” Ok, it could have been more clever, but Heather was totally calling Liz out as a self-absorbed writer snob. So, Heather Sanford kicks ass. Also, she’s totally into clothes because she loves fashion design and sews all her won clothes, and gives Aaron tough love about dealing with his shit. And Liz realizes this too late, and instead of Heather telling her to fuck off, they become friends. Because no one can resist being friends with a Wakefield.

Meanwhile, Jessica tries to sell Tofu-Glo products, but they suck and she forgets to refrigerate them and she cries over her foiled business plan. Elizabeth voice overs, if Jessica did try to sell health and beauty products, she had to be successful because she was so healthy and beautiful, a walking advertisement. VOMIT! And because no Wakefield can ever fail, Ned finds out through his lawyer networking that the company lost a lawsuit, so Jessica would get all her money back. A little failing couldn’t hurt these twins.

[Enid, watching the soccer game with Liz:] “Jeffrey really looks great, Liz. I don’t know how you always manage to get the cutest guy around, but you do.” “Oh you poor thing,” Elizabeth said, teasing her. Remember, you had your chance.” GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

[Jessica has a party to sell the Tofu-Glo to her friends]. Lois Waller, a shy, overweight girl, raised her hand timidly. “Is the dietary supplement part of a diet plan?” Oh, of course the chubby girl is afraid of a diet plan, because it would get in the way of stuffing candy bars in her mouth all day. Fuck you, ghost writers.

[Liz, making Aaron and Jeffrey’s problems all about her, goes to Mr. Collins for advice.] He chuckled. “Liz, why are we having this conversation?” his eyes twinkled again, and Elizabeth grinned. “Maybe I need a little positive reinforcement from an authority figure. “Oh please! Never call me that!” Mr. Collins, I’m gonna go ahead and stop you there, and say that you probably should call youself that more often than you do.

I may as well continue by Liz-fueld rage with today’s poll.

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40 thoughts on “Preppy jock douchebags have feeings too!

  1. Rio says:

    Why does it seem that almost everyone’s problems hinge on their parents either splitting up or dying? Sweet Valley is really giving Stoneybrook a run for their money in the divorce rate competition.

  2. BartTempleton says:

    Want to know what is the best thing about this, one of your wittiest and most enjoyable posts?

    One of the tags at the bottom: “Liz meddles.”

    Bless you.

  3. BartTempleton says:

    Oh, and this:

    “Aaron’s parents are getting divorced which makes him so MAD inside! He’s so MAD! Why is everyone making him so MAD!”

  4. Jen S says:

    I totally remember this one, especially the Tofu-Glo. Blargh. I hate tofu enough when people force me to eat it, I AM NOT RUBBING IT IN MY HAIR.

    As much as Liz spreads despair and gloom, I did sympathize with her in one scene, when they’re at the movies on the double date and Heather keeps talking. As someone whose husband WOULD NOT SHUT UP during last week’s Supernatural, I must admit to a twinge of sister feeling.

  5. The Hershey Bar says:

    I just reread this one and wanted to smack Liz on almost every page! Hate how mean she was about Heather; Heather sounds like the most interesting person in the whole series!!!!!
    And on what planet does Liz HAVE to report on the fight in their dumpy school paper…I think she’s hallucinating that she’s a real reporter at a real paper or something….

  6. Magenta Galaxy says:

    Another example of Ned’s awful lawyer-ing…they don’t just give you money for selling things, a la TofuGlo. You have to be an actual, oh, I don’t know, PART of the LAWSUIT to get an award from the court!!! Unless, of course, you’re a Wakefield.

  7. Vanessa Saxton says:

    I remember this one and loved it because of the Tofu-Glo sidebar to it. Hilarious. This was an excellent re-cap. Love, love, love everything about it!
    As awful as Liz’s clothes usually are, she needs to quit hating on Heather’s clothes. However, I do think she looks really pretty on the cover. Kind of like Patricia Arquette a bit.

  8. RollingStone says:

    Believe it or not, I like cooking with tofu. I think the reason most people don’t like it is because they think you’re supposed to eat it by itself, and nothing could be further from the truth. Tofu has little flavor of its own (I think it tastes like tea), but it acts like a sponge, absorbing whatever flavor the recipe gives it. Try it at a Chinese restaurant sometime and you may be pleasantly surprised.

    But if someone is actually FORCING you to eat it, OF COURSE you’re going to hate it. You’re also going to hate chocolate 🙂

  9. limabean says:

    well, on second thought, why does she need to make herself feel better? She’s a pacified-eyes, blonde haired Wakefield!

  10. Anonymous says:

    For some reason I always thought Aaron Dallas was referred to as having blonde hair, and the cover of this book has confused my head. I’m going to have to have to research it now… Sigh.

  11. Enid Rollins says:

    So Heather’s basically Jessica, but since she’s not a Wakefield, it’s bad. And Liz has to tear her down, and Aaron too! But it’s okay! She’s Liz!

    See, I chose “Liz’s writer ego” thing on the poll because how the hell can Liz be hailed as SUCH a freakin creative writer if most of her work is like this:

    “A certain rich Fowler girl is going out with a star quarterback. Look out, E.R! Somebody’s got an eye on your hot boyfriend.”

    You know. Gossip girl?

  12. Ellen K. says:

    Arrggh! Liz is such a bitch to even joke that Enid “had her chance.” Uh, no, she didn’t, because just 3 books earlier Jeffrey fell in luv (per Stacey McGill) with Liz practically at first sight. Of course.

  13. calico drive says:

    Maybe I need a little positive reinforcement from an authority figure. “ OMFG! LIZ/COLLINS ALERT!! alos tofu glo LOL ah jess u r so lame. i remember reading this in high school and laughing at Jess’s lameness. LMFAO YAY

  14. Magpie says:

    “Oh you poor thing,” Elizabeth said, teasing her. “Remember, you had your chance.”

    What the actual hell? What kind of smug bitch says this to her BEST FRIEND? My memory is that Enid never stood a chance with Jeffrey.

    Oh, and I voted for Liz’s ego and aspirations as a writer being her most annoying trait. Every time she writes one of her inane articles, people fall over themselves to kiss her butt, and she is so conceited that she gets pissed off if somebody dares to criticize her writing. Let’s all burn with hatred as we read a sample of her poetry skillz:

    “Do you still love me
    as you did
    the night the stars sang
    to the ocean
    and my heart swelled
    like the tide?”

  15. Janelle says:

    Aaron Dallas is totally supposed to be blond!!

    Also, gotta love the tagline on the cover, as if the only thing that matters about Aaron is the affect he has on Liz and Jeffrey’s relationship!

  16. Sarah C. says:

    What happened to Aaron’s right arm? It appears to be missing. I guess that’s why he’s on the soccer team.

    I’m totally with Magpie about Elizabeth’s vomitous literary/journalistic aspirations.

    Incidentally, don’t Aaron Dallas and Jeffrey French sound like the names of actors in adult films?

  17. Stacie says:

    Magpie:

    Does the rest of the poem go like this?:
    “Do you still love me
    as you did
    the night the stars sang
    to the ocean
    and my heart swelled
    like the tide?
    I know your heart swelled
    just like mine,
    I could feel it.
    Do boys keep their hearts
    in their pants?

  18. EnidRollins says:

    To be fair, the ghostwriters don’t have all day to write real poetry for the SVH books. They just have to create an illusion, because there’s probably guidline books like in graphic design at companies when advertising happens. (I am such a nerd)

  19. Anne says:

    Can I please vote all of the above on the poll. I’m waiting for the ‘new’ releases of SVH from the library.

    Janelle, I thought Aaron was dark haired… at least I remember I got that impression from a SVT book when I was a kid.

  20. tinypants says:

    Aaron Dallas = definitely dark-haired, definitely SO BORING. I hated how the climax of this book is basically everyone telling Elizabeth she’s right. Aaron: You’re right, I was acting like a roid-raging crazypants. Jeffrey: You’re right, Aaron was acting like all of the above. Heather Sanford: You’re right, the way I act around Aaron is stupid, but it’s all I know. Jessica: You’re right, Tofu Glo was a dumb effing idea.

  21. Amy Slutton says:

    I always thought Aaron had dark hair as well.

    OMG I hated Liz so much in this one. What a snobby bitch! I couldn’t believe it either when Heather just sort of let it slide at the baby-talk confrontation. The opportunity to call out and utterly humiliate Liz was handed to her on a silver platter, and instead she’s more than happy to take it up the tailpipe and jump at the chance to finally be “friends” with Liz.

    I had a hard time with the poll and although I have always despised how she justifies all of Jessica’s abuse, ultimately I chose the second option. At least that Darcy Kaymen in one of the Super Thrillers has it right. Too bad we never hear from her again.

  22. Lauri says:

    Does the paper have no supervision? Why would the faculty advisor let Liz do a hatchet job on another student? Oh yeah, he’s not an authority figure, and he wants to stay on Liz’s good side.

  23. Magpie says:

    Stacie, congratulations, you’ve just made Liz’s poem about 100x better! 😀

    EnidRollins, I know the ghostwriters aren’t poets and had to write these books ridiculously quickly, but nobody was holding a gun to their heads and forcing them to write poems on Liz’s behalf! Why did they put the poems in there if they couldn’t write decent ones to maintain the illusion that Liz is a gifted writer?

  24. Amber Tan says:

    “Why did they put the poems in there if they couldn’t write decent ones to maintain the illusion that Liz is a gifted writer?”

    Failed poets have no sense of shame. If you don’t believe me, just take a poetry workshop sometime. 😉

  25. Rio says:

    “Liz, why are we having this conversation?” his eyes twinkled again, and Elizabeth grinned. “Maybe I need a little positive reinforcement from an authority figure.”

    I can totally picture Collins dropping his pants after that.

  26. heroine_tv says:

    I remember the Tofu-Glo so vividly! And the baby talk thing and Liz getting caught making her impression too! How odd to remember such a random book. I actually remember Aaron Dallas best from Sweet Valley Twins, because he was the one Jessica dated, or wanted to date. *sigh* I can’t believe so much of my brain is filled with this information. Great post, as always.

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